Wednesday, 06 May 2015 13:33

First date frustration

Dear Hillary,

Found the “nice” girl you are always telling us to look for, but I had hoped for a bit more than holding hands. Not even a kiss goodnight and that was on the second date, not the first. I mean I am not looking for my life’s partner here, but a bit better response is needed if I am going to keep on looking for your “nice” ones.



Dear Jacq,

Have you stopped to consider that you may not be the “nice” chap she hoped you would be. It looks to me as if sex is all you want from the relationship, and if so, the place for you is in the go-go bar, where the girls there know what and why and how much. And your name “Jacq”, where does that come from Petal?

Wednesday, 06 May 2015 13:32

Chasing a dream?

Dear Hillary,

I don’t believe the bar girls are anymore “out for what they can get” than the fellows pursuing them. They have a job, often entertaining foreign undesirables, do it well and deserve what they earn. The percentage of “baddies” is quite low!



Dear Johan,

I agree with you, Petal. As I have written in this column for many years, the ladies from the bars are doing a job, bringing in millions of tourist dollars, and as you point out, “entertaining foreign undesirables.” However, let us not forget that their “occupation” is still against the law. Not a well-policed law, but it is there in the statutes, nevertheless. I do receive reports of successful marriages between bar girls and foreigners, but I also get a greater number of sad letters from disillusioned men.

Dear Hillary,

What is the real deal on getting married in the village? I came over last year and met a nice girl who looked after me for the two weeks. I did send her some money afterwards, but nothing regular. I let her know I am coming over again in December and she wants to know the dates as she wants to take me to her village where she says we can get married and that way I will know that she will always wait for me. She will stay in the village with her mother when I am not in Thailand. I reckon it’s all a bit rushed, but she really is a stunner and I like the idea of having her waiting for me, and I’d come over more often than just Xmas time. Looks great, but I’m just not 100 percent sure. What do you think?



Dear Rob,

I don’t know how old you are, but I get the feeling you are fairly young. You also did not say where you met your future “bride”, but I will guess in some bar or other. Sorry Petal, but you will be running for a huge disappointment if you go up country and marry your sweetheart that you have known all of two weeks. She won’t stay in the village, but will be luring some other young chap with the promise of marriage as well. These girls are very good at selling the dream. If it helps you to make up your mind, village weddings are not even recognized as legal weddings, even by the Thai government, let alone your own one. No Rob, don’t do it!

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:47

A cross cross-dresser

Dear Hillary,

Some time ago I dressed in a women’s outfit for my girlfriend now my ex she informed my in laws of what I did and they are not pleased with me as it was a shock for me to get an email from them and now want nothing to do with me. I am going out with new girl and very happy. I have some personal details that would hurt my ex but I am in shock as she promised she would not tell anyone what I did and when I called to ask her what she had said she told me she did not tell anyone. I am in shock and do not know where to turn as I am ashamed.

Please help.

Thank you


Dear Thank you,

All this about a bit of harmless cross-dressing. Just what are you on about, my Petal? Cross dressing is everywhere. Even I have been known to wear a pair of trousers. Forget it and get on with life.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:47

Tesco losing a customer

Dear Hillary,

Thanks for the drubbing you gave me today, it cheered me up... a bit. I hope to avoid dragging myself to Tesco in the snow in the UK by spending my winters here from now on. I noticed in that Adrian Farmer cartoon you were depicted in a very unlady-like pose, Hillary!

Ken Morley-ish


Dear Ken,

I am truly glad that I managed to cheer you up, even just a bit. You sounded so depressed before. Please don’t get any lascivious (that’s a nice word) thoughts in your head over Dorian Farmer’s cartoon. That is a very strange form of voyeurism.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:32

Loving Songkran?

Dear Hillary,

I have just finished washing the car after the usual Songkran madness. I know it is supposed to be Thai New Year, but all I see is an opportunity for young Thais to plaster white paste on girl’s faces, jump up and down (it certainly ain’t dancing) and aggressively hit motorcyclists in the face with a face full of ice cold water. If that is fun, count me out. I should add that I know there are plenty of westerners in the water wars around the bar areas, but they have no idea what Songkran was meant to be. The Thai people do know, but just ignore the real significance.



Dear Tom,

While I agree with some of your letter, you forget that Thais are fun-loving people (and that’s why the westerners love us) and any excuse for a party will do, and what better than the Thai New Year? If it upsets you so much, why don’t you go to Singapore for the week, so you miss all of it.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:27


Dear Hillary,

You are always crying out for champain (sic) and choclates (sic) when youre (sic) giving advise. Don’t you know there (sic) bad for you? Why do you do it?



Dear Jason,

You didn’t do well at school, did you Jason. Failed O Levels, especially (sorry about using a big word, Petal) spelling. I can see I will have to go through this slowly for you. Champagne and chocolates (note the correct spelling, that’s a boy) are full of calories and because I am underweight, I need the calories to put it back on. I am addicted you could say, and a daily bottle of bubbly would overextend (oops, there I go again with long words, sorry) my budget, so that’s why I look for generous correspondents (people who write in, Petal) in the column. I’m sure you understand. Mark the bottle “For Hillary only” and leave it at the office.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:20


Dear Hillary,

These women here are strange creatures. Hot as hell one day and damn icebergs the next and I have absolutely no idea what brings it on. Had a couple of live-ins and I’ve had to give them both the door. Is there some way of finding out what these girls are like before you get too far into the relationship? It doesn’t seem to matter how much salary you pay them, if they get in a snit, that’s it.



Dear Marty,

You are certainly all heart, aren’t you. Pay “them” a salary and you think you own the woman and how she feels. What sort of relationship is that, my Petal? Your “live-ins” are merely “rented wives” (mia chow) and they have no compulsion in leaving, generally by being non-communicative, after which you will have to “buy” them out so they will leave. Marty, you’ve met your match, and you are getting what you deserve. Maids get salaries, partners are not maids, and it is time men like you realized the difference. Any woman who is willing to be your live-in is not trying to impress you. It is a straight out financial arrangement, and the contract can be broken by either side - but if you say it’s over, then you will pay again! Get out of the financial arena and find some nice genuine Thai women who would like to share their lives with you.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:28

Missing alias?

Dear Hillary,

I have been seeing a girl from the local and she gave me her phone number. Good, I thought, we’re going to the next step in this relationship. Last weekend I had nothing to do, so I sent her an SMS and she replied, “What name you?” I thought she must be joking and wrote back “George!” The reply floored me “What George?” Do you think I have been reading too much into the relationship?



Dear Robbie,

You’ve got me confused here, just how do you think she can handle all this? You send an SMS with no name, then you send another calling yourself “George” and then you write to me, calling yourself “Robbie”. Just who are you? Robbie Burns perhaps pretending to be George Burns? Or the other way round? But I think both of them are dead. Face facts George/Robbie, she meets people with no names every day. On that day you were probably the third “George”, and she is just trying to work out, which one of you has the most money.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:27

Apple Cider Vinegar

Dear Hillary,

You got asked a couple of weeks back by Roger with a bad back what to do in the horizontal gymnastic business. Roger, try apple cider vinegar which has relieved a lot of people or exercise (plenty of good ideas on the internet) or lying on your side but... whatever you do don’t go to a surgeon, here or anywhere. Your pain won’t diminish but your bank account will simply disappear! My problem same magnified by she, 38, me 81! But ACV did it for me.



Dear Don,

Your ACV is most interesting. Do you drink it, rub it on or splash it on French fries?

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