Wednesday, 04 March 2015 13:32

A “John” in more ways than one

Dear Hillary,

A chap called John wrote in a couple of weeks ago complaining that his rented “wife” for two weeks was costing him a lot of money. He wrote, “The girl has got her hand out for this and that, mobile phone needs replacement, money for Mama, money here, money there. It really does add up. I think you should be letting your readers know about these things, Hillary.” Now I don’t know where he comes from, Hillary, but for as long as I’ve been reading your column, which is a few years now, you have been advising and warning all the “Johns, Toms, Dicks and Harrys” about just that problem. What does he expect? She’s got two weeks to make the biggest score she can, and she certainly found one sucker in John. It was up to him to just say “No!” What could she have done? Run away? That won’t happen, not while our John has anything left on the card. Don’t these people understand the financial nature of their lifetime friend after two weeks?



Dear James,

Like you, I wonder some days, my Petal. Are these people like John living in some kind of a time warp? They must think the price for everything has remained the same as it was 20 years ago? Unfortunately, everything has gone up in price in that time, so much so that I have to rely on hand-outs for my chocolates and champagne. I certainly can’t afford them on my salary. I agree with your comments James, people like John have to start facing reality regarding their liaisons.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015 14:13

Immaculate conception?


Hallo. Please do you have expirian (sic) about pregnancy trears (sic) for money.??? I was with girl a year ago for2 weeks...sche (sic) had period we quite sche (sic) spoke my new girlfriend and said sche’s not pregnant. Now I got mail with photos of ‘my baby’ they say they following me they say they have copy my driver license they will go, to embassy??? and I must give some amount.?? I was angree (sic) to see this and I deleted mail from J.D..... I remember. Do you know something about this mafia??? or what??

Regards. Tanx (sic). Louizino


Dear Louizono,

Why do I get the impression that English is not your mother tongue? I managed to unscramble “experience” but I’m stumbling a bit with “trears” - “tears”? However, I get the message - you are simply being blackmailed, my Petal. If everything 12 months ago is as you describe, then it is not likely that the baby is yours. What to do? Challenge them directly to have the baby’s DNA tested against your own. That will very quickly show if the bub is yours or not. Just a word of caution - get the baby’s DNA done first, so they cannot try switching samples or whatever, and I might even suggest Singapore could be better for a laboratory where there is no chance of tampering with samples. In the meantime, tell them you had a vasectomy two years ago.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015 14:11

Tuck me in, Nurse

Dear Hillary,

A few weeks back some guy wrote to you to say he had found the receptionist from his work dancing in a go-go bar and wondered then just how do us males separate the good girl/bar girl problem? Seems that you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I went to one of the better known bars last week and the lovely up on the stage, hanging onto its chrome pole was a nurse assistant at one of the local public hospitals. She said she is studying to become a nurse but that is weekends only, so in between she dances in a go-go bar. Is this an example of getting the best of both worlds? Like to know your take on this, Hillary, as you have been promoting the idea of look for a good girl, not a bar girl.



Dear Gilles,

You certainly have good English for a Frenchman Petal. Now tell me what was a good Gallic lad like you doing in a go-go bar anyway? You were not there looking for a “good” girl, were you? Or were you just caught short and went in looking for a “pissoir”? We all need money to live, and how we earn it is up to each person. I sit in the attic and answer letters like yours. She sits in the classroom and it costs her money, so she dances for her living and puts up with French people who want to know why she can be both a good girl and a bar girl at the same time. The answer is the fact that she is “good” for two days out of seven and “bar” for the other five days. One day you might need a nurse to look after you and you won’t care how she earned the uniform.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015 14:10

Where is my partner?

Dear Hillary,

Greetings! Ever since I laid my foot to Pattaya 5 or 6 years ago, I have been an avid reader of your column. I’m an Asian foreigner contract worker in Pattaya then, but when my contract ended and moved to another country I kept the paper’s website and kept myself updated from your column. Over the years of reading your columns, it still humored and amazes me of the different stories and revelations. But above all, as most of the stories I read are the few men who were able to find their partners and knowing Thai women, well the relationship was a happy ending after all!

The thought crossed my mind of going back to Pattaya, this time not for work but for a partner...It sounds ridiculous, but I’m not getting any younger and the fact that I’m a woman!

Well Ms. Hillary, I bet this is the most unusual letter you’ll ever read, cause this time it’s a woman’s search for a partner...wish me luck Ms. Hillary!

Lost Angel


Dear Lost Angel,

I’m sorry to disappoint you Ms. Lost Angel, yours is not the most unusual letter I’ve ever read, but back to your situation. You need a partner, and I can assure you that you will never be lonely in Pattaya, no matter what your needs in a partner entails - and you haven’t really told me much about that, have you? However, the simple fact remains for all people who come to Thailand looking for partners, if you choose from the commercial end of available partners, you will get what you pay for. A ‘mia chow’ or ‘rented wife’. “Love”, devotion, commitment are qualities you generally won’t find there. As in any relationship (m-f, m-m, f-f) go slowly, Petal. Go slowly! It is a dangerous battleground you are traversing.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015 15:15

Time Gentlemen Please!

Dear Hillary,

I dropped into a ‘Gentleman’s Club’ the other evening. It was fairly late and some of the fellows there were obviously a little the worse for wear. The girls were doing what they do best, and money was coming out of one guy’s wallet like a vacuum cleaner was in there. When he and his mates went to leave there was an argument about how much they had spent and a security guy came in and was threatening them. They were from Scandinavia and it was a right mess. I didn’t know what to do, so I just paid my bin and left. Thinking about this later, do you think I should have tried to do something at the time?



Dear Ernie,

As they say - Discretion is always the better part of valor. Another motto to remember - never try and reason with drunks! You did the right thing Ernie. Anyway, the Scandy’s can look after themselves pretty well. All those years rowing the long boats made them pretty fit and hardy, and they do enjoy a fight now and again!

Wednesday, 18 February 2015 15:14

How much in the Tip box?

Dear Hillary,

Tipping - I can understand that the service girls don’t get paid much, so they need the tips to build up their salary, but we (the customers) are getting ripped off by many places. I always look at the bill, and if a 10 percent (or sometimes more) “service charge” is already in there, I don’t leave a tip. I reckon a few of these places don’t give the girls the 10 percent either. Am I right or am I wrong?


Dear Joe,

I am old-fashioned, but I believe you tip for exceptional “service”. If the cook and the server have done well, then I add 10 percent onto the bill. If I want to reward the girl who served me, then I discretely give her the 10 percent in her hand. If the management has already put 10 percent on the bill, then I don’t add anything, other than a few coins which come in the change. “Tipping” shouldn’t be an automatic extra.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015 15:13

Naughty, naughty web sites

Dear Hillary,

A couple of weeks ago, one lady discovered that her husband had been looking at some ‘naughty’ sites on his laptop. It has been estimated that 60 percent of all web surfing is done on porn sites so her husband shouldn’t waste money on “shrinks” but, instead, if she has the inkling and, more importantly, the body for it, she should run, not walk to the nearest Victoria’s Secret shop or any street side store dealing in hot underwear! The female form, to me, and some 1.2 billion other men and three women, is a real delight and sells more merchandise than all other forms of advertising, including this paper, combined!



Dear Don,

What wonderful statistics you have. “1.2 billion other men and three women”. Where do the three women come into this? Or even more importantly, where do the three of them live? Is this some unisex ménage a trois or something? Now looking at your 1.2 billion men who enjoy the odd ogle, where did you get that figure (mathematical not female form type figure) from? Don’t tell me you stood outside the local Victoria’s Secret shop with one of those clicking counters or something. And for that matter, the Victoria’s Secret place is so secret in Pattaya, I don’t even know where it is, and heaven knows I need it these days.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015 15:12

Saved him a bundle!

Dear Hillary,

You won’t remember me, but you did give me such good advice last year. I was the guy with the GF here, but I was only here on holidays, for one month a year. I took your advice and looked a bit more realistically at the relationship and realized I didn’t have a relationship. I was just sending money to some bar girl who most likely had others doing the same. I had asked you how would I find out if she was back working at the bar or not, and you made me see sense. I stopped sending money, and the loving emails stopped as well. I just want to tell other guys in the same situation that if your GF speaks in broken English, and her emails are perfect, then she’s not writing them, is she?

(ex)Doubting Thomas


Dear (ex)Doubting Thomas,

So nice to know that our little column here has been of great help, my Petal. When I get letters like the one at the top of the page from people like Ernie (hand delivered with no return address), it makes me quite sad, as there are so many “lost” souls out there. However when I got your email, it really helped sparkle up my day, and I was very happy to reply, as well as print it in the column. Now that you are an “ex” Doubting Thomas, you will find you can make lots of lasting, good relationships from now on. Congratulations on ‘coming of age’. (Please wrap your next letter around a cold bottle of bubbly, that’s a good chap.)

Wednesday, 11 February 2015 16:02

How much Royal Garden?

Dear Hillary,

I have started to use the street corner motorcycle taxis recently and have two questions. Is it safe to use them? How much should I pay for shortish trips? I have found them very handy and will drop me exactly where I want (especially off the Baht Bus routes), but I am a little concerned about the correct fare.

Motocy Mary


Dear Motocy Mary,

You are a brave young lady, aren’t you, but your concerns are a bit mis-directed. Traveling anywhere round here is dangerous as cars, buses and motorcycles do not mix. You can always get a baht bus to take you somewhere off the usual route, but arrange the price first. How much should you pay? Shortish trips B. 50-60. Just learn to ask first, barter second before getting on or in.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015 16:01

Where’s my umbrella?

Dear Hillary,

We live in Jomtien and often go to the beach there as it seems to be very popular with the Thais, as we see them swimming there a lot. Why do the Thai people wear clothes when they go into the sea? Sometimes it looks like shipwreck survivors from the Titanic. Some Thais wear bikinis, but they are in the minority. I even see them going in wearing jeans! Why, Hillary please tell us.

Jomtien Ladies


Dear Jomtien Ladies,

This is very easy to explain. Why do people with white skins use tanning lotions and tanning clubs? Because they want to be brown. Why do people with brown skin use umbrellas during the day? Because they want to be white, in fact “whitening” creams are the biggest selling cosmetics in Thailand. So when they go to the beach, they cover up as much as possible, and that is why they enjoy swimming - but fully clothed!

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