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  COLUMNS

HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
Family Money: Sitting on a Nest-Egg Part 2
 
The Computer Doctor

Successfully Yours: Hans Banziger
 
Snap Shots: Light it from behind
   
Modern Medicine: Baldilocks and the Three Hairs!

Heart to Heart with Hillary
 
Grapevine

Dining Out: Greg’s Kitchen - Food like Mum used to make!
  
Animal Cracker: The Dolphin Surfers - A Reader’s Tale
  
Shaman’s Rattle: Astrology - Is the Sun really in Uranus?
  
Auto Mania: Testing, Testing, Testing!

Down The Iron Road: The Forgotten ‘MacArthurs’
 
Coins of the Realm: Flat Coins

Family Money: Sitting on a Nest-Egg Part 2

(continued from last week)

By Leslie Wright

A client-orientated investment advisor often finds himself having to guide clients towards re-evaluating their objectives, or re-appraising their expectations to ensure these realistically match their resources within acceptable parameters of risk.

In order to achieve the right balance between risk and reward for each client a full knowledge of the client’s special needs and circumstances is required.

Once these have been established, a benchmark for the portfolio’s overall risk profile can be determined, and an asset allocation matrix (which means the proportion of equities to bonds to cash, and an appropriate diversification across geographical and sectoral lines) can be recommended to the client.

But this is just the start of the relationship, as regular updates are required to assess whether the needs and aims of the client have changed, and how the business cycle may have affected market outlook, and hence how the portfolio should be fine-tuned to optimise the upside whilst minimising the downside as these cycles progress over time.

It should be stressed, however, that frequent changes to benchmarks are generally quite costly, and any investment strategy needs time to work.

To guard against this, the initial discussion needs to be wide-ranging, fully encompassing future foreseeable events that will affect the client’s circumstances. A client should sensibly be prepared to go through this somewhat lengthy exercise, as issues may arise to which he’s given little if any thought, but which may have a considerable bearing on what would or would not be an appropriate investment strategy for those circumstances. At the end of the day, it’s all for his and his family’s benefit.

Adding value

Another critical requirement of a good investment manager is the adding of value to the expected benchmark performance, coupled with a high level of personal service.

Those benchmarks have to be realistic, of course. You cannot expect your capital to be absolutely 100% guaranteed if you also expect to gain 20% a year. There’s always a trade-off between risk and return, or looked at another way, between wealth conservation and creation.

But this balance should also be managed within pre-agreed parameters. Even if you’ve set ultra-conservative risk parameters, your investment manager should at least be able to beat the bank over time - otherwise you might as well leave your money on time deposit.

In the past, one of the main tenets of private banking was in building a personal one-to-one relationship, something the high street banks are finding difficult to provide, but which has always formed a keystone in the investment management area of private banking.

Private investment banks’ high-net-worth clients could rest easy, confident in the knowledge that their portfolio was being actively managed for them by a dedicated, experienced professional whom they could call upon - often on a first-name basis - knowing that he understood their requirements both as individuals and as investors, and receive objective best advice pertinent to their individual and often special needs and circumstances.

This level of personal dedicated service is rare indeed amongst the services offered by the high street banking brethren, especially for investors with more modest amounts of capital.

After-sales service

After-sales service is a term everyone understands when it comes to buying a car or a washing machine. But few people take this into account when selecting an investment adviser or portfolio manager.

For instance, how pro-active is your bank in keeping you informed of your portfolio’s performance? And I don’t mean the frequency of your statements, which are simply cold hard numbers printed out by a computer. Do you receive any analysis or comments with respect to your portfolio’s performance? Or recommendations on how it should be rearranged in light of current and projected market conditions or your changing circumstances? Are you able to speak directly to the person running your affairs or managing your portfolio? (Or as so often seems to be the case nowadays, only to a girl younger than your daughter, with the caring personality and intelligence of a carrot.)

Does your account executive or investment adviser go to bat for you if & when a large international institution makes a mistake (which they do surprisingly often in my experience), such as sitting on your cheque or telegraphic transfer for a week or three, or failing to implement your switching instructions correctly or in good time? Or ensuring your withdrawal request is processed efficiently and remitted promptly to your local or overseas bank? And if a mistake does occur, acting promptly to find out why and get it put right? (And preferably before you, the client, have to point it out to him.) And ensuring you don’t lose out as a result of such glitches or inefficiencies, howsoever they arose?

A lot goes on behind the scenes in the back office which clients never know about - nor indeed, want to know. In my view, this is just part of providing an efficient service, even if it does go a step beyond the expected norm.

An efficient back office involves not only normal paperwork processing but a computerised management & tracking system which is able to produce timely reports and other administrative tasks, and keep track of pending transactions to ensure they’re completed smoothly or any delays followed up promptly.

Ensuring, in other words, that the client has peace of mind that his investment business is being processed efficiently and well managed thereafter. (It also ensures he’s not calling up every other day fretting about what’s happening with his investments!) And if and when a mistake does occur, ensuring it is spotted and corrected to the client’s benefit, no matter how many e-mails, faxes or international phone calls may be required, or how many feathers may get ruffled in the process.

This level of service and co-ordination between the front and back office is not easy to achieve, and requires an investment in both time and resources which few firms are able to achieve, even big ones.

The common theme running through much of what makes a good investment manager is the depth of the relationship needed to make it work well. This is important since it is the area which can have the most direct effect on a client’s wealth, whether the primary focus is conserving it or creating more of it.

For this reason alone it is important to consider a private portfolio management service among other financial management options, and make sure the firm you select has set high standards of client-orientated service, has an efficient back office, as well as experienced investment management personnel who will look after your nest-egg in the manner you have every right to expect.

Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments. If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, contact Leslie directly by fax on (038) 232522 or e-mail [email protected]. Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website on www.westminsterthailand.com.

Editor’s note: Leslie sometimes receives e-mails to which he is unable to respond due to the sender’s automatic return address being incorrect. If you have sent him an e-mail to which you have not received a reply, this may be why. To ensure his prompt response to your enquiry, please include your complete return e-mail address, or a contact phone/fax number.

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The Computer Doctor

by Richard Bunch

From Peter Mitchell, Pattaya: I recently read a reference to JFAX, a service that allows faxes to be sent to an e-mail address. I found their website and was slightly surprised that it was based in Lebanon and when I attempted to register was alerted to a certification error, so I aborted. Can you recommend this or any similar service? It would be a particular boon for me to have a single fax number as I have two “offices” 10,000 km apart. I should also be very happy to say farewell to thermal paper!

Computer Doctor replies: There are quite a few of these facilities available either over the Net or through a fax client. Most of the popular fax programs have this facility in-built, although these sometimes necessitate subscribing to a third party service. With regards to the Web based provider you mentioned, I personally have no knowledge of them; however, I have tried and found to be very good the service provided at www.faxaway.com.

From Jennifer Hawkins, Laem Chabang: I work for a company located in Laem Chabang. We have around 60 staff and a two workgroups of 10 and 12 computers. These are located in various departments and in two buildings although these are only a short distance apart. My job requires me to gather information from both these areas and I lose a lot of time because I cannot get this information readily and have to physically get the information using a floppy disk. I have told my boss that there must be a more efficient way, as this is the first company I have worked in where physical movement was necessary. In my last office we had a network and if one was installed here, I am sure it would help not only me but other staff too. If I am correct do you think this would be very expensive?

Computer Doctor replies: Yes, I think you are correct and a professionally installed network would alleviate your distress! The office would also generally become more efficient with the free exchange of information. Generally the cost of the network can be recouped from savings in staff costs and other revenue expenses within 1 year. It is not really possible to give you a figure for the installation of a network without surveying the site, since there are many variables, like cabling distance, PC hardware and operating platforms, configuration of the server, etc. I suggest you approach your boss and point out the positive savings that can be achieved from a relatively modest capital outlay.

Send your questions or comments to the Pattaya Mail at 370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, 20260 or Fax to 038 427 596 or E-mail to [email protected]

Richard Bunch is Managing Director of Action Computer Technologies Co., Ltd.

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Successfully Yours: Hans Banziger

by Mirin MacCartthy

Hans Banziger, formerly the general manager of the Dusit Resort in Pattaya and now the proud proprietor of the Paradise Cafe and Grill, has been in Thailand twelve years.

After spending five minutes in his presence it does not come as a surprise to find he is Swiss. Hans is precise, sparkling eyed and a charming host, yet self contained, never losing his own individuality when in a crowd.

Born and educated in Allschwil near Basel, he lived on a farm until he was five years old; then the family moved into town. “My mother had a job and not much time so we children had to prepare the lunch. That was the start of my cooking experience.” From the outset, Hans enjoyed cooking and decided early on to pursue a career as a chef. He spent three years apprenticeship at college in Basel, gaining practical experience in different hotels.

One of the deciding factors on his career choice had been the opportunity it would provide to travel the world, cooking being a portable skill. However, his apprenticeship over, he was not allowed to escape quite so easily. In Switzerland they have a compulsory military service and Hans was called up.

He spent his first seventeen weeks in military training and was then free to spend the six months winter season as an assistant chef in Arosa. Then it was back to the military for another seventeen weeks of non commissioned officer school. “At that time I had the option, so that was basically the end of my military service. I spent one more six months winter season in a resort kitchen near St. Moritz.”

Hans’ well planned adventures started in earnest then with his first overseas experience - a year in Guernsey. “I realized that I would have to learn English to get a job anywhere and it had not been necessary to learn it in school in those days.”

He continued, “After a year there I was fairly proficient in English so I applied for a job in Bermuda. It was something exotic - appealing because it was so different from Switzerland,” he said and laughed. He spent an enjoyable three years in Bermuda as a sous chef.

Then it was off again and Hans spent a year near Cape Town in South Africa. “As a first time there it was good; South Africa is a very beautiful country but the racial situation is difficult.”

After that Hans chose Rio De Janeiro but after a month holiday there he concluded there was almost no hope of finding a position because he could speak no Portuguese.

So it was off to Moorea, near Tahiti, for the next two years. “I think island environments are the most beautiful in the world,” said Hans, his eyes lighting up.

He visited Singapore and Thailand on his trips home from there so he had become familiar with the standards of the hotels in SE Asia, and in his methodical Swiss way, all this was filed mentally for further use.

It was at this stage that Hans was given the opportunity to go into partnership in a French restaurant in Florida, on the east coast of America near the Gulf of Mexico. However, like so many partnerships they had differing ideas so Hans changed directions again.

He was offered a job with the Dusit Hotel group. It was as food and beverage manager at the newly opened Dusit Laguna and capitalizing on his previous knowledge of the standard of hotels in Asia, he accepted. At that stage he thought that was the end of his career as a chef.

Hans spent four years there and the Dusit Group decided they liked his style and made him hotel manager of the Santiburi Dusit Resort in Koh Samui, a small but exclusive resort of 74 Thai-style villas.

During his three years there Hans did a summer course in hotel management from Cornell University in New York, which he believes gave him an excellent grounding in the basics.

Then for a vastly different experience Hans was offered the position as hotel manager of the 474 room Dusit Resort here in Pattaya. It was during his four years here when he met the love of his life, Dang, who was working with him there. They were married last year.

However, Hans had felt the call of his own kitchen as well as the call of his heart and had been looking around for a place to put his own signature.

A few months ago he began to do just that, and six weeks ago he opened his own tropical restaurant, Paradise Caf้ and Grill on Pattaya Second Road. The d้cor is amazing - huge surreal paintings of tropical island rainforest. “I had an idea of the design concept, tropical island of course, something different from continental.” This d้cor is stunning and very effective - you appear to be sitting in a Henri Rousseau jungle. “The menu is a little different from most restaurants, too. I have implemented some ideas I have learned over the years. The aim is to offer our guests a different dining experience.”

Success to Hans means, “setting your goals, then to have the patience and desire to achieve a favourable outcome” His advice to foreigners wanting to work here is to, “bring some experience and be open minded enough to adjust to a different life style. Do not try to force your own way of working.”

His plans for the future are here. “I have been in Thailand twelve years now. After travelling for 22 years it was time to stop. I enjoy working here and the people and the climate,” he smiled.

The man who began as a chef and then thought he had left it behind has found that after all it really was his true calling. Pattaya and his own restaurant have become his paradise!

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Snap Shots: Light it from behind

For many years the classic lighting was with the sun behind the photographer’s back. This way the subject was well lit by the celestial light technician and you were almost always guaranteed of at least getting an image. Yes, shooting with the light was tried and true.

Those who were brave enough to try putting the sun behind the subject and shooting into the light were generally rewarded with either flare in the lens or a picture that was too dark and murky. The “Keep the sun behind the photographer” group would smile.

Back light

However, some of the best portraits, and most dramatic pictures, will come from shooting into the light - you just have to know a couple of little wriggles and you will be laughing.

The following tips will cover fully manually operated SLR’s or even humble point and shooters, so load up with film and follow Harry’s advice.

The first tip is never allow the sun to “flare” directly into the camera lens. While you want to have the sun in front of you (and behind the subject) it is not easy to include the sun in the picture as well, without getting funny hexagonal white “reflections” in the final print. Even with all the super fancy multicoated lenses of today, you will still get flare. The trick here is to have the shadow of the subject fall across the lens, or get an assistant to shield the lens with a large piece of card, so that again the lens is in shadow. As photographer, you have to make sure the piece of card is not in the viewfinder, however!

Now the next problem is to get the correct exposure for your back-lit masterpiece. This is actually quite easy after you understand just what the clever little diodes are trying to do inside your camera. You see, the exposure meter built in to your camera is trying to “average out” the light levels that are coming through the lens. When you shoot “with” the light, then the reflected sunshine from the subject is around the same as the light levels from the background and the diodes have no problem. However, in the backlighting situation it is very different. You have a very bright and intense light (the sun) plus the subject matter which is dark because it is in the shadow side from the sun. The diodes cannot cope and generally try to tone down the brightness, making the darker subject even darker. Result an underexposed print.

So here is what to do. Let us imagine that you are taking a portrait - what you have to do is expose for the subject, not the background. This you do by walking in very close to the subject, till the face fills the frame and take the exposure reading. Now either keep your finger on the shutter release and walk back and take your shot with the exposure details “memorised” by the camera, or make a note of what the readings are and manually set the camera to suit. You will find these readings are roughly two stops more light than the camera “thinks” they should be.

Now for the point and shooters, you have a slight problem, in that holding the shutter button half way “locks” the focus as well as the exposure, so you cannot walk right in and take the readings. Here’s Harry’s simple tip - point the camera at the feet of the subject, so that there is no sun in the frame or bright sky. The focus will be OK as you will still be the same distance from the subject. Half depress the shutter button to lock focus and exposure, and keeping the finger on the button move the camera up to frame up the shot and click - you’ve fooled the auto eye again!

Try it this weekend.

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Modern Medicine: Baldilocks and the Three Hairs!

by Dr Iain Corness

Male pattern baldness is a curse bestowed upon men by their fathers. Yes, chaps, the way your hair disappears depends upon the genetic disposition you inherited from your fathers. I also fully realise that some of you will say, “My father had a full head of hair until he was 90 and I am going bald at 50.” The answer is genetic heritage. Did you study the postman?

Jokes aside, male pattern baldness (or Androgenetic alopecia, the medical terminology) results from the presence of circulating androgens (sex hormones) in susceptible individuals. The end result is as the diagram, so you can now classify yourself as to what stage you are at.

What actually happens is that the sensitive scalp follicles are progressively made smaller by Dihydrotestosterone (the male sex hormone DHT), so the hair becomes finer and finer and eventually falls out altogether. It is actually normal to lose between 50 to 200 hairs every day - as you get older, this rate increases.

Another strange fact is that the rest of the hair on the body does the reverse with exposure to DHT. Body hair becomes darker and coarser and more copious.

Unfortunately, our appearance is very intimately involved with our own self esteem. None of us want to get older (though it does beat the alternative!) and we certainly do not wish to be reminded of this fact every time we look in the mirror.

Consequently there are many forms of “treatment” for male pattern baldness, and the range is quite extensive. The simplest, but most unsatisfactory method is straight out camouflage. This includes spray can hair sprays that hold the hair in place and colour the scalp. Unfortunately, they are messy and the dye can run in the rain.

The next form of treatment is the covering wig. These come in many forms from quite good to downright dreadful. Unfortunately, the cheaper acrylic hair models are very easily detectable. Interwoven models, where the articial hair is entwined with natural hair looks fine for a while, but have to be re-adjusted as the normal hair growth lifts the wig away from the scalp.

There are medications that can be used. The one that has been around the longest is Minoxidil, usually sold as “Regaine” and comes in 2% and 5% solutions. These have to be rubbed into the scalp twice a day for ever thereafter. The main problem with Minoxidil is that it takes two to three months before it stops the hair shedding and another four to eight months before regrowth may be apparent. On the downside, only around 50% respond and scalp irritation from the liquid is quite common.

There is now a drug called Finasteride, taken by mouth. This drug blocks conversion of androgen to DHT and the results would seem to show that for most men, hair loss is slowed or stopped and a significant proportion actually get regrowth as well. Again it is necessary to take the medication for at least three months before any change will be observed.

Finally, there is surgery to take good hair from the back and side of the scalp and transplant it into the bald areas. Again this is time consuming, and in the intermediate stages looks most un-natural. The best is transplanting individual hairs, rather than the punch graft tufts, but it is naturally a longer and more expensive procedure.

So that’s the good news, gentlemen. You don’t have to go bald, but expect your wallet to get slimmer instead. The choice is yours.

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Dear Hillary,

I am a long term resident in Pattaya but I have a big problem with my Thai maid. Her English is not good and I am afraid my Thai is not much better. Part of her job is to make the evening meal for my husband and I six nights a week. Honestly, Hillary, we are at the stage of looking forward to Sunday every week when she has her night off. Her meals are not good. Chili’s everywhere, strange green vegetables that she can’t tell me the name of in English and even weirder curries.

Compounding the problem is the fact that she is just so proud of the meals she cooks and she stands there watching us eat! What can we do? We don’t want to lose her, as she is a gem in every other way. Hillary, Oh Hillary - tell me the answer please!

Carrie the curry eater

Dear Carrie,

Oh my dear! Consider starting eating out. In the mean time, learn these phrases: kin ped mai dai (cannot eat spicy food), mai sy prik (don’t put chili), mai shob prik (don’t like chili), and the essential shob nit noi (meaning ‘like a little bit only’ - which is a tactful and life saving way of saying, ‘don’t like it much’). Rush down to Bookazine book store and buy a cookbook that is written in Thai and English; yes there are some, think they are called ‘Cooking Thai Food in American Kitchens.’ Choose a recipe you want her to cook, show her the Thai version and say, ‘mai sai prik, mai chop prik.’ When you have tasted it, if you don’t like it then don’t eat it and certainly say ‘shob nit noi’ with a big smile. In this way you won’t be continually tortured with horrible dishes she thinks you like. If all this fails, convince her that you want to cook Thai and get her to prepare the meals to cut up stage. Did you know, too, that in most of the supermarkets here there are pre-packed Thai meals that come with the raw meat, vegetables and sauces, cost around 25 to 40 baht per meal and need only one quarter of the sauce or spice added to make great easy food. The best of British luck to you my dear.

Dear Hillary,

I am a good looking American gay guy who has found paradise in Pattaya, other than one thing - there still seems to be a lot of prejudice against gays from the farang population. Why should this be? In Pattaya where I hang out, everyone is gay. Should I restrict myself to the Pattayaland and Sunee Plaza sois or what do you suggest? Or are you anti-gay too? I am interested to see your answer.

Robert

Dear Robert,

Are you kidding me? Some of Hillary’s best friends are gays This is the most tolerant city gender wise. Hillary has often remarked before that there are four sexes here: girls, boys, lady-boys, and boy-ladies. Nobody gives a fig leaf. Perhaps you are turning the farangs off by the company you keep. Generally farangs are revolted to see adult farang gays in the company of very young Thai boys. If you want to be accepted in mixed company then try to behave conservatively and not flaunt your sexual bias; after all, most straight folks don’t go round shouting there hetero-ness from the rooftops. If you can’t manage this, then yes do restrict yourself to Soi Pattayaland 3.

Dear Hillary,

If the police are so worried about the go-go dancers in the buff, then why do they let it continue? We are constantly told that the police are on the look out, but this “illegal” practice go-goes on. Anybody and everybody knows where these places are, except the police it seems. What’s wrong with the old bit of nudie cutie? What do you think Hillary?

Roger the Dodger

Dear Roger,

Are you dodging them or living up to your namesake? I really am not sure what your question is, “The shortsightedness of the police, or the rights and wrongs of exhibitionism or voyeurism.” As for Hillary’s opinion; in the words of a dearly departed French hotelier, “life is a cabaret old son, you get to choose what you want to indulge in!”

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GRAPEVINE

What’s in a pub name?
When you get down to it, pub signs are a mine of useless information. As every Pattaya drunk knows, The Red Lion is so called because James The First of England was also king of Scotland and wanted ale houses south of the border to promote the other country’s heraldic red lion. Or risk being shut down by the seventeenth century fuzz. The oldest pub name in England is said to be The Bush, which has survived in the expression Good wine needs no bush. Apparently, there were several hundred Bushes in Roman times, far too many, which may explain why the invaders eventually had to leave the country in drunken disarray. Adult illiteracy has always been a big problem in England, so many taverns had a picture over the door to help you remember the name. The Miller’s Wheel, The White Horse and The Crossed Keys are all examples of how medieval landlords sought to increase market share. England’s first gay pub in eighteenth century Liverpool was named The Heinous Center of Godless Abomination, or that’s what the judge called it at the trial.

British rule in Pattaya
Pattaya is best known as a place where retired Brits spend their life savings investing in beer bars in order to make a fortune. Abandoning the fine traditions of their ancestors, they tend to hang out a union jack and name the establishment after themselves. Mick’s, Tommy’s, Dave’s, Bob’s are all examples of this pervasive trend. However, pub names such as Cecil’s, Quentin’s and Slender Glenda’s are not currently in vogue for reasons which remain obscure. The alternative strategy is to name your pub after someone or something famous. Pattaya examples include Fawlty Towers and The Rover’s Return, not noticeably frequented by their respective casts, Desperate Dan’s, which we hope he is not, and The Dog’s Bollocks which is seriously misunderstood. The term refers to a beer brand and not to the canine anatomy. Some names are notoriously ambiguous. The Bunker was widely believed to be a hostelry for the retired SS until someone noticed a lot of golfers go there. Come on lads, you can do better than that. What we need are glamorous names such as The Fuzz and Firkin, The Slug and Lettuce and The Caxton Gibbet. Now that would really pull ‘em in.

Legal considerations
Mind you, you have to be careful about business names. There’s a legal battle going on in the UK at the moment because somebody wants to change the name of his local from The Sir Douglas Haig as he was the controversial field marshal who ordered the disastrous charges at the Somme in 1916. Even Pattaya has had its problems. Ten years ago, Harrod’s of London tried to sue a restraunteur in the resort because he used the same distinguished name. However, as they learned more about how civil courts operate here, the lawyer’s down payment lump sum and the filing cabinets of documents required to make even a preliminary submission, they decided to give up. A sign in a Naklua shop house a few years ago actually stated Marks and Spencer’s Being Sold Here which must have come as a bit of a surprise to the major shareholders. Of course, you would have to be much more careful now in these days of international franchising. Woe betide any bright spark who attempted to pervert the course of justice by opening up a food joint selling Kentucky Fried Grasshoppers, Pizza Hovel or The Big Muckburger. All hell would break loose.

Unlucky for some
It’s easy to make mistakes when you launch into enterprise. A cheap hotel in Manila has recently been spotlighted after three guests died and two others collapsed with heart attacks within a single month. It was called Lucky You. A pub in Southampton has been forced to change its name from Marie Celeste after locals complained it always seemed deserted. A club in Beirut, The Flying Dutchman, was closed by the police after four sailors from Holland were found high on amphetamines. The Titanic discotheque in Phuket never really got under way, whilst a theme pub to be called Filthy McNasty’s failed to obtain a license as the phrase could not be translated into meaningful Thai. Other places of entertainment which have been forced to close worldwide for one reason and another include The Frau Goebbels, The Coughing Parrot and The Varicose Vein.

Sleepless nights
Ask any Pattaya bar owner and he’ll tell you that selling beer and food is not as easy as it sounds. In a startling case, authorities last month ordered a British guy to take down his board which stated quite categorically Best Pies In Pattaya and to remove a row of plant pots which were standing harmlessly on the pavement. After exhaustive enquiries and a week of sleepless nights, it transpired that he had not paid his annual Sign Tax and that the plant pots might fall on someone’s head and cause a nasty injury. Anyone still not convinced could always ask the unshaven and scruffy Australian whose bar in Angeles City, Philippines, was named Sod Off Three. When a fellow Aussie asked him why he had chosen that particular name in a very competitive environment, he explained, “I had to do something drastic. I lost a fortune with Sod Off One and Two.”

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Dining Out: Greg’s Kitchen - Food like Mum used to make!

by Miss Terry Diner

On the evening the Dining Out Team decided to visit Greg’s Kitchen, it was one of those spur of the moment ideas. We walked into his restaurant, said, “Greg Sulis, this is your life!” and stood there. Greg, like any good restaurateur took it all in his stride and said, “Air-conditioned or outside?” We knew then that this was going to be a fun night.

Greg’s Kitchen is on 2nd Road, almost opposite Soi 6 (Yodsak). There are three distinct eating areas - footpath, inside with fan and further inside with aircon. Blue tablecloths and wooden pictures make up the d้cor. The restaurant ambience was, on that night anyway, the sound of English accents as locals and visitors chatted away across the tables to each other. It has a certain “homey” atmosphere.

On the Thursday night we visited, the restaurant (all sections) very quickly filled, so the popularity of the place was not in doubt. The menu is a single large A3 sheet with English on one side and Russian on the other. “Our customers are 85% British and 15% Russian and Thai,” Greg said. There are no starters, because, as Greg explained, “Our meals are so big you couldn’t eat a starter and a main!”

Daily specials revolve around his roasts - on that evening, lamb and mint sauce for 285 baht, or beef and Yorkshire pud at 195 baht. There is a choice of 17 mains, ranging in price between 185 - 220 baht, plus 3 steaks (Porterhouse, T-bone, Fillet) all at 450 baht. In addition, there are toasties with a huge variety of fillings at 95 baht and jacket potatoes, again with an amazing array of fillings for between 95 - 160 baht. 6 desserts and his “All Day” breakfast at 120 baht complete the Brit line-up. There is also a 16 item Thai menu with the standard fare around 110 baht. Almost forgot, there is a small wine list on the table with a French red or white at 550 baht, or 95 baht by the glass. The usual array of beers and soft drinks are also available.

I gave Greg the opportunity to steer us in any direction, asking, “What would you like to recommend?” “Honestly, try everything,” was the reply. Madame was interested in the roast lamb, while I decided to try the chicken schnitzel.

When the plates arrived, I jotted down in the notebook ‘hearty sized’. With Madame’s lamb came roast potatoes and vegetables and a side serve of the mint sauce. Accompanying the chicken was a beautiful baked cauliflower cheese plus peas and carrots. We tucked in, Madame stopping to sample her wine, while I stuck with the usual Singha Gold. We had a little of each other’s main dish and both decided that Greg’s Mum must have been a fine cook. This was good British tucker, no frills, just a good solid meal. And plenty of it!

As I slowly ground to a halt, with 25% still uneaten, I changed the entry in the notebook to ‘huge sized’. Greg had said he did not have a starters group in the menu because it would be too much to eat along with a main. After sampling his food, I wondered if he ever sold a dessert. The quantity is enormous.

Mind you, after a suitable break, Madame had a small portion of apple pie and ice cream! This was judged as being very nice, with just a hint of cloves in the apple.

So where do we put Greg’s Kitchen? This is the place you go when you are hungry. Greg’s mains are not for those with small appetites. If British cuisine is what you are hungering for, then we can recommend Greg’s Kitchen - but make sure you starve all day first!

By the way, Greg also has a deli section with pies and quiches, roast chicken, roast beef sandwiches and apple pies, etc. Order more than 12 items and you get a free breakfast too! It definitely is G for Greg, Great value and Gigantic portions!

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Animal Crackers: The Dolphin Surfers - A Reader’s Tale

by Mirin MacCarthy

A couple of years ago my brother in law, ‘Elephant’, as detectives are fondly called, and I decided to go surfing up the New South Wales coast.

About 5 hours drive north of Sydney we ended up in a place called Trial Bay, near South West Rocks, where the beach runs at 90 degrees to the coast and the waves break into a large bay. You can surf the waves for up to 500 metres.

The day after we got there, the surf was pumping. It had been raining for a week and the water was full of silt. Couldn’t see anything! Well, Elephant got his Malibu board, and I grabbed my ski and into it we went.

We had caught a couple of waves and as the paddle back to the take-off was quite long, we were having a rest, Elephant lying on his Malibu and me sitting on the ski with feet dangling in the murky water, when all of a sudden I felt a pressure wave round my feet. Just as I looked round I saw two large black fins cut the water not 1 metre from me.

Well, you can imagine. I got that tingling feeling in waves up and down my body. I pulled my feet up out of the water and Elephant did a great impression of a ballet dancer standing on his points.

I then had a good look at these terrors from the deep and realised that they had stopped. Both had rolled onto their sides and were looking at us, perhaps wondering what these silly humans were trying to do. They were two very large, black Dolphins!

After the body regained conscious control I just looked at them in amazement. I had never been that close to a dolphin. “What do we do now, Elephant?” “Go surfing.” he said. I started to paddle toward the nearest Dolphin and just as quickly they both disappeared, and of course, there was a good set of waves coming in.

I caught the next wave, flashed down the face and turned right hard at the bottom. As I turned my head, I nearly fell off the ski. There alongside me, surfing down the wave was one of the Dolphins, and already turning with me as I moved back up to the crest. It shot up and dived back into the wave next to me and shadowed me up and down, in and out, until I pulled off the wave. I then caught sight of Elephant. He had the other dolphins following him.

Over the next 40 minutes those Dolphins gave us a surfing lesson I will never forget, never getting our way, just playing around us. The crowd on the shore which had grown from one or two was now about 40 cheering us on. Cameras were clicking and videos rolling.

To this day I am stilled enthralled by the memory. It never happened again, although we have been back many times. You will never convince me that these are not intelligent, fun loving animals that deserve our admiration.

Readers Stories Wanted

Please send in your short animal stories to <[email protected]> and we will publish them in this column and credit the author.

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Shaman’s Rattle: Astrology - Is the Sun really in Uranus?

by Mirin MacCarthy

How many of you claim that Astrology is just a load of old cobblers, but at the same time, will avidly read your horoscope every day, week or whatever? How many of you will actually ask someone what their Sun sign is, and nod sagely when they fit into the astrological mould? Is Astrology really scientific? Can it really predict the future?

The first item to remember is that Astrology is not just something the world dreamed up yesterday. Astrology is as old as Methuselah himself. There are those who claim that Astrology came from Egypt and spread to the Eastern civilisations. There are also those who say it went the other way, but there does appear to be a common denominator between the Greeks, Sanskrit and Egyptian astrological philosophies and writings. Even many of the names for signs and symbols are very close in the different records.

Chinese Astrology also dates back thousands of years, long before the Indians, Greeks, Chaldeans and Mesopotamians started charting the heavens. The ancient Chinese were meticulous in preserving their astrological records and by 2000 BC the astronomers of China had determined the length of the year to be 365. They also clearly mapped the paths of the sun and moon well enough to predict eclipses.

Indian records also go back to around 3,500 BC, while the Mesopotamian writings go as far back as 2000 BC. These early records reveal a complex cosmology in which the sun, the moon and the planets represented gods who possessed the power to direct and intervene in the course of physical events. Nothing much is new, is it!

These early concepts progress through the Babylonian civilization, where they developed the idea that the planets had a divine nature and the ability to influence human destiny. The Babylonians established a pantheon of gods, each possessing dominion over a particular area of human experience.

The commonality of concept is enough to show that by the beginning of the Christian era there was a well documented background to the astrological beliefs of the day. The earliest known horoscope incorporating the principles of current style astrology dates to about 409 BC. Ptolemy, the Greek astronomer wrote the Tetrabiblos which summarized and extended the existing astronomical and astrological knowledge of his times.

However, as mankind set out on more scientific examination of his world and its position in the solar system, astrology and the science of astronomy moved away from each other.

Astrology ended up being classified as a pseudo-science. It has a scientific basis in its astronomical roots, but its predictive or interpretative abilities are not proven by scientific method. For example, no verifiable mechanism has been proposed by which the heavenly bodies can exert their influences on human affairs.

However, on the side of Astrology, there are studies that have shown a correlation between the phases of the moon and behaviour. After all, where did we get the term lunatic? From this type of data, the astrologers contend that there is evidence of heavenly influences on human behaviour even if we do not know what the mechanism is.

We also know that animal behaviour can be related to the seasons. It may be that when we are born, the environment may set all of our internal clocks and predispose us to certain types of behaviour and preferences. Your character type might just be in the stars after all.

The birth or sun sign used in most horoscopes relates to the position of the sun in the zodiac when the person was born. A person born at the time of the change of one sun sign to the next is said to be on the cusp.

The heavens themselves are also divided into 12 sections called houses. Unlike the zodiac signs, which represent the annual cycle of the sun, the houses reflect the earth’s daily rotation in relation to the constellations. Each house is responsible for certain human characteristics or aspects of experience such as romance, travel, health and thought. Every place and time on earth has a unique view of the houses.

From all this data, detailed horoscopes are constructed by interpreting a natal (birth) chart that shows the positions of the heavenly bodies and the orientations of the houses at the exact time and place of a person’s birth.

So for all of you who would like to know whom you share your astrological zodiac sign with, here are some notables.

Aries (March 21-April 19)- Leonardo Da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh, Harry Houdini, Charlie Chaplin, Marlon Brando and Leonard Nimoy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)- Sigmund Freud, Salvador Dali, Queen Elizabeth II, Audrey Hepburn and Barbara Streisand.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)- Queen Victoria, Bob Hope, Sir Laurence Olivier, John Wayne, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe and Bob Dylan.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)- Julius Caesar, Henry VIII, Ernest Hemingway, Nelson Mandela, Princess Diana and Tom Cruise.

Leo (July 23-August 22)- Napoleon Bonaparte, Henry Ford, Orville Wright, Alfred Hitchcock, Fidel Castro, Bill Clinton and Madonna.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)- Lyndon B. Johnson, Aristotle Onassis, Ingrid Bergman, Sophia Loren and Keanu Reeves.

Libra (September 23-October 23)- Mahatma Ghandi, Bridgit Bardot, John Lennon and Bruce Springsteen.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)- Marie Curie, Pablo Picasso, Richard Burton, Prince Charles, Demi Moore and Jodi Foster.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)- Nostradamus, Winston Churchill, Walt Disney, Frank Sinatra and Jane Fonda.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)- Albert Schweitzer, Joseph Stalin, Mao Tse-tung, Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley and Val Kilmer.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)- Mozart, Charles Darwin, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Dickens, Clark Gable and Vanessa Redgrave.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)- Albert Einstein, John Steinbeck, Jerry Lewis, Elizabeth Taylor, George Harrison and Drew Barrymore.

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Auto Mania: Testing, Testing, Testing!

by Dr. Iain Corness

Automania Quiz

Last week I asked about the only race driver that I know of who held the world Land Speed record for three years and ended his career (and his life) by being shot in the Ardennes by his mate who mistook him for a wild boar (and I am sure he wasn’t too happy about it either).

The answer was the wild man of the turn of the century motoring, Camille Jenatzy, AKA The Red Devil, (1868-1913) who was the first man to exceed 65 MPH in his electric car called La Jamais Contente. The international race he won was the Gordon Bennett Trophy in 1903 in a stripped touring Mercedes and he came second the following year. There you are, some real trivia - shot in the Ardennes (that’s a forest, not part of his anatomy!)

So this week to some local autotrivia, or its American connection. Local (retired) auto racer Del Schloemer comes from a long line of motoring Schloemers. One of them, Gottfried Schloemer of Milwaukee is famous for his part in American auto history. The question this week is, just what did Del’s great great grandpappy do, way back in the dawn of American automania? Be the first to fax 426 597 or email [email protected] to get the FREE beer. Anyone who rings Del to find out is automatically disqualified and Del has promised he will report all queries directly to me (even if you have bought him a beer first)!

Michael Schumacher

Testing, Testing, Testing!

With the first race of the Grand Prix season in one month’s time in Melbourne Australia, the Formula 1 Circus is hard at work preparing their respective challengers for the 2000 season.

New chassis, new power plants, new suspensions, new aerodynamics, new gearboxes and transmissions, and in some teams, new drivers. Since the 1st of January it really has been a case of testing, testing, testing.

For many teams, they have even had to bring in test drivers to evaluate components, running the parts in last year’s cars. Young Aussie hopeful Mark Webber has been running an Arrows with different electronic whizzbangery so that Arrows can see what works and what doesn’t. (By the way, watch this young man - he’s the best driver to come out of Oz for many years. I picked him with his incredible wet weather ability in Formula Ford in Australia some years ago, and he is definitely a “coming man”.)

Jenson Button

For the Formula 1 race drivers, their big salaries are not just for race weekend performances. Their work is at least five days per week of solid testing, testing, testing too. They have to be able to put in lap after lap after lap within a couple of hundredths of seconds of each other and then go out with some minor component change and see if it improves performance by another tenth or two. There is no leeway for not feeling too good that day or slacking on the back side of the circuit. With modern electronics, the race engineers can spot whether the driver is putting his “all” into it, or braking ten yards sooner or coming out of the corner on half throttle.

No, Formula 1 is big business and demands dedication from everyone involved, from the mechanics upwards and downwards - remember the debacle last year when Ferrari “lost” Irvine’s rear wheel? That probably cost them the world championship, and Eddie the gong he wouldn’t have deserved.

With Jordan being the big threat this year to the top boys at McLaren-Mercedes and Ferrari, it should be a great year for the motor racing buffs. I will be advising you of times and venues for the TV coverage and I look forward to sharing a couple of beers with you all as we share our favourite sport.

Where are all the great cars?

One’s brain becomes so benumbed by the never ending line up of pickups in this country that you begin to think there are no great cars left around. There are, but so many spend their time in aircon garages or in the re-po warehouses. But some do escape. Reading an advert the other day, there on offer, with no price tags, were the following gems - a new BeeEmm M Roadster, a 1995 Porsche Carrera, a ’94 Testa Rossa Fazza, a ’98 silver Benz SLK 230 complete with hairdryer (Kompressor) hanging off the engine, a ’99 Nissan GTR Skyline and even a ’93 Bentley Turbo-R.

BMW M Roadster

What would you pick from that line-up? Me? I would have to say that the M Roadster with its 300 odd neddies under the front would do me just nicely. 17" wheels with 9" rims on the rear and 40 series tyres, 5 speed box as standard and 0-100 clicks in 5.3 seconds. That, gentlemen, is a car!

At the risk of offending all the Ferrari fans, I must say that while I have enjoyed driving most models of the road going prancing horse, I wouldn’t want to own one. They always feel too fragile for me - a sort of 250 KPH girls car.

The Porsches on the other hand always feel very solid and tough. In three years with my 911 the only problem I ever had was snapping the end off the clutch cable, though I must say my heart was in my mouth driving to the shop, just in case it was an internal clutch problem and not just the operating string!

Mind you, the Nissan would be nice too. One of the most exciting road cars around, the twin turbo Godzillas. Shame about the very Japanese and plasticky interior.

The Bentley? Sorry, old chaps, but I wouldn’t give it house room, no matter how many planks of walnut they nail to the dashboard or herds of cows slaughtered by Mr. Connolly to cover the seats. In this climate it would have to end up as the world’s most expensive (and fastest) water boiler, too.

On the Button!

The F1 motor racing fraternity are all talking about Jenson Button, the 20 year old British driver from F3, who has been signed up by BMW Williams F1 to partner Ralf Schumacher this year. He had to go through a “shoot out” with Bruno Junquiera with each of them getting around 20 laps in the F1 car. Button was just over point one of a second quicker than his rival and ended up getting the nod from Sir Frank Williams.

There will be those who will think that Sir Frank did this to foster young British talent, rah rah, pip pip and all that. And all that hogwash! Sir Frank has been known to be the last person on pit lane to consider a driver. His methods and apparent lack of consideration for his drivers is well known. Alex Zanardi and Damon Hill, both dumped by Sir Frank, know what a warmth and generosity he exudes!

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Down The Iron Road: The Forgotten ‘MacArthurs’

by John D. Blyth

The fine sketch which accompanies this contribution is the work of my friend Ray Murphy of Bangkok, and I am grateful to him for his ready agreement to its use in Pattaya Mail.

War locomotives are a special breed: they have to be very tough, able to work in bad conditions with little or no maintenance, simple to operate, and able to be built in a hurry in large numbers. The Americans were past masters at all this, and the “MacArthurs’ were as American as any. 741 of them were built between 1942 and 1948, and after the war, six were delivered to Ethiopia, seven to Greece in the same year, and 33 to the newly-formed Indian Government Railways in 1948. In East Africa in 1953 there appeared mysteriously yet another, built almost entirely from spare parts supplied from former ‘Macarthur’ users! So the total appears to be 748 locomotives.

The ‘MacArthurs’ could be supplied for a track gauge of 1000 mm or 1067 mm (3 ft. 6 in.), and although there wasn’t any provision for conversion from one to the other, this was done in a number of cases; some locomotives for the White Pass and Yukon Route in Alaska were even converted to a 3 ft. gauge (915 mm.) To enable them to work almost anywhere, the weight on any one axle was kept down to 8 tons; they could burn coal or oil as fuel, although those which came to Thailand in 1946/7 all – naturally – burned wood. Most of the locomotives were sent at first to India, and it was in that country that the last ones were seen at work. During and after the war there was much movement of these ‘universal’ locomotives between countries, and I have listed elsewhere no less than 19 countries where they have worked, and 29 administrations they have worked for in those countries. I have, in that list, not included the USA itself, as although a few locomotives seem to have been left standing at the West Yermo Depot, there is no evidence available that any of them were ever put into service. Only those supplied to the S.E.K. (Greek national Railway) ever worked in Europe.

‘MacArthurs’ in Thailand

Occupying military powers seldom take much care of the property of the country they occupy, and although the rail system in Thailand kept going ‘after a fashion’ through the war it is plain that only just sufficient work was done to fulfill the needs of the Japanese ‘guests’, who had brought in a number of their own locomotives and some also from the Malayan and Indonesian systems. The Japanese engineer, Takao Takada, in his book ‘Steam of Thailand’ relates that he came to Thailand on a number of visits to recommend from examination which locomotives ought to be scrapped and which were fit to be repaired once more. A good portion of Makkasan workshops had been bombed to the ground, and three major bridges – the Rama VI bridge between Bangkok and Thonburi, the Tapi River bridge at Surat Thani, and the Bandara Bridge on the Northern line – had also been cut by bombing: of these only the last-named could be replaced by a temporary timber trestle bridge. This did not make the movement of locomotives, etc., any easier.

The allocation of 68 ‘MacArthur’ locomotives to Thailand in 1946/7 must indeed have been a blessing, even though many of them had seen much use elsewhere and were not in good condition. They came in three batches: (i) Twenty locomotives transferred from India to Malay, and surplus to requirements in that country. They passed to Thailand via Padang Besar, but would have to be ferried across the river at Surat Thani, and again from Thonburi to Bangkok. (ii) Twenty further locomotives from India, shipped to Malay and sent to Thailand by rail, the first arriving in January 1947. The final locomotives were 18 obtained new from the USA’s West Yermo depot. They were converted to the meter gauge before leaving the USA. Two were scrapped, one and possibly both having been damaged in accidents; the remaining 66 were all put to work, helping to provide some kind of skeleton service all over the system. As opportunity arose, 26 were sent to Japan for overhaul, 13 each to the K.S.K. works and the others to the Hitachi works. All 66 were still in service in 1965, and many were to work for another two years or so after that.

One writer has criticized the ‘MacArthurs’ but the loving care with which they were still being treated as late as 1971, when I saw two immaculately clean at Chumpon, and some at Thonburi with external decorations, do no suggest lack of appreciation by the regular crews. It has been suggested that the firebox was too small for the use of wood fuel, but it was commensurate with other dimensions. One of the simplifications was the absence of any side-play in the axle-boxes of the cooled wheels which may have made them a little right on sharp curves, but no difficulties are on record. They could have worked beyond the Kwae Bridge and up towards Wang Pho, and some difficulties on the curves of the trestle section could be possible. I did not see any on this section although there was one at Kanchanaburi at the time of my last visit. Their work was unspectacular and they seldom were seen except on freight trains. That they lasted until the end of steam in Thailand in the mid ‘70s, many years past their planned life of about 5 years, is tribute to their quality. They could run, too: Ray Murphy having timed one at a sustained 60 mph., 96 km/hr., in Costa Rica, is another tribute.

Some of my readers will know that at many State Railway stations a steam locomotive has been placed on permanent exhibition on a plinth. Authority does not seem to have felt keenly enough about the ‘MacArthurs’ to keep one in such a position, and other than five which went to Cambodia (where one was quickly run into another causing both to be withdrawn), all in Thailand went quickly and quietly to the scrap heap.

The very last in service were in India, not long ago, but they were in very poor condition and have now been withdrawn. A working MacArthur in year 2000? Sorry! You would have to look hard to find one at all! Possibly a wreck in Cambodia; but one of the post-war batch sent to Greece is preserved in a park in Kalamata, on the south coast of the Peloponnesus.

Some years ago I did a study of the ‘MacArthurs’ the world over. If any reader would like a copy I will willingly supply by post on receipt of four 10 baht stamps. My address is P.O. BOX 97, Pattaya City 20260.

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Coins of the Realm: Flat Coins

by Jan Olav Amalid,
President House of the Golden Coin

Some weeks ago I wrote about the first flat Thai coins officially issued. One of my readers asked me about this. With a smile. What is the sensation? Aren’t all coins flat?

Having visited a lot of countries around the world, he knew that not all coins were round. In Great Britain, for example, he remembered seeing the 12 sided 3 pence that when new almost looked like it was struck in gold. This coin was made in nickel-brass, was first issued in 1937 during the reign of George VI, and was last struck in 1970. After having been in circulation for some time, the coins lost their bright color, but still were popular with the public.

My friend and I talked about different shaped coins from around the world; the square ones from India, the ones with holes from Norway and many others. But, well, all coins he had seen were flat.

And here we are sitting in Pattaya Thailand where for more than 600 years Pod Duang, or bullet coins, were the standard coinage. These interesting coins came into general use during the Sukhothai period and were legal tender up till 1904. They could be exchanged at the Ministry of Finance until 1908.

3 pence 1970, struck in 750,000 PC, were part of the last set of the old Monetary System before Great Britain changed to Decimal Coinage in 1970.

These interesting coins were called bullet coins because of their shape. The coins were long pieces of silver shaped into a “bullet”.

Bullet coins from the Sukhothai period (1250-1419). One of the marks on the coins shows an elephant.

The production of bullet coins was time consuming. Around 1855, ten craftsmen could produce only 2,400 one baht coins in one day, far too little to meet the demand for coins. This is part of the reason why coins in Thailand today are flat.

If you happen to have one of these bullet coins, even the Ministry of Finance will not exchange them any more, but do not get depressed. I know many collectors that would be more than happy to buy a one baht bullet coin in nice condition for more than a thousand baht.

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Copyright 2000  Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
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Updated by Chinnaporn Sangwanlek, assisted by Boonsiri Suansuk.