Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:27


Dear Hillary,

You are always crying out for champain (sic) and choclates (sic) when youre (sic) giving advise. Don’t you know there (sic) bad for you? Why do you do it?



Dear Jason,

You didn’t do well at school, did you Jason. Failed O Levels, especially (sorry about using a big word, Petal) spelling. I can see I will have to go through this slowly for you. Champagne and chocolates (note the correct spelling, that’s a boy) are full of calories and because I am underweight, I need the calories to put it back on. I am addicted you could say, and a daily bottle of bubbly would overextend (oops, there I go again with long words, sorry) my budget, so that’s why I look for generous correspondents (people who write in, Petal) in the column. I’m sure you understand. Mark the bottle “For Hillary only” and leave it at the office.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:20


Dear Hillary,

These women here are strange creatures. Hot as hell one day and damn icebergs the next and I have absolutely no idea what brings it on. Had a couple of live-ins and I’ve had to give them both the door. Is there some way of finding out what these girls are like before you get too far into the relationship? It doesn’t seem to matter how much salary you pay them, if they get in a snit, that’s it.



Dear Marty,

You are certainly all heart, aren’t you. Pay “them” a salary and you think you own the woman and how she feels. What sort of relationship is that, my Petal? Your “live-ins” are merely “rented wives” (mia chow) and they have no compulsion in leaving, generally by being non-communicative, after which you will have to “buy” them out so they will leave. Marty, you’ve met your match, and you are getting what you deserve. Maids get salaries, partners are not maids, and it is time men like you realized the difference. Any woman who is willing to be your live-in is not trying to impress you. It is a straight out financial arrangement, and the contract can be broken by either side - but if you say it’s over, then you will pay again! Get out of the financial arena and find some nice genuine Thai women who would like to share their lives with you.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:28

Missing alias?

Dear Hillary,

I have been seeing a girl from the local and she gave me her phone number. Good, I thought, we’re going to the next step in this relationship. Last weekend I had nothing to do, so I sent her an SMS and she replied, “What name you?” I thought she must be joking and wrote back “George!” The reply floored me “What George?” Do you think I have been reading too much into the relationship?



Dear Robbie,

You’ve got me confused here, just how do you think she can handle all this? You send an SMS with no name, then you send another calling yourself “George” and then you write to me, calling yourself “Robbie”. Just who are you? Robbie Burns perhaps pretending to be George Burns? Or the other way round? But I think both of them are dead. Face facts George/Robbie, she meets people with no names every day. On that day you were probably the third “George”, and she is just trying to work out, which one of you has the most money.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:27

Apple Cider Vinegar

Dear Hillary,

You got asked a couple of weeks back by Roger with a bad back what to do in the horizontal gymnastic business. Roger, try apple cider vinegar which has relieved a lot of people or exercise (plenty of good ideas on the internet) or lying on your side but... whatever you do don’t go to a surgeon, here or anywhere. Your pain won’t diminish but your bank account will simply disappear! My problem same magnified by she, 38, me 81! But ACV did it for me.



Dear Don,

Your ACV is most interesting. Do you drink it, rub it on or splash it on French fries?

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:27

Financial agreements or MOU’s

Dear Hillary,

I asked a couple of young ladies to join me in my unit for a night. The next morning the money they told me they wanted was far too much from my point of view. I said for that money I could get a maid for a week. Then they started to threaten me and said they would go to the security guard. At that I gave in, gave them the money and locked the door. I watched from the balcony and they didn’t speak to the guard. Should I have just given them the money, or offered them half?



Dear Edward,

Unless you have only been here 10 minutes, you should know you always establish the price first, before getting on a taxi motorcycle. It is the same with the Ladies of the Night who turn into Monsters in the Morning. Do the haggling beforehand while you have the aces, not afterwards when they hold the aces.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:25

“Proud Dad”

Dear Hillary,

Re the guy with his 14 year old son getting abusive remarks. “Proud Dad” on the T shirt should do the trick. I recently saw a little child, about six, wandering around my condo lobby. In the otherwise deserted lobby a middle aged Belgian was peering at the bulletin board. All I asked was, “Is that your child?” because he was small and if unchaperoned I was going to call the guard to help little “wandering Billy” find his mom. The fellow became really ticked off at me. I was suggesting nothing about him or his habits, just natural concern for the safety of a little one. It works both ways, so take it in stride, and talk to your son about it so he understands what is happening and should not feel awkward. A fourteen year old today knows as much as most of us knew at seventeen “in the day.” You cannot protect him from what he should understand to protect himself when you are not on hand. Goodness, we had our first “stay away from the strange man offering candy in the park” movie when I was in grade school in the 1960s.



Dear Robert,

You have a good heart and looking at life sensibly. Your T-shirt should do the trick, otherwise ignore the people who are abusive.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:23

Titanic found in Jomtien

Dear Hillary

We live in Jomtien and often go to the beach there as it seems to be very popular with the Thais, as we see them swimming there a lot. Why do the Thai people wear clothes when they go into the sea? Sometimes it looks like shipwreck survivors from the Titanic. Some Thais wear bikinis, but they are in the minority. I even see them going in wearing jeans! Why?



Dear Ian,

There a two reasons, to this hilarious puzzle. #1. No Thai ever wants to become sunburned or darker in the skin tone as they all equate light skin with beauty. They all believe the most beautiful Thai girls come from Chiang Mai as they are so light skinned! Most farangs want to become tanned and most Asians want to become white. Nobody is ever satisfied! #2. The second reason is for modesty! No proper decent Thai woman will ever display their bodies in public. It is against (current) Thai societal values. Believe me, the bar-girls and boys have to make a lot of merit to atone for their displays.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015 15:54

How to upset an Agony Aunt

Dear Hillary,

Drat and double drat, I’ve got nothing to moan about; no Thai ladies cleaning me out. I’d rather have women spending money on me, but I know that’s not likely to happen until it starts raining 1000 baht notes here in downwardly mobile Jomtien; and even then I doubt if I’ll get lucky.

No, I’m just staying in my room, watching DVDs on my otherwise blank TV screen (if anyone thinks I’m paying 400 baht a month for local cable TV, they’ve got another think coming). In the UK I have to make a 2 mile round trip to buy bread and groceries from the nearest Tesco; here I’m dead lucky, there’s one right on my doorstep.

Perhaps there is one big fat greasy fly in the ointment after all Hillary; not too many days from now I’m due to return to the UK by flying; if you could grant me immunity from dying in a plane crash while in transit, I might just be able to see you right in the chocs and champers dept. (A very small box of chocolate liquers should do it, shouldn’t it old girl?)

Ken Morley-ish


Dear Ken Morley-ish,

I’m sorry, but referring to me as “old girl” does not do anything for your case or cause, and I don’t care if you have to crawl to Tesco in the UK through the snow, my Petal. Never refer to another (almost) ‘senior’ lady as “old girl”. Got it? I don’t know, as well as fixing problems I’ve got to teach you manners as well! Then there’s that Dorian Farmer cartoonist who draws me in a bikini on the beach. A bikini! You wouldn’t catch me dead in a bikini! I even wear a one piece into the shower. Thank you Dorian for thinking of me anyway. By the way, how’s your friend Nairod these days? I do lead a difficult life.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015 15:52

Cleaning Service - no charge!

Dear Hillary,

Met a nice bird in a new bar the other day and went back to see her last night, but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen, then one of the service ladies said that she had been asking if I’d been in. What does this sound like to you Hillary? Genuine interest or not? What’s the next move?



Dear Brian,

I spelled your name wrong as I typed my reply. I had written “Brain”, when obviously you haven’t got one, or if you do, you’re not using it! Of course she’s got a genuine interest in you, or what’s in your trouser pocket at least (and not the famous trouser snake). Your wallet, Brian my Petal. She’s very interested in that. And in all the folded bits of paper (except it’s plastic these days) in that wallet. You are forgetting, or maybe you didn’t know, she is in the wallet cleaning business and you are lining yourself up for a good old clean out. Get real, use your brain, Brian. Your next move is to high tail it to the next bar where there are other wallet cleaners looking for Brians with no brains!

Wednesday, 15 April 2015 15:47

Staying with Mama? Or with the Gik?

Staying with Mama? Or with the Gik?

You might think this is a trivial problem, but it isn’t for me. About a year ago I set up home with a Thai girl, who is many years my junior. This does not seem to bother her, though it bothers me at times. Her family comes from the north east and I have been up there and met them, and they seemed nice enough farming folks. They accepted me quite readily, but I always felt a little left out at the family gatherings as they can only speak Thai and my girl had to translate all the time. (They also drink that awful Lao khao stuff!) For this reason, and because I am busy at work, I have not been back up there, though my girl does go up frequently. Is this the usual way families behave in this country? If it is, I will say nothing, but she will often go back for two or three days, the last being for the Songkran holiday. She also often extends the stay from two or three days to up to 10 days on one occasion. Have I anything to worry about?

The Worrier


Dear Worrier,

You may have lots to worry about, or nothing at all. Are you worrying because you think she is not going back to the family rice paddy? I am having to try and read between the lines too much here. It is very usual for daughters to go home and pay respects to their family, and often contribute financially as well. Does your lady have children there that are being looked after by her Mama? Honestly, Petal, it sounds very normal to me. Talk to your friends who have been married to a Thai girl for some time. You’ll find it is the norm in this country. Caring and following the family principles will carry over to you as well, if you allow her to follow her traditions. In the meantime you can always see your doctor for some anti-worrying pills.

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