Dear Hillary,

Why do Thai people sleep a lot?  My Thai wife and her cousins who stay with us will sleep right the way through to mid morning, long after I have left for work.  Night is a different story as they will chatter on until all hours, and long after I go to bed.  Is this the usual, or do I have a bunch of sleepy heads in the house?

George

Dear George,

The answer is staring you in the face.  They go to sleep late, so wake up late.  You go to bed early so wake up early.  Everyone needs around 6-8 hours of sleep.  Suggest you talk it over with your wife and perhaps tell her that you expect her to make your breakfast each day.  That way she will have to get up early.  Or you leave the house hungry.  I think you need to talk to your wife, but wait till she is fully awake.  OK?

Dear Hillary,

My Mother in England has spent many times in prison over the years for shoplifting.  She is in prison at present but will be released soon.  My brother has also spent long periods in prison for car theft and robbery.  He is in prison at the moment also.  My sister works as a prostitute but seems to be doing well moneywise.  My father is a chronic alcoholic.  Do you think I should tell my Thai girlfriend that I am a Conservative?

Les

Dear Les,

Unless she has been to England, she won’t know what being a “Conservative” means!  So don’t bother, my Petal.  However, perhaps your sister might like your girlfriend as a partner in the business and you can graduate to being a pimp.

Dear Hillary,

I have a nice relationship with my Thai girlfriend, even though I only get to see her for about two times four weeks every year on my holidays.  We set up a condo together (it’s in my name, no worries) and she seems happy enough there, though I am a little worried by the amount she tells me she spends every month.  She has a good job as a secretary and should be able to live on what she earns, but every month she needs about another 40-50,000 baht from me to keep going.  The money she tells me is for maintenance of the condo, then her mother who looks after her two kids up country needs money, then the phone bills seem astronomical, and on and on and on.  I enjoy my times over there, but I am starting to think that maybe I’m getting ripped off somewhere down the line.  Do you think I am?

James

Dear James,

It is not really possible for me to say yes or no from the sketchy details you have sent me, but 50,000 baht on top of her wages in a rent-free condo does seem rather excessive.  I think it is about time you considered saying “No” to the requests?  What would she do then?  Then there is the other fact, that just because she has rent-free accommodation, does not mean in her mind that she owes you her life.  You are only prepared to be there for her for two months a year, and that is all.  This does not appear to be a life-long commitment, does it?  The condo is not in her name, and actually you could kick her out at any time.  Agreed?  She has no security, from a guy she sees twice a year, and who sends money.  Where does that put the relationship?  There seems to be a misguided impression out there that by throwing some money in a Thai girl’s lap this means you have some gorgeous girl now yours, and faithful forever.  Commitment comes with that magic ingredient called “love” and best with a capital L.  Thai girls are just as emotionally needy and looking for a committed partner as girls in your home country, but smile more readily.  Two months in 12 is not a relationship with any depth, Petal.  You have been fooling yourself I am afraid.

Dear Hillary,

My best mate has just broken up with his Thai girlfriend.  They had been together for just a few months.  She says she wants to move in with me, but I don’t want to hurt my mate (we go on the town together every Friday night) and I’m just not sure about her.  Mate says she’s a gold digger and says he tossed her out because of it.  She says she left him because he was stingy, but more than that she wanted to be with me.  I’m really confused by all this.  Which one should I believe?  Will it be too risky to let her move in?

Bob’s Mate

Dear Bob’s Mate,

What sort of “mate” are you, Petal?  You describe the guy as one of your “best mates” who you go drinking with once a week, but you don’t trust him enough to believe him when he speaks of his ex.  Go into this relationship and you will lose your “best mate”, as well as your money.  Far too risky for you, Petal.  Stick with one night stands until you are a little older (and wiser).

Dear Hillary,

Another lamb to the slaughter.  Saw an older foreigner here, with the rental car and the young Thai girl, being propelled to the ATM to get some more readies out before the visit to the village to meet the girl’s parents, where the readies will be used for some celebration in the village, fuelled by Lao Khao and sticky rice.  Probably even a whirlwind wedding where the poor sap things he’s married the village virgin.  Can’t you put a stop to this charade, Hillary?

Ben

Dear Ben,

You’ve got the wrong female here, my Petal.  Hillary does not have that sort of power.  You should have sent your letter to PM Yingluck, not to me.  However, since the village weddings and parties are part of the financial influx to the local economy, I don’t think you’d get much support there either.  And before you point too many fingers, just what did you do on the first trip to Thailand?  Remember?

Dear Hillary,

At least I haven’t lost my shirt this time - I must be getting smarter in my old age, eh?  But the latest Thai GF marched out last week, trying to take everything, but with nothing left in her name, went empty handed.  This is the third time this has happened (third time lucky, eh?) and really puts me off having any relationship with these girls here.  Any suggestions, Hillary?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

You seem to have a fundamental flaw in your search for a mate, my Petal.  As far as your previous relationships are concerned, remember for many of these girls, landing a foreigner is like winning the lottery!  A successful partnership is not the result of a bar fine and a short time hotel.  You have to stop searching and let Miss Right come to you.  She will know that you are the person she would like to be with, and you will also know that she is the right person for you.  You will have been able to discuss finances and other matters long before ‘moving in’ happens.  Settle back and relax, Jeff, and don’t try to push the relationship.

Dear Hillary,

I never realized I was smart until I came to Thailand two years ago.  Let me explain why.  I have always used my common senses back home and here in Thailand and I never had any problems but to many farangs (foreigners), they just can’t help themselves.  Thailand receives the world’s biggest jackasses and fools and every week I see or hear about some farangs who gets into some problems with bar girls or Thais and complains and cries about everything and everybody here.  I’m tired of these fools and jackasses bad mouthing Thais and Thailand.  If they don’t like it GO HOME and stay there. Why do we get so many ugly, foolish, ignorant, disgusting farangs who makes us all look bad in front of Thai people?

Happy Camper

Dear Happy Camper,

You don’t sound all that happy to me, Petal, your letter is full of grumps and grouches.  I agree that there are many foreigners who don’t seem to use much common sense (why is it called ‘common’ when there’s so little of it around?), but I think you are overstepping the mark when you start painting your jackasses and fools as being “ugly” and “disgusting”.  I also agree that there is nothing to be gained by foreigners when they start bad mouthing Thais and Thailand, and you do have to wonder why they left their own countries in the first place.  There can be many reasons I believe, and not all of them are lawful!  Of course it is not too difficult to see why some of these people become cannon fodder for the sharp-shooters in the bars.  It must be difficult to survive the “Buy me cola, darling” when all they are used to in their home countries are women who want to put them down all the time.  “What are you looking at,” being a standard western woman’s response to a bright appreciative smile.  Perhaps you should be producing a lapel button which says “Don’t complain to me - I like it here!”  Finally, don’t let the idiots spoil it for you.  You don’t have to drink in bar beers, and if you take the effort to learn the language, then you don’t have to talk to the foreigners either, as there are 60 million Thai people out there who would like to know about you and your country of origin.

Dear Hillary,

I often read your column and I just don’t understand why all these negative experiences.  Since I’ve been traveling, my favorite by far is Thailand.  Since the first time, I have loved the people, atmosphere, weather, food, and the cold beer.  Right now, I cannot wait to return and have another wonderful vacation. It blows my mind that so many people appear to have had a bad experience.  I think they would have a bad time anywhere... why travel?

Itching to get back!

Dear Itching,

I agree with you, Petal.  I do believe that most of the people who have a negative experiences have brought it upon themselves.

Dear Hillary,

I’ve been on my own for a while.  I came over here after my wife left me in the UK.  I’m no spring chicken, but the girls here didn’t seem to mind and seemed happy to just sit and chat, and I didn’t mind buying them some drinks as well.  Problem is I’m getting lonely at home on my own, but I don’t want one of the girls from the bar I drink at thinking she can come to stay.  Honestly I don’t have any need for sex at my age, but I do miss some company.  Can you take one of the girls out to watch a movie or something and then take them back to the bar?  I could have asked there, but I am a little too shy, I suppose.

George

Dear George,

In the area you are in, the bars, you are in the CBD (Central Bar District) and you are wondering just what is for sale or otherwise?  Come on George, everything is for sale.  Just tell the mamasan what you want and she will arrange a girl for you and tell you what it will cost.  Yes, this is a financial arrangement we are talking about here, though she may enjoy the movies too.  Especially if it is a Thai movie, complete with ghosts and lots of screaming.  Hope you enjoy it.

Dear Hillary,

I had a big argue with my GF this morning and I walked out angry.  I know that when I go home tonight she will still say she is in the right, just the same as she always does.  Are all Thai women like this, Hillary, or have I got an ornery one?

Will

Dear Will,

Never mind Thai women, Petal, that’s all women.  Which rock have you been hiding under all these years?  We are always right.  If you didn’t know before, then you do now.  Better get used to it, Will.  And apologize.