Wednesday, 20 August 2014 15:55

Kamoyed in the kitchen

Dear Hillary,

My wife has started cheating on the grocery bills and I am sure she has started to sneak the odd thousand baht from my billfold when I am asleep.  At first I thought it was the kids, but they couldn’t get to my billfold during the night, while my wife could very easily.  I also note that she seems to have less jewelry than before, and when I have asked her where her necklace is she gets very defensive and says she is having it cleaned.  I am sure she is not having an affair, as she is always home at nights with me, so what can I do to check?  Where is the money going?  Do you think it might be gambling?

Emptied Wallet


Dear Emptied Wallet,

You’re sure she’s not having an affair because she’s with you at night.  What about daytime, Petal?  Ever considered that?  However, back to the disappearing 1000 baht notes.  The easy way to see if the money is running away is to count the number in the wallet before bed and again in the morning.  Even jot down some serial numbers to make it even more evident.  The little stock take in the morning will show any shortfall immediately.  Unfortunately, when wives take up gambling, the first sign is missing money and gold.  You are going to have to be very careful in checking, and then comes the difficult part of confronting her with the evidence.  You are in for a rocky road, Petal.  Wives have been known to mortgage the house you are buying for her with your hard earned money.  Beware, beware.

Thursday, 14 August 2014 09:50

Take out Buffalo insurance

Dear Hillary,

I was introduced to a Thai Lady three years ago. We hit it off almost immediately and I returned later in 2011 and finally got married in December 2012 at the local Amphur Office. My now wife had been married before so did not want a religious ceremony and as for the dowry I was asked by my wife to give Bht 10,000 to her parents as a token. So, you will see that all Thai Ladies are not out for what they can get. OK, I help the family a little each month but I have never been happier! However, I suggest that all Farangs should tread carefully and as soon as you hear that the family water buffalo has died or papa needs an expensive operation - RUN!



Dear Rocco,

I am so happy for you, my Petal. I do hope your happiness continues for many years to come - provided the buffalo has taken out life assurance.

Thursday, 14 August 2014 09:50

How broke is “broke”?

Dear Hillary,

Does anyone want the company of a broke person? I’m available.

Singha Jerry


Dear (impecunious) Singha Jerry,

At your age, “broke” usually refers to something like, “I fell over and broke my hip.” You, my Petal, are really saying that you are wanting a cashless transaction (mainly because you haven’t got any)! Perhaps if you stopped donating money to the Singha Brewery, you could start looking for a paid companion again?

Thursday, 14 August 2014 09:49

Birthday problems

Dear Hillary,

One of the receptionists in our company is very attractive and I would like to get to know her better, but I have a problem. I am not the pushy type, so can’t just go up to her and ask her out. She knows my name even though we have 600 on staff, and if I meet her walking into work she is always very chatty and will hold my arm with her hand. She doesn’t wear any rings, so I don’t think she is married or anything like that. She did ask the other day what I was getting her for her birthday, and I almost fell over, but mumbled something like wait and see. I know, I missed my opportunity again. Do you think she is interested? What is the next move, and please don’t say just to go and ask her out.

Bashful Bob


Dear Bashful Bob,

I feel for you, my Petal. I really do. You are from the UK I presume and it is nice to see you aren’t one of those dreadful lager louts that populate the bars as winter comes on. Even though Thai people are very welcoming and friendly, this girl seems to be giving you a message. You don’t need to be brave to buy her a box of chocolates and quietly present them to her on her birthday. Or if that is too much, just leave them on her desk. Put a card with them saying “From Bob” and your phone number. If she rings you to thank you, then ask her out for dinner to nice restaurant. Not over the top, but one where you can chat and get to know each other a little. However, if she refuses the chocolates, just send them over to my office, marked “For my Darling Hillary”. I will appreciate them.

Thursday, 14 August 2014 09:48

The Duck Test explained

Dear Hillary,

An Aussie friend of mine says that to see if the girl sitting on your lap can be believed then you have to apply the British Standard (BS) Duck Test, “If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck” to all Thai women. Your friend must have really gone down the gurgler to be so bitter. All women are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether. He feels that all women are out to rip off mankind and all that is left is 0.01 percent of decent women. How pessimistic is that? I think he should stop feeling sorry for himself and get out and enjoy the company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have to buy the library when you want to read a book.

Elwyn from New York


Dear Elwyn from New York,

Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in many countries, including Australia and America, all women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. Despite the friend’s pessimism, his 0.01 percent still works out as 1,000 women, even in Australia. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. The problems always arise when the smitten male forgets that a good time girl is just that - a good time girl. A girl for the good times in life, not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for an accredited match-making and marriage agency. I have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if you are looking to buy a piece of cheese.

Wednesday, 06 August 2014 17:45

Fidelity and cheating

Dear Hillary,

You know it is pretty interesting to me to always hear the gents writing in about expectations of feminine fidelity when virtually none of them practice it themselves.  I have yet to meet a man who does not cheat even within a happy relationship.



Dear Robert,

I think there is a difference between “fidelity” and “cheating”.  My understanding of these two concepts in Thailand is that “fidelity” is an honest and mental relationship, where “cheating” is clandestine and not open at all and is physical.  “Fidelity” is then possible on the surface while “cheating” is below the surface - making it possible to have a happy relationship as you said, while cheating.  In the end, if you are in a relationship, keep it honest and don’t lie.  Lying is the start of the end of any relationship, as many people have found out.

Wednesday, 06 August 2014 17:44

In support of Robert

Dear Hillary,

Robert (letter above) is correct as I, and several of my associates, are in committed relationships and “cheat” as often as we think we can get away with it.



Dear Nod,

As you can see, I rearranged the letters in your name, so that you can remain anonymous.  Now, does your partner, who you cheat on, read the Pattaya Mail?  I hope not, as your wicked secret might be uncovered, though my clever rearrangement should keep you safe, but does your partner raise ducks, by the way? Stay away from the duck’s enclosure.

Wednesday, 06 August 2014 17:43

Has Hillary become Ms Google?

Dear Hillary,

Several months ago I hit you with a curly one dealing with table manners.  You came up with the right answer.  Now I have a question on the English Language.  Somehow I believe we have been taken over by stealth.  Being of the older group, I always used the word “Got”.  Now when I read a book the word “Gotten” appears over and over.  Which is correct?  He had got on the bus, or he had gotten on the bus?  I suspect one is English and the other American.  Hear from you later?



Dear Bill,

So where’s my bottle of bubbles for having got (gotten) the right answer before?  Now you want me to enter your latest quiz as well!  However, you are quite correct, my Petal.  The Americans, having been English and taken over the English language with the Mayflower and then proceeded to massacre the purity of communication (along with several scores of Red Indians).  However if you think “gotten” is bad, how about the song sung by Lauryn Hill which goes:

“You’re just too good to be true.

Can’t take my eyes off of you.”

What is this “off of” may I ask you, this being your turn to answer the questions, until I get my rewards from last time!

Wednesday, 06 August 2014 17:42

Serious designs

Dear Hillary,

Is my girl serious?  I have been to Pattaya three times and I have been with the same girl every time.  I am 36 and she is 27 and she has been working in the bar for about nine months.  She asked me that next time I come to Thailand she wants me to go to her home near Chaiyaphum to meet her family.  Is that a sign that she wants to have a serious relationship with me or does she have other motives?

Papa G

Dear Papa G,

Open your wallet and say after me, “Help yourself!”  You have now joined the bar girls retirement benefit fund.  So help me!  You have been to Pattaya three times and met a lovely young lady of 27 who has only worked in the bar for nine months, and you are wondering is this paragon of virtue (other than the last nine months or so) wants to have a serious relationship with you.  Give me strength!  You hardly know this woman and she hardly knows you, other than the fact you paid well last time.  Is this what you base “serious relationships” on?  She has serious designs on your bank account Papa G my unsuspecting Petal, that’s all that is happening here.  I suggest that instead of losing your money to the 27 year old (and probably much older if truth ever be known) from Chaiyaphum, you just donate it to your favorite charity, or buy me several cases of French champagne, and then climb back under your rock again

Wednesday, 06 August 2014 17:39

Wandering Willy

Dear Hillary,

Have Thai people some amazing bladder control or what?  There’s no public toilets so what do they do when caught short?  I’ve seen adult size pampers in the supermarkets, but I’m damn sure that not everyone has secret underpants.  Enlighten me, Hillary.



Dear Kev,

So it is the lack of public toilets that makes for “amazing” Thailand for you, my Petal?  However, I can relieve you of all the mental (or bladder) strain very easily.  Just do as the Thai males have done for centuries - look for short time rooms.  But think of the plight of us ladies.  We are far too polite to go to ST rooms on our own, so we have to be a little bit smarter.  With so many hotels everywhere, we just march straight into the foyer, and the toilets are in the far corner on the right.  Check it out!

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