Dear Hillary,

(A message from Terry regarding Texas Tom who was unsure of marrying his long time, long distance girlfriend.)

Tom, at your age, attractive intelligent younger ladies aren’t just “lying around on the ground”. It seems you have a gem here and while every marriage is a risk, what have you got to lose? Marry her and give her a better life in the U.S., and she will reward you by taking care of you until the day you die... a win/win situation.

Dear Terry,

Thank you for your sage advice for Texas Tom. As you say, good girls like her are not “lying around on the ground”, compared to the gold diggers who are lying around in the bedrooms. However, I counsel a little caution in the suggestion that the best place for the pair of them will be back in the USA, as Chuck Berry sang in 1959. Thai ladies love Thailand, for the same reasons that ex-pats love Thailand, and often pine for home if uprooted and replanted in an alien culture. Remember that at Suvarnabumi, the ex-pats have to come in through the ‘Alien’s Gate’.

Dear Hillary,

Hi, I have been living in Thailand an average total of five months per year for the past 15 years and have had quite a few “Mia Noi” for various lengths of time over the years. Furthermore, I also managed a popular open bar belongign (sic) to a friend of mine while he was in the hospital for a few months, and I can speak Thai fairly fluently. I can therefore assure you in full knoledge (sic) that Thai women (even those working in bars) are essentially very ROMANTIC, and generally speaking even more so than your average European, or U.S.A. so called “liberated” females. Sure Bar Girls are first and foremost interested in earning money but are also very sensitive to small attentions, and/or gift. As for gold, it is for them a perfect combinaison (sic) of the two: Money AND Romantic attention (even if that bracelet, chain or whatever may often end up fairly rapidly pawned or sold)!!! Happy New Year to all.

Keoni

Dear Keoni,

I am delighted to read that you can speak Thai “fairly fluently” with your 15 years of part-time experience, but that appears to have diminished your ability with your native language. Unless of course, your native language is Bahasa Melayu. I have to commend you, however, as “knoledge” isn’t a bad attempt, I suppose, and likewise with “combinaison”. I also liked the fact that you pointed out that Thai females are still romantic, even on the way down to the gold shop to trade the gift of love for something more practical, like money.

Dear Pedal (sic);

You often criticiZe people for mispelling words. Don’t you realiZe that things are different here? TIT: This Is Thailand, e.g. There is a travel shop on S. Pattaya Rd. promoting trips to ‘LOA’. Want to go? Also, the PM had a big pre Xmas dinner advert for a restaurant for only 400 ‘BATH’. (Odd exchange.) Congratulations to my newest “WOW” member, “Waiters On Wheels”. My campain (sic and OMG).....to change Pville to “WOW” is working. See Noi! I didn’t cheat on you. KOTW,

Singha Jerry

Dear Singha Jerry,

Have you seen a doctor for your problems recently? That is certainly one jumbled up email ending up in KOTW. I researched this acronym (that’s what they call a combination of letters, my Petal, and I came up with:

KOTW King of the World (gaming),

KOTW Keepers of the Wang (World of Warcraft guild),

KOTW Kiss of the Whip (BDSM),

KOTW Knights of the Winnebago (World of Warcraft guild),

KOTW Keeper of the Wampum (Mic-O-Say, Heart of America Council, Boy Scouts of America),

KOTW Kisses on the Wind.

A little hard for me to work out which one you meant, but Keeper of the Wang might go close.

You have also appeared to have missed the fact that Pattaya Mail works on American English, and that is why I “realize” that you can get confused. Native Thai speakers can be excused when they get confused about “baht” and “bath” (I checked with the editor and that’s how the advertisement wording was sent over, Petal, and we have to stick with what the client sends in), but native English speakers cannot be excused, so that is why I will not forgive your “campain” at all. It is “campaign”, Singha Jerry, even when viewed through the bottom of a Singha beer bottle, consumed outside on the steps of the 7-Eleven. And unless my memory is failing me (which at my age it is allowed to), the food delivery people Waiter on Wheels was operating long before you got your drunken tattoo of MOM, while standing on your head, so that it turned out WOW when you walked out the door. Far from claiming success in your “campain”, you have merely copied what was already here. You have an English saying “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” I think you should remember that.