Wednesday, 04 November 2015 13:10

Is romance dead?

Dear Hillary,

Had a heated discussion (argument) the other night in the bar. Are Thai women romantic, it was all about. I say that they are, but my drinking buddies all say not. They said that all they are interested in are large amounts of gold, and the larger the better. Surely there are still some ladies out there who appreciate wine and chocolates (apart from you, Hillary)? I need you to back me up here, Hillary.



Dear Ross,

Such a lovely thought – wine and chocolates, but I prefer champagne and chocs. Of course there are romantic ladies left in Thailand, other than myself. It sounds to me as if your drinking buddies are looking for ladies from the wrong watering holes. The professional ladies who come to the surface with the buffalos in tow are certainly only looking for gold. That is their business, their profession (and an old one at that). However, by looking in the universities, offices and even department stores, you will find ladies who appreciate being appreciated. You are correct, Ross. Your friends are taking too narrow a sample to base their findings. You don’t have rose colored glasses. Your drinking buddies are looking at life through beer glasses.

Wednesday, 04 November 2015 13:09

Miss you too mut, dahling

Dear Hillary,

If the Thai women are as grasping as it would seem, surely if they were all that bad, word would have gotten out by now. I get the impression that they’ve been given a bad name and it has stuck. Sure there has to be a few rotten apples, but am I correct that the bad ones are a small percentage only?



Dear Puzzled,

It is not correct of me to comment on the bar girls as a group, but there is certainly a good percentage of them out for what they can get. Certainly these are the ones whose men ‘friends’ end up writing to me. Provided the male holidaymaker understands the ground rules, everyone is a winner. But it is the men who mistake financial arrangements for romance who fall for the “I lub you too mut, dahling.” There are enough books out there, there are enough internet sites out there about this side of a Thai holiday, and the heart-rending advice from yours truly as well. Nobody should be puzzled, Petal. Not even you.

Wednesday, 04 November 2015 13:06

An invitation to dinner

Dear Hillary,

I would like to invite one of the girls from my work to go to dinner, but I am unsure of the way to go about it in Thailand. I have found that she is single, and apparently does not have a Thai boyfriend. She is very reserved, and I am told she comes from a “good” family. Should I offer to have someone as a chaperone? Or is this not necessary these days?



Dear Andy,

Goodness me! There is an old-style gentlemen left in this world! Honestly, my Petal, most educated Thai women are quite emancipated these days, but if you want to be very politically correct, I would suggest you just ask her if she would have dinner with you next Thursday night, and if she would like to bring a friend, that is quite alright by you. If she turns you down, I will keep Thursday night free, as long as there is French champagne on the menu!

Wednesday, 28 October 2015 13:24

Malapropism on two wheels

Dear Hillary,

It’s Evil here, not much happening on the motorcycle front, just the occasional sounding the horn and giving the two finger salute. Not sure if Thai motorists or motorcyclists understand what it all actually means but it gets rid if my anger. I am up to G in the dictionary Hillary and found the word Generic recently. It fits the Thai motorist and motorcyclist perfectly. Why you ask? Well they cannot turn their heads left or right as you can see when they come out of a side street into a major road. It has to be a generic problem don't you think Hillary? Also a problem exists with their legs, if the 7/11 is more than twenty meters away the thought of walking, well it would be out of the question. So there we have a problem that the world’s medical profession could look into Hillary and I know you are the lady who would know who to speak too regarding it. Don't get me wrong Hillary, that book I wrote about my life is thirty percent of good things that have happened to me in Thailand, all from Thai people. I could not wish to find any better anywhere and that's for sure. But foreigners beware when asking directions. I was visiting the big smoke to renew my Australian passport Hillary, on heading from a BTS station to the Consulate I thought I will ask a Thai council worker (road sweeper) to confirm I was going in the right direction. Oh No I was told, well five kilometers later I did arrive at the Australian Consulate, which was in fact about 300 meters from where I spoke with the council worker. Well sorry for the long winded letter Hillary, please keep us all smiling. Time to look for a Halloween outfit, although if you saw me I know what you would say...Bye for now,



Dear Evil,

You remind me of the Irish road sweeper who when asked which was the road to Dublin, said that if he was going to Dublin, he wouldn’t be leaving from there. 55555! Now, my little Petal, you will have to be more careful when reading your dictionary. “Generic”? I don’t think so. A couple of lines further down you will see “genetic” which refers to a condition inherited from the elders in the family, passed on through the genes, which is what you meant. Correct? Please note the distinction between genes and jeans. Both can have a part to play in the reproduction cycle, so be careful, especially when giving two finger salutes. I also have it on good authority that Aussies can speak English, but don’t like to! I thought it was only me who has to have a dictionary on her desk.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015 13:23

The disappearing band

Dear Hillary,

I’m from the UK and went to hear a local band that was advertised as playing at a music venue in Pattaya Dark Side. I was told they were a great band, so I was looking forward to it. When I got there, it was packed so I thought I’d come back later after having something to eat. When I did come back, the parking was no problems and there was another (Thai) band playing as the first big-name band had been asked to leave the stage, and let the local house band take over. Is this common in Thailand? There’d be a riot if that happened in England. We go to hear the top liners, not the house bands. That place will never see me again.



Dear Marvin,

Are you really Marvin Gaye? Of course you’re not, since he’s very dead, so you must be the Marvin who’s gay? Relax! Take it easy Petal, I’m just trying to put out the fire. I have heard of these situations before, and it takes a brave man (or a foolhardy one) to substitute bands after the customers have arrived. It doesn’t do any good for anyone and will result in lost customers I imagine. Well, they’ve lost you.

Wednesday, 28 October 2015 13:21

Advice from the bar

Dear Hillary,

Local pub mates tell me all that Thai women are interested in is money, money, money. I am in a long time relationship with a Thai woman, but she is a lot younger than me. Is she interested in me, or money? If it’s money she hides it pretty well. Who should I believe?



Dear John,

No, my Petal, Thai women are not just interested in money. For example, I am also interested in chocolates and champagne. All women are interested in finding a mate who can support them and their children (and the family in Thailand). Why should any woman be interested in marrying a pauper? Would you? There are not too many couples you could call Romeo and Juliette in the world, but there are thousands of successful marriages, which exist for the mutual benefit of both parties. I am not saying that ‘romance’ is dead, but likewise a union based on an unreal expectation is also headed for the scrap heap. If you and your lady are happy as you are, with the money you have or haven’t got, then just enjoy life and don’t spend time worrying about what other people say in bars.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 14:21

Sparkling, sensational, super and sexy

Dear Hillary,

I’m in trouble again. Met this crazy bird who had me eating out of her hand within 10 minutes. Sparkling, sensational, super and sexy. I took her home and read all of the above. Had to miss the next two nights as I was sent to Chiang Mai for work, but when I came back from up north, she didn’t want to know me. Didn’t want a lady drink, nothing. It was as if I never existed and the sexy night we had before never happened. What am I supposed to do now?



Dear Jimmy,

What do you want for your 16th birthday, Petal? You have a long way to go yet in the battleground called “women”. You fell for a professional lady of the night, who was doing her job, and very well too, it would seem. But just by bobbing up again like a rabbit from a gopher hole, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, doesn’t change the way she acts. Go to a better bar, and grow up. Or rather, grow up first and then go to a bar. And, by the way, I think you are telling porky pies.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 14:19

Barefoot and pregnant

Dear Hillary,

I think my steady GF will be moving in shortly, and I’ve got no problems with that – other than the fact she can’t cook. You see, Hillary, I can’t cook either. Burn water if I try to cook it! Is there a cooking school round here anywhere that I could send her to?



Dear Rodj,

Woman’s place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant? That’s the message you’re giving me. I’m so glad to see that chauvinism isn’t dead. Look, Petal, there’s not much cooking required with milk and breakfast cereal and all other meals are catered for by the food carts at the street corner. Sounds to me like you are getting cold feet worrying about warm evenings.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 14:18

Broomstick for rent

Dear Hillary,

The traffic in Pattaya has got to the ridiculous stage. Why anyone would leave the traffic jams of Bangkok to get in the line for the traffic jams in Pattaya is beyond me. Don’t the city fathers understand what is going on and what can be done to help the situation?



Dear Neil,

It’s a bit out of my league, Petal. I’m much more at home dealing with the queues of broken hearted tourists forming a weeping jam in Walking Street. Mind you, I don’t have any problems with the traffic, as I use my broom to go anywhere these days!

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 14:17

Karaoke obsession

Dear Hillary,

What is the attraction of karaoke bars for Thai people? My Thai GF and her friends all end up in one of these places after work and they can spend hours there. The Pattaya Mail’s Dr. Iain, in one of his books, stated that karaoke was Japan’s revenge for WW2 and I agree with him. People singing out of tune in front of a TV screen being used as an auto prompter machine is certainly not entertainment as far as I am concerned. They don’t seem to care about singing ability either, and the screams of enjoyment is certainly not music to the ears either.



Dear (Judgmental) Jason,

Have you some deep-down problem with karaoke itself, or karaoke and your Thai GF and friends. Do they spend “hours there” which you feel is eating into your time with your GF? I am also not a lover of karaoke, which is why you won’t find me at one of these places, but the people who do enjoy it are not hurting anyone, so you should not get so uptight, my Petal. Go and watch football with your mates and holler every time a goal is scored, and maybe you will find that this is a relief from the stresses of living, just as your GF does with her karaoke friends.

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