Wednesday, 15 October 2014 16:22

Is life really hopeless?

Dear Hillary,

Don’t you get tired of all these hopeless people writing in with hopeless problems that cannot be answered the way they want. What do you do to shake off the problems they dump on you?



Dear Eric,

That’s my job, Petal. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to take the problems on board for them. Sure, some I cannot help, but even if just by writing in helps a bit, then it is all worthwhile. And how do I relax after a heavy day at the Agony Aunt desk? I listen to Leonard Cohen and decide that no matter how dark and depressive the music, life is still what you make of it, and always beats the alternative!

Wednesday, 15 October 2014 16:21

Are they all cheaters?

Dear Hillary,

Are Thai women naturally cheaters, or do they just seize opportunities? I caught out my fan of five years after she admitted cheating when she came home drunk one night. As she had been faithful up till then, we discussed and I forgave and she seemed to be her old self again. But I then caught her again six weeks later! The discussion wasn’t worth much when the opportunity came up again. So, Hillary, is this normal Thai behavior? I am weighing up my own opportunities here.



Dear Jerry,

You probably won’t believe me, but this is not “normal” Thai behavior. With recurrent cheating, which goes deeply into your total relationship, you have a big problem, Petal. It will take some forgiving to get over this one. Do not expect too much too soon, I’m sorry. You sound like a nice man, Jerry.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014 16:17

20 minutes of rumpy-pumpy!

Dear Hillary,

In the latest edition I read again from poor foreigners complaining about Thai ladies. What do they expect? Do you really think that a sexy young beautiful lady wants an old ugly foreigner with beer belly? Let us be honest, all they want is their money and who are we to blame them if some foreigners behave so stupid. I am 59 and have a lovely friend 45 years young. She still has great looks, and more importantly we can talk on the same level. I don’t have anything to tell to a 25 years old as that is a completely other generation. There are enough great ladies in Pattaya in their forties who still look great and with good brains, also important if you want to live with someone I think. The 60 plus section who come to look for “Fresh young girls” should think of the fact that most of that young ladies also want a fresh young man. Have you ever thought about that? Ladies who want to escape from their poor life, just do that for the money and the promises some foreigners make them, but once in Europe they face other problems and get disappointed very quick as they found out that in Europe or elsewhere it is the same struggle for life. Many poor ladies get misled because they think that for example 100,000 baht a month is a lot of money, and it is...in Chiang Mai, but not in Belgium or Germany where it is only an average income. My friend is well educated and knows the differences between the West and the East. To put it simply, stop fooling yourselves and others and try to find or get a realistic relationship, you won’t regret it, I am sure.



Dear Willy,

I am so pleased to see you are thinking with your head and not with the (eponymous) organ, my Petal. There is so much more to any relationship than 20 minutes of sweaty rumpy-pumpy (and 20 minutes is probably an exaggeration for most of the over-60’s viagorous exercises). The ability to communicate on a similar level is even more important when you are contemplating mixed races. If all you want is the nocturnal nookie, then buy it and don’t waste your time and money on 24/7 relationships which will always be unsatisfactory in the end, and leave you writing to Ms. Hillary saying your wallets had a spring clean and vacuum. Thank you for a clear and lucid letter, Willy. Your lady (and you) are lucky people.

Wednesday, 08 October 2014 16:08


Dear Hillary,

Where did you study history? Certainly not in Australia or Tasmania. I don’t think you studied any African history either. The Chinese have certain recollections of the “concession” ports they had to cede while their people were addicted to opium grown in India all for British profit. And among the many massacres who have been more prolific than the British? Who has been crueler or more self interested than they? The Native American experience was a horrible one. Perhaps if we had successfully spoken German we would have been more peaceful than you. It is enough to make me want to send “Long shanks” back to Scotland to clear up your misconceptions and historical errors. No British genocides? My god! Hillary I have held my peace this past week, but you deserve this and more because you chose to denigrate an ally to your country while you overlook the 180 countries Britain has invaded.



Dear Robert,

Pray tell, just why is it you think I “deserve this”? I have never been to Tasmania, though I am told they only use 10 surnames and that includes the sheep. (Joke, Robert, told to me by an Aussie.) Is all this because a Scotsman pointed a finger at America? It wasn’t me, Petal, it was Don who called himself “an articulate, multilingual Scotsman looking forward to independence from the remnants of the Empire.” Well, unfortunately for Don, the No Vote was more than the Yes Vote, but now I am getting the blame for Don’s “misconceptions and historical errors.” “Longshanks” didn’t come within a 10 baht taxi ride on a songthaew either, but he was very good at raising taxes I believe. He would have fitted in well with today’s ruling political parties (other than Tasmania). Now can we get back to heartbroken swains and female accountants who work in beer bars?

Wednesday, 08 October 2014 16:07

Time for tea

Dear Hillary,

This sounds silly, but I come over as a tourist from the UK three times a year. The only thing I really miss is my cup of tea in the mornings. Where can I get a good cup of tea?



Dear Jenny,

Tea never sounds silly. In Japan they make a ceremony out of serving delicate cups of tea. Chinese green tea is said to be slimming. Indian teas are reputed to be healing, Pitta tea with its mix of Cardamom, Liquorice, Ginger, Cinnamon and rose petals is recommended for it’s cooling effect and to balance the mind and body when irritable and impatient. Being a Brit, I am guessing that you are addicted to Twinings Earl Grey or Lemon Scented. My advice to you is either bring your own over, or buy it here from one of the local grocery markets, such as Friendship. Then again have you ever tasted the great Thai tea? A lot of little roadside restaurants make it. It is just a matter of wandering around and asking, “Cha ron mai?” that means “Hot Tea no?” It comes in a glass, hot, a bright orange color with a lemony taste. Drink it without milk and just a squeeze of lemon. Enjoy.

Wednesday, 08 October 2014 16:06

When is short too short?

Dear Hillary,

I know Thai girls wear mini-skirts, but the office girl at work seems to be wearing shorter skirts every day. Should I say anything to her, or would she take offence? This is a genuine question, Hillary.


Dear Alan,

What’s wrong? Has she got lousy legs? But before you do something you might regret, is it your position to say anything to her, are you her employer? If so, and you must do something, very tactfully explain that you would prefer her to wear knee length skirts or dresses, because you do not want to get any of the clients over excited. If you are not her boss, then I guess you just have to grin and bear it, although it sounds as if she’s the one grinning and baring it. You could always wolf-whistle every time she passes and say, “Ooh ooh ohh, sexy knickers!” Bear in mind though that she might resign - or is that “bare” in mind? Oh, forget it!

Wednesday, 08 October 2014 16:06

After the holiday is over

Dear Hillary,

Please to read this because it is real and a big problem for me. I cannot understand the farang man. They say they do everything for you and then they not do. They say they not forget you and to send money and they not do, or maybe do for one two month only. Why they do this to Thai lady? I do everything for them and stay in room with them.



Dear Nana,

Thank you for your letter, and your English is good enough. No problem. Hillary knows it can be very difficult to understand the farang way of thinking and speaking. Even after many years it is still difficult, because you are a Thai and think like a Thai. They are farang and think in a different way. What is important for you is not always so important for them. You must also remember that when they are over here on holidays, it is very different to their own country, so they will often say things they do not really mean. Sorry, but that is the truth. Enjoy the company while they are here, but that’s all.

Wednesday, 01 October 2014 17:15

Any embalmers out there?

Dear Hillary,

I am a regular shopper at Central World Mall. In the last few weeks I have noticed that a new mannequin in one of the stores looks just like my deceased neighbor. I have passed this mannequin from many directions and the resemblance is uncanny. In every way - noose (sic), cheekbones, hair, etc. I can look at it from any angle. It looks like the neighbor I was friendly with. Even the clothes that the mannequin was wearing is the kind of lightweight windbreaker jacket my neighbor would wear. It is unbelievable that this mannequin looks so much like my neighbor. Is it possible to contact the Central World Mall management to propose to buy this mannequin (after its use) so I may present it to my neighbor’s family? They would think this would be a very sentimental gesture. I think his co-workers would also like to have him remembered, so having him there would be good, therapeutic behavior for all. I was told to write to your column Heart to Heart with Hillary since you have such good reputation, after I inquired about buying this mannequin from the sales lady. (Very courteous, I might add.) I feel miscommunicated. They do not want to see me at all. One security guard even suggested that I might meet the same karma as the Men in Black General in 2010. He got a severe headache I was told. No further info given. But the Sales Lady was very helpful with my socks purchase. I got one pair in wool with small cute reindeers. Please Hillary, advise?


Dear Ted,

Are you asking my advice about the woolly socks and reindeers? Personally, I would imagine woolly socks to be a bit hot in this country, though the reindeers are a cooling influence I should imagine. Have you tried polyester and cotton mix? Much more suited to our tropical climate. The other mannequin problem. I believe I know what is happening here. The mannequin that looks exactly like your neighbor, is your neighbor, but he has been embalmed so that there is no decay. He is on loan to Central World (although they will deny it of course). You will find that after the sock promotion is over, the mannequin will be sent back to your neighbors.

Dear Hillary,

Reportedly, women bathing nude are healthier and wealthier than their prudish peer group.



Dear Don,

I would be very interested to find where you got these amazing reports. And what kind of bathing were they looking at? Sun bathing? Home bathtubs? Japanese hot tubs? Jacuzzi? I have also asked my friends and they all say that they take their clothes off to bathe. Was this what you meant?

Wednesday, 01 October 2014 17:12

The Hillary Guide to good girl relationships

Dear Hillary,

There must be a way to see the difference between your “good” girls and the “bad” girls - the bar girls that we’ve all met and enjoyed their company. Your “good” girls look like more trouble than they are worth to be honest. Dinner only with a girlfriend along as well. Parents who don’t trust any farang. All come from families that have more money than me. Why bother? Both of them ending up cleaning your wallet as far as I can see. What about it, Hills?


Dear Johnny,

Seems to me that you are lonely, my Petal. And if that is your reason for going looking, then the professionals know how to keep a man happy in a short time. You don’t have to worry about keeping them happy. But if you are looking at a long time companion, and judging by the cries of woe that I get weekly from problems with the professionals, then you are better off staying away from the ladies of the night and looking for someone who has a regular job, no buffaloes and no brother with a motorcycle. So you’ve got two women to dinner, not one. The friend might be even better looking than the first one! You never know your luck in a big city.

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