Wednesday, 07 October 2015 14:29


Dear Hillary,

Saw another living dead expat this morning with two young lovelies, one each side, keeping him upright walking down the street. I didn’t follow them to see where they were going, but if you guess the ATM machine, I’m sure you won’t be far wrong. Should we feel sorry for these old blokes being ripped off by these girls? Or should we be sorry for the girls?



Dear Jacko,

Read the letter above yours. The only person I feel sorry for is you, Petal. The old expat isn’t complaining, the two girls aren’t complaining, so what are you doing in this scenario? If you are going to call it a “crime”, then it is a victimless one, can’t you see that? In actual fact it is a win-win-win (as there’s three people) situation. He has two sexy “nurses” looking after him and the two girls get a nice old gentleman looking after their needs (I know it is financial). So what is wrong with that? Looks to me that you are more than just a little jealous.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015 13:59

Johnny to the rescue!

Dear Hillary,

Why do some of your readers want to pick a fight with you? You are doing your best and if they don’t like your advice they start complaining. Don’t these people know this is an entertainment page? Even so, your advice is pretty well on the mark.



Dear Johnny,

Aren’t you just the sweetest man. But, Petal, I don’t let silly people worry me, especially when I know there are readers out there who understand what this column is about. These are readers with real problems, looking for confidential advice. Thank you for your support.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015 13:58

Forgive or take a walk?

Dear Hillary,

People forget when they are calling Thai women names, that cheating happens all over the world, not just in Thailand. How many who claim that they were cheated upon didn’t cheat themselves too? How does it go about throwing the first stone? I reckon that if you get cheated on you either forgive or take a walk. I did both – forgave her first time but she did it again, so then I took a walk. Should have done it the first time, I suppose, but we had been married for five years, and I thought everything was OK. Lost a heap of money, but you can’t live with a cheater I reckon these days. Should I try again with a new woman, Hillary?



Dear Gerry,

You are still hurting, aren’t you. Are you sure you didn’t throw the first stone? It does sound as if you have finally made up your mind, so I hope it works out for you. You were obviously not happy where you were, but take your time in finding another lady for your life. They say a house is the most expensive thing you will ever buy in your lifetime, but it isn’t – it’s a wife, Petal. Tread carefully.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015 13:57

A randy 80 year old

Dear Hillary,

I never thought I would have to write to someone like you, but I’m here from the UK to look after my old father (he’s almost 80) and is, I thought, living on his own in Pattaya. When I spoke to him from England I got the impression that he was still pining for my late mother who died just over 12 months ago, but when I got here that seems to be nothing like the true situation. I find that he is going to girly bars at night and I have seen them fondling him in a most indiscreet manner. It’s worse than that, because he often brings one of them home. What can he possibly do at his age? Do you agree that a man of his age (and a retired civil engineer too) should not be handling himself in this way? I find it disgusting, and my mother would be horrified if she knew just what depravity he is up to now she has passed on. I would like your advice on how I get him to stop this sort of thing, as I am sure you will be just as disgusted at this type of behavior being shown by someone who used to be a loving husband to my late mother and father to me. My mother used to handle him OK until she got sick. Is it a medical problem, do you think?



Dear Antoinette,

No my dear, it is not a medical problem, it is a daughter problem. However, I do not understand your saying that he has been “handling himself in this way” when in the sentence before you give me to believe that he is being more than adequately handled by others! You should be pleased that your 80 year old father is still showing signs of life and share in his enjoyment of it. Life is for living, no matter what age you are. Time for you to lighten up, Petal. If your father is not asking to be looked after in a ‘wifely’ way, you should not presume to do it. If you want to do something for your father in a constructive fashion get him a medical check up and a packet of Vitamin V if he is medically fit enough, though it sounds like he is more than up to it already.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015 13:52

A real loser

Dear Hillary,

My girlfriend and I live in an apartment in town. We have a good relationship except for the fact she keeps losing the keys and mobile phone. This is very annoying, how can I stop her doing this?



Dear Annoyed

Have you ever considered the fact that your girlfriend is losing keys and telephones as a subconscious way of expressing her lack of satisfaction with the relationship or simply as a device to annoy you? It is very difficult, if not impossible to change someone else’s behavior, unless you change your own behavior first. I suggest you change the way you respond to her. One quick fix is to either don’t let her see that it annoys you or simply don’t speak to her for days every time she loses things. The best way though is to “Give her the monkey and let her feed it.” This is a Thai expression for allowing her to take the consequence of her own actions. It might work.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015 14:26

Oh Boy, is that a lady?

Dear Hillary,

I met a beautiful tall girl in a bar whose family buffalo was very well, her brother doesn’t ride motorbikes and her mother is in A1 health. What should I look out for as the next step?



Dear Amazed,

Check the Adam’s apple.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015 14:24

An older bottle of wine

Dear Hillary,

One of the older women at work seems to have taken a shine to me, stops to chat at my desk and has told me that she is not married and does not have a Thai boyfriend. I see her every day and joking I said we should go out one afternoon for some fun. She always says “next year”, and it has been left at that. Today she asked me what I was doing on Saturday or Sunday and I said I was busy. She then floored me by saying, “OK, next week,” and I think she meant it, not like her “next years”. How do I find out what she meant? Should I go ahead and say a day next week? If she doesn’t really mean it, would I embarrass her? Have I put my foot right in it?



Dear Jerry,

This lady has been giving you all the hints that any mature man should recognize. I read that she is an older woman, and I think you must be a younger man, or at least someone who is not very worldly wise. If you want to go out with her one afternoon for fun (as you put it), then just agree on a day. If she doesn’t really mean it, then she will give you an excuse as to why it is not possible. Lighten up, my Petal. Just enjoy life as it comes, and remember that old wines in old bottles can be better than new wines in new bottles.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015 14:22

Winning the lottery

Dear Hillary,

My hairdresser lady said the other day that coming to Pattaya and finding a farang husband is like winning the lottery for a Thai woman. This amazed me, as there appears to be so much strife with the farang-Thai households, one would hardly consider it to be a lucky lottery ticket. What is your take on this, Hillary? You are the one who gets all the moans and groans.



Dear Charlie,

You are thinking only from the foreign male’s viewpoint, Petal, and if you are basing your letter on the moans and groans on these pages, then you are ignoring all the other lucky lottery ticket holders, who have no need to write to me. For a young Thai woman (or any age, for that matter) to come to Pattaya and form a relationship with a local farang means they have opened the door to an opportunity otherwise impossible. Luxury condo living is certainly better than sharing one concrete walled room with three or four other refugees from the North-East. Do you wonder why amongst ourselves we can describe the relationship as being like winning the lottery? So the relationship can go sour, but that is the risk that all couples have to take. Fifty percent of first marriages fail in the UK and the US I am told (and not all of them are married to Thai ladies).

Wednesday, 23 September 2015 14:20

Time stands still for no one

Dear Hillary,

My Thai girlfriend is wonderful – except for one thing, she is timeless. She will arrange to meet me at four in the afternoon and rolls up at five saying “Sorry I’m a little late.” I don’t think one hour to be a “little late”, that’s a lot late, surely. She has been even more late than that, but every time it is the same, “Sorry I’m a little late.” Have you any ideas that I could try to get this girl to be punctual?



Dear (Punctual) Pedro,

Have you tried buying her a watch, my poor punctual Petal? I suggest you buy her a digital watch, or else it will be endless descriptions of “When the little hand is at three and the big hand is at twelve...” You could also buy her a mobile phone and ring her up quarter of an hour before the appointment to remind her. Then you could also get her a motorbike, so that she doesn’t have to waste time looking for a songthaew. To keep the motorcycle serviceable, it should be kept under cover, so while you’re shelling out the shekels, you may as well buy her a little house. With that kind of investment you may as well marry the girl, so that next time you write to Hillary you can begin with “My Thai wife is wonderful – except for one thing. She is timeless.” My suggestion is to jump ship now, Pedro, before it all becomes too much. Thais are not noted for their punctuality, and very few of them are ever ‘on time’. The concept is, that as long as nobody is killed because of lateness, there is really no problem. That’s life in the relaxed Thai world, and you may just have to learn to live with it, or keep moving on.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015 14:20

Age brings wisdom?

Dear Hillary,

How did us single farangs get along before you? Though I am told that you are older than Methusala (not sure of the spelling, but you know who I mean). How do you keep up answers for the fellows who get themselves in trouble every week? I’ve no problems, a nice little fan who cuts my nails and never complains, but what about the rest of them?



Dear Jim,

Your concept was right, but your spelling a bit off. The gentleman you were referring to as being as old as Hillary, was Methuselah. That fine old gentleman lived to be 969 years old and died seven days before Noah’s great flood and was actually Noah’s grandfather. As you can see, he hopped off at the right time, as legend has it that he couldn’t swim. There are no worries about floods this year as you can walk across Mabprachan lake!

Now about all the local farangs that you are worried about – stop worrying, my Petal. Most fix their own problems, and it is only a few that have to call on my inestimable (big word for a Friday) advice. I’m glad you are not having any problems with the toe cutter gang (get the movie Mad Max on DVD) and hope that life for you continues without complaints.

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