Mai mee nam

by Dr. Iain Corness

How did that old song go? “Water, water all around and not a drop to drink.” It’s been a bit like that at Jomtien recently. Every time it rains bucketfuls I turn on the tap and nothing comes out. Well, not exactly nothing, there’s usually a belch of brown splatter and the hiss of expectancy and then nothing. And it’s always in the mornings. Have you noticed that too?

Mornings are not my finest hour, and even negotiating the door of the hong nam successfully is a plus. By dint of previous experience I know that by walking headlong into the far corner of the kazi there is a tap for the shower. One turn and there’s the instant wake-up water cascading from the shower head. When it’s the hiss and nothing, this is a disaster. And why is it always a morning after I’ve had a restless sweaty night? In desperation I twiddle the tap, hoping that somehow this will rectify the problem. It doesn’t. I have also noticed that swearing at the shower rose has had no effect either.

But surely you have a tank, I hear you say. Not one, but two, gentle reader. The first is roof mounted. A turn of a handle and this top tank supplies gravity fed water to the house. The other one is a sunken arrangement in its own little pump-house off the kitchen, which then sends the water up to replenish the top tank on the roof. Well that’s the theory, but since scientists have also managed to show that theoretically bees can’t fly, I remain sceptical of theorists.

The other morning, greeted yet again by hiss and nothing, I girded my loins with a hastily wrapped towel, just in case my long suffering maid Suchida had come to work early, and marched manfully through the kitchen. That should probably read moaned audibly through the kitchen, bouncing off assorted walls and refrigerators while muttering unintelligible threats to the various members of the water board.

At last! The magic handle! I turned it expectantly to the “down” position and waited for the manna from heaven. No manna. No water. Not a drop of it. The top tank must be empty! Getting desperate, I remembered that I should pump up water from the lower tank. Stumbling to the pump room I was stopped by a large notice on the door which read “NO ENTER. DA.” Considering that dear Suchida speaks very little English, this notice in to her a foreign language was a giant step for Thai maids, and mine in particular. There was obviously something horrendous on the other side of the door, as well as the switch for the pump! I collapsed weeping on the floor, wondering just what horror was lurking on the other side, held imprisoned by an inch of compressed chip board. Freddy Kruger? The Phantom of the Rue Morgue? At that hour of the morning, complete with smelly armpits, I was not strong enough to even crack the door ajar to have a peep. It was time once again for a tactical retreat and a heavy laying on of armpit deodorizer. Beaten by the water spirits yet again.

Later that day I was informed that the switch was faulty and Suchida knew that I would have electrocuted myself in my sunrise somnambulistic state. Where would I be without Suchida? Dead probably. And even more on the nose.

However, two days later, the Mai mee nam syndrome struck again after the rain. This time I was ready - the pump switch had been repaired, and even though the top tank was apparently empty, the switch was the key to salvation. Triumphantly I turned it to “ON” and waited for the top tank to fill. And waited. And waited. I found that the Jomtien theory of unlimited water has an escape clause - when there has been no water for three days, all tanks will be empty.

At that point plan B had to be brought into action. Have you ever tried washing your hair, holding a 2 litre bottle of cold drinking water above your head? It is not to be recommended. Next time I think I will book myself into the closest hotel (provided it has water too) and not worry about handles and pumps. It’s just the getting there while half asleep that poses the problem! The other option is to join next door’s dog rolling in the puddles. Life without water can be so depressing at times! Mai mee nam!

Tribute to the United States

This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing

America: The Good Neighbor

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the partial text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

“This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts... When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up... I was there. I saw it. When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped. The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries... Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? ...Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times - and safely home again. You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here. When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke. I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble... I don’t think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I’m one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are titled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those. Stand proud, America! Wear it proudly!”

Updated every Friday
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