Pattaya Mail — Columns

HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
 
Winebibbers Grapevine
 
Dolf Riks:  Spices and their impact on history
 
Heart to Heart with Hillary (Advice column)
 
Thai Idiom: Toom-Sam Khok

Winebibber’s Grapevine  

Crime does pay after all
A Jomtien Nivate farang couple returned home late this week to discover the front door forced and their possessions scattered round the house. Turning on the lights in the kitchen, they discovered the would-be burglar apparently fast asleep on the floor and surrounded by his ill gotten gains. The police were called and tried unsuccessfully to rouse him. An arriving paramedic team then realized that the thief had slipped on a streak of grease on the floor, the result of a dropped pizza earlier that evening, and concussed himself as he hit the marble tiles. The couple were charged 2000 baht for removal services to a government hospital.

Birds of a feather
A reorganization is planned at China’s Hangzhou Wildlife Preservation Park which specializes in running breeding programs for endangered species. An attempt to boost the numbers of the rare Mongolian hook beaked falcon and the even rarer Greater Khingan yellow pigeon has collapsed in failure after the falcons organized a mass swoop and ate all the pigeons.

The facts on fax
It is reasonable for local bureaux to charge 10 baht per fax page to a Pattaya destination and 20 baht to Bangkok. But you need to check the price structure of the one you choose. An agency in the so called business district, around Soi Post Office, is charging a minimum of 25 baht for a local fax page and 50 baht to send to Bangkok. When the farang complained, she was informed variously that telephone costs have doubled, that the machine "is slow today" and that mornings are more expensive than afternoons. The best answer to rip-off merchants is a boycott.

Inflation check
Farangs around town are rejoicing that the July 2 flotation of the baht has not resulted in the local price hikes they expected. Don’t speak too soon. The price of petrol, which is rising at only a few satang a week, is still being artificially held down by the authorities. Stocks of pre-devaluation foreign booze have not yet run out. Sooner or later, probably by December, that 40% fall in the value of the baht must fully work through into the price of foreign goods.

Better than Jakarta
Lovers of rich curries, Indonesian style, simply must try the lamb variety at Dolf Rik’s restaurant out on the Naklua Road. Connoisseurs say it has no equal in the region, let alone in Pattaya. Alternatively, order the secret recipe Indonesian Rijsttafel which is simply the tops. To find the restaurant, drive along Naklua road from Pattaya and look for the first Caltex gas station on the right. Dolf Rik’s is on the left about 400 meters further on. An unusual landmark is a motor bike perched half way up a shop house wall next door.

Mine’s a large Heineken
Don’t be caught out by the latest humor scams, doing the rounds in Pattaya bars, which will cost you a beer if you fail to give the right answer. "Why can’t a man living in Birmingham be buried in Brighton?" (Answer, because he’s not dead yet). "How many female animals did Moses take onto the Ark?" (Answer, none because Noah took them). "How is it possible for two men to play five games of chess and for each to win an even number of times without a tie?" (Answer, because they weren’t playing against each other). Don’t say you weren’t warned.

It’s that street again
UK expats, not currently on the wagon, should make it a point to call in at the Rovers’ Return hostelry on the Second Road near Soi 8. A very pleasant layout, reasonable prices, budget accommodation and everyone’s favorite M and M pies usually available. The bar staff have little in common with Annie Walker or Bet Lynch, but you can’t have everything. Customers with an interest in bar quiz leagues will be made extraordinarily welcome. Hosted by Mick.

Experiences is the best tutor
A lovelorn farang, who believed that prostitutes become saints if removed from the nightclub environment, has just lost his final two million baht in an attempt to create traffic jams in a small village near Chiang Rai. He bought a new car for his ex go go wife and several motorbikes for her various relatives. Disillusioned, he has now had a business card printed which says, "An addlepated individual and his specie divaricate with prematurity," which translates, "A fool and his money are soon parted." Amen to that.

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Dolf Riks:  Spices and their impact on history

Food is most likely the most important factor in the shaping of the history of human kind. It always has been a reason for migrations and upheavals. Once a shortage of salt was the reason that a whole nation packed up and moved to a place where it was in ample supply and the notorious nineteenth century potato famine was the main reason for the mass exodus of the Irish to the US. Yet it was the craving for spices and its resulting greed which effected history so profoundly that the world would have been a very different place if it had not been for these aromatic seeds.

Tropical Asian spices were known in the Mediterranean countries for as long as 4000 years ago, if not longer. They were brought to Greece and Rome via the Red Sea and Egypt. Alexandria, on the estuary of the river Nile, became an important transit market and it maintained to be so until the late Middle Ages. Because of the arduous and dangerous route from the Far East, rife with perils, bandits and numerous middlemen, the merchandise became very expensive and when they hit the markets of Rome their price was exorbitant. At one stage, pepper on the tables of Rome was even more expensive than gold.

The Romans became tired of this situation. They rebelled, and in the early years of the Christian era they built ships in the northern tip of the Red Sea in order to fetch the goods themselves. After some failures, they managed to take nautical advantage of the East and the West Monsoon for their crossings to the West Coast of South India and prices in Rome dropped considerably.

When the Empire declined and disintegrated, the city of Rome lost its importance as a spice depot. In the beginning of the tenth century A.D., besides Alexandria, Venice established itself as the transit port for the spice trade to North Western Europe. As far as lucrative trading was concerned, the situation was back to normal and spices became again an extreme luxury and only present on the tables of the very rich.

At the end of the Middle Ages people vaguely knew that the origin of their beloved spices was somewhere beyond Africa, in the mythical lands of the East. The Portuguese, inspired by the studies, theories and religious zeal of Henry the Navigator (Don Henrique), sailed further and further down the west coast of Africa, until in 1487 Bartholomeus Diaz rounded the Cabo de la Boa Esperanza, or Cape of Good Hope. Very much against his own wish however - the crew became restless and dissatisfied, fearing the unknown - Diaz was forced to return to Lisbon where the King received him with great enthusiasm.

It took another ten years before the next Portuguese expedition under the command of Vasco Da Gama rounded the cape once more. To the great annoyance of the Arab tradesmen he managed to reach Mozambique, where he acquired the aid of pilots, and on May 20, 1498, six years after Columbus landed in the New World, he dropped anchor on the roads of Calicut, on the South West Coast of India. This first voyage was the first of numerous expeditions and the Portuguese interest and influence in India was strengthened and enlarged. In 1503, Francisco d’ Almeida became the first viceroy of India. After his death, the intrepid Afonso d’ Albuquerque became his successor and conquered Goa in 1510. In 1511 he sailed further East and seized the spice centre of Malacca on the West Coast of the Malay Peninsula in the same year.

Once Malacca was in Portuguese hands, they turned it into a fortress and managed to stay in power for 130 years until the Dutch took over in the seventeenth century. From Malacca, the energetic Albuquerque cast his eyes on the Moluccas and sent his ships to explore the long coveted, mysterious and fabulous Spice Islands, the home of the clove, and the nutmeg (pepper came from southern India, Sumatra and the Malay peninsula). Once in the Moluccas, they conquered and reigned with an iron hand. The main policy of the enterprise was to establish a monopoly on the trade of the spices and so drive up their prices in the European markets even more. They never really succeeded in that endeavour, but trying to enforce it, followed by similar efforts by the Dutch in later years, the beautiful islands became the scene of greed, massacre, torture, terror and despair until the monopoly was broken in the eighteenth century. The Portuguese left a religious and linguistic legacy in the islands, which is still evident until these days.

After the initial success of the Portuguese as colonisers, there were few great and strong personalities among them to maintain their prominence in Asia and corruption as well as complacency weakened the enterprise. Other European countries, among them the Dutch, had watched these developments and at the end of the sixteenth century the Dutch decided to get a piece of the cake, if not the whole pastry, for themselves. With the aid of a countryman named Van Linschoten, who had sailed with the Portuguese to the Indies and stayed there for over six years, they were going to make this a fact. Jan Huygen van Linschoten revealed not only the strength of the Portuguese but also the corruption and general degeneration of the Lusitanians. It was apparent that Portugal had overestimated its power in administrating their extensive territories in the East as well as in the West.

In 1596, four Dutch ships under the inept command of Cornelis Houtman departed for a historical voyage to the riches of the East. It was a totally private enterprise, initiated and financed by seven wealthy merchants in Holland called the "Compagnie van Verre" or "the Company of the Far Lands". It took the expedition more than a year to reach the roads of Bantam, an important port on the North Coast of West Java, near the entrance of the Straits of Sundah between Java and Sumatra.

On arrival, the sailors were debilitated by exhaustion and deprivations, as well as decimated by the scurvy, the scourge and terror of those early ocean voyages. In the international market place of the Bantam, the Dutch met their adversaries the Portuguese and there was no love lost between the two groups of Europeans. The relationship with the local people was at first cordial and much of the cargo the Dutch had brought from Europe was sold. Houtman, however, with his lack of diplomacy and tolerance, stupidly spoiled it by threatening the rulers with the total destruction of the town and the Kraton (palace), if they would not honour their bills at once. The result was that the regent had Houtman and twelve of his men thrown into the dungeons.

After they retreated to their ships, the men tried to intimidate the natives by shooting at them, hoping for the release of Houtman and the others, but the regent declared that he would kill them all if they would not immediately stop their hostilities. Anchors were heaved and the ships sailed to Sumatra to load fresh water and victuals and when they returned to Bantam some time later they managed to realise the freedom of the prisoners against a payment of 2000 "Rijksdaalders".

The ships departed with less cargo than when they arrived and after an equally badly run voyage along the north coast of Java and a murderous skirmish with the fierce Madurese off the island of the same name, they visited Bali where they were received with great cordiality. Two of the sailors were so charmed by the island - and its women I suppose - that they deserted.

After a long, difficult and exhausting voyage the three remaining ships (one had to be abandoned because of un-seaworthiness) dropped anchor on the road of Texel, a small island at the north point of Holland. Only a third of the original crew had survived the adventure. Although no profit could be accounted for, the welcome in Holland was grandiose. The next year a total of 22 ships left for the Indies, they were much better equipped and managed. The Portuguese had, meanwhile, fallen into disgrace because of their impossible behaviour and the Hollanders returned to their country loaded with treasure.

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Dear Hillary,
Help! I am flea infested. I believe I’ve got it from my dog, who runs around outside the garden sometimes and probably is catching all those nice "house pets" from stray dogs. I have already taken care of my dog in every possible way, but cannot completely get rid of these pests on my own body. I’ve asked a doctor, he simply laughed at me and told me that usually dog-fleas can’t be caught by human beings and if they are, there would be nothing I can do about it except take a shower as often as possible. It’s a good tip but I do that anyway and I believe this doctor never had fleas himself. Reading and enjoying your column all the time, I hope you’ll have an answer for me, too.

Flea-Queen

Dear Flea-Queen,

Reading your letter, I couldn’t help it but smile also. It’s always the same, as long as one hasn’t got it themselves, it’s a laughing matter. At the same time, I have to admit I already had this problem once myself. There’s really not much you can do about it. My mother used to wash our dogs with paraffin-oil, but I warn you, it drives them crazy. She never used it on me, though. Try to take a bath and soak for at least half an hour. Let the water cover all your body and head, only your nose should be in the air. Believe me, all the fleas will be drowned and by doing so several times, you’ll get rid of them.

Dear Hillary,
My husband retired recently from his work and is enjoying his well-deserved life as a pensioner. Our children are all grown up with their own families and we decided not to go back to our home country, but stay on in Thailand. I have made a lot of friends here and we meet at least three times, always in different homes. Of course, I also have my turns to invite my friends over. My husband, who now stays home all day, doesn’t like it at all, even though our house is big enough to escape from my friends if he doesn’t want to meet them. Instead he joins us, but moans and groans non-stop, giving us all a hard time and acting rude and impolite. I feel very embarrassed since all my friends treat me - and him - very nice when we are in their houses. Right now, I am feeling sick, thinking that I will have to go through this from now on for the rest of my life. Do I really have to tolerate and accept his behaviour?

Wife of a Pensioner,

Dear Wife of a Pensioner,
You should not accept his behaviour, under any circumstances. Many women of your generation never learned that they have the same rights as their husbands. Still, it might not be too late. Discuss the problem with him and explain to him why your friends are so important for you: because your friends kept you company while he was busy working. Insist on staying friends with them, pensioner or not. Ask him to join you whenever he feels like it, but act well-behaved or, if he doesn’t feel like it, stay away and entertain himself in a different room. Don’t be afraid of him if his reaction is not to your liking. Invite your friends as usual, be polite and ignore his bad moods and bad behaviour as much as possible (also ask your friends to do so). In the end, he’ll realise he cannot do anything about it and will end this silly trial of strength.

Dear Readers,

I would like to encourage you once again to write letters to me and tell me about your problems. There’s always something you’d like to know or need advice about. Sometimes it is hard to talk to your spouse, your family or your friends about it, but much easier to open up to a total stranger. Your letters will be handled with the utmost respect and confidence and will be answered, no matter if you sign with your full name and address or only with a pseudonym.

Yours truly,

Hillary

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  Thai Idiom: Toom-Sam Khok

‘A "Three-Forest" Khlong Jar’

‘Whaaat?’

‘This better be good.’

This is a rather old idiom and not many Thais of the younger generation use it. It describes anyone who is very fat. The tubbiest khlong jars in Thailand are made in a central area village called Sam Khok (Three Forests).
It is used to describe anyone who is
very, very rotund.

It is not advisable to use this with any woman, even in fun.

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