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HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
Family Money: Equating Risk & Return from Equities (Part 2)
 
The Computer Doctor

Successfully Yours: Hans Kallen
 
Snap Shots: Ansel Adams and the Zone System
   
Modern Medicine: Anyone for Nepal?

Heart to Heart with Hillary
 
Grapevine

Dining Out: Jigsaw Bar and Restaurant - the puzzle is solved
 
Animal Crackers: Yipes! My Bird Bit Me
 
Down The Iron Road: Basic Railways Signalling at Work
 
Woman’s World
 
Nightmarch

Family Money: Equating Risk & Return from Equities (Part 2)

By Leslie Wright

What’s a fair price?

A rule of thumb which can be applied to get an approximate idea of whether a particular stock is over- or under-priced is to add 10 to that particular market’s prevailing inflation rate, and see how the resulting figure compares to that stock’s price-to-earnings ratio, or ‘P/E ratio’ for short.

If the two figures are almost the same, it can be said that the stock is trading at a reasonably fair price.

If significantly higher, the stock - or indeed, the whole market - may be overheated. That is, too expensive, and perhaps due for a correction.

On the other hand, if the P/E ratio is significantly lower than inflation+10, then the stock might be regarded as good value, and a potential buy.

Thus a stock which is trading at 16x earnings in the U.S.A. could be regarded as over-priced and perhaps due for a correction, whilst a stock trading at 16x in Hong Kong could well be undervalued, and a bargain.

Of course, there are other factors to be considered. A particular stock may be undervalued, or it may be lousy value. Before buying any particular stock, a bit of homework is required.

Spreading the risk

Large international investment houses employ legions of economists and analysts who spend their whole time sifting through stocks and looking for fundamental value.

When they find a stock that is undervalued but seems to be a sound firm with good potential for gain, they will advise the traders or fund managers to buy it.

It will then become part of an institutional fund’s holdings, and investors into that particular fund will, in turn, have a small slice of the underlying stocks.

Sometimes these stocks are quite obscure firms which most investors would never have heard of - but will often produce a very handsome return for the fund.

So-called ‘Blue Chips’ are regarded by many as the “best” stocks to have in an equity portfolio.

Stocks like IBM and Coca-Cola keep chugging away nicely, making profits and paying dividends year after year, and even having the occasional stock-split (which can double your holdings overnight.) They are seen as non-volatile, steady performers.

‘Blue Chips’ are relatively unexciting, however, for the get-rich-quick speculators.

While it is true that over the long term, stocks outperform bonds, which outperform cash, a portfolio comprising a few ‘Blue Chips’ in one or two markets will still be affected by the overall movements of those particular markets in the short term.

You run the risk of losing money (even if only on paper, and maybe only for the short term) if that market takes a downturn because of fundamental economic changes.

After all, the index of a particular market will be made up of the major players in that market - which are usually the ‘Blue Chip’ stocks!

Direct versus indirect investment

Spreading the risks inherent in stock market trading requires spreading your investment through more than just a few well-known stocks and in more than one or two major markets. Most investors have insufficient capital to do this.

A few thousand dollars would buy just a few shares of just a few stocks. This is hardly “diversification”!

For most investors, the only way to achieve this is by pooling their resources with thousands of other investors. This means using collective investment instruments offered by large financial institutions.

Examples of this method of investing are unit trusts, mutual funds, and unit-linked insurance policies.

Because of the economy of scale these substantial institutions can bring to bear on the markets, trading costs normally involved with the buying & selling of shares are substantially reduced.

The resources behind institutional funds enable “average” investors to access stocks and the pick of the world’s stock markets relatively inexpensively and without having to spend the time, effort and money attempting to research the markets and chasing after fundamental value by themselves.

In addition, using a number of institutional funds allows individuals to build a more widely diversified portfolio - with therefore less risk - than if they invested directly into one or even several stock markets.

They can build a highly flexible, globally diversified portfolio that suits their needs, wants - and sometimes prejudices - from amongst the thousands of institutional funds that are available nowadays, and in a cost-effective manner.

It would take far more capital than most investors have available to construct a diversified, strategic balance of equity holdings such as can be acquired with a relatively small investment into a number of institutional funds.

Most investors don’t have the time or access to the relevant information needed to monitor and manage their portfolios, even if they have the interest or expertise to do so.

Institutional funds are constantly monitored and actively managed by experienced professionals who do nothing else. Also, as these people are quite often the moving forces behind sudden market movements, it makes eminent sense to ride on their coat tails.

This reduces your risk of the markets taking a sudden dive and you being caught unawares until it’s too late. The fund manager will (hopefully!) already have divested himself of his fund’s holdings in that market, and found good value elsewhere.

The problem then becomes knowing which funds to select to access a particular market - but that’s another story.

Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments. If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, contact Leslie directly by fax on (038) 232522 or e-mail [email protected]. Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website on www.westminsterthailand.com.

Editor’s note: Leslie sometimes receives e-mails to which he is unable to respond due to the sender’s automatic return address being incorrect. If you have sent him an e-mail to which you have not received a reply, this may be why. To ensure his prompt response to your enquiry, please include your complete return e-mail address, or a contact phone/fax number.

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The Computer Doctor

by Richard Bunch

Last week I mentioned a study by Hofstede. His research indicated four main areas of national culture; small or large power distance, individualistic or collectivist philosophy, high or low uncertainty avoidance and finally quantity of life (materialistic), versus quality of life (relationships and concern for each other). As managers/leaders Hofstede helps us understand what we may be dealing with when we are working in a multi-racial or international group. Remember, these are ‘clues’ to potential differences in doctrines, not facts and they should only be used to help us figure out what questions it might be worth asking to explore why one individual reacts to certain stimuli differently to another. Firstly, ‘Power distance’. A few examples of small and large power distance are; inequalities among people should be minimized (small), v’s Inequalities among people are both expected and desired (large), parents and children are equal (small) v’s parents expect obedience and children show respect (large). In the classroom teachers are our equals (although experts) who transfer impersonal ‘truths’ and expect students to show initiative v’s teachers who are gurus that take all the initiative and transfer ‘personal’ wisdom.

In organisations in small distance societies, decentralized hierarchies (which bring inequality) are established for convenience only, whereas in large power distance societies hierarchical inequality with power centralized is a reflection of ‘real’ existence and it is expected to maintain this ‘natural’ inequality. Again in small distance societies, moderately paid, resourceful democratic bosses are expected to consult with reasonably paid subordinates, versus (large) where highly paid benevolent autocrats are expected to be good ‘mums’ and ‘dads’ and tell poorly paid subordinates what to do. Importantly in small power distance societies, power is based on formal position, expertise, the ability to give rewards and its use should be legitimate and subject to the criteria of good and evil. Conversely in large distance societies power is based on association with powerful individuals, family or friends, charisma, the ability to use force, where might prevails over right, that is, whoever holds the power is right and good. Imagine your managing a hotel on a small island off the coast of Malaysia and your international organisation is into staff empowerment, what do you do other than prey an exemption from the policy. How about if you start a small computer servicing company in Thailand and you want the staff to listen to the customers’ problems and come up with solutions, rather than just plug in new hard drives and hope things work. If Blanchard & Hershey’s Situational Leadership model is correct and you are a young “western” style manager heading for far flung places, best be prepared to leave your ‘democracy’ at home and abandon such catch phrases as “we don’t do business that way where I come from” or alternatively... stay home. Sound management practice suggests we ask an employee who approaches us with a problem to suggest a solution. If this is your habit and no answers are forthcoming it doesn’t mean the staff are stupid (as I have heard suggested many times), it is just perhaps that you are culturally insensitive.

If you enjoy the challenge of leading in a ‘foreign’ culture be prepared to accept a different view of the world to your own... or the frustration my well kill you.

Worth a thought... and the other issues next week!

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Successfully Yours: Hans Kallen

Here’s a hoary old musical joke - What do they call people who hang around with musicians? Drummers! Boom-boom!

However, Hans Kallen, the drummer with the East Coast Band in Delaney’s would disagree. “The job of a drummer is to keep the music together, to make it shiny, sound dark or golden.” And Hans should know - he’s travelled the world with his drum kit, and made music his very reason for existence.

Hans is Swiss and completed most of his schooling there, then going on to study and work in the chemical industry in Basle. Though, even then, his heart wasn’t in it. Music was taking over his life.

Hans had heard New Orleans Jazz. “My father bought me a wind up record player and a 78 record. It was “New Orleans Function” by Louis Armstrong. It was a funeral march, and I must have listened to that record a thousand times. He was my big guru, I knew then that I wanted to play jazz . I wanted to learn the trumpet, because Satchmo was the greatest trumpet player in the world. My father didn’t take to me practicing at home, so I started to play drums instead.”

From playing with local amateur bands, Hans became a professional by the time he was 18 years old. His work began to notice a certain lack of interest. “I was working for Ciba-Geigy and the big boss called me in and said I would have to decide if I wanted to do music or chemistry. I stayed with the job but about a year later I auditioned with a band from Vienna, “The Five Elite Boys” who needed a drummer to go on tour with them. So I saw the big boss again and I resigned and he was angry - he said I couldn’t come back.” Hans never did.

“I traveled the world with my drum, one bag and a record player from aged 18 to 33. I went all over Europe, Switzerland, Germany, France, and Holland.

By then, music was everything. “I had my own band for five years, 64 - 69, called the Hit Nuts. It was successful. We were the first band to play soul music in Germany. We made records and TV shows. The band broke up in 69 and I took a years break and travelled around with some hippies. That’s when I met my wife Brigitte, and mother of my children.”

This was to be a pivotal event in Hans’ life. Settling down in one spot after roving the world and trying to play his loved music was too great a strain. Hans became a decorator. He did not turn his back totally on music, however. “I used to play in Jazz concerts at weekends, many different formations from trios to big bands. I was a free lance jazz teacher for drumming and jazz workshops.”

Following his divorce, Hans got itchy feet again. “I brought four bands to Thailand for one-month contracts, Brown Sugar in 93, the Jazz Quartet in 94 and 95 and the Star Band in 95.” Those trips were enough to convince Hans where he should be. “In 96 I came over here with no keys to return in my pocket. I had a hard time for the first six months, I had no money and it was boring with no work. Then I heard they wanted a Swiss national for a TV show. I was paid 20thousand baht to take this teddy bear from Bangkok to Switzerland. It was crazy but it was a chance to go back to Switzerland for nothing. I had an open ticket to return to Thailand and I planned on staying for 3 moths but I booked my ticket back after a week. Everything in Switzerland is either forbidden or taxed. From that moment on I knew I wanted to stay here.”

Hans played in the Dixieland band in Bangkok then at the Amari and Henry J Beans in 98. “I started to love Pattaya and I knew I wanted to live here and now I play at Delaney’s, especially with the Sunday Jazz.”

So what is success to a man who hangs around with musicians? “Being successful to me means having fun. Life is too short to have no fun. That is one of the things I like about Thailand, there must be sanuk. The important values to me are tolerance and a sense of humour. Do good not bad because what you do returns to you, this I know. Money is not important to me. It will always come as long as I am doing something I love. That is much more important to me. Music is everything to me, my first and my last love.”

Hans plans to stay here in Thailand, enjoying the good life and playing music as long as possible. “I was lucky with this band - these guys have been good friends since I started with them two and a half years ago. We have fun together. Elder from America, Ramil from Russia, Janette from the Philippines and me from Switzerland.”

At that point, the effervescent Hans became pilosophical “It’s funny you can come from anywhere and feel very close like brothers and sisters. I think all musicians from all over the world have a passport called “Musicland.”

Hans, we certainly hope your passport doesn’t expire for a long time yet!

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Snap Shots: Ansel Adams and the Zone System

by Harry Flashman

The famous American photographer Ansel Adams has been dead for sixteen years, but his influence on photography as an “art form” will probably be with us for as long as there is chemical processing of photographic prints. Particularly Black and White, which is rapidly reaching “art” status all the time.

Adams was born in San Francisco in 1902, but his early interest was in music and the piano, which he initially hoped to develop into a professional career. However, in 1916 he took his first photographs of the Yosemite Valley, an experience of such intensity that later reviewers of the Ansel Adams history recorded that he was to view it as a lifelong inspiration.

The Yosemite Valley would probably not be as well known world-wide as it is, if it were not for Adams, who returned every year thereafter to record its grandeur. During these trips he became even more in love with nature and its conservation and became associated with the Sierra Club in 1920.

In 1927 he published his first portfolio, ‘Parmelian Prints of the High Sierras’, and the following year he became an official photographer for the Sierra Club.

Like all photographers, Adams was interested in the work of others and was influenced by the straight photography of Paul Strand, and the works of Steiglitz, Edward Weston and Imogen Cunningham. It was with the latter two photographers that he formed the Group f64. For Adams and Weston especially, the f64 philosophy embodied an approach to perfect realization of photographic vision through technically flawless prints. Even the use of the name f64 shows the depth of field concept seen in so many of Adam’s photographs - sharp from front to back. Although the concept of the Zone System had not been finally formulated, you could see the beginnings of this at that time in the early 1930’s.

In 1935, Adams first book on photographic technique was published and by then he was giving one-man exhibitions in America. Moving to the Yosemite Valley, he continued to photograph the natural wonders and many of his images were published in the 1938 publication of Sierra Nevada - The John Muir Trail.

With the advent of WWII, Adams went to work for the Department of the Interior in Washington, D.C. During this time he began to develop a codification of his approach to exposure, processing, and printing - this became the Zone System. In effect, this system aimed at pre-visualization of the final print. In other words, you, the photographer know the result you want, and by application of the Zone System, you can make it happen.

Adams wanted to go beyond conventional photographic recording, which, in his own words, is at best “acceptable though perhaps uninspired” and create a statement “acute and creatively expressive.” In the Zone System, he engineered a technique by which the photographer could manipulate the photograph’s internal tones. By means of filtration, development, and print controls, contrast could be heightened or softened and the placement of object values along the tonal scale could be predetermined by the photographer before the shutter was released. Yes, he used a notebook to record the details he would later print out so faithfully in his dark-room.

After the war, Adams moved into lecturing as well as continuing to photograph. He also developed a knowledge of the techniques of photographic reproduction to assure that the quality of any reproduced work might approach, as closely as possible, the standard of the original print.

His place in the photographic halls of fame were by then assured, following his award of a Guggenheim Fellowship in 1948 to photograph national park locations and monuments. More books on photography were written, and his stature continued to increase within the Fine Arts circles. By 1966 he had been elected a Fellow of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences, and by the late 1970’s his prints were being sold to collectors for prices never equalled by any living American photographer.

Reading any of his books is an eye-opening experience.

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Modern Medicine: Anyone for Nepal?

by Dr Iain Corness

Quite a number of my friends, over the years, have gone trekking in Nepal. To be perfectly frank, I have no idea why, but for some it has become a sort of annual pilgrimage, with Kathmandu becoming the Mecca of the boots and back-pack set.

However, like all pursuits undertaken when one leaves the relative safety of home, there are certain precautions that should be taken by those thinking of indulging in the odd jaunt through the jungles. In today’s parlance, this is called being “proactive”, which is merely the buzz word for what we all used to call forward planning or even thinking ahead.

So what would I recommend for the trekker in today’s troubled world? Well, to start with, there are some vaccinations that should be done, with the two Hepatitis vaccines for Hep A and Hep B being high on the list. Another is Typhoid vaccine, which though not a 100% cover, is better than none.

The usual cover for polio and tetanus should also be brought up to date, as many people tend to let these slip.

The next couple are also, in my mind, very necessary. The first is Rabies - I have no idea what the prevalence of Rabies is in Nepal - but I would imagine it is not much different from here. Rabies is also not one disease you want to get, because otherwise you do not trek home - you come back neatly encased in a wooden box.

The second is Meningococcal vaccine to protect against a group of very nasty bugs. Unfortunately, Nepal has had outbreaks of Meningococcal disease, and it is quite contagious in the closely packed groups of back packers. Vaccination is painless and side effects are generally mild. Protection lasts up to three years.

Of course, when considering trudging along the foothills of the Himalayas, you also have to remember that this is a high altitude pursuit, so you need to be of reasonable fitness to begin with. If you are an overweight cigarette smoking 50 year old, then don’t bother signing up the trek of a lifetime. It would be your last (so possible would be the trek of your lifetime)!

No, while I am sure that the Nepal adventure does appeal to many - just remember that the trekking diseases may not be quite so appealing. Sensible precautions, vaccinations and a health check before you sign on the dotted line are really in order. Now, where did I leave my hiking boots? Probably in the packing case along with my Frisbees, yo-yo’s and hula hoops!

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Dear Hillary,

We have just collected the cutest puppy, just a little street dog, but he has just got so much personality. My husband would like to keep him, but I am a little afraid about rabies, especially as we have a four year old boy as well. Is it safe enough, or what should we do?

Stray Pup’s Mum

Dear Stray Pup’s Mum,

I’m sorry, but Hillary isn’t much of a vet I’m afraid, but I do know that rabies is a problem with the street dogs. The Pattaya Animal Welfare Society (PAWS) are having a free vaccination service at Mike’s Shopping Mall for street dogs this Saturday, so perhaps you should take puppy down there and talk to the PAWS people. There is a mention of this service in today’s Pattaya Mail, but you’ll recognize the PAWS people easily enough, they’re the ones scratching their left ears with their left feet.

Dear Hillary,

I think you were a bit off-hand with your answer to Zoo Keeper last week. The poor woman with all the pets is probably only suffering from the well known “empty nest” syndrome and needs help to get over it. Have you ever thought of that?

Nest-box

Dear Nest-box,

Has Hillary ever thought of what? Hillary thinks about lots of things, especially letters like yours, which are just so far off the mark. The woman didn’t write to Hillary for advice - her husband did. The advice Hillary gave was for him - not her. If she ever writes to me I’ll tell her what to do with the menagerie - send the whole shooting match to you. I think you deserve your nest being filled.

Dear Hillary,

I have fallen very much in love with the cashier at the local optical shop. She seems quite interested in me, but there is one problem in our relationship. I asked if I could come and meet her parents, but she immediately said no, because she says her mother does not like farangs. I sort of feel that if this relationship is to progress any further I am going to have to get over the mother problem. Any advice Hillary?

Myopic Michael

Dear Myopic Michael,

Your short-sightedness extends beyond your glasses I am afraid. Before you go any further and make a spectacle of yourself, I would suggest you have to tread warily and slowly. The wooing you have to do is with the mother, not the daughter. Send flowers or a buffalo, or whatever is required, to mother before making the move on the young damsel. On second thoughts, have you tried the girl in the dentist surgery next door? Your optical romance sounds as if it has terminal teething problems.

Dear Hillary,

I have gone into a ‘boys’ go-go bar on a couple of occasions, and every time it is the same. The ‘boys’ (men really) move in on me and put their arms round me and want me to take them out for dinner (and more, I’m sure). I should point out that I am a free white woman, over 21 and I know what they are on about. What can I do to stop them mauling me?

Mitzy

Dear Mitzy,

Your problem is easily solved. Don’t go into go-go boy bars. Who are you trying to kid anyway? Nobody goes into a go-go bar to listen to the music. Or have things changed in the last week? Be honest with yourself, if you’re there for a bit of slap and tickle, and that’s all, you set the scene. They’ll follow, if you follow what Hillary is saying. By the way, which bar was this? Please send the details under plain wrapper, marked “Hillary - Confidential”.

Dear Hillary,

We are going overseas for three months at the end of the year. Our children no longer live in Thailand, so we have nobody to house-sit for us. My husband just says to lock everything up and it will be OK. I am worried because some of my friends have had their houses burglarised while they were away. What do you think we should do, Hillary?

Kamoy

Dear Kamoy,

Aren’t husbands annoying? No wonder Hillary got rid of hers! Of course you are right to be worried, you should take all the precautions you can when you leave a house unattended, no matter what country you live in. You have the choice of making the house burglar proof, and/or finding reliable people to house-sit. Master Safety who advertises in Pattaya Mail, can advise you on whether your house is secure, but remember that even the securest banks get robbed. Hillary feels that you should also find a house sitter, and since it is at the end of the year, you surely have friends who would like to come and enjoy our climate, rather than the cold of the UK. If you’re still stuck and have a large house, with maid, pool, Jacuzzi, overlooking the beach, then Hillary will do it for you. As a last resort, Hillary has some regular letter writers called the Miserly’s, who would jump at some free digs over Xmas.

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GRAPEVINE

UBC woes
News that the UBC satellite signal is being pirated in China, Cambodia, Malaysia and Vietnam is causing little surprise amongst farang visa runners. Some of them have been watching HBO movies and Star sports for a couple of years now in their downtown hotels. It’s all illegal as UBC has not signed any deals with subscribers outside of Thailand. Most likely explanation is the smuggling of decoder boxes across the border. As long as somebody with a Thai address pays the annual subscription for smart card access, there is nothing much to stop pirate viewing in neighboring countries.

Yes m’lud
Pattaya’s lavish, new provincial court got off to a slow start but, by now, most local cases are being heard there. Virtually no prisoners are presently being hauled up to Chonburi law courts in the black painted buses. However, Pattaya is still without a prison apart from the holding cells at the police station on Beach Road. So, for the moment, longer term sentences are still remanded to Chonburi central prison. For those who need to know, the fines and bail payment office of Pattaya court is on your immediate left after you go through the main entrance. One of the side effects of these changes is that Chonburi based lawyers, who have sometimes had rich pickings from farang detainees, may have to consider setting up shop nearer the action in Pattaya.

Readers’ queries
JK asks why most Pattaya businesses offering to process mobile phone bills won’t accept his Worldphone digital 1800 account for payment. It’s probably because that particular company operates its own office in the Big C complex (at the foot of the stairs as you descend from the cinemas)... LT wants to know the annual cost of the subscription to all UBC television. If you pay at the regional office in Ban Saen, the cost for a year in advance is currently 12,700 baht but that includes a “free” thirteenth month. New subscribers have to pay one off charges to install the equipment.

Stylish buffet
If you have not yet tried the Amari Hotel’s Friday evening Italian buffet at 295 baht, it’s time you did. Lots of upmarket salad choices and every delicious pasta dish you can think of. The desserts are succulent too. The quality of service is excellent. The tureens and platters are continually replenished and, unusually, this is a buffet which is as fresh and appetizing looking at 10.00 p.m. as it was at 7.00 p.m. If you are treating friends to a meal out in a first class hotel, the Friday buffet is the way to do it without burning a huge hole in your pocket. Drinks and coffee are extra.

Internet cafes
Internet cafes in Pattaya are booming and costs are as little as one baht a minute and set to fall further. The latest count is that there are around thirty five within the city limits. At most of them you can keep your own e-mail address as well. Some people say it’s a lot cheaper than buying your own equipment and no viruses and breakdowns to worry about. Still, you have to shop around. Some cafes are still using the old TOT (Telephone Organization of Thailand) telephone lines with a very slow connection to the server. A few charge a small fortune for drinks and snacks. The cheapest way is probably to open an account with the cafe of your choice to take advantage of any discounts.

Talcum powder plot
British police investigating firebombings believed to be the work of a group calling itself the Animal Rights Militia (ARM) raided a meeting in the sleepy northern English hamlet of Cundall. Undercover officers rushed in only to find talcum powder and not gunpowder on the agenda. They had stumbled upon a meeting of the Association of Radical Midwives. Nurse organizer Beryl Potter was cautioned after beating a police sergeant with a large plastic doll. “In all the confusion I didn’t notice it was my husband,” she confided.

Medical definitions
Caesarian section - a district in Rome
Terminal illness - falling sick at the airport
Enema - someone who is not your friend
Semi-colon - partial removal of the intestines
Varicose - nearby
Tibia - a country in North Africa
Seizure - a Roman emperor

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Dining Out: Jigsaw Bar and Restaurant - the puzzle is solved

by Miss Terry Diner

For some years, the food at the Siam Bayshore was overseen by their executive chef, David Levine. However last year David resigned to follow his dream of running his own restaurant. He saw the direction he wanted to go and finally saw the location. The last part of the jigsaw puzzle was in place and a couple of months ago the Jigsaw Bar and Restaurant was opened in Jomtien, almost opposite the Hanuman statue.

The Dining Out Team discovered Jigsaw as a cool (air-conditioned) spot for a quiet Sunday lunch, so it was with interest that the Dining Out Team returned one night as David’s guest.

The restaurant is spacious, with a bamboo “garden” outside and another bamboo lounge nook in the corner. The jigsaw motif is carried through the restaurant, with the brightly coloured tables all resembling jigsaw pieces. By contrast, the decor is “modernist/minimalist” with different pastel shades used everywhere. Quiet guitar background music (Isla Del Sol from Amrik) was playing and the atmosphere is quite relaxed.

Each table has a collection of sauces, including the Sri Racha as well as the more usual HP and A1 Steak. In addition there is a New Orleans American style chilli sauce and the ubiquitous tomato ketchup. David asserts that, “With ketchup on the table, it shows what you are.”

The cuisine is regional American (reflecting David’s ancestry) and includes New York, Southern, West Coast and the Deep South. The menu reflects not only the origins, but David’s “quirky” sense of humour, like with little snippets in the Savoury Snack Pieces, - “Everyone enjoys a good piece of something, now and again”. It begins with all beverages, alcoholic and otherwise (including milk shakes!). Straight after that is Breakfasts - served any time the restaurant is open ranging from a toasted English Muffin for 25 Baht through a Vodka Martini (!) for 110 Baht and the Big breakfast with everything 140 Baht.

The Snack Pieces are around 70-80 Baht including chicken wings, Vegetarian spring rolls, samozas, and the delightfully described Vampire Repellant (Serious Garlic and shallot!). Three soups (70-95 Baht) and several salads around 100 Baht.

Big sandwiches are up next (90-160 Baht), including such items as Oven-baked Eggplant and Parmesan and then the Big Hot and Fat Sloppy BBQ Sandwiches, served with coleslaw and French Fries (95-135 Baht), and even more sandwiches all served with fries, coleslaw and pickle.

Next page, gasp, is Pastas with garlic bread and parmesan (95-145 Baht), burgers (around 110 Baht) and then the Big Kahuna Breaded Dinners - chicken, pork or fish at 160 Baht.

There is also a Thai menu for those not into the American cuisine, followed by desserts and alcoholic coffees. If that is not enough, there is also a daily “special” menu which depends on what David found that day at the markets.

We began with soups, a ‘soup de jour’ shrimp bisque for Madame, and the onion for me. The onion soup had plenty of onion and smothered in cheese, while the shrimp bisque (which I unashamedly ate half of!) was smooth and piquant (and I loved it). The serves were also a decent size.

With some wine and a Singha Gold for me, we settled back to wait for the mains - the Fish of the day for Madame, done in butter and lime with beetroot and a Cajun Burger for me.

The burger had the Cajun spices through the patty, with a tartare sauce to contrast the spiciness, into which each chip was unceremoniously dumped. While I was slowly working my way through the burger, Madame was making cooing noises over her fish. And with reason - it was fabulous. A fact backed up by one of the other customers who recognised Miss Terry and said spontaneously, “Try the fish, it’s fabulous!”

With Jigsaw now running all day happy hours in the bar, and food of this quality served in the restaurant, it will be difficult to top this place in Jomtien. Worth the trip and inexpensive to boot.

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Animal Crackers: Yipes! My Bird Bit Me

by Mirin MacCarthy

Ouch! You know exactly what I’m talking about if you have a pet parrot that has started biting. You are left feeling feel betrayed, shocked, dismayed and maybe minus an ear lobe or fingertip. Especially after you hand fed the ungrateful little rotter. Maybe you begin to wonder, what did I do wrong?

For a start, birds are very fragile, and cannot help but consider themselves prey. The First rule is never to move suddenly around a bird and never touch a strange bird, no matter how tame the owners say it is, unless you are an experienced bird breeder.

Rule number Two - Do not swoop down on a bird from above. Remember a bird with clipped wings, (a custom I personally loathe, but which is of use to inexperienced people to hand tame birds), is unable to fly away to a high escape perch and often flutters to the floor in distress. If anyone then swoops down on it from above, its natural instinct sees itself as dinner and its only defence is to bite and bite hard.

Rule number Three is softly softly catchee birdie! Have a breeder or a dealer teach you to both net and towel a bird. You will need to do both with ease if you plan on having companion birds.

Rule number Four is never hit the bird or flick its beak. The only method of acceptable discipline for a bird is a light water misting or in a ‘time out’ cage. A small covered cage with just a bowl of water for maximum of five minutes at a time. This is especially effective for teaching a parrot not to screech also but has to be consistent.

Rule number Five is to use the distraction method. Offer it a treat, a seeding grass spray, a dog biscuit or puppy chew, a thin strip of untanned leather, or even an unscented Kleenex, is enough to take little feathered Fang’s interest away from your person. Sometimes the bird will be afraid of what you offer at first. Just play with the item as if it is your toy, and you can be sure Fang will want it to be his toy in a matter of seconds.

Rule number Six is be calm and consistent and remove the bird from your shoulder. A firm “No biting!” and moving the bird from your neck or ear (favourite chewing spots) will stop the onslaught for a few seconds. Many people stop here. Don’t give up.

Rule number Seven is to enjoy your companion birds company. Let them free fly around the house after you have trained them to come to your hand. It is easy to teach a bird to come to a seed filled hand. It should be obvious that free flying time should be always supervised and without the hazards of overhead fans, dogs or cats, open windows, or raised toilet seats. Good luck.

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Down The Iron Road: Basic Railways Signalling at Work

by John D. Blyth

Last Week’s Puzzle

To almost any signalling problem there is more than one solution, but usually it is the simplest that is the most acceptable. It will have the fewest signals and so be the cheapest to install as well! Deliberately I didn’t tell you all the ‘wrinkles’ or there would be nothing new.

Firstly, the lines must be defined ‘UP’ and ‘DOWN’; this very traditional marking originally meant ‘To London’ and ‘From London, but it was not long before Britain had such a rail network that in this sense it was more or less meaningless. Never mind - it will serve our present purpose and I have put in the markings alongside the lines between boxes ‘B’ and ‘C’. Additionally I have defined the line from ‘B’ to ‘D’ as a less important one and marked a 40mph speed restriction for it on the junction. This will show two more useful facts.

For ‘A’-’B’-’C’, and vice versa, and ‘A’-’B’-’D’ and vice versa, we shall require ‘Home’ Signals to protect the junction from all directions, with an additional one for branch trains leaving the main line at ‘B’. This lesser signal will be on a bracket and at a lower level than that for the main line. We shall also need a ‘Starter’ a good train’s length in advance of the ‘Home’ signals, so that trains that have not been accepted to go forward to the required Box in advance can stand clear of the junction, which may allow another train to be accepted from the rear. (Trains thus waiting are not clear of the 400 yard ‘Clearing Point’).

And finally, we shall require ‘Distant’ or ‘Warning’ signals, a full braking distance rear of the ‘Home’ signals. I’m sure you will recall that these can be passed in the ‘On’ position - but it is very important for their position to be seen by each driver. Had there been no speed restriction for trains turning off the main line, towards ‘D’, one signal arm could perhaps suffice here, but as there is a 40 mph restriction, there will be a separate ‘Distant’ arm, which will never be pulled off to the ‘Clear’ position - in fact it will not be workable but just a signal permanently fixed to a post, horizontally and with a yellow light, to remind drivers of the restriction as well as warning them to begin reducing speed now.

In so simple a layout I have not seen a need for any Outer Home Signals, but were there a need, it would have effect of moving the ‘Clearing Point’ 410 yards towards the Box in the rear.

Two ‘ground signals’ or ‘Dummies’ finally, are needed to allow movement between ‘Up’ and ‘Down’ lines by the way of the crossover road shown adjacent to the junction. Similar signals may be used (in other locations) for the control of a number of types of shunting movement. This one would seldom be used other than for emergencies or during engineering work when one running line may be out of use.

I explained last week what ‘Track Circuits’ were; in modern signalling (which this is now!), they have acquired an importance that I could not have guessed in my time in railway service; they, with other electronic devices, have almost taken over all the old function we knew so well.

Here we could find much use for them. We would like one to the rear of ‘B’s’ Distant signal on each line with the possible exception of the branch from ‘D’, on which speed would in any case be limited. This, in conjunction with one between the ‘Distant’ and the ‘Home’ would locate the fast-moving trains for us; one to the rear of the ‘Starters’ towards ‘C’ and ‘D’, both terminating clear of the junction, will give us an additional chance to accept another train: for example although a train ‘B’s” ‘Starter waiting to go on the ‘C’ will be foul of the ‘Clearing Point’, another ‘C, simply be re-setting the junction, to go towards ‘C’. Don’t worry that this is not where he wants to go - if this train can use the alternative ‘Clearing Point’, it will have helped ‘A’ by getting a train off his patch and do no harm while it is quietly waiting at the ‘B’ junction ‘Homes’ with the road set for ‘D’, until the previous train has passed ‘A’s’ Box; all will be one stage further forward.

Track circuits can do many things: they can prevent a signalman from accepting a train while his ‘Distant’ signal is still for the previous train, prevent him from putting his ‘Starter’ to ‘Clear’ unless his Block Indicator is showing ‘Line Clear’; there is the famous ‘Welwyn’ control that prevented a signalman from placing his Block Instrument to ‘Line Clear’ unless it has been at ‘Train on Line’ for the previous train - and that train has entered and cleared a track circuit within his Station Limits. This was devised in the 1930’s when a signalman at Welwyn Garden City, north of London, ‘forgot’ a train waiting to go forward from his ‘Starter’, allowed another train into the section with a serious collision as a result.

Stop signals within track circuited areas carry a white diamond on the post; those with a telephone at the foot of the post have a circular plate with a hole in it. The presence of the first and/or the use of the second, relieves the train crew of sending one of their number to the Box, to remind the signalman of the position of the train, ensure that the signalman applies certain precautions to ensure he is not forgetful and must also sign the Train Register as evidence that the Rule(once the famous ‘Rule 55’ but lost in the maze of numbers), has been carried out.

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Woman’s World: ‘Lose Wrinkles’

by Lesley Warner

I read those words ‘lose wrinkles’ during my research, and I thought what a thing to look forward to. If you look at your dog or cat, have you ever wondered how they can still run and jump and carry on the same even when they’re in their last years? It seems a bit unfair that we are the species on the earth that seem to age in the worst possible way.

Maybe we don’t treat ourselves as well as we could, I know I constantly nag about alcohol, cigarettes, sun and late nights and I like to enjoy myself as much as the next person. It’s so easy in Pattaya to over indulge with a constant round of social events at night and the sun during the day. The best advice I can offer is what I try to apply to myself ‘everything in moderation’ within reason, of course!

Certain foods and plants can be used to prepare homemade treats for your skin, so here are some more do-it-yourself recipes, with ingredients that include substances such as alpha-hydroxy acid known to be beneficial.

It would be naive to expect dramatic results from such recipes, but then lets be honest, most commercial cosmetic products don’t produce dramatic changes either. My grandmother is 99 years old and has always used ‘egg whites’ as a face pack and she’s still beautiful.

Let me know how you get on with these tips and please send in your own recipes for ‘eternal youth.’

Fruit peel

Ingredients: 1 cup fresh pineapple, half a cup fresh papaya, 2 tablespoons honey.

This gentle peel is based on active substances found in two tropical fruits, pineapple and papaya. Pineapple contains bromelain and papaya contains papain. Both are proteases, natural enzymes that can break up proteins. When applied to the skin in small amounts (the amounts naturally found in pineapple and papaya), these enzymes help gently remove dead cells from skin surface producing mild peeling effect. Pineapple and papaya also contain modest amounts of alpha-hydroxy acids that provide additional benefits. Honey is added to increase the moisturizing effect of the treatment.

So here’s how to do it. Puree pineapple and papaya in a blender and add the honey and mix thoroughly. Wash your face, and then apply the mixture to your skin, avoiding the eye area. Leave on for no more than 5 minutes (less if you have sensitive skin), and then rinse with cool water. When done, apply a moisturizer. Don’t use more than once a week. Note: when using this peel for the first time, keep for only 1-2 minutes to make sure there is no skin irritation.

Yogurt-oatmeal masque

Ingredients: 2 tbsp. plain yoghurt; 1 tbsp. oatmeal; 1 tbsp honey Yoghurt contains lactic acid (an alpha-hydroxy acid) and a number of nutrients that may mildly stimulate collagen production in the skin. Oatmeal and honey act as moisturizers.

Simply mix ingredients together to form a paste. To avoid clumps, you may grind oatmeal into a powder (using a coffee grinder, for instance) before mixing it with other ingredients. Wash your face. Massage using the paste in a circular motion. Keep on for a minute or two then rinse off.

Yoghurt-aloe healing masque

Ingredients: 1/2-cup plain yoghurt; 2 tbsp aloe gel (or a fresh aloe leaf) Yoghurt contains lactic acid (an alpha-hydroxy acid) and a number of nutrients that may also mildly stimulate collagen production in the skin. Aloe is a good moisturizer, and contains anti-inflammatory substances. This masque is good for sensitive skins.

Mix ingredients together to form a paste. Aloe gel can be purchased in a health food store. Alternatively, you can take a fresh aloe leaf, remove the skin and mash the pulp. Wash your face. Massage with the paste in a circular motion, keep on for a minute or two then rinse off.

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Nightmarch

Plenty has been written about the rule forcing ogling dens and beer boozers to close in the 24 hours or so leading up to an election. I heard of one tourist whose holiday commenced in Pattaya on the day before the Mayoral election last February and was due to finish the day after the bars closed for the Senate election in March. He effectively had the equivalent of three to four days knocked out of his holiday and it will be no surprise if he doesn’t return to the Land of ‘Dry’ Elections.

The official line is that the rule is a blanket one and covers the entire country and therefore places like Pattaya - who owe their very existence to the tourist trade - are not exempt. The British handed over Hong Kong to the socialist - but nonetheless pragmatic - government of China which understands that rules that apply in China do not carry weight in Hong Kong because of the special nature of the former British colony. A national election is currently in the offing but surely Pattaya, and probably places like Phuket and Koh Samui, should be granted some form of leniency, even if it means restricting the hours of opening from 6:00pm to midnight on the day before the poll?

In the Hotspots: A new boozer the Jasmine Emery is opening in Soi 7 this Saturday the 5th, proprietor Rob is also celebrating his birthday and invites everyone for nosh and booze in a double celebration.

Out of the Rumour Mill: The English soap opera ‘Coronation Street’ has been appearing on TV in the UK since 1959 and, much to the chagrin of some and the delight of others, shows no signs of ever coming to an end. It has an absolutely avid group of addicts across the planet and even Pattaya has its afficionados. So, to cater for these soapie desperadoes, Kim the Delaney’s publican who was formerly scathing in his comments about the program but is now also an addict, is intending to show the celluloid syrup on the big screen in the bar, probably on Sunday afternoons. Before being pestered by Coronation groupies wanting to know when this will happen, all I can suggest at this stage is: watch this space.

For the Hungry: The McDonald’s franchise in Pattaya (Royal Garden Plaza, Beach Road end) has - according to one of its managers - the largest turnover of any of the ‘Scottish’ nosheries in the kingdom followed by the Phuket and Patpong outlets. With the opening of a Burger King franchise right next door to Maccas it will be interesting to see if the increased competition for the burger Baht will result in the Pattaya operation losing that number one status.

In the Hot Spots: Last week I mentioned that some outside beer boozers were charging prices up around 80 and 90 Baht for Lady Drinks. I happened to find the mother of all rip-offs in the beer boozers next to the upstairs ogling den named after a famous American female movie star: 110 Baht for a Lady Drink. Makes you wonder how the motley collection of boozers manage to stay in business.

TIP (This is Pattaya): A restaurant struggling for patronage was recently approached by an advertising salesman and asked if they would like to participate in a unique promotion to provide a positive boost for their business. The restaurant declined with the excuse, “We don’t have customers. When we have customers, we will advertise.” I ask you!

In the Hot Spots: When the girls who work in the ogling dens are asked what they do, they almost invariably say,”dancers”. However, in many places it is hard to tell whether they are ‘dancers’ or merely auditioning for future roles as dummies in a wax museum. One partner in a particularly spicy ogling den was reported to have said, “we’ve got some poles that are a bit loose, and they move more than the girls!”

My e-mail address is: [email protected]

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