Dear Hillary,

One of our friends seems to have an endless line of girls willing to stay with him.  Before you start thinking, we are all happily married and not jealous at all.  The problem we have with this guy is that he sends them packing after a couple of weeks, other than one who lasted a whole two months!  This is the way he lives his life, but our wives are getting tired of meeting another new girlfriend, so they ignore the new girl which then puts a dampener on our pavement social get-togethers, and the evenings turn out bad, with some of our wives saying they will not go out anywhere if he is there.  We have thought about telling him what is going down, but we are worried he will tell us to shove off.  Do you have any idea how we can handle this Thai women problem?

Ernie and the gang

Dear Ernie and the gang,

Your “gang” sounds like a bunch of desperados.  What do you do?  Rob banks?  Anyway, getting back to your problem with a group of happily married Thai ladies and the ones on the outside of the married circle.  This is all caused by the married ladies becoming insecure with a predator single female being introduced into their midst.  There’s nothing you can do to change it, Petal.  Imagine what would happen if Tom Cruise wanted to join your gang?  You might get somewhat anxious too.

Dear Hillary,

Why do Thais when they are out in company with English speaking people still speak Thai to each other, even though they can speak English?  I have noticed this a lot, now that I am well known enough to be invited for dinners and such.  Don’t you think it is very rude of them to do this, as they know I cannot speak Thai?

English Eddie

Dear Eddie,

Hey Eddie, Thanks for the email, but where are you living?  Check the address of where you live?  Let me tell you, my tongue-tied Petal, that you are living in Chonburi District - that’s part of Thailand at last count.  That country where the native language is called Thai.  Rather than them speaking English, it is you who should speak Thai.  Or is it that you are worried about the Thais talking about you?  Don’t worry about it.  But always remember that even paranoid people can have enemies!

Dear Hilary

In response to the many letters that you receive from the elite of UK and Europe etc, this letter is on behalf of the over sixties, pot belied, beer swilling, bar girl ogling ,past-it guys.

Number one

We are not all as described above, there are a lot of us expats who go to the local bar to meet up with our friends and discuss various topics.  When we are there we are greeted by the bar girls, and as long time regulars of our particular watering hole, are treated with respect.

We don’t get the “come in sexy man” comments, and are generally greeted by name and seated in our usual spot, our drinks are brought to us without delay with the usual smile.

They then sit, if not too busy, at a close distance so as to be on hand for our requests, or sit with us as they want or asked.  In some cases it is us guys who point out to the girls there are a couple of likely candidates passing, then the cry of “sexy man sit down please” rings out.

Number two

Where else will you get the bar girl to run out of the bar in a tropical rainstorm to get your favorite snack from the passing vender without any complaint or expecting something in return.

Number three

On occasion, when drinking a little too much of the mind clouding liquid, where else will you get the bar girl, or any waitress for that matter, to get you the regular taxi bike guy to take you home and make sure you are not ripped off on the way.

On return the next day we apologize for being a little ‘mow’, and the response is it’s OK as long as you are in here, we will look after you, so we know you will come back.  We always leave our loose change on the plate, albeit not much at times, and something in the hand for the particular girl who has tended to you that day.

Number four

We watch from our particular vantage point at the bar, at the people who write in to you after their particular trip to Thailand, they walk into the bar and look at us as if we are too old and shouldn’t be there, we then watch the real experts (girls) go to work, and after several beers later, the guy’s chest swells up and they give us the old knowing wink, as if to say that’s how it’s done pop.  A few more beers later and the old bar fine is handed over, and the expert leaves with another captive, on the way out, giving us old smiling guys, the old knowing smile and wink.

Everyone is happy, the captive thinks it’s the best thing since sliced bread, the girl has more money for bread, we are content to let them think what they like of us, but must realize that before they write in condemning us so called perverts, that we are the ones that are laughing at them not the other way round, as they will come to know as they mature.

Number five

Yes, we still have our R&R the last Friday in each month or which particular time, with our favorite female companion, but we are not going to fall in love again, we have all been there, we just treat the girl with respect for herself and her job and we get the same respect back.

I could go on and on.  I myself feel that we all need to be flattered sometime, but as long as we keep it in perspective and don’t think that it’s actually true and they think of us as nice guys, we will continue to like and enjoy our times at the local watering hole.  By the way just for the record, most of us are in better condition than our younger UK and European, counterparts who complain about us.  On behalf of my fellow residents here, who in the main part would not respond to the letters and comments made against us, we are not all cast in the same mold as these ladies and gents/people think.

Thanks for letting me have my small say, Happy New Year (no need for spelling corrections as this is my one and only letter).

Not so desperate Dave

Dear NSD Dave,

Thank you for that wonderful snippet of the thoughts of the ‘elder spectators at life’ group, but as you can see, I did have to shorten it a little - the editor gets twitchy if we run to two pages!  I did have to correct the spelling as well - I get a little twitchy with a letter full of incredible spellings, such as yours.  However, you certainly do know how to put the tourist who thinks he knows everything in his place, and I loved the “expert leaves with another captive.”  I am glad to see that our local plus 60’s still have fun, especially the last Friday of the month - is that pension day, my Petal?  I will make it my business to drop by one Friday.

Dear Hillary,

I was a bit miffed by that letter from Angela in your column a couple of weeks ago; she’ll be old herself one day, like you are now.  No gentleman, foreign or otherwise, wants to be seen out with an old trout.  But the Rupert Murdoch-lookalike ones who are seen in Pattaya with arm candy on their arms, are probably paying a very high maintenance price for the privilege of this young female company; who really would much rather be seen with Thai guys nearer their own age if their funds permitted it.  I’m not a rich farang so I just have to look enviously at those old duffers who are trying to relive their youth 50 years too late.  Don’t you fancy a nice Thai toy boy yourself Hill’ (sic)?  Now that you’re well and truly over the hill and in full cougar mode?  You’re never too old to fancy a bit of young stuff whose back doesn’t seize up every time he or she bends down to tie a shoe lace.  He might like Champers and chocs, and you’d be buying them for him instead of being on the cadge all the time as you are now with ever diminishing returns.

George Burns lookalike

Now then, George Burns lookalike,

I didn’t know George was green.  You certainly are - green with envy.  So you’re not a rich farang, and apparently would rather point fingers at others who are enjoying life, rather than doing something about it yourself.  So what is wrong with elderly gentlemen paying for the company of younger women?  As I have already pointed out, this is a win-win situation, and one in which either partner can opt out if wanted.  You say they are “trying to relive their youth 50 years too late”, but it doesn’t sound as if they are “50 years too late”, does it?  They are enjoying the “now” years, whatever they may be.  You should try putting on a happy face from time to time, instead of your green one.  You might even find someone who likes the George Burns type and into cigars.  Now, as far as Hillary is concerned, you should also try to understand that ladies do not buy their own champagne (French, vintage please) but are wined and dined by people who are true ‘gentlemen’ and not envious old codgers like you.  And by the way, I am not Hill’, nor am I over the hill, thank you.

Dear Hillary,

I eat out often and notice that when Thais eat they always leave food on their plates and half drank(?) drinks.  Is this a cultural thing?  Many cultures think it is bad to waste food and of course there are ‘doggie bags’, but not here.  I also wonder why McDs gives you a knife and fork for a hamburger/fries meal.

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

You are the little gourmet, aren’t you, my Petal, but where is that you go to eat?  No doggie bags?  You even get doggy bags from the “restaurant” on wheels at the side of the road.  You are correct when you suggest that leaving food on the plate is a cultural thing.  If you clean the plate, this is thought of as there was not enough food given or ordered, or not nice tasting (mai aroy).  So just leave a little, that’s all that is necessary and your hosts will always be happy.  Now, your McD’s problem - you are farang, so you eat with knife and fork.  We Thai eat with spoon and fork.  If you want a spoon, get your girlfriend to order it!

Dear Hillary,

When I go out to the bars, I often take chocolate with me to give the girls.  It’s a popular “gift”, as many are hungry and most but not all love chocolate.  The chocolate comes in 2 main “shapes” - colorful heart shaped chocolate and chocolate shaped into gold coins.  I don’t hand it out, but instead open the bag and let them choose whatever chocolate they want.  Inevitably, when I get home, I have a bunch of heart shaped chocolate left over, but not one single gold shaped coin chocolate.  It probably means nothing … then again, maybe it does!

Count Chocula

Dear Count Chocula,

Let me be the first to congratulate you on this amazing scientific discovery!  If this happens every time you go out with your chocolate bag of goodies, then we can safely say that wrapped chocolates are more preferred than unwrapped ones.  This can be explained by the fact that when you are sitting around with only a g-string on, unwrapped chocolates melt and leave nasty runs in the lower regions, but wrapped chocolates can be slipped into the bikini without fear.  Of course, there will be those who try to put some significance into the shape of the chocolates (heart versus money), but I am sure that our bar girls can tell the difference between gold foil and 10 baht coins.  Could I suggest Count Chocula, that you try the experiment again with wrapped heart shaped ones and unwrapped 100 baht chocolate bills, and I do realize that you only go to the bars for research purposes.

Dear Hillary,

About once a month there is a fair in the vacant ground opposite my village.  They have great big speaker boxes at the entrance booming across the road, but by midnight when you would think it would be winding down, it is the opposite, they turn the volume up so high it rattles my windows.  I tried going across and asking them to turn it down, but “no understand”.  I have asked my neighbors and they just laugh and say “it good fun”, so I’m not going to get anything there.  Who do I see to complain about this noise?  City Hall?

Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

I’m sorry to disappoint you, Petal, but you can go to the highest courts in the land, and you won’t change anything.  Fairs like this are very popular with the Thai people (you know, the people who were born and live in Thailand), so whilst you may get some sympathetic souls who agree with you, they are in the minority.  I suggest you go and take a room in one of our nice hotels next time and have your own party.  Throw on a couple of bottles of the best French bubbles and I’ll be there!  (And don’t forget the chocolates!)

Dear Hillary,

I come over once a year for my annual holidays and do what every red blooded male does and visit the ladies.  I mentioned to one little honey last year that I was coming back again this time, and on my first night I get an SMS from her to tell me where she is working.  Do you think this is a genuine thing, and she has been waiting for me to come back, or what?

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

Of course she is genuine.  Why would you ask?  She has been genuinely waiting, having noted your telephone number and dates in her latest iPhone 5, along with all the others who come over at different times.  You were just lucky your dates fitted nicely into the January slot!  Jerry, my Petal, this girl is really genuine - a genuine 100 percent bar girl who knows how to run her business and knows how to market it to unsuspecting annual holiday makers such as yourself.  Get a grip, Jerry.  Enjoy the holiday, but don’t start thinking that the next girl who remembers you has kept your smiling face in her heart.  It might be in her iPhone, so that she can recognize you from all the other Tom’s, Dick’s and Harry’s from last year.  And don’t buy her a motorcycle or pay the vet’s bills for the ailing buffalo, there’s a good chap, or you’ll be getting more SMS messages to your home, something you probably don’t want.

Dear Hillary,

I came to Thailand to retire.  I’d been here a few times while I was working, dreaming all the time of when I could come here and settle down.  I’ve been a widower for many years and it was always nice to have the company of these young girls on the holidays too.  The big decision came last year when I got my nest egg and over I came.  It hasn’t worked out the way I thought, Hillary.  The first thing is I’m bored.  There’s not much to do here if you are a UK pensioner and don’t play golf.  There’s nobody to talk to if you’re not prepared to sit outside the 7-Eleven and drink beer at 10 in the morning, and the lovely girls know so little English that they are not the good company they used to be.  I know you can’t do anything about this situation for me, I just want to warn other older chaps to think very deeply before making the move.  I’ll be going back as soon as I sell the condominium, but that doesn’t look like being soon either.  It is always the time for someone to buy one, but never the time to sell one, I have found.

Alfred

Dear Alfred,

I am sorry, Petal to hear that your dream has not turned out so well for you, but you have to think a little on what you would be doing back home in the UK as a retired pensioner.  Sitting on a park bench, huddled up in a warm coat, and waiting till the pub opens.  Female company?  There isn’t anything other than a ‘Grab a Granny’ night at the local town hall.  It’s not so bad here, when you think about it.  And don’t forget the weather here and the weather over there.  You are expecting too much too soon, Petal.  There are plenty of clubs you can join here, like the Pattaya Sports Club (very strong in charity work) or the Pattaya City Expats Club for another one, and they have all sorts of special interest groups like bridge games, photography, inexpensive dining, charity work with needy children and fishing, and more.  Once you are involved in some community projects you will also find you can meet nice Thai ladies who do speak your language as well.  And you never know, you might even find you like golf!

Dear Hillary,

We know you like chocolates, but last year we took some chocolate candy and some of those strange jellied candies in little cups (and some real food) out to one of the children’s homes.  None of the children wanted the chocolates and all wanted the jellied candy.  Do Thais - especially the ladies - not have taste for chocolate?  I thought all women loved chocolates.  And if they do, where is a good place to buy quality boxed chocolates?

Chocoholic

Dear Chocoholic,

You should be able to smell out chocolate stores from 40 meters, Petal.  However, I see you are from overseas, so I forgive you.  Thailand has some of the best chocolate in the world, just remember to bring your wallet, Petal so you can afford them (and remember the champagne and extra chocolates for Ms. Hillary).  Actually, whether Thais like chocolate depends upon where they come from.  The Esarn peoples tend not to like sugary sweet things and chocolate is amongst that.  By comparison, the southern Thais have a much sweeter tooth.  Hillary?  Well now, where do you get nice chocolates?  It’s easy, you just pop down to the big supermarkets like a good boy and you will find quality boxed chocolates there.  Wrap them securely, with a label addressed to Hillary, c/o the Pattaya Mail and I will get them.  Thank you in advance, and also a big thank you for remembering the children less fortunate than ourselves.