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  COLUMNS

HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
Family Money: Weathering the Strom
 
The Computer Doctor

Successfully Yours: Sethapan (Eddie) Buddhani
 
Snap Shots: Harry’s been “kamoyed”!
   
Modern Medicine: Stroke

Heart to Heart with Hillary
 
Grapevine
 
Dining Out: Italian under the stars 
   
Animal Crackers: Ribbitt, Ribbitt!
 
Auto Mania: Lexus LS 400
 
Fitness Tips: Super Foods

Family Money: Weathering the Strom

By Leslie Wright

Many investors these days find themselves caught between the Scylla of euphoria and the Charybdis of caution. It seems increasingly difficult to steer a safe passage between the two.

Euphoria because their selected stock markets continue to rise, seemingly inexorably, and profits (at least on paper) are looking very good indeed. They know too that, in the long term, equities outperform bonds, which outperform cash.

Caution because prudence and past experience tells them that stock markets are volatile, and when they rise and rise and rise - especially when this continued rise seems to be driven more by investor sentiment than fundamentals - there’s often a sudden fall which can catch out unwary investors, especially those who came late to the party.

The traditional cautious approach was to hold cash and bonds, and eschew equities altogether.

But interest rates on cash deposits are universally so low nowadays that they are hardly beating inflation - even though that phenomenon seems to have been held in check (at least for the time being) at historically low figures as well.

Historically, when interest rates were lowered, or remained low for some time, bonds produced a good return with relatively little volatility.

But even though interest rates have fallen almost universally over the past year, bonds have failed to perform as traditional theory indicated.

Many people who invested in ‘safe haven’ bond funds have lost money this year, and recent indications that interest rates may be raised again later in the year have caused bonds to slump still further.

On the other hand, the US stock market, which even a year ago seemed overheated, has continued to rise beyond many analysts’ expectations, while certain other stock markets, which a year ago seemed highly risky, have proved the best performers.

It’s certainly far from easy to guess which markets to invest in, and which to shy away from!

Of course, if investors put regular amounts into equity funds, market timing and watching become much less significant issues, since over time, unit-cost averaging will even out the bumps for them. So regular savers tend to fret less about short-term volatility. (Or rather, those who understand how unit-cost averaging works fret less.)

But if an investor buys in with a lump-sum of capital, this immediately becomes exposed to market volatility, which naturally leads to concern about possible downturns in the selected markets.

Most sensible investors would like to gain maximum returns from strong stock market movements, while at the same time reduce the inherent volatility.

How can they participate in equity markets and at the same time limit their potential risk?

The conventional approach to the requirement for lower fund volatility, for example as retirement approaches, has been to switch into bonds.

However, because bonds have historically returned about 5.5% p.a. less than equities, some would argue that 5.5% is too high a price to pay for lower volatility.

And as noted earlier, such a switch at the beginning of this year would in most cases have almost certainly produced a negative return. (Or, to put it bluntly, you’d have lost money.)

The optimal solution is to find a fund which is less risky than a pure equity investment but which would generate higher returns than a cash or bond alternative.

Such funds have been around for some time, but up until recently were available only to institutional investors or to private investors for significant amounts of capital - typically exceeding US$1 million. The Big Boys, in other words.

In the realisation that such limited-risk funds would be of considerable interest to more modest investors who typically have much less than US$1 million to invest, several institutions have now designed and launched funds which mimic their substantial-investment cousins - managed by the same people in the same style, and riding on the back of their successful track record - and made these available to us more average investors with only a few tens of thousands to invest, rather than millions.

Designed to give conservative investors the chance to participate in the equity markets while limiting their potential risk, these types of funds are growing in popularity, but there remains a great deal of confusion about how they work in practice.

To try to answer some of the most widely asked questions surrounding these limited-risk funds, this week I’m taking a closer look at how one such fund* actually operates. A question-&-answer ‘interview’ format seemed the best way to do this.

Q: How does this particular fund manage to participate in the equity markets but still have some degree of protection?

A: About 98% of the fund is invested in equities and the remainder is used to purchase downside protection through the use of options.

Q: How does this work?

A: The equity exposure is effectively ‘hedged’ using options. This ‘safety net’ is actively managed, and after strong market rises the net will be raised, thereby locking in profits in case of a subsequent market correction.

Likewise, after sharp market fails, typically 10-20%, profits on the put option may be realised (i.e. the safety net is lowered) so the fund may benefit from any subsequent market rebound.

Q: How do these options actually work?

A: First, a 2-year, 5% out-of-the-money (‘otm’) American-style put option is purchased. This, if exercised, would give the fund the right, at any time between purchase and the expiry date of the option, to receive the cash difference between the index level prevailing at the time of exercise and the ‘strike’ of the option.

However, in order to reduce the cost of the option premium, and thereby improve the overall fund performance, a one-year 15% otm European call option is sold.

This means that if the market were to have risen by more than 15% by the expiry date of the option, the fund will pay the cash difference between the level of the market on expiry day and the ‘strike’ of the option that was sold (which would have been the level of the index on the day of sale, plus 15%).

Q: How does this technique compare with other protected/guaranteed investment vehicles?

A: Firstly, the relative cheapness of the built-in ‘insurance policy’ (i.e. the underlying options strategy.) For example, this particular fund uses longer dated options and its manager simultaneously sells option premium. (It is perhaps interesting to note that much of the commentary in the UK surrounding these types of investment vehicles has been implicit criticism about the high cost of the built-in protection - LW.)

Q: This is fine in principle but is there proof that this works in reality?

A: This strategy was first applied to a UK version of this offshore fund which was initially designed to provide investors with an alternative to bonds - thereby enabling them to remain invested in equity markets while minimising downside risk.

If we look at performance of that fund since launch, relative to its sector, the fund actually returned +61.10% versus a sector average of +87.12%.

At first glance, this may look somewhat alarming. However, sector categorisation does not currently take account of fund volatility, and since most of the funds in this sector have a high equity content without any downside protection, it is not surprising to learn that the fund in question is the least risky fund in its sector.

Consequently, and given the eclectic nature of peer groups, risk-adjusted performance comparisons are, perhaps, more appropriate than absolute performance comparisons.

Another way of measuring this fund’s performance is to compare it with other funds that have similar risk characteristics.

Since the fund in question was initially designed as an alternative to bonds, it is reasonable to expect that bond funds will have similar risk characteristics.

In actual fact, the average fund in the UK Fixed Interest sector is riskier than the fund we’re examining.

Moreover, when compared with the UK Fixed Interest Sector, the fund we’re looking at has generated an excess return of 11.19% since launch. (A total return of +61.10% versus +49.91 % for the sector).

Q: What happens if the market rises or falls sharply? Also, would the fund be disadvantaged if the market went nowhere?

A: Strongly-rising, static, and crash type scenarios would typically produce the following results:

Market Movement
(capital terms)
Return at year end
 (including dividends)
+10%
0%
-25%
+12.77%
5.27%
-5.06%

 Even in a ‘crash’ type scenario, the investor’s downside is substantially less than the market drop, while in either a neutral or rising market, his return would exceed the market norm.

This clearly demonstrates the potential benefits such a limited-risk fund could have in a conservative investor’s portfolio.

* It should be noted, however, that while this particular fund is typical of several, it should not be inferred that other limited-risk funds operate in the same way, nor are managed in the same style. Each has its own characteristics, and has to be appraised on its own merits.

Nor am I advocating that this particular fund is better than others, nor that it is suitable for all investors in all instances. It is just one example of a trend in a competitive international business environment, but an additional choice that prudent potential investors should be aware of.

If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, write to Leslie Wright, c/o Family Money, Pattaya Mail, or fax him directly on (038) 232522 or e-mail him at [email protected]. Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website on www.westminsterthailand.com.

Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments.

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The Computer Doctor

by Richard Bunch

From Ron: What is a software switch? I read your advice on typing Thai with a Thai keyboard Thai fonts and a software switch. Thanks.

Computer Doctor replies: This is quite simply a piece of software that basically intercepts the keyboard stroke and allows Thai to be input. It is a very small TSR (Terminate and Stay Resident) program, meaning that once invoked, the only way to close it is either shutdown and restart or under Windows95 & 98 Ctrl + Alt + Del then End Task on the program. The program can be downloaded from many web sites or you can have us or another computer store install it for you. To download go to http://thaigate.rd.nacsis.ac.jp/refer/thaiio.html and take the files named thaikbd.exe and thaihook.dll. These files on their own will not allow you to input Thai, you will also need dome Thai fonts that work with the switch. Some are available on the same site and named DBThaiText.

I suggest you make a new directory called KBSwitch and put the thaikbd.exe and thaihook.dll into it, then make a shortcut on your Desktop to the program thaikbd.exe, rename the shortcut if you wish Keyboard Switch. You also need to install the fonts traditionally through Control Panel/Fonts Install New Font.

Once this is done, click on the shortcut. You will see a small panel appear in the top left hand corner of your monitor, the left-hand button switches input between Thai and English. To type Thai all you need to do, within your application, say Word, is ensure that the switch is showing the Thai character then select one of the DB Fonts as you would any other font and you should be typing Thai.

From Aloijsius Deins: I always read your articles in the Pattaya Mail and now I have a private question. Last week I read your article about the Net2Phone and Fax. I have installed it the same as the telephone on my computer. I think I have done something wrong, because it is not working. My question is now must I make same as the telephone, so first enter 001 then the country number etc. or direct the country number, so for Holland, 00131 or Germany, 0049.

Computer Doctor replies: You do need to enter the Net2Phone / Fax international dialing code first, this is 011 and remains the same no matter which country you are in when requesting an international line, then the country code for the destination country followed by the area code without the 0’s and finally the subscribers number.

This should work fine and of course, if you want to save yourself the trouble of entering them next time you want to call, you can add them to the Net2Phone address book.

Send your questions or comments to the Pattaya Mail at 370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, 20260 or Fax to 038 427 596 or E-mail to [email protected].

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Successfully Yours: Sethapan (Eddie) Buddhani

by Mirin MacCarthy

Anyone could be forgiven for expecting that the Director of the local branch of the Tourism Authority of Thailand (T.A.T.) would be full of razzmatazz. Khun Sethapan (known as Eddie) Buddhani, as you discover, is not. Instead, he is full of an authentic inner glow rather than hype.

Discounting his genuine apology for being two minutes late and writing it off to “easy charm” would be a mistake. Eddie is alive and well and a genuine diamond on a stage full of actors.

Born in Isaan, in a small town near the Mekong River, to a family of six, “One brother an engineer, one sister a business-woman in Italy and one a Judge in Bangkok.” With both of his parents teachers, and his father in the Ministry of Education, there may have been a strong parental influence towards further education.

The family moved to Bangkok when he was seven for the children’s schooling. Eddie went to school there and followed this with tertiary education at Ramkanghaeng University, graduating with a B.A in Education. Unfortunately, his father died when Eddie was in his teens. “My mother looked after us all,” he said.

His dream after graduation was to help the rural poor, so it was back to Isaan for a couple of years teaching and helping with building projects any way he could. “You might say I was then a social activist, I suppose. I learnt though, that I could not change the old ways.”

Eddie decided to travel and do his Masters Degree in Public Administration in the States. He took his young Isaan bride with him to Texas where they studied and lived for the next seven years. They returned to Bangkok for the birth of their second son. Eddie then worked in the front office of the Indra Regent Hotel for a year and lectured at the weekends on Industrial Management at the School of Technology.

His next move was to the T.A.T. because, “It was a good, prestigious job. Tourism was becoming popular and if you can help develop tourism and get more people into an area, then there is more money and more jobs for poor people, so everyone benefits.”

Eddie spent seven years in Bangkok, five of them in the tourism service area looking after international officials and media representatives. Two years there were spent in a continual circuit of three days Bangkok, three days Pattaya, 3 days Chiang Mai and 3 days in Phuket. He then spent 2 years in Pitsanalok and two years in Korat.

Eddie loves dogs and used his time in Korat to breed the Thai white and tan Bang Kaews. He had sixteen of them while he was there, reluctantly giving most of them away when he moved.

Eddie has now been stationed in Pattaya for the last couple of years and travels home to his family in Bangkok at the weekends. It is important to him that his children receive their education there, as he did.

His aims for the present revolve around his work here in Pattaya, directed for, “The improvement of Pattaya as a tourist destination. Building up the awareness of society and cleaning up the environment. We want to change the emphasis of Pattaya as a destination to one of a sports paradise and family holidays with all kinds of restaurants. I personally keep a low profile and work through the associations here to benefit society.”

In his spare time Eddie plays some golf, studies Buddhism and meditates. “Meditation is my hobby now. Two years ago I went to a Buddhist meditation school for a week, at first I thought, ‘What am I doing here, I could be playing golf?’ Though after four days of practice you begin to understand you don’t own your own body, and all suffering is caused by desire. I like to practice about two hours a day. Some people may laugh but look at me, I am happy. I don’t need drugs or alcohol to get high.”

The most important value to Eddie in his work is being able to help the poor. “I joined the T.A.T. because this work creates more jobs and more money for society.”

Even in his life, Buddhist practice is important as well as doing everything to 100% of his ability. “I would like to practice mindfulness meditation more and share my Buddhist knowledge with people. I would love to be an instructor for Buddhist meditation.”

It therefore comes as no surprise that his advice for young business people today incorporates Buddhist sentiments. “Don’t only take but give back to society, take care of the society and work for environmental awareness. Share with others, you cannot survive if you grab everything for yourself.”

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Snap Shots: Harry’s been “kamoyed” !

by Harry Flashman

Harry Flashman’s cameras are not just means of earning a living, they are also his friends, so to lose one is a disaster. Ask any photojournalist how they feel without a camera and they will all tell you the same story - it is like having your arm chopped off!

Harry, being a diligent and active PJ, always carries his cameras with him, in a large battered grey bag. Two Nikon FA’s, one Nikon FM2N, a couple of motor drives, a Metz 45 CT1 flash, plus filters, three lenses, tripod adapter for a Manfrotto tripod, spare cables, wires, black tape and a notebook. Two of the three cameras are always pre-loaded with film and have a lens mounted ready to go. This is nothing out of the ordinary, it is just the usual kit and kaboodle for an active PJ.

The other evening, Harry and his wife went out to dinner, leaving the porch light on to make finding the keys for the triple locked front door easier when they came back. Returning an hour later they noticed the porch light was off. Having been robbed last year and Mrs. Harry losing all her jewelry, they opened the front door with dread.

Their fears were totally founded. They were greeted by entire chaos. Every drawer in the house had been tipped out on the ground, every cupboard’s contents strewn all over the floor and the hatch in the bathroom ominously open.

Also ominously open was Harry Flashman’s battered grey camera bag, which had been left behind for once, since he was having a “night off”. Needless to say, the bag was empty, other than the flash gun and a few filters that the kamoy had left behind.

With the house dead-locked everywhere and all windows barred, the kamoy had removed some roof tiles and come in through the ceiling. Apparently this is a common way to gain entry to what is otherwise an “impenetrable” home. The felon comes one evening and removes the roof tiles then returns the next day and does a quick robbery as soon as the occupants are out, taking anything that is small, valuable and easily carried. Like Harry’s cameras!

So what can you do to try and stop this dreadful scenario happening to you? Well, the first thing is to attempt to make your home as secure as you can possibly make it. Consider bars in the ceiling as well as the usual ones on the windows. Motion detectors around the house can make sense. So does a large dog.

After all that, what else can you do to protect your investment in camera gear (and other valuables)? Well, it’s called insurance. Now Harry here was led to believe that cameras could not be insured, so did not have any insurance. This was incorrect advice. A very brief chat with Jack Levy at Northern Thai Insurance revealed that for a premium of around 2% of the insured value, you can insure your cameras against theft from your home. If you want to cover them 24 hours a day in all locations, including your car, then the premium is considerably higher, around 6%.

Of course, insurance does not stop your cameras being stolen. Insurance also does not replace your prized camera with one exactly the same - in many instances this may be impossible following model changes and availability from the manufacturers and other such variables. In Harry’s case, his beloved Nikon FA’s are definitely not the current model, but at least it will be such that you can go shopping without it costing you an arm and a leg.

Being robbed of anything is a dreadful experience. Losing your cameras really is like losing an arm, a devastating experience. Harry sincerely hopes this never happens to you.

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Modern Medicine: Stroke

by Dr Iain Corness

Having a Stroke is one of the less fortunate outcomes of pre-existing disease processes. Of course, true to medical form, we have a series of initials to cover this condition, which we generally call a CVA, standing for Cerebro Vascular Accident.

However, make no mistake about it, this condition is not an ‘accident’ by any means.

A Stroke happens after an area of one’s brain becomes starved for oxygen. This in turn leads to death of brain tissue, called an infarction, and stops the functions which that particular part of the brain used to control.

For example, if it is a motor area, then the person cannot move their limbs. If it is an area that initiates speech, then the person cannot remember the word he wants to use, leading to extreme speech difficulties. If it is an area dealing with memory of events, then they are lost as well. Remember that your brain has some very specific centres, or areas controlling the complex function of the body.

Now how does the brain starve of oxygen? This happens by bleed or blockage. A bleed occurs when an artery in the brain “blows off” and the oxygen rich blood escapes. A blockage occurs when either a clot has formed somewhere in the body and then it moves and jams in the cerebral (brain) arterial system or when the clot forms initially in a pre-existing narrowing in one of the cerebral arteries.

So what are the conditions that lead up to these events? A bleed will occur if there is a weakness in the wall of a cerebral artery (a common one is called the Berry Aneurysm of the Circle of Willis) or if the Blood Pressure (BP - initials again!) has become dangerously high. A blockage, however, will occur especially if there is a cholesterol based narrowing called “Atheroma”, sometimes known as “hardening” of the arteries, in one of the cerebral arteries. This is called a cerebral thrombosis. The moving clot situation can occur after trauma or even with certain heart conditions and is known as a cerebral embolism.

So what can you do to try and avoid this catastrophic condition? Well firstly, get your blood pressure checked and if it is found that you have persistent hypertension go on treatment!

Secondly, get your cholesterol checked. If it is high then go on a cholesterol reducing diet, or even tablets if necessary.

Thirdly, take half an adult Aspirin a day. Yes, it has been found that 100 mgm of Aspirin stops the red blood cells “clumping” together and predisposing towards a blood clot. There are also some Aspirin forms made specifically for this preventive effect and a well known one has the brand name “Cardiprin” and is available readily in Pattaya.

After that, it is just a case of remaining generally fit, having regular exercise and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Have you looked at your Stroke Risk Factors recently? Do it!

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Dear Hillary,
I’m an expat wife here on the Eastern Seaboard and I can’t help being disgusted by all theses old farang men you see in Pattaya being escorted around by young teenage Thai girls. I think it’s a shame. The girls are probably just old enough to be their granddaughters. Do you consider it is right?
Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,
I say good luck to them. Consider how the elderly fare in their home countries, they would not be able to buy the same care and devotion even if they paid considerably more. It is a mutual cooperation that benefits both parties most times. At any rate I always consider personality and emotional compatibility to be more important than age and race differences.

Dear Hillary,
I notice Thai people bring fruit and drink and lighted incense sticks and place them in shrines and big ribbons tied to trees outside. Is this a part of Buddhism? What is the significance of all this?
Joe

Dear Joe,
Strictly speaking, no it is not exactly Buddhism. Offerings of incense, food and flowers in the open are usually made to the spirit of a place or the spirit of a tree. It is part of animism or ancestor worship. However, it is culturally very interwoven with Brahmanism and Buddhism as are many of the celebratory practices and festivals that you see here. Thais and Asians believe in spirits, of the land and the trees and the place. They make little miniature “spirit houses” to put outside houses and more elaborate affairs to put outside hotels and bigger buildings. Where possible they are always placed outside the shadow of the house and replenished with fresh water, food, flowers and incense daily. This is to placate the spirit of the place and stop them from becoming malevolent. Some particular ribbon bedecked huge trees and flower strewn large shrines (such as the Erawan shrine in Bangkok) are considered to be lucky. Here people leave incense when they pray for favours or luck in exams or in the lottery and promise gifts of carved wooden elephants or paid classical Thai dance performances when their requests have been granted.

Conversely, if the statue is that of a Buddha figure or a Buddha head in a temple or a Watt or temple ruins, then yes that is indeed part of Buddhism through making merit by “praying to”, making offerings to, or applying gold leaf to a Buddha image.

Dear Hillary,
I have a very annoying problem that you may be able to help me with. When we are sitting on any of the beaches here, a stream of traders selling anything and everything always accosts us. All we want to do is have quiet relaxing time sunbathing. How do we stop these interruptions?
Badgered

Dear Badgered,
Yes I agree with you, it is annoying. However, you should try relaxing on the beach in Vietnam, Malaysia or Indonesia where the competition is even more fierce and constant. Here all you have to do is pretend to be asleep. It works every time. Otherwise you can try to learn the phrase, “Mai ow kha” (for women) and “Mai ow khrap” for men, meaning, “I don’t want any.” Say it with a smile and a firm shake of the head and then look away. Do not maintain any eye contact. This works in restaurants for flower sellers also. Avoid the compelling and appealing wistful looks!

Dear Hillary,
I want to try Thai food but am afraid of the chili firepower. How do you eat in Thai restaurants and not have the food killer hot? Also is it safe to eat in these small roadside restaurants?
Jack

Dear Jack,
This is easily fixed with a help of a Thai/English speaker - try the receptionist at a big international hotel. At a quiet time offer them a tip. Have them teach you how to say, “No chili, no chili at all” which is “Mai ow prik, mai prik leuy.” Better yet, get them to write it out for you in Thai. While you are at it, get them to teach you how to say the names of the few dishes that are not hot.

Kwiteow nam gai, chicken noodle soup; Kia jeeoh yat sai moo, omelet stuffed with minced pork; Gai pad nam mun hoy, chicken with oyster sauce; Pad pak, fried vegetables; Gai pad khing, chicken with ginger and shallots; or Kow pad American, American fried rice.

Yes it is safe to eat mostly anywhere. Make sure the food is cooked, barbecued, stir-fried or boiled in front of you. Do not have any drinks with crushed ice in them (the tubular ice blocks are OK). Only eat cooked vegetables (not salads) and fruit you peel yourself. Do not eat seafood from a roadside stall. At worst you’ll be perched on the pedestal the next day! Be brave, Jack. Have a go and start enjoying Thai food. It’s flavoursome and cheap.

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GRAPEVINE

Excellent value
When Grapevine called incognito, there were great daily buffets on an ongoing basis at the Apex Hotel on Second Road, opposite Mike’s Department Store. Breakfast, served until 1.00 p.m., is 75 baht and evening dinner a surprisingly reasonable 120 baht. There’s a lot of choice and you return to the well laden tables as often as you like. Dinner includes soup, salad, beef medallions, spaghetti, Thai food and fruit or cake (or both) for dessert. Just about the best deal around.

Plumbing repairs
Fans of the Caf้ Royale, including overseas readers, will be pleased that Big Ian Read is well on the road to recovery after his quadruple heart bypass operation. Best informed sources say he’s cracked his cigarette problem to boot. Grapevine sneak previewed the hotel rooms to find they have been replumbed as well. The en-suites are retiled and refloored with spanking new ceilings, lights, mirrors, sanitary ware, electrical and water systems. Even better news, there are now fire hoses on all floors.

Three no trumps
Visitors and expats are always welcome at Pattaya Bridge Club which opened in 1994 and is still going strong. Still the only registered bridge club in Thailand outside Bangkok. It meets every Monday at 14.00 hours (be there ten minutes beforehand) for duplicate bridge games in the ground floor coffee shop of Pattaya Tower, also known as Pattaya Beach Condo, in Soi 4 in North Pattaya. Same soi as the Pattaya International Hospital, but on the opposite side and nearer Beach Road. Host Terry can usually find you a partner. Drinks and snacks are very reasonable and promptly served. Membership is 50 baht per afternoon.

Cautionary word
Police are again warning farang investors in Pattaya businesses that “working” is illegal without a work permit issued by the Labor Office. “Working” is widely defined in the kingdom and includes emptying ash trays, opening and closing the premises, going behind the bar or behaving as Mein Host in any obvious way. It’s not illegal to invest in the resort’s entertainment outlets, but your job is to stand aside and watch your money grow. Or disappear as the case may be. A company’s capital assets must normally pass the two million baht mark to qualify for a work permit backed by a twelve months’ visa.

Life’s a gamble
An unemployed Liverpool couple, living in a shabby council flat near the docks area, recently won a huge jackpot on Camelot, the British lottery. They were advised by officialdom not to change their ten year old van until they moved to a posher area because of the danger an expensive car would be stolen. So they began scouting for a five bedroom mansion in Wavertree dressed in jeans and T shirts and driving the decrepit van. They were promptly arrested by police following a phone call from worried residents who mistook them for burglars casing the area.

Pattaya revelation
An old Texas cowboy has finally found his new identity after his third visit to Pattaya. Dressed to kill in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans and spurs in a well down American hang out in the resort, he was sipping his whiskey when a woman asked him if he was a real Texas cowboy. “Guess so,” he replied, “I spent my whole life ranch herding cows, breaking horses and mending fences, and what are you honey?” The woman explained she was a lesbian. “I spent my whole life thinking about women. When I eat, shower or watch TV, everything reminds me of women.” A short while later, she left the bar and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked him if he was a real Texas cowboy. “Well,” he answered sadly, “I always kinda thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

Shop signs
Reader RB sends us his latest list of service outlet signs.

Front yard of a funeral home – Drive carefully, we’ll wait.

At the optician – If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

In a restaurant window – Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

In a beauty shop – Dye Now!

On a front door – Everyone’s a vegetarian here except the dog.

Sett menu
Currently on offer at a soi eight eating joint, “Welcome to you. Special today is English style badgers and mash.”

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Dining Out: Italian under the stars

by Miss Terry Diner

In a tropical country, what better way to eat dinner than under the stars. White linen tablecloths below waving palms, gently swaying frangipani and majestic fig trees, their air roots descending gracefully to the manicured grass beneath. Surely this is next to heaven?

After that almost poetic introduction, just where did the Dining Out Team go this week? “You ‘ave not been to ze Pizza and Pasta nights?” the General Manager of the Amari Orchid Resort, Pierre-Andre Pelletier, said incredulously, “zen you must come zis Friday!”

Cooked before your eyes - Pizza and Pasta Night at the Amari Orchid Resort.

The atmosphere really is superb, with the live entertainment from Bert and Belle gently playing in the background. The landscaped (tree-scaped?) gardens of the Amari Orchid are a picture during the day, but in the evenings, with the fairy lights in the trees, it certainly is a wonderland.

The Pizza and Pasta evenings are on Fridays, and are another of those all-inclusive deals that can be had around town. The Amari treat these nights as a buffet evening and so it was; with P-A leading we approached the tables.

We began with Antipasto, and what a choice! Imported ham to wrap around bread sticks grissini style, small pizzas, pizza bread, salami meats and other delicacies to whet the appetite. There is also a full salad bar with all the usual vegetables. For those who would like soup, there was even a very Italian minestrone simmering away gently. It was becoming obvious we were going to be dining in the grand Italian fashion.

The mains in the buffet style choices are extensive. In the special food warmers were lasagne, cannelloni, chicken piccata, fish meuniere and pork medallions, complete with a garnish of bacon.

But that is not where it ends. There was the pasta. Eight different varieties with various spirals, fettuccini, pene, spaghetti and macaroni. The pasta lovers delight. To your choice, you add all the ingredients you want, hand it all to the chefs on duty who prepare, toss, mix and cook before you. Your own special and individual pasta dish.

Madame, who is quite a cook herself, really enjoyed this part of the evening. Using a fettuccini basis she added garlic, pesto and other items to produce a very interesting pasta. For myself, I plumped for the hot-box mains and came away with a loaded plate with lasagne, chicken piccata and pork medallions.

Madame claimed her pasta was the best she had ever had - and since it was done to her own ad hoc recipe, how could she say anything else? For myself, I considered the lasagne to be one of the nicest I have tasted for many a long while. Very creamy and cheesy, and went well with the chicken. Of course I had also added some salad vegetables complete with an Italian dressing to complete the package.

Madame managed to attack the desserts table and polished off a chocolate mousse, but being well and truly “im lao” by then I declined and also turned down the offered coffee.

It had been a very enjoyable Pizza and Pasta evening and at the price of 295 Baht (plus service and VAT) does represent good value considering the quality and variety of imported small goods as well as the fun aspect of the food selection. With the venue being just so romantic and Italian food being one of the most popular cuisines in the world, you can be guaranteed of a great Friday night at the Amari Orchid.

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Animal Crackers: Ribbitt, Ribbitt!

by Mirin MacCarthy

Small green frogs are such cool little dudes. We had attractive little green tree frogs living in the frangipani trees at home. Great to watch while they seemed to sit there immobile but the minute you tried to catch one they took off in quantum leaps.

Frogs are actually a great bonus in the garden as they gobble hordes of flies, moths and mosquitoes and the bigger ones even eat crickets and mice and grasshoppers and tiny geckoes!

The problem comes the moment you decide to raise them. If you ever find someone who wants to “give away scores of tree-frog tadpoles for a donation,” hop away yourself. You see, after six to eight weeks of not too strenuous tadpole rearing it suddenly dawns that feeding the newly developed darlings is not going to be fun. Sure, fine for anyone who likes bugs, moths, flies, crickets, and grasshoppers and all ‘alive thank you very much’ - the standard fare for growing baby frogs. Try keeping up with that diet or worse, persuading a friend to look after them while you are away.

By the way, Houdini had nothing on frogs. You should see just how fast a terrarium full of the tiny escapologists can disappear inside your house. Let’s hope some of my doomed experimental nursery inhabitants actually made it to the trees outside.

There are many different varieties of frogs, from the alpine frogs of the mountain ranges, the desert dwellers, burrowing and water holding frogs, sandhill frogs, brooding frogs, rocket frogs, marbled frogs, tree frogs and wood frogs. Not all of them are pretty and small, and live in ponds or marshes, some of them become a fair eight inches of generally immobile size with a bigger appetite. Enough to make you wonder why you decided to keep a not very responsive feeding machine as a pet!

Though most frogs usually have moist skins, they are water dependant, with two protuberant eyes (all the better to see the flies with), and strong long webbed back feet adapted for leaping and swimming and being saut้ed in wine and garlic in French restaurants.

Frogs and Luck

Some cultures associate frogs with good fortune. In Japan, frogs are the symbols of Good Luck. One myth says that bullfrogs are descended from a great ancestor who could suck all the mosquitoes out of a whole room in a single breath!

Chinese custom still has statues of golden frogs with coins in their mouths as bringers of good fortune, as you may have seen in the odd Asian restaurant.

True or False?

No, there is no truth in the rumour that you can get warts from touching frogs or toads. You get warts from human viruses, not from frogs and toads! Some frogs and toads have parotid glands which secrete poisons as protection which can cause skin irritations and may be poisonous to some species of animals - but that’s all, no warts!

Did you know?

Fear of frogs is called Ranidaphobia, while Bufonophobia is fear of toads. A group of geese is called a Gaggle, groups of fish are called Schools, and cows are in Herds. Guess what they call a bunch of the greenies? An Army of Frogs and a Knot of Toads. Really, ribbit!

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Auto Mania: Lexus LS 400

by Dr. Iain Corness

The degree of sophistication that we can build into today’s motor vehicles is quite remarkable. Just as we can put planes on auto-pilot and they maintain themselves aloft and on target, we will shortly be able to hop into fully automated cars to take us safely to our pre-programmed destination. Believe me, this is not Jules Verne stuff. It is just around the corner and all the major players have boffins in the design department working on just that.

If ever there was a car coming close to that, and currently available, it is the Lexus LS 400. These top of the line Lexus are incredibly sophisticated cars and in many ways are vastly different from the run-of-the-mill motor cars you and I tend to be driving.

Lexus, for those who haven’t been following closely, is the “luxury” division of the automotive giant Toyota Motor Corp. For some reason, known only to them, the boardroom decided to call these vehicles by another name and keep them slightly apart from the everyday Camry’s and Corolla’s. Even the dealerships are kept apart, often on the same plot of ground, but discreetly separate from the poorer Toyota cousins.

I have done a motor test on an LS 400, but even picking the vehicle up was a totally different performance. The norm for motor manufacturers is for the PR department to leave a car and a key with the security guard and the motor noter goes from there. If there is some special feature to be highlighted then the PR boss generally has a minion left to show it to you and that is it. Like it or lump it. Not so with Lexus.

When the arrangements were made for me to test the LS 400 the PR person insisted that I put one hour aside so that the Lexus representative could show me all the features of the vehicle. To me, at the time, this seemed a little excessive, but what the hell, when you’re being given thousands of dollars worth of somebody else’s motor car, you go along with it.

I must admit that it did take the hour to go through the list of impressive features in this vehicle. For example, it all takes time to programme the steering wheel position to the driver’s liking, the seat belt shoulder position, the seat fore and aft plus rake. All these settings are then imprinted into the LS 400 memory and it automatically resets everything for that driver at the touch of a button. Other niceties include its ability to automatically turn the radio volume down when the on-board mobile phone rings. Integrated technology working for you.

The engine is technologically advanced too: a quad cam, all alloy, 32 valve, 4 litre V8 that develops 290 BHP and 300 ft/lb of torque. It is certainly enough to propel the 1768 kg of large Lexus from 0 - 100 kays in a shade over 6 seconds. This is through a 5 speed slush box as well. Make no mistake about it, the LS 400 is no slouch.

Despite its apparent bulk and slab fronted appearance the shape is also very slippery with a drag co-efficient of 0.28. The bodywork in a Lexus is also interesting and technologically sophisticated - a sandwich of metal and rubberised composite that is probably the panel beaters nightmare.

Driving a Lexus LS 400 is eerie. There is no noise from the engine or transmission. There is no road noise. There is no wind noise. It’s like being in an anechoic chamber. They are also incredibly quick motor cars and you have no idea what speed you are doing till you look at the speedometer and find you are probably exceeding the local speed limit by a factor of two.

You don’t drive a Lexus to your destination. It takes you there! Lexus certainly puts a new meaning into advanced luxury cars, but personally, while I marvel at their technology I am too much of a sporting motorist to want to own one. While I still can, I like to think I’m in charge and not it!

As I said at the beginning, the “self drive” car is almost here, and what bets that it has an “L” on the front.

Autotrivia Quiz

Last week we were still on an R-R kick and the question was why Eleanor Velasco Thornton had her fingers to her lips when she modelled for the forerunner to the Spirit of Ecstasy radiator mascot, called The Whisper, that was on Lord Montagu’s R-R. The reason, gentle reader, was that Eleanor and the fine Lord were reputed to be having an affair d’amour as they would say on the other side of the channel. It was all to no avail, however, as poor old Eleanor went down with her ship on the way to India. As I said last week, this is the stuff they make movies out of. Can’t you see it now? “The Rolls-Royce Affair” starring Tom Cruise as Lord M and Nicole Kidman as Eleanor! It’s got everything that “Titanic” had and more!

Actually, it is nice to see the controversies the Autotrivia Quiz has provoked and the amount of surreptitious study now being done on the ‘net in an attempt to discredit your hard working scribe here. For example, my old mate Phillip MacDonald hotly (and rashly) championed his drinking companion in the statement that the Hon. C.S. Rolls died in a commercial plane crash. In 1910? Come on chaps, the Hon. C.S. Rolls died while piloting his Wright biplane at the Bournemouth Aviation Week on the 12th of July of that year. Hardly a commercial flight, I think.

So for Phillip, the little Aussie bleeder, and all the lads at the KR Bar at Jomtien, here we go for this week. There is a Daimler model called the “Double-Six” that sports a V12 engine. When did the company first release this car? Now tread warily here, boys. This is not as easy at it sounds. As a clue, it was in October - but what year? First correct entry gets the FREE beer! Fax to 427 596 or email [email protected].

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Fitness Tips: Super Foods

by David Garred, 
Club Manager, 
Dusit Resort Sports Club

G’day Pattaya.

It’s dinner time. For entr้e there’s split pea soup laced with St John’s Wort to boost your mood. The main course consists of tasty tofu stir-fry made from soy protein concentrate to lower blood cholesterol. Vegetables include carrots genetically supercharged with beta-carotene to reduce cancer risk. You wash this down with calcium-fortified orange juice to ward off osteoporosis and a tub of fermented yoghurt.

The menu at a sci-fi restaurant in the forthcoming Star Wars Episode 2?

No, it’s the taste of the next millennium’s fare of super-foods, some of which are already here.

In the food industry, super-foods are called functional foods. They are the foods that provide a health benefit beyond the simple provision of nutrients or energy, and usually target a specific disease or condition.

As our population becomes increasingly concerned about optimising health and longevity, manufacturers are pushing to market food products that claim to have health benefits.

What’s really on the shelf?

Once bread was only made of flour, yeast and water, but today, it can contain any number of extra ingredients, ranging from iron and Hi-Maize, to phytoestrogens, fish oils and folate. The number of staple foods that have become super-foods is on the increase. Take a look at the following super-foods that can now fill your shopping trolley:

* Tomato sauce and tomato paste rich in the anti-oxidant, lycopene, which may reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

* Breakfast cereals fortified with the vitamin folate, to prevent birth defects.

* Bread with the resistant starch, Hi-Maize, which acts like an invisible fibre to reduce the likelihood of bowel cancer.

* Cereals, bread, biscuits, you name it, with phytoestrogens from soy to help cool down the hot flushes experienced by postmenopausal women.

* Yoghurts and drinks patented with strains of probiotic bacteria to supplement the bowels own production of beneficial microbes.

* Eggs, margarine and cooking oils produced to contain omega-3 fatty acids to help thin the blood and reduce the chances of heart attack.

(Yes, some of these things are available on the supermarket shelves here. When you next go shopping read the packet. Also, think about switching from that same old brand for the sake of your body, you may even like the taste.)

What’s on the way?

In the future every other food in the supermarket could have functional properties. Here’s a peek at some peculiar substances that could soon make it onto our supermarket shelves:

* Olibra: a patented emulsion of palm oil, oat oil and water added to Maval yoghurt to suppress appetite and assist with weight loss.

* Echinacea in Cold Guard orange drink to prevent winter sniffles, and St. John’s wort in soups to bounce you back from a bad mood.

* Phosphatidyl serine (PS): fat like substance extracted from soybeans to help you remember what you have forgotten. In the U.S. you can find PS in a brand of gum called Brain Gum.

* Stanol esters: Extracted from pine tree pulp and soybeans, and put into the margarine brands Benecol and Take Control, to reduce blood cholesterol.

Supermarket or Pharmacy?

The topic of super-foods has sparked much debate because it has blurred the distinction between food and medicine. Critics of super-foods argue that there have not been enough clinical trials into their use, while others support super-foods arguing that they present an invaluable opportunity to improve the health of the population.

With the exception of a trial claim for folate, Australian regulations prohibit food manufacturers from mentioning any disease, or giving medical advise on a food label, or in food advertisements. Public health and consumer groups are concerned that if health claims are permitted, they may be motivated more by the marketing objectives of the food manufacturers rather than concern for the health of the population.

Until the issue is more fully resolved, the U.S. centre for Science in the Public Interest suggests that before we consider buying a super-food, we should ask ourselves the following questions about the food and its claims:

1. Does it work? For example, the advertising claims for echinacena can suggest that you should take it all year round to prevent colds. However, the scientific evidence shows that echinacena is probably only useful for shortening the duration, or reducing the symptoms, of a cold once you already have one.

2. How much does it contain? For example when CHOICE magazine compared the labels of soy and linseed bread, they found that only a few packets revealed how many phytoestrogens they contained. Some breads may not provide enough to have an effect.

3. Is it safe? There’s little information about the interaction between functional foods and prescription drugs. Herbs have been used for hundreds of years, but most new genetically engineered ingredients have no history of safe use by humans. Until we have more answers, it pays to tread carefully and make informed decisions about your purchases.

4. Is it healthy? Fortifying a chocolate bar with extra vitamins, minerals or herbs won’t make it a healthy food. Don’t be taken in by impressive looking claims that serve to cover up the poor nutritional value of food.

Carpe’ Diem

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