Some chocolate to enjoy!

Big D USA

Dear Big D,

I came back from a trip to Bangkok and there was the envelope with the chocolates from you. Thank you so much, my Petal. You always renew my faith in human nature (you would have no idea just how many times I get let down)! Thank you, thank you!

Dear Hillary,

The local noodle shop has got a gorgeous young girl doing the deliveries. They’ve only been going two weeks but I’ve already become friendly with them. Mom does the cooking and daughter does the running around. I am getting on really well and would like to take the next step with the girl, but how do I do this, Hillary? She has a little English and I have a little Thai, so it’s not too bad. Where do I begin? Do I talk to the Mom first or what? I am pretty serious about this, so don’t throw me in the waste bin. You always say we should look at girls away from the beer bars, so you should be pleased with what I’m trying to do.

Denver

Dear Denver,

What makes you think your ‘kwiteo’ girl is as interested as you are? Sure she’s not just being polite and getting you for business for her mother’s noodle shop? This is all far too fast, my Petal. How old are you? I would guess at much older than the noodle girl. Perhaps you should be looking at her mother instead? At least you will always get fed, though noodles three times a day might get you down in the end. Hope you handle chopsticks OK.

Dear Hillary,

I think you should collect all your writings into a book. I reckon it would have to be a great hit. I have work mates overseas who read you every week, just for the laugh at the idiots who write in. I’ll buy the first copy if you’ll autograph it.

Regular Reader

Dear Reg the Reader,

It is always nice to know that the readers enjoy the column, especially people like Big D from the USA who sends chocolates with his letters. (Thanks again Big D!) and hint, hint, Reg. At the editorial office we actually have discussed putting some of the best letters together, but it is a lot of work, Reg my Petal. Maybe it will be something for me to do when I retire, because I haven’t got the time at present. You have no idea how long it takes me to climb up the stairs (I wish the editor would install a lift). I’ll let you know if we do it and I’ll autograph that first copy just for you. Of course the first copy will be more expensive than the others, so in true fashion for these parts, there will be around 1,000 first copies, just like the third 50 percent share of many bars that is sold so often! By the way, I would rather your friends laugh at my answers, rather than at the readers!

Dear Hillary,

Can you help please? I know this might sound strange, but do all Thai people ask you the most personal questions? These are personal questions that I find quite embarrassing. Things like “How much money you make? You married yet? Why not? You got girlfriend? You want me to go with you (or even more explicit)?” Apart from the fact that this is considered a very rude way of starting a relationship in the UK, I also find it very embarrassing when I am over here. How do I get these people to stop doing this? You seem to have the answers for everyone else, so I hope you have some for me too.

Shy and Retiring

Dear Shy and Retiring,

Or is that Shy and Retired? You have to look at where are these women who ask such direct questions. My bet is in a bar somewhere. They are not in the habit of issuing a gilt edged invitation to dinner, hand inscribed in Ye Olde English. Be real and be thankful that ‘these people’ as you call them are interested enough in you to even ask questions. There’s only one thing worse than being a wall-flower at parties, and that’s not being asked at all. In actual fact, my turtledove, those inquiries are very cleverly designed “standard” bar girl questions to see if you are worthwhile bothering with at all. If you have no money all interest will be lost immediately. Likewise if you are married they will want to know if “You marry Thai?” or whether your partner is waiting faithfully for you back home in the UK, while you contemplate the unfaithful ideas while on a fact-finding junket to the Orient. Lighten up and when you are asked next time just say, “No money. Wife take all money to boy bar,” and then laugh a lot. They’ll get the message and you will be left happily lonely, then you can write me letters asking why does nobody talk to you!