I am devastated. Valentine’s Day has been and gone and I didn’t get one from anyone. Being a handsome man, I was sure that the postman would be weighed down with cards and suchlike, but he either missed my mailbox, or dropped my mail off in the klong because it must have been too heavy. How was your Valentine’s Day, Hillary? I hope it was better than mine. I feel that nobody loves me, and I don’t know why!
Dear Gorgeous George,
What a blow to the ego February 14 must have been for you! Not left waiting at the altar, but left waiting at the letterbox. What a fate. Oh my goodness! However, Hillary has the answer for you, my handsome Petal. Next year send some cards to yourself and you can noisily take them out after the postman has been, so everyone in the street knows you got some. The only other way to go about filling the letterbox is to stop being such a smug, self-opinionated bore, and people will start to like you, and some may even send you a real Valentine’s Day card. How was my day? Absolutely wonderful, stack of cards and flowers, though it was somewhat strange – most of the cards were addressed to “George”. Where exactly do you live? Close to my office?