Mother-in-law problems

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Dear Hill;

I had some miserable weeks with my girl’s mother staying with us and not leaving.  I conjured up a great scheme to get rid of her.  When she was in the kitchen cooking, I grabbed her on the buttocks and grinned.  She screamed and grabbed a small knife.  She didn’t even come close!  Anyway, she left the next morning.  Now I have an angry girl on my hands and sleep with one eye open; but happy.

Singha Jerry

Dear Singha Jerry,

You certainly do believe in living dangerously, don’t you?  Do you have any ducks round your house?  If so, I suggest you sleep with two eyes open.  Just as duck liver pate is a gourmet food for us, certain parts of your anatomy are considered a gourmet nibble for the ducks.  And once swallowed, never seen again.  Of course there is also the kitchen blender which will have you sitting down to wee for the rest of your days.  No surgeon can do anything with that puree!