Answer this short quiz and see just how well you know Pattaya and how well you understand the basic concepts of living in this city. It is suggested you fill in this quiz form in private, so that you will not be embarrassed by your friends and associates finding out how little you know. It takes three minutes. Best of luck. The time starts now .....

1. Gobble and Go is:
(a) A sandwich Bar in the Royal Garden Plaza
(b) A go-go bar in Soi Yodsak
(c) A new Dance craze in Disco 2000

2. When the bar girl asks “How many children you got?” she really means:
(a) Are you still potent?
(b) Is there any money left?
(c) Do they need a stepmother?

3. Rear view mirrors on motorcycles are for:
(a) Looking behind you.
(b) Squeezing pimples in
(c) Hanging shopping bags on.

4. When the shop girl says “One sai fit all.” she really means:
(a) It’s Thai size, but you can try.
(b) It’s too small for you
(c) I’ll sell him two of them.

5. When you ask for a bank statement and they say “Computah dow” they really mean:
(a) They’ve lost your money
(b) 90% of the staff are at lunch
(c) They forgot to turn on the computer this morning.

6. When your son comes home with a katoey it means:
(a) He’s gay
(b) She’s gay
(c) You’ve been here too long

7. When your daughter comes home with a katoey it means:
(a) She’s gay
(b) He’s gay
(c) You’ve definitely been here too long.

8. The rules state that the rider at the front of a motorcycle must wear a helmet. Does this include:
(a) The 3 year old in front of the rider
(b) The person on the pillion who has control of the throttle
(c) None of the above between intersections.

9. It is acceptable form to wear a wet suit at Songkran when:
(a) Walking down Soi Post Office
(b) In bed sleeping
(c) Dining out at Bruno’s.

10. The opening time for shops in the Royal Garden Plaza is:
(a) 10.30 a.m.
(b) 11.00 a.m.
(c) 12.00 noon.

Qn. 2. (a) 5 points. Perhaps another Viagra is needed.
(b) 10 points, but buy more Viagra.
(c) 0 points.

Qn 3. (a) 0 points
(b) 10 points
(c) 10 points, plus a bonus 10 if you can do (b) and (c) together. Qn 4. (a) 10 points Farang Yai.
(b) 10 points Farang Yai
(c) 10 points if you’ve bought both.

Qn 5. (a) 0 points. This is a bank.
(b) 5 points. This is a Thai bank.
(c) 10 points. Jam mai dai. This really is a Thai bank!

Qn. 6.(a) 0 points. He’s pissed.
(b) 0 points. She’s a he.
(c) 10 points.

Qn 7. (a) 0 points. She’s pissed.
(b) 10 points She’s a he.
(c) 10 points and another bonus 10 for admitting it.

Qn. 8. (a) 0 points
(b) 0 points
(c) 10 points. Between intersections is a helmet free zone.

Qn. 9. (a) 10 points. Mandatory Songkran day wear.
(b) 10 points. Mandatory Songkran evening wear.
(c) 0 points. Suit is more appropriate.

Qn. 10. (a) 0 points. Nobody opens early in Pattaya.
(b) 0 points. This is only the advertised opening time.
(c) 10 points. Most will be open by noon.

Scores between 50 and 85 show you have some redeeming features, but still tend to lie a lot.

Scores less than 50 show that you should go back to your own country immediately, or hire a nanny, or both.

What is the most expensive water money can buy? Here’s a few clues:

1. It costs several times as much as Perrier.
2. It doesn’t’ have a designer name.
3. It’s not fashionable or trendy.
4. It tastes terrible.

Have you guessed? Well, the answer is: It’s the water that is injected into pork to turn into bacon. And when you fry the bacon it’s released into the fat and turns into an unappetizing scum while the rasher shrinks to half it’s original size.

Norman Denning

But soon this could all be thing of the past. Pattaya has a crusader with the mission to bring back REAL BACON. His name is Norman Denning, a Brit from Yorkshire, and he wants everyone to enjoy the taste of real bacon with the genuine old-fashioned flavor it used to have when it was cured and sold by butchers, rather than supermarkets.

“It’s much easier and far cheaper to cure your bacon by using a machine that clamps hold of the meat and injects it with hundreds of needles and then soak it in brine,” said Norman. “And the trouble is that lots of younger people have never tasted the real thing.”

Norman knows what he is talking about because he served an eight-year apprenticeship to become a Master Butcher. After working as a manager for a large butcher’s shop in Bradford, he branched out on his own and built up a successful business over the next 20 years.

During that time he perfected his own secret recipe - a mixture of salt, spices, herbs and other things he won’t divulge. These are rubbed into the meat and it is left for just the right amount of time to be absorbed and cure the pork.

Then Norman came to Thailand for a holiday and fell in love with the place - except for a couple of things. He missed real bacon, English sausages, home-cured ham and top quality pork pies and decided to do something about it.

He went back home, shut his business and packed all the equipment and fridges he needed into a shipping container. After the normal nightmare of dealing with Thai customs departments, he got it to his guesthouse and restaurant in Jomtien Beach Road, near Nang Nual Restaurant and started to make bacon.

“There were a few lessons to learn,” said Norman. “For a start the pork quality in Thailand is excellent, but it is much more tender and softer than the meat I was used to in England and it needs a lot less seasoning.”

He also refused to compromise on quality and that meant rejecting parts of the animals that some butchers put into their products.

“When I cure and bone a pig in the old-fashioned way it loses about 30 percent of its weight as waster actually comes out,” said Norman. “So that means I am paying a lot more for my pork, but if you want quality and taste you have to do things properly.”

But even Norman couldn’t get everything right the first time. His first batch of pork pies tasted nothing like the intended. “The difference in the meat and the flavorings changed the taste so much that I wouldn’t sell them.”

After a few more experiments Norman has now perfected the “English” tasting pork pie that made him famous in Yorkshire. He also made a batch of super-lean pork sausages for health-conscious customers.

“Personally they are a bit too dry for my taste, but you can eat them with a clear conscience,” said Norman.

Although his guesthouse is quite a long way down the Jomtien Beach Road, the word about Norman’s gammon rashers is spreading. Ex-pat Brits are already starting to home in on him to have breakfast and roast lunches in his restaurant and to take bags of bacon, ham and pies to put in their fridges.

Eurocity International was formed in 1999 as a result of direct market research into the real estate industry in Pattaya. It was discovered that many potential purchasers were not getting the right information that they were entitled to, such as the legal position on land and house ownership, the correct structuring of company formations for ownership of condominiums, what taxes you should be paying, plus lots more questions that went unanswered.

Barry Young, Managing Director of “Eurocity International, Pattaya.

Furthermore, those individuals that did purchase found that they received no aftercare service and in some cases had bought at hugely inflated prices and were unable to re-sell at a later stage.

Operating from modern offices, equipped with the latest technology, right in the center of Pattaya, Eurocity International aims to offer their clients a new concept (for Thailand) in real estate services, that of the Buyer’s Agent. Representing the Buyer’s interest 100% of the time, therefore, not creating any conflict of interest.

Whether you wish to buy a property to live in or as an investment, renting or buying a business, Eurocity International can help you along the way to make the purchase safe, secure and reliable.

Sirikanrat (Jen) Sangthong, Business Development Manager, Eurocity International.

With British management and English speaking Thai Nationals, Eurocity International intends to become a major service provider on the Eastern Seaboard, also by offering the traditional services of a real estate company such as lettings and property management.

Eurocity International is proud of the fact that they are the first real estate company in Pattaya to become members of the British Chamber of Commerce Thailand and are committed to a major networking program for the year 2000.

The future of real estate is very much focused on the Internet. Sales of goods and services have exceeded everyone’s wildest expectations; a significant part of this will be in real estate related commerce. Visit their website at www.eurocitythailand.com and see for yourself.

For Further information or advice on any aspect of real estate purchase, contact Eurocity International at the Royal Garden Resort or call 412 120 ext. 1991