Wednesday, 12 November 2014 15:31

Miss Right at the check-out counter?

Dear Hillary,

I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center, and many are quite nice. I see them resting on the seats. I know you say we older foreigners should stay away from the bars, and that is what I have been doing these days, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie about my age (I’m a pensioner) and go back to university? What should I do? I’m getting tired of being lonely. I could always get somebody from the bars to look after me.

Lonely Lester


Dear Lonely Lester,

What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one, and we certainly have been having a few heavy showers recently. Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No Lester, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). They are more dangerous than the girls from the bars. At least Hello Sexy Man bar will still be there tomorrow, and the mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as lying about your age, that’s not such a bad idea. I heard of one 70 year old chap, when seen walking down the street with a cute 17 year old, told his friends it was easy. “I lied about my age. I told her I was 95!” If you are getting really desperate, talk to the girls in the optical stores. They are all well dressed and university graduates. You must be needing glasses at your age, so you’ve got a good excuse for being there. They also do eye checks for free, and that’s a free offer without a hoop of balloons and a roasted pig outside either. Don’t despair, Lester. Just be nice to everyone you meet. Very soon someone will snap you up for who you are, and not just to get their hands on your pension.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014 15:30

Feeding homeless waifs

Dear Hillary,

I am new round this neck of the woods, and I am still finding my feet, and this can sure be a difficult place to find things. I had to get a hose for the bum washer the other day and the girl in the hardware shop just didn’t understand what I wanted and was trying to sell me the whole kit and caboodle. Yes, I did manage in the end, but I’d like to know of some nice, not over the top, restaurants where I could take some female company. The girls are so nice, I reckon they deserve a feed every so often.



Dear Robert,

You sound like a nice genuine guy, my Petal, but I don’t really see the connection between the bottom washer and some “nice, not over the top, restaurants”? However, here’s your answer to the bottom washer purchase and the restaurant. There are a couple of things you need to do. First go and learn the language. This is Thailand and the people speak a language called Thai. It is not impossible for foreigners to learn it (after all, little children learn to speak it). Secondly, if after some replacement hardware part, take the original one into the shop with you. Simple and no hassle. Now where to go to eat? I’m not the right one, Petal, you need Miss Terry and not Ms. Hillary. Miss Terry Diner reviews one restaurant every week in the Pattaya Mail, and gives average prices in the review to make it easier for you. However, if you are taking to dinner one of our nice ‘readily available’ young ladies, be warned that many do not like western and only eat Thai food.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:58

The answer for (in)fidelity

Dear Hillary,

Noting some of your writers are worried about their partners straying, I have the answer for them. If you really find the love of your life, (or lust of it), and want to insure she will NEVER stray, do the usual. Supply adequate funds for her personal use but ... to insure “till death do us part”, contact a lawyer with her present, draw up a overly generous will, leaving her so much her breasts will expand just hearing the amount - with the stipulation she must be in habitation/co habitation with you for the 10 years prior to your passing. She will, overnight shed all bad habits, manually fan your sweaty brow and perform nothing but pleasurable acts upon your person.



Dear Don,

You are a prolific correspondent, aren’t you, my Petal. And you have the answer for everything it would seem. Your proposal ‘could’ work, but I doubt that this would continue to work after the first 24 hours. We Thai ladies are not known for looking very far ahead. There is also the problem that she might tell her friends of the future windfall and they might suggest helping you come to your passing a little earlier than you planned. It’s been done before! For that reason, I cannot swing my wholehearted support behind your scheme. Sorry.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:57

In the nood for love?

Dear Hillary,

In many Thai homes and businesses, removing your footwear is required and, in my home, removal of all clothing is mandatory! I really like naked women. Even the maids enjoy the freedom of movement and admiring glances! People aren’t born with clothes so this is a semi religious ceremony. Men are excluded! C’mon over, my fridge has only champagne and chocolates in it.

Naked Norman


Dear Naked Norman,

What an offer! A fridge full of champagne and chocolates just waiting for Hillary, as long as I join the semi religious nude group that you are running. I am not sure that is such a good idea, as at least one of us is going to be disappointed. For example, you did not say where the chocolates came from, and not a mention of which vineyard or vintage of the champagne. No, that’s really too much of a risk for me to take, Norman.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:56

Trophy wives

Dear Hillary,

Seems that many of the men who write in to you for advice, don’t really want your help, all they want to do is to show off that they have young wives. Many of them say they pay their wife a salary each month, which makes me say they haven’t got a husband/wife relationship. Husbands don’t pay their wives to stay with them, surely? Or have I got it all wrong?

Harry the Husband


Dear Harry the Husband,

I’m not sure I know what you mean? Are you in the situation of being asked for money (or a salary) by your wife, or what? The examples you bring up are very common in Thailand, with these girls being called “mia chow” (or “rented” wives). This is very different from the western marriages, but is totally acceptable in Thailand (and in fact all of SE Asia). If you are being asked for money (salary) by your GF, then it is up to you what happens. Relationships are easy to get into in Thailand, but there is always a cost, one way or another.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:55

He who pays the piper calls the tune

Dear Hillary,

A friend who has been to Thailand put me on to your website. I have been reading your column on dating and have enjoyed it very much. As I am going to be there in December for the first time I am writing. It seems that everyone I ask (single men like myself) talk about being at the bars as the way to meet the working women of Thailand. While I realize this is not the only way I do have a question. If one is not a big drinker will I offend if I do not drink a lot or wish to leave to go see music, movies or see the country.



Dear James,

I can assure you that the ladies from the bars have not the slightest interest in how much ‘you’ drink, only in how much ‘they’ drink, while you are paying of course! This is because they receive a percentage of the cost of the ‘lady drinks’, while they get nothing from the price of your drinks. This is how they make money, as they are ‘working’ women, getting their monthly salaries in many ways. It works like this, since you have not been here before, Petal. They generally receive a small wage (or retainer), and then their lady drinks percentage plus a percentage of the so-called ‘bar fine’ which is what the punters (like you) pay for the honor and glory of taking one of the blushing young ladies away from the bar to see music, movies or the country. Anything else is a private arrangement between the lady and the customer, as you have to realize that there is no prostitution in Thailand, because the statutes say so. And the statute books have said so since about 1966. While you are paying for things, you will not offend, James.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014 16:37

Handbags at 20 paces, girls!

Dear Hillary,

I lived in Loei, Issan for two years and I know how hard the people have to work for their daily rice. Their young people come to the big city to make money and send half back to their family. The girls who come to Pattaya go to the bars where they join the world’s oldest profession. If they get a job in a factory or shop the wage is THB 300 for one day. In Britain, the minimum wage is THB 300 for one hour. The bar girl naturally would like as much as she can get from the Farang. If he gives her too much money or gold, that is his fault, not hers. As to Robert’s derogatory remarks about my education, I know the difference between massacre and genocide. He does not. I hate what the British Empire was, but it subjugate people to make them workers or slaves, it did not annihilate them. Since he prefers German, he should read “Mein Kampf” by Adolf Hitler and educate himself as to what Genocide means. All I can say to him is “G’Dai Mite, Austraaaalia is a long wai awai.” Hillary, my love, Scotland has waited for independence for 300 years. We can wait a little longer.



Dear Don,

Thank you for the “my love”, nobody has called me that for so long, my Petal. While I do agree with you in the main, you can’t really compare earnings in Thailand with earnings in Britain. The cost of living there (or Australia) is sky high compared to here, you must agree, so they need much higher wages. There is also the fact that the Pattaya bar ladies are making a lot more than THB 300 an hour, I am told. Inflation has set in financially, as well as in the superstructures (God bless the inventor of silicone)! Genocide is a ticklish subject, especially for this column, and I am sorry to remind everyone that the British settlers in Australia (sorry Austraaaalia) did a cracking job with the aboriginals in Tasmania, did they not?

Wednesday, 29 October 2014 16:37

Prices going up

Dear Hillary,

We have been discussing in our 7-11 conference area just how the price of everything has gone up. Not so much on the groceries side (as we can always cut down on the meat and veg and eat more rice) but on the fun parts of life, which was why we all came here. The COL (Cost Of Loving) index has far outstripped the increase in bread and petrol prices. What can we do about this, Hillary?

George and the lads out front 7-11


Dear George and the lads,

I’m not really into economics that much, I’m sorry to say, but I think the reason for the increased prices must be that the Pattaya ladies must use a lot of petrol and eat a lot of toast.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014 16:36

Terminal chocaholic

Dear Hillary,

I sympathize with you, as I too have had a life-long battle with my addiction to chocolate. I went through hell as a teenager with pimples every day, but I had to keep nibbling the chocolates. I didn’t care. These days I need a Mars bar every day or I can get the withdrawals. What do you do about the cravings?

Chas Chokkie


Dear Chas Chokkie,

You have me all wrong, Petal. I am not addicted to chocolate, I just like chocolate. I don’t need chocolate every day, and the chocolates (and champagne) have been pretty sparse recently anyway. If I was feeding your addiction, I’d be in very bad withdrawals by now. Seriously though, I think you should talk to your doctor about this. You might have sugar or something.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014 16:34

Lao Khao for Newbies

Dear Hillary,

About a year ago I set up home with a Thai girl, who is many years my junior. Her family comes from the north east and I have been up there and met them, and they seemed nice enough farming folks. They accepted me quite readily, but I always felt a little left out at the family gatherings as they can only speak Thai and my girl had to translate all the time. (They also drink that awful Lao khao stuff!) For this reason, I have not been back up there, though my girl does go up frequently. Is this the usual way families behave in this country? If it is, I will say nothing, but she will often go back for two or three days, the last being the end of Buddhist Lent. Have I anything to worry about?

The Worrier


Dear Worrier,

You may have lots to worry about, or nothing at all. Are you worrying because you think she is not going back to the family rice paddy? I am having to try and read between the lines too much here. It is very usual for daughters to go home and pay respects to their family, and contribute financially as well. Does your lady have children there that are being looked after by her Mama? Honestly, Petal, it sounds very normal to me. Talk to your friends who have been married to a Thai girl for some time. You’ll find it is the norm in this country.

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