Heart to Heart: Jerry’s “dicktionary”


Jerry’s “dicktionary”
A note to you Hillary:
In Thailand, just like other countries, words translated to English from Thai or another outstanding example – Arabic, are mostly phonetic. Don’t you read the signs in this city? Every other one has a spelling error but gets the point across. I don’t see ‘katoyey’ in the dicktionary. You must be a little dense not to KNOW that ‘pubic’ was on purpose. I will mail you photos of the large banner advert across S. Pattaya Rd where Pattaya was spelled ‘Pattata’ by the Rotary Club, Central Pattaya and TAT. The sign also said that the bed race event was “organdied” by the Rotary Club.

Dear Jerry,
Where would I be without you to assist both myself and the City Fathers with your own particular brand of spelling? Actually, I don’t think you should change one little bit – you fit perfectly. You must have drunk so much Singha that you are eligible for a Thai visa, and you’ve definitely got the spelling to go with it! See you on Pattata Beech some afternoon. I’ll recognize you by the bottle.

More spellings
Dear Hillary,
Actually, the correct spelling for the trans gendered person is kathoey. So, both of you are wrong. When the word is spoken in conversation, people know what you are talking about. You say Patty ya, I say Pat i ya. Same=same.
G.S., Florida

Dear G.S., Florida,
As the T-shirt says, “Same, Same – But Different.” Thank you for the erudite explanation, but I am not sure if Jerry is ready for it. Or ready to read it? Transliterations are always open for debate, but if you want to really read something different, use one of the electronic translating programs to go from Thai into English.

English emails
Dear Hillary,
One of my workmates and I came to Thailand for two weeks over Xmas last year before the pandemic hit. We did what two young blokes do and enjoyed ourselves with the ladies. Unfortunately my mate fell for a girl from the second bar we drank at. She could hardly speak any English at all, but now my mate has received an email from her saying that her mother is ill and she writes, “Darling! Will it be alright if I ask you for more money? I am reluctant to tell you about this, but you are very generous and gentle, I have no one to help at this time.”

That just doesn’t seem to be from the same girl whose English was limited to “I lub you, Darling.” Or “One more beer?” Do they have writers in the bars or has she managed to learn English? I am trying to show my mate that he is being taken for a ride. He gave her heaps of money in the two weeks, and now she wants more. Tell him he is being a sucker, Hillary.

Dear George,
Yes, this was not written by her, and yes, they do have writers who will send the email, and do it for a slice of the money that comes in from the begging letter. Get hold of a book called The Scribe, where this is described. There is also a book called Handbook of English Love Letters, 20 years old now, but most bars have a dog-eared copy somewhere, and I think you will find that the letter your friend received comes exactly from there. Your friend should grow up, George and see the difference between infatuation and true love. Yes, he is being taken for a ride, but whether you can convince him of this is another matter altogether.

Brewers Droop?
Dear Hillary,
As I am now in my early 50’s it is becoming noticeable that my tummy is getting that little bit larger. My wife even says it is very noticeable. I have tried dieting but that just makes me hungry. Is it worthwhile going to one of the gymnasiums round town, or do I have to give up drinking as my wife suggests? I only have six to eight pints at night which I do not consider excessive as I used to drink even more than that.

Dear Kenny,
Or is that “Kilkenny”? Looking carefully at your letter, since I can’t look carefully at you (and perhaps don’t want to!), I do think I might just perceive a very slight chance that you are just the teensiest bit worried that someone might go through with cutting off the pipeline to the brewery. Hillary would never do that to you, Kenny, my old drinking mate! You must remember me. I’m the two people at the other end of the bar every night! Come on, Kenny! 8 pints! Is that all? I don’t believe you.

OK, Kenny, I’ll pretend you really want to do something and here’s the answer. Cut the pints in quarters (so that’s two a night), join a gym (the Fitness Centers are better at fat burning than the musclemen types of places), cut out sugar, drink more water (the kind that is without the sugar, yeast and hops and doesn’t come in green or brown bottles) and walk everywhere in town rather than driving, riding or catching taxis.