Wednesday, 27 January 2016 14:01

Cheap Charlie looking for inexpensive lady!

Dear Hillary,

Found the nice girl and now looking for somewhere to go for the first date. She’s in her late 20’s, likes music, says she can eat European food and OK with wine. Got any suggestions for me? I don’t want to spend too much as it’s the first date, but don’t want to look like a Cheap Charlie.



Dear Scotty,

You haven’t given me much to work on. She’s late 20’s (that means 35), likes music. What kind, Petal? Heavy Metal or Chamber music, or karaoke? And has black hair and dark brown eyes. And will eat spaghetti and sprinkles chilli powder on it. And, Oh Yes, you don’t want to be seen as the Cheap Charlie you really are. My suggestion is to go to Jomtien Beach Road and into one of those large restaurants that make everything, farang or Thai, not too expensive and they generally have a live band as well. That do?

Wednesday, 27 January 2016 14:00

Oooh! An invitation from a sexy man.

Dear Hillary,

Happy New Year, though I’m about a month late! I’ll be back in Party Town by March and I’ve learned not to go looking for the same girl I had with me for the six weeks. Did that once and spent half my holiday looking and then three weeks regretting. No, there’s plenty of lovely girls out there and I’m sure I will get looked after. Long winded, but would you like to have dinner with me and her (whoever she is) one night? You name it and it’s yours. You have given me so much good advice over the years, this is a ‘thank you’.



Dear Jimmy,

Aren’t you the sweetest thing, but you wouldn’t want to go to dinner with a gorgeous little thing on one arm, and an old lady well past her prime on the other. I don’t dance these days, even with a chrome pole to hang onto. Very slow crossing the street and in bed by 8.15 at night. No, Petal, thank you for the invitation, but you enjoy yourself with Miss Gorgeous Little Thing.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016 14:59

The patter of tiny feet?

Dear Hillary,

Need your words of wisdom here. My GF is the sweetest thing and a delight to be with. We only have one problem and that is about whether we should have a family. She is 37, never had kids, while I am 65 and had four kids back in my home country, all grown up by now. She wants a kid before she turns 40, but I’ve done my raising kids. I keep trying to tell her that I’d be 75 by the time they finished primary school, but that doesn’t stop her. What’s your experience of this, Hillary?



Dear Gerry,

With such an age gap you must have thought about this before. She can see her chances of having children disappearing, while you are running away as fast as your 65 year old legs will carry you. It is time the two of you sat down and discussed this. She may have to trade her wish for children against a nice income from you, while you might have to trade your relaxed retirement for young children. One of you will be the loser here, I’m afraid, Petal. The only other scenario is for you both to go your separate ways, and in many ways I think that may be the only outcome. Sorry if this wasn’t the advice you were hoping to get.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016 14:58

The Big O makes a come-back

Dear Hillary,

I was being sarcastic in describing myself as a ‘Roy Orbison Tribute Artiste’; I am an elderly, severely sight impaired Englishman; I have been likened to the Big O before now, which I always resented because I always thought he was really ugly. I’ll defend bar girls as ‘decent’, until proved otherwise, due to the nature of the work they have to do: being pawed and mauled by some of the most repulsive men on the planet, and I’m not just talking about being physically repulsive here. A lot of these men treat them like dirt, which they are not; they are escorts and should be treated with respect ... and caution. If I could see better I’d take full advantage of the bar scene to look for a partner here in Thailand, because trying to find a ‘nice’ Thai GF is a minefield that I can’t afford mentally or physically right now.

Lemmy Thinkalike (before he was dead obviously)


Dear Lemmy Thinkalike,

Did you see they are trying to make a Jack Daniels and Coke to be officially known as a “Lemmy”? Though, hang on for a second, you can’t see, as you said. That must be a real problem for you in some of those poorly illuminated bars, but I am sure you will find some willing ladies who will help the visually impaired, as they say. With all the political correctness we are not allowed to refer to you as half blind. Personally I think it is all nonsense. So do you really look like the Big O? Dark glasses and all? But as you told me, it doesn’t matter in the bars, in actual fact it is what your wallet looks like that is important, or should I say, what’s in your wallet that’s important. You sound like a nice man, Lemmy Thinkalike, so I hope they can do something for your eyesight. If they can’t, just grab the hand of the girl on the stool next to you and she will guide you down the street (to the nearest ATM).

Wednesday, 20 January 2016 14:56

Dowries again

Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF has been living with me for six months, and I have been up to her home town to meet her folks, and they seem to be OK sort of people. She has a little girl which her mother looks after. My girl is now saying that her parents expect us to get married and we must go back to her village for the ceremony, and that I am expected to pay the dowry for her as well as paying for the monks and the marriage ceremony and party. I asked her how much did they expect and she tells me around 200,000 baht will cover everything. Honestly Hillary, that is a lot of money, being a bit close to 4,000 pounds, and I don’t know that I really want to go through this at that sort of money. I understand this may be the custom out here, but I want your opinion on it.



Dear Alby,

This question comes up often. Dowries are still expected in some regions of Thailand, but 200,000 baht is a bit steep for a blushing bride you met in a bar, who has already had one child being looked after by her mother. Any contract of marriage should not be entered into when there are doubts, and you are certainly showing more than a few doubts (not that I blame you). You do not say how long you have been in Thailand, but I get the feeling you are a newcomer. A ‘real’ marriage, which is recognized in both Thai law and the UK, is not the one in the village, but is done at the local amphur office. You asked for my opinion, Petal, and here it is – get your running shoes on and leg it!

Wednesday, 13 January 2016 14:59

Here we go again

Dear Hillary,

Welcome to 2016 which will have lots of the same problems as 2015. I already have the son of some friends back in the UK crying on my shoulder because the love of his life from Soi Half Dozen went out with someone else last week. That was after he gave her 20,000 baht because she was behind in her rent. What can be done about these young chaps?



Dear Alex,

Were you never young once? Did you never fall in love? It is so easy for young chaps to meet our professional girls and be taken in by them. The ones who can easily get a young man to hand over the contents of his wallet to assist the damsel in distress. Honestly Alex, if you look through previous issues of Pattaya Mail you will see the same story cropping up regularly. They are advised to read Money Number 1 by Neil Hutchinson, Private Dancer by Stephen Leather, and to look at Mike Baird’s cartoons of the ‘real’ life in Pattaya, but they don’t, do they? The old jokes about leaving their brains at the airport as they arrive is too common – and it isn’t just the young men either, my Petal, but many of your age and even older fall for the ladies of the night. What can you do for the son of your friends? Just give him a shoulder to cry on, and don’t lend him any money!

Wednesday, 13 January 2016 14:58

When enough is enough

Dear Hillary,

My live-in GF has started going out with “the girls” and getting back at 2 a.m., then 3 a.m. and even later with the best being 11 a.m. the next morning. I am supposed to believe that they go to restaurants and karaoke bars and drink and have a few laughs. Is this usual? I am getting tired of this.


Dear James,

A “few laughs”? The laughs are on you, James. You are being used by your GF. There’s more than just drinks there. Show her the door as soon as possible. It will cost you some money as a good bye gift, but it is better than living with someone who is not thinking about you at all.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016 14:57

Left with a red face

Dear Hillary,

I’ve noticed a lot of Thai girls go red in the face when drinking beer. Is it just that their (sic) [they’re] not used to alcohol the way we are or something else?



Dear Gerald,

I had to do some research for you on this one, and this is what Mr. Google gave me: “Because of the association with Asian ancestry, alcohol flush reaction has also been referred to by such informal names as Asian flush syndrome, Asian flush, and Asian glow. Approximately 36 percent of East Asians (Japanese, Chinese, and Koreans) show a characteristic physiological response to drinking alcohol that includes facial flushing.” In addition, Wiki said the flushing is from “accumulation of acetaldehyde, a metabolic byproduct of the catabolic metabolism of alcohol, and is caused by an acetaldehyde dehydrogenase deficiency.” So there you are. It is all to do with your dehydrogenase. That was certainly something new for this column. Thank you for that my Petal.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016 14:56

Narcissus lives in Pattaya

Dear Hillary,

My letter is a little bit different from all the usual no-hopers and bleeding hearts who write in to you. On the opposite side of the coin, I’m a happy, single man, well off, get my pick of the ladies, so why am I writing to you? My only problem is that after a couple of nights, the ladies all want to move in with me. Some of them bring over not just a change of clothes, but a whole wardrobe full and then there’s the 33 different cosmetics around the bathroom sink. I have no intention of settling down – and why should I? Like I say, I get my pick, so why spoil it. You must have heard the saying ‘why buy a book when you can join a library?’



Dear Roger,

How lucky are you? You get to wake up with the most adorable man in the world, in your opinion – yourself. Time to change your name to Narcissus, though I would suggest you take all the mirrors down in your bathroom, or you might find yourself falling in love just like the long departed Narcissus. Poor Narcissus saw his reflection and fell in love with it, and could not be away from it, and pined to death looking into the pool. Meanwhile the nymph Echo who fell in love with Narcissus also pined away, just like your ‘lucky’ ladies who try and leave their clothes in your wardrobe and the whitener on the bathroom shelf. It is not often I can indulge myself in mythology and poetry, but Roger, read this little poem penned many years ago by William Cowper (AD 1731-1800) and entitled: “On an ugly fellow”

“Beware, my friend, of crystal brook

Or fountain, lest that hideous hook.

Thy nose, thou chance to see;

Narcissus’ fate would then be thine,

And self-detested thou would’st pine,

As self-enamored he.”

You may think you are God’s gift to women, but you’re just another meal ticket in this country, Petal.

Wednesday, 06 January 2016 13:34

A “decent” farang speaks out

Dear Hillary,

I’m really incensed by Art’s letter and your condoning response to it; he’s the type of ‘farang’ who gives us decent ones a lousy name. He doesn’t say why his long time GF left; she probably caught him at it with anything with a pulse. I think he should be chemically castrated for blatantly messing around with people’s emotions; he’s a GS/B/AH. And if trying to figure out what these initials stand for gives you brain strain Hillary, it serves you right for being so lax with him. Some of us older farangs would be grateful for the attentions of one decent woman, let alone three.

Roy Orbison Tribute Artiste


Dear Tribute Roy,

I really don’t know why you are pouring vitriol on my head. Just how do you make bar girls “decent” women? If you are just after any female, go to any bar and you will get as much attention as you would ever want. Mind you, you will pay for it. That’s why Art called them “professional” ladies. I don’t think I condoned the chap at all, Petal. I told him to run! Correct? However, I am amazed that a Big O tribute artist you have any time to be frequenting the same bars as Art.

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