Dear Hillary,

Another lamb to the slaughter.  Saw an older foreigner here, with the rental car and the young Thai girl, being propelled to the ATM to get some more readies out before the visit to the village to meet the girl’s parents, where the readies will be used for some celebration in the village, fuelled by Lao Khao and sticky rice.  Probably even a whirlwind wedding where the poor sap things he’s married the village virgin.  Can’t you put a stop to this charade, Hillary?

Ben

Dear Ben,

You’ve got the wrong female here, my Petal.  Hillary does not have that sort of power.  You should have sent your letter to PM Yingluck, not to me.  However, since the village weddings and parties are part of the financial influx to the local economy, I don’t think you’d get much support there either.  And before you point too many fingers, just what did you do on the first trip to Thailand?  Remember?

Dear Hillary,

At least I haven’t lost my shirt this time - I must be getting smarter in my old age, eh?  But the latest Thai GF marched out last week, trying to take everything, but with nothing left in her name, went empty handed.  This is the third time this has happened (third time lucky, eh?) and really puts me off having any relationship with these girls here.  Any suggestions, Hillary?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

You seem to have a fundamental flaw in your search for a mate, my Petal.  As far as your previous relationships are concerned, remember for many of these girls, landing a foreigner is like winning the lottery!  A successful partnership is not the result of a bar fine and a short time hotel.  You have to stop searching and let Miss Right come to you.  She will know that you are the person she would like to be with, and you will also know that she is the right person for you.  You will have been able to discuss finances and other matters long before ‘moving in’ happens.  Settle back and relax, Jeff, and don’t try to push the relationship.

Dear Hillary,

I never realized I was smart until I came to Thailand two years ago.  Let me explain why.  I have always used my common senses back home and here in Thailand and I never had any problems but to many farangs (foreigners), they just can’t help themselves.  Thailand receives the world’s biggest jackasses and fools and every week I see or hear about some farangs who gets into some problems with bar girls or Thais and complains and cries about everything and everybody here.  I’m tired of these fools and jackasses bad mouthing Thais and Thailand.  If they don’t like it GO HOME and stay there. Why do we get so many ugly, foolish, ignorant, disgusting farangs who makes us all look bad in front of Thai people?

Happy Camper

Dear Happy Camper,

You don’t sound all that happy to me, Petal, your letter is full of grumps and grouches.  I agree that there are many foreigners who don’t seem to use much common sense (why is it called ‘common’ when there’s so little of it around?), but I think you are overstepping the mark when you start painting your jackasses and fools as being “ugly” and “disgusting”.  I also agree that there is nothing to be gained by foreigners when they start bad mouthing Thais and Thailand, and you do have to wonder why they left their own countries in the first place.  There can be many reasons I believe, and not all of them are lawful!  Of course it is not too difficult to see why some of these people become cannon fodder for the sharp-shooters in the bars.  It must be difficult to survive the “Buy me cola, darling” when all they are used to in their home countries are women who want to put them down all the time.  “What are you looking at,” being a standard western woman’s response to a bright appreciative smile.  Perhaps you should be producing a lapel button which says “Don’t complain to me - I like it here!”  Finally, don’t let the idiots spoil it for you.  You don’t have to drink in bar beers, and if you take the effort to learn the language, then you don’t have to talk to the foreigners either, as there are 60 million Thai people out there who would like to know about you and your country of origin.

Dear Hillary,

I often read your column and I just don’t understand why all these negative experiences.  Since I’ve been traveling, my favorite by far is Thailand.  Since the first time, I have loved the people, atmosphere, weather, food, and the cold beer.  Right now, I cannot wait to return and have another wonderful vacation. It blows my mind that so many people appear to have had a bad experience.  I think they would have a bad time anywhere... why travel?

Itching to get back!

Dear Itching,

I agree with you, Petal.  I do believe that most of the people who have a negative experiences have brought it upon themselves.

Dear Hillary,

I’ve been on my own for a while.  I came over here after my wife left me in the UK.  I’m no spring chicken, but the girls here didn’t seem to mind and seemed happy to just sit and chat, and I didn’t mind buying them some drinks as well.  Problem is I’m getting lonely at home on my own, but I don’t want one of the girls from the bar I drink at thinking she can come to stay.  Honestly I don’t have any need for sex at my age, but I do miss some company.  Can you take one of the girls out to watch a movie or something and then take them back to the bar?  I could have asked there, but I am a little too shy, I suppose.

George

Dear George,

In the area you are in, the bars, you are in the CBD (Central Bar District) and you are wondering just what is for sale or otherwise?  Come on George, everything is for sale.  Just tell the mamasan what you want and she will arrange a girl for you and tell you what it will cost.  Yes, this is a financial arrangement we are talking about here, though she may enjoy the movies too.  Especially if it is a Thai movie, complete with ghosts and lots of screaming.  Hope you enjoy it.

Dear Hillary,

I had a big argue with my GF this morning and I walked out angry.  I know that when I go home tonight she will still say she is in the right, just the same as she always does.  Are all Thai women like this, Hillary, or have I got an ornery one?

Will

Dear Will,

Never mind Thai women, Petal, that’s all women.  Which rock have you been hiding under all these years?  We are always right.  If you didn’t know before, then you do now.  Better get used to it, Will.  And apologize.

Dear Hillary,

I know lots of fellers have a girl on the side (mia noi), but what I want to know is how much do you pay for one of these?  Don’t want to look stupid asking them, so I thought you might know, as you know everything else?

Billie

Dear Billie,

Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don’t know everything (just most of everything).  A Mia Noi is not a one night stand, Billie Bob (OMG, you’re not Billie Bob Thornton, are you)?  No, you have to pay for her accommodation, living expenses, clothes, food, entertainment and more.  Not a cheap exercise, Petal.  It is the old adage - if you have to ask the price of anything, it means you can’t afford it!

Dear Hillary,

Seems people come to Thailand for some local ‘flavor’ but then want to change everything to suit their jolly old ‘wherever.’  Well, we like the culture and if you don’t there will be a plane waiting for you.  Just sayin’.  Thaiway or the highway, mate.

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

There does seem to be an unfortunate habit of westerners trying to change whatever place they live in into the place they used to live in.  Forgetting all the time that they left the place they used to live in, because it had too many problems such as income tax, police, speed cameras and government regulations.

Hi Hillary,

Regarding buying houses in “her” name.  Here I give my own Senf (mustard) to this hot and controversial topic, but slightly different.  I also bought a little house in the bush for my holidays (never can live in Thailand).  It only cost 100,000 baht, but now I spent 300,000 baht making it.  Now suddenly my holiday baby says the house has changed owners and is now hers, and if I not send more money she is going to bring many men from Pattaya to visit.  Well well, after that I gave her good fright.  I told her that it is illegal that a farang buys a house 100 percent and the government can impound it.  I also told her that I come with my army friends to stay there.  Now she Text’s me frantically to find out what I do.  Let her stew.  May be Madam Hillary thinks we farang lost our mind somewhere. But I can put my mind for good use anywhere.  I can even bulldoze the house and plant potatoes.  Have a good day.

David

Dear David,

I don’t think you need to fire up the D9 dozer yet.  There is always another way, especially in Thailand.  Sure, foreigners cannot own land outright in their own names, but there are alternates, with leasehold agreements, tenancy agreements and all sorts of things that can be done - see a real estate chap or lawyer (but ask around for a good one).  I did mention last week that the enquirer spend six months renting to see if this is really where you want to be in your old age.  Don’t rush into anything, and don’t hitch your wagon to the first girl who says, “Hello sexy man.”

Dear Hillary,

I have a very dear friend, who is a very handsome, intelligent young man and he has never had a problem with girls.  After he broke up with his girlfriend here in Pattaya, he has had some, let’s call it “one night stands”, but he never got really involved with a girl again.  Recently he went for vacation to the Philippines and there fell in love with a girl.  Of course, she is very different to all the other girls, at least in his eyes.  She is probably one of those girls one can meet so many of in Pattaya, who have only worked for “a few days” in a bar, never ever did work like that before and so on.  Now I am deeply concerned, since he was deeply hurt by this former girlfriend and you never know what could happen to him this time.  I know, everybody has to have his own experiences, but is there a way for me to help him to get over this “love”?

A friend.

Dear friend,

It is good that you are so concerned about your friends love life.  Yet it is his own love life.  As you said, everybody has to have his own experiences, let him have his.  If he is as intelligent as you believe he is, he will soon recognise whether this girl is good for him or not.  And not every hooker has to be a bad person.  Some of them are very nice and many have become good wives and mothers.  Don’t forget, that this girl is quite far away and he cannot speak to her every day or go and see her.  Let time work it out.  And don’t hurt his feelings by running this girl down, you just might throw him closer to her.

Dear Hillary,

My boyfriend and I have agreed to tell each other about important things in our past, but I can’t quite bring myself to tell him about the abortion I had three years ago.  Is it okay to keep some things secret?

A girl with a secret.

Dear secret,

It makes sense to be open with your partner and to tell each other things that can help create an intimate relationship.  But there are many events in people’s pasts that aren’t relevant to their relationships—and it’s all right to keep those things private.  You can exchange many important stories without telling your boyfriend everything.  You should ask yourself, however, why don’t you want him to know about the abortion?  If it’s just that you want to put it behind you, then do so.  But perhaps you are worried that your boyfriend would react negatively.  If so, then think carefully about whether your values will clash in the future.  Another possibility is that you are afraid he lacks compassion and the ability to support you even if he disagrees with the choice you have made.  If this is the case you should give serious thought to the future of this relationship.  You need someone who can accept  you and your past, should it somehow reveal itself.

Dear Hillary,

When I met my husband, I knew he had cheated on his first wife, who left him after it became too much for her.  But thinking that somehow things would be different with me, I married him last year anyway.  Everything was going fine until we moved to Thailand.  Then three month ago he started calling out another woman’s name in his sleep and also when he climaxed while making love to me.  When I asked him who the woman was, he told me she works in a bar near where he works.  He claimed he wasn’t interested in the woman, yet he continued to call out her name when sleeping and now never seems to want to make love to me anymore.  He still refuses to discuss the situation.  I’ve moved into the spare room.  I don’t know what to do.  Please help!

A cheated wife.

Dear cheated,

Well, your husband sounds like the type of man who will be always interested in the woman he isn’t with.  He did cheat on his first wife and he is cheating on you.  Even if he only does it in his dreams.  The worse mistake a woman can make is to believe that a man who is addicted to alcohol or addicted to sleeping around, will change his lifestyle for her.  This will never happen.  A man has to change because of his own will power.  Try to convince your husband that he cannot go on this way else he will loose you too.  Find out who the girl is then go and visit her in the bar—but do not talk to her about it.  You will see on her reaction towards you if it is only flirtation between your husband and her—or more.  Try to keep your husband busy so he won’t have too much time to go to this bar.  Be friendly with him, move back to your bedroom and don’t mention it to him when he cries out her name in his sleep, even though this will be very hard to do.  You knew from the beginning what kind of husband you were getting, now try to live with it.  If you can’t, pack your bags and watch him pursue you.  But don’t give him the change to catch you.