Pattaya Mail — Columns

HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
 
Winebibbers Grapevine
 
Heart to Heart with Hillary (Advice column)
 
Thai Idiom: Jaew

Winebibber’s Grapevine  

Drugs Bunny
A Chonburi rabbit has died because it was too stoned to avoid an enraged dog. The bunny, called Bonkers, was accidentally fed a diet of illegal cannabis leaves by the stupid owner. After a recent conviction for possession of drugs, the owner said, "Bonkers was a lovely creature very like Dylan on the Magic Roundabout. He ate the cannabis like grass but fell victim to the bull terrier next door as he was staggering round the garden."

Gone to the wall
Would be burglars in Chiang Mai this week blew a hole in the wall of what they thought was a supermarket office containing a large safe. Instead, they found themselves facing dozens of police officers who were eating dinner in the station canteen. Evening all.

From Broadway to Beatles
Gutzman Production USA is again visiting Pattaya to perform a new, fast-paced musical and comedy show with over 50 hit songs from popular music over the past fifty years. The stylish spectacular, including a five course dinner at Café Royale in Pattayaland Soi Three, costs 600 baht on most evenings. Their schedule stretches from November 13 to November 22, but contact Café Royale for the fine print.

Charity sale of fine paintings
Pattaya’s Siam Bayshore Hotel and the Akko Collector’s House have joined hands for a charity sale of fine paintings. The aim is to help fund wheelchairs and sports equipment for handicapped students at the Pattaya Redemptorist School for the Disabled. There will be original works of art from Akko’s unique Bangkok collection including oils, watercolors, woodcuts and pen sketches. Note for your diary: the sale will run at the Siam Bayshore Hotel, December 3 thru 7, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. daily.

Amazing USA
Amazing Thailand has not remotely caught up with Amazing Wisconsin where a wife has been sentenced to a hundred hours of community service. Margaret Smith, 38, made her husband Leroy live in the basement of their house for three years. She only allowed him upstairs once every six months to perform miscellaneous marital duties. Leroy’s confinement plight came to light only after an electricity meter reader insisted on checking the wiring. The accused woman said in court, "I know it all sounds a bit cruel, but I never realized what a bore he is until I married him."

 Thanglais
The subtlety of the English language knows no bounds. Overheard in Hot and Cold go go club. Farang: "May I see you pretty soon?" She: "Don’t you think I’m pretty now then?"

Politically correct
And here are some commonly heard expressions in Pattaya with their 1997 updated and proper translations. Drunk (accidentally overserved), Frigid (thermally incompatible), Too Thin (skeletally prominent), Dance (pre coital rhythmic experience), Bad Cook (microwave compatible), Easy (horizontally accessible).

Women drivers
35 year old Amy Dalton from Los Angeles has been arrested at a Chiang Mai garage after a mechanic reported to the police that several packages of marijuana were packed into the engine compartment of the rental car she had brought in for an oil change. Dalton told police later that she did not realize the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

TV treats in store
American serial delights coming your way if you have the right satellite: Bungle Abbey (the wacky adventures of a bunch of fun loving monks). Mixed Nuts (comic adventures of nurses and inmates at a lunatic asylum). My Mother The Car (man buys a car only to discover it’s a reincarnation of his dead mother). The Ugliest Girl in Town (47 year old khatoey hits The Big Apple and becomes a top model). Struck By Lightning (Doctor Frankenstein and Ygor open a motel in Texas).

Keep off the roads
Unlucky Russian tourist Olga Yousoppoff has had an amazing escape in Pattaya after borrowing her husband’s new Mercedes. Within thirty minutes, she had mistaken the accelerator for the clutch, mounted the pavement in a pedestrian only precinct and inflated the air bag whilst struggling home with two flat tyres. Mrs. Yousoppoff was the safety officer for Omsk Airways before being made redundant in August this year. She is also credited with having invented bonus miles in the frequent flyer program of Ukraine Airbus Limited which collapsed in 1995 after she appeared on Russian TV in an advertising campaign under the logo C C or Confidence Counts.
Back to Columns Headline Index 

 

Dear Hillary,
Referring to your ‘sexual harassed’ article in the latest Pattaya Mail "Dear Hillary" section, I would be very grateful if you could send me some details of the places where I can find ‘Farang’ ladies with whom I could lead ‘more’ interesting discussions with.
I want to enjoy my vacation without necessarily being called upon with the usual ‘hello, come here, I love u’ thing, coming from the local girls seeking extracurricular activities from ‘Farang’ men.
I really appreciate the availability of the Internet version of Pattaya Mail, so I can keep up with things that are going on over there.
Hope to receive your response soon,

Taking It Easy.

Dear Taking It Easy,
Thank you for your response of the "sexual harassed’ letter.
To answer your question, ‘where to find nice ‘Farang’ ladies to have an interesting discussion with’, and most probably only as such - I can recommend a few places: "Fun Pub" at the Mercure Hotel off Sukhumvit Road, "Green Bottle" on Second Road, "Hopf Brew House" on Beach Road, "Moon River Pub" at the Thai Garden Resort on North Pattaya Road, "Desperado" on Second Road, "Dinner Dance" at the Royal Cliff Hotel every Saturday, the soon to be opened "Henry J. Bean’s" at the Amari Orchid and for sure in any lobby bar of good hotels, just to name a few.
There are many ‘Farang’ women living in and around Pattaya, a few are single, but most of them are happily married, joining their husbands abroad, which doesn’t necessarily stop you from having a nice and intelligent conversation with them. I am pretty sure they won’t be seeking extracurricular activities from you and definitely are not calling upon you with the usual greeting.
I hope you are going to enjoy your next vacation in Pattaya in a very different and mentally enjoyable way.

Dear Hillary,
Referring to the letter how to keep plants healthy and green, I’d like to give the "plant lover", who asked this question, some advice: Nothing is easier than treating plants the right way. Plants are like men - if you handle them with too much care, they’ll ignore you. If you don’t give a sh.., they’ll love you. As I did with my roses last summer. When they seemed to have no more blossoms, I threatened them with the garbage-container and just a few days later they were more pretty than ever before... Dear "plant lover", try it out for yourself: This method helps you in every case!
Hillary, I hope to find a lot more of your amusing columns in the future and best greetings from Munich/Germany.

Nico

Dear Nico,
Thank you very much for your nice letter and your kind advice how to treat plants the same way as men. I believe a lot of our female readers will take your advice, I am just afraid that the garbage containers might be over-filled with useless plants, husbands and boyfriends. That again could lead to the question: How to exonerate the environment from being polluted.

Dear Readers,
If there’s something you would like to know or need advice about, and find it difficult to talk to your family or your friends, you might find it much easier to open up to a total stranger. Hillary is here to help. Please don’t hesitate to write letters to me and tell me about your problems. Your letters will be handled with the utmost respect and confidence and will be answered, no matter if you sign your name or use a pseudonym.

Yours truly,
Hillary

Back to Columns Headline Index 

  Thai Idiom: Jaew

‘To be clear.’

‘Is it a question?’
‘Well, it certainly couldn’t be an answer, with a question mark?’
‘You never know in this country.’
‘True.’
The question mark indicates a rising tone. In the Thai language jaew is often used after the word chat, to intensify the feeling.

Therefore, chat-jaew means very clear.
These intensifiers are called Uthan-Serm-Bod.
Some of these become idioms when separated from the words they intensify.
If jaew is used alone, it means ‘fantastic’ or ‘cool’ in vernacular speech.
‘How was the concert?’
‘Jaew?.’ (‘Cool.’ ‘Fantastic’.)
Formerly, this word could be pronounced on either a rising or a falling tone, but the latter is seldom used now.
Confusing enough?

Back to Columns Headline Index 

Copyright © 1997 Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, Chonburi 20260, Thailand 
Tel.66-38 411 240-1, 413 240-1, Fax:66-38 427 596; e-mail: [email protected]
Created by Andy Gombaez