Wednesday, 06 January 2016 13:31

Girl friend or mother?

Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF used to be very sexy in the way she dressed, but recently she has been buying very dowdy clothes, more for a 50 year old, not a 25 year old. I liked how she was, but I think that after moving in, she now wants to be the mother of the house. I don’t need mothering, Hillary, I need the stimulation. How do I get the message through?



Dear John,

(I love writing “Dear John” letters!) But what are you going to do, John? I get the feeling that you are much older than your GF and you are expecting her to make you young again. On the other hand she is trying to be the partner to an older man, so she is dressing older. The only way around this problem is for you to communicate what it is that you want. How good is your GF with understanding English? Maybe you need a third person with good language skills to explain it to your GF. Either that or set fire to her old lady dresses!

Wednesday, 06 January 2016 13:30

Pra Ra

Dear Hillary,

Do you know that terrible smelling stuff called Pra Ra? My lady brings it back from the Isaan region, and it has a smell like 100 year old sox mixed up with sewage. It is so bad I won’t let her open it in the house. What do they use it for?



Dear James,

You have just discovered one of the delights of the North-East. It certainly isn’t the sweetest smelling stuff in the world, but if you grew up with it, I suppose it smells OK. It is used in cooking, and as a spicy dip. I agree with you - terrible smell, my Petal. Best thing to do is to only allow it in the Thai kitchen at the back of the house. (You do have a Thai kitchen, I hope?) It is a North-East speciality that is not found anywhere else in Thailand.

Wednesday, 06 January 2016 13:29

A great start to the New Year

Dear Hillary,

Hope I’m not too late with this bottle, please enjoy. I was hoping to get it to you before New Year, but I got held up two weeks. Sorry, I ate the chocolates because they were melting as soon as I pulled them out of the fridge.



Dear Duncan,

Aren’t you the sweetest thing! Thank you, and after a day in the fridge I was forced to open the bottle of bubbles, and then to make sure it didn’t get hot again, I had to force myself to drink it. I’m sure you understand. I hope 2016 will be a great year for you. You deserve it.

Wednesday, 06 January 2016 13:26

Opportunity Noks

Dear Hillary,

The cashier at my local has told me she wants to get out of the bar trade. Even though she’s cashier, she has managed to get someone to cover for her, while we’ve been out together. She tells me that I have to buy her out of the bar, and that is going to cost me 30,000 baht, which I think is a lot, but she’s a really nice girl, woman actually. The price for buying her out seems high to me, but Nok says she will look after me after that. Is this a risky thing, Hillary?



Dear Jan,

Have you ever heard of the saying “Opportunity Knocks”? Well in your case it is more like “Opportunity Noks”. Not for you – for her. How old are you, my pink Petal? The cashier story is used all the time, to make you think they are “good” girls and not bar girls. The figure of 30,000 baht is well inflated too. Jan you are being ripped off. What you do now is run, and never go anywhere near that bar again!

Tuesday, 29 December 2015 14:19

Sangria again (shh, confidential)

Dear Hillary,

This is just between you and me, it is to thank you for the tip regarding a sweet red wine. I will look for Sangria like you suggested. A while ago I mentioned a lady I took to dinner and ended up with five. Nothing to worry about Hillary, the lady I first invited took care of an apartment block which I was leaving, she did such a great job it was a way to say thank you. Okay she did ask if the cleaner could come, well she did a great job too, so no worries about that, and when the three sisters turned up what could I say as it was a farewell dinner. A farewell to a few bob Hillary, 5, 5, 5...



Dear Evil,

Think of it this way, it was money well spent giving enjoyment and nourishment to five young ladies (or even not so young, I imagine)! Please note I kept the instructions down to you and me, but I had to let the editor have a peek, and he showed it to the printers, and somehow it ended up in the paper and read by 10,000 people. But never mind, that’s almost OK, and you might get the recipe for Sangria out of it.

Tuesday, 29 December 2015 14:18

Blue Diamond clinic

Dear Hillary,

There’s a woman in my apartment block showing a lot of interest in me. I think she would be about 50 and I am 70, so the ages are OK. She tells me she is single, and I am widowed, so no problems there. She still looks pretty good for someone her age. We haven’t been out together or anything, so it’s early stages yet. My problem is worrying about the relations side of things. It’s over three years now since I’ve been with a lady and I am not sure I can perform any good. Should I tell her before we go out, or would that be rude of me? Sorry to ask you about such personal matters, but I don’t know where to go next.



Dear George,

Don’t worry you have come to the right place. Well, at least a place that can point you in the right direction and give you a push. The correct person you should talk to is your doctor. Go to the biggest hospital in your area and there will be doctors who prescribe medicines that can help you. Many of my readers use what they call “Blue Diamonds”, but you need a check-up first. And good luck with the first date!

Tuesday, 29 December 2015 14:17

The new rock group, at a bar near you!

Dear Hillary,

Hope this arrives in time for New Year. Thank you for making some of us bar-flies happy reading your column in 2015, and all the best for 2016.

Barry and the Bar-flies


Dear Barry and the Bar-flies,

What a wonderful name. Are you a rock group? Or are you trying to attract groupies? What bar and I’ll come and join you for a New Year’s champagne, if you’re offering?

Tuesday, 29 December 2015 14:16

The Scribe

Dear Hillary,

One of my workmates and I came to Thailand for two weeks over Xmas. We did what two young blokes do and enjoyed ourselves with the ladies. Unfortunately my mate fell for a girl from the second bar we drank at. She could hardly speak any English at all, but now my mate has received an email from her saying that her mother is ill and she writes, “Darling! Will it be alright if I ask you for more money? I am reluctant to tell you about this, but you are very generous and gentle, I have no one to help at this time.”

That just doesn’t seem to be from the same girl whose English was limited to “I lub you, Darling.” Or “One more beer?” Do they have writers in the bars or has she managed to learn English in four weeks? I don’t really think that is possible, do you? I am trying to show my mate that he is being taken for a ride. He gave her heaps of money in the two weeks, and now she wants more. Tell him he is being a sucker, Hillary.



Dear Jerry,

Yes, this was not written by her, and yes, they do have writers who will send the email, and do it for a slice of the money that comes in from the begging letter. Get hold of a book called The Scribe, where this is described. There is also a book called Handbook of English Love Letters, 20 years old now, but most bars have a dog-eared copy somewhere, and I think you will find that the letter your friend received comes exactly from there. Your friend should grow up, Jerry and see the difference between infatuation and true love. Yes, he is being taken for a ride, but whether you can convince him of this is another matter altogether.

Tuesday, 29 December 2015 14:15

The other side

Dear Hillary,

Farang man complain all time about Thai girl. Him want fun, him want house clean, him want go butterfly but want Thai girl stay home not go bar see friends. Him stingy all the time and complain. Him get everything, and Thai girl get nothing. Not fair.

Thai Girl


Dear Thai Girl,

You know the answer. Leave.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015 14:00

Place your bets, gentlemen

Dear Hillary,

(Last week, Jack was complaining that every Thai girl was a rip-off) – My reply is do people who squander huge sums at gambling in Las Vegas get angry at the, often female card dealer? These girls are just that, really, really good dealers with free physical therapy thrown in and don’t take near the money.



Dear Don,

Thank you for taking up the cause of the Thai bar girls (they should make you president with what you’ve spent over the years), but you missed the point that he felt all Thai women were rip-offs, and as you know, not all Thai women work in beer bars.

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