Farting in bed with ear plugs

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Dear Hillary,

Is passing wind (farting) in bed acceptable these days? I have a young lady who stays with me most days/nights. Used to work in a bar but hasn’t for the past three months. I am very happy with her and she says she is with me. My only personal problem is she lets some beauties go when asleep. I was always taught that this was something one didn’t do, but then I am considerably older than she is, so things might have changed. Should I mention it, or just put up with it?

Frederick

Dear Frederick,

What is the problem? Noise that wakes you up? Odor? Sleeping on your side of the bed? This is a very complex problem, Petal, so thank you for bringing it to my attention. I have asked around and it is taken as a sign that the relationship is steady. Until you can fart with impunity, the relationship is still in an early stage. Yours is three months you say, so it is rather early in the overall scheme of things. Perhaps she has been eating Bok Choi which is known to generate wind. It has to go somewhere. Other than getting her to wear thick woolly knickers to work as a muffler, there’s not much else. Ear plugs perhaps? Sorry Frederick, but I’m stumped. Perhaps one of the readers will have the answer? Let’s see.