Wednesday, 10 June 2015 14:08

Hello sexy man and others

Dear Hillary,

Do all Thai people ask you the most personal questions? Things like “How much money you make? You married yet? You got girlfriend? You want me to go with you?” Apart from the fact that this is considered a very rude way of starting a relationship in the UK, I also find it very embarrassing when I am over here. How do I get these people to stop doing this? You seem to have the answers for everyone else, so I hope you have some for me too.

Shy and Retiring

Dear Shy and Retiring,

Or is that Shy and Retired? You have to look at where are these women who ask such direct questions. My bet is in a bar somewhere. Be real and be thankful that ‘these people’ as you call them are interested enough in you to even ask questions. There’s only one thing worse than being a wall-flower at parties, and that’s not being asked at all. In actual fact, my Petal, those inquiries are very cleverly designed “standard” bar girl questions to see if you are worthwhile bothering with at all. If you have no money all interest will be lost immediately. Likewise if you are married they will want to know if “You marry Thai?” or whether your partner is waiting faithfully for you back home in the UK, while you contemplate the unfaithful ideas. Lighten up and when you are asked next time just say, “No money. Wife take all money to boy bar,” and then laugh a lot. They’ll get the message and you will be left happily lonely, then you can write me letters asking why does nobody talk to you!

Wednesday, 03 June 2015 15:25

Book learning

Dear Hillary,

I am starting to have doubts about my wife’s goings out all the time and rocking home in the small hours and usually well under the weather. Is there an easy way to check on her movements? I don’t want to hire a PI, because I don’t know just how trustworthy they are. I’ve heard of cases where they go to the wife and tell her they will say she’s not lying, for money of course. This way they get paid twice! A good little earn.



Dear James,

I have the answer - though I didn’t until I read Christopher G Moore’s new Calvino novel “Crack Down” where it suggests you can program her iPhone 6 to show where she is at all times. Easiest way is to get the programming done at the shop and give her the phone as a present. She will want to show it off to her friends, and there you are, just like a drone, watching her every move. Ooh it is exciting!

Wednesday, 03 June 2015 15:24

Are you there Prince Charming?

Dear Hillary,

I met a woman at the party last night and I can’t get her out of my mind. I didn’t get her name as we only briefly saw each other across the room, before she flitted away, so I haven’t even spoken to her, but there was that spark of magic there in her eyes promising just so much. Can you help me find her again? I think I am going mad with desire. She was wearing a yellow dress, and with her dark hair and dark eyes, the effect was fantastic. I must find her again.



Dear Prince,

What sort of a love struck calf are you, my myopic Petal? How would Hillary know where to find your lady with the bedroom eyes? Are you sure you weren’t watching a Cinderella DVD? All you have to do is travel the length and breadth of Pattaya with the glass slipper in your hand. Start with Soi 6, I’m sure you’ll get to meet the elusive “her”, though do be careful there’s a few not so elusive “hims” in that soi. On the other hand, how much money do you have? I’m sure that for the right amount of money I can find a yellow dress, and I’ve got the dark hair and dark circles around the eyes. Send me a photocopy of your bank book, that’s a lad!

Wednesday, 03 June 2015 15:23

Like a cold beer?

Dear Hillary,

I just don’t understand why people say they have negative experiences here. I’ve been to over 40 countries and my favorite by far is Thailand. Since the first time going to Pattaya, I have loved the people, atmosphere, weather, food, and the cold beer. Right now, I still cannot wait to return and have another wonderful vacation.

Can’t wait to get back!


Dear Can’t wait to get back,

I agree with you, Petal. As you say, “I have loved the people, atmosphere, weather, food, and the cold beer,” so what more could a young man (or an old man) want? I do believe that most of the people who have a negative experience have brought it upon themselves, and many of the long-stayers in Thailand say that for this group of long-stay complainers it is a case of “Som nam na”, as the Thais would say, or as the English speakers would say, “serves you right”. I have read very similar complaints and “problems” with ex-pats and visitors to Spain and South America, for example. But by the same token, there are many who really enjoy their times in exotic places. Look at Ronnie Biggs, for example, and what happened to him when he returned to the UK from Brazil. No, Can’t wait to get back, you stick with your positive mental attitude and enjoy yourself as always in the Land of Smiles. The cold beer sellers are looking forward to your return as well.

Wednesday, 03 June 2015 15:20

Isaan “cooking”

Dear Hillary,

I have a problem with my wife’s cooking. It’s not that she’s a bad cook or anything. She does a mean sausage, egg and chips these days, and even has a go at toad in the hole. So you think I should have no complaints. It’s not her British cooking that’s the problem - it’s when her girlfriends come over and they start cooking that Isaan stuff. The really, really, really bad smelling stuff. Honestly Hillary, when I walk in the door of the house I get hit with it. It’s so bad I come close to puking. She knows I hate the smell, but she does this at least twice a week. It puts me right off my food as well. What should I do? She’s a great woman, other than the Isaan cooking.

William, but they call me Bill


Dear William, but they call me Bill,

This is an easy one to fix, my Petal. All houses have a back door, and Isaan food should be cooked outside. Most homes that foreigners live in have two kitchens - one indoors for the sausage, egg and chips and the other outside for the Isaan, where the pungent smells just waft away with the afternoon’s breezes. The one outside is called the “Thai kitchen” and does not get used for toad in the hole, either.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015 13:37

A kiss on the first date?

Dear Hillary,

Is there a standard number of dates before you can kiss one of your “good” girls? It’s not like I’m trying to drag her kicking and screaming into the lion’s den, but while she is great company, there’s no sign of relaxing the no kissing rule. Surely five dates are enough? With the “bad” girls it’s all go after the first 30 seconds! So now you might see why 95 percent of blokes end up at the beer bars.



Dear Johnny,

It all depends upon what you want out of life. If your ambition is to prefer shallow relationships (“Hello sexy man, I lub you too mut.”) then the beer bar is the place you should be. But if you would like some intelligent conversations with someone who knows that Ubon isn’t the center of the galaxy, then look for the “good” girls. Sure, it will take a little more time than the beer bar’s 30 seconds, but hang in there, Petal. It’s worth it in the long run.

Dear Hillary,

My problem I believe to be a common one. The morning fight with the mixer tap for the shower. That little handle which you point to the right for cold, or left for hot, or maybe vice-versa since you can never remember in the morning. But it is worse than that. The pesky little lever has a hair trigger mechanism behind its chrome exterior. Move it one millimeter one way and the water is so hot it would take the fur off a moose. Move it one millimeter the other way and you freeze to death. It can also do this hot-cold trick on its own, usually when you are totally immersed with shampoo in your hair, and now in your eyes! How do I correct this problem? You are a lady of experience, so I’m sure you’ve met the problem and will have the answer for me.



Dear Faucet,

So I’m now an expert in hydroponics (no wait, that’s for growing organic lettuce), no it’s called hydrodynamics (I looked it up). I most certainly do have the answer for you, Faucet, my wet little Petal. You have to learn the old adage, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. You are in Thailand, so do what the Thais do - you have cold showers. The Thai people also found the impossible mixer tap problem, and fixed it by bringing the lever all the way to the right and letting it rip! See! That was easy!

Wednesday, 27 May 2015 13:35

Is this a troll?

Dear Hillary,

Unlike the usual guys who write to you complaining about their unfaithful girlfriend, I have twice the problem - two unfaithful girlfriends! What makes my problem even more tricky, is they don’t know about each other. I have their overnights on different days - one on even number days and the other on odd numbers. Sundays I have off for me, and a little dalliance at times. There’s nothing wrong with that. So, should I kick out number 1 or number 2 or both? Or should I just toss a coin?

Sunday, Sunday


Dear Sunday, Sunday,

It is obvious to me that you should use the coin tossing method, because you do sound like a bit of a tosser my Petal. Either that or you are trying to pull my leg, and you can stop imagining about my legs. Whatever, I do think this was a troll post.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015 13:33

Sam’s friendly loan service

Dear Hillary,

After getting to know one of the bar girls quite well in my local beer bar, she asked me for some money to send to her mother as her daughter was sick and stays with her mother. It wasn’t much, only 5,000 baht and I really didn’t care if she repaid me or not. The only problem is she’s come back to me twice more since then and it’s starting to add up. It’s now 25,000 baht and that’s getting up a bit, even if she doesn’t charge me anything any more for short-times and stuff. How do I tactfully tell her that there’s no more loans and I’d like her to start paying back the money I gave her? And please no sermons, my buddies are good at doing that, but they’ve got no answers for me.



Dear Sam (the sucker),

The whole situation revolves around the phrase “the money I gave her”. She looks upon it as a gift, which you did originally, but now you want to change it into a “loan”. It’s a little late for that, my Petal. No matter how many short-times, as you quaintly put it, you are never going to see the 25,000 baht again. How do you tell her tactfully that the well has run dry? Quite easily, next time she asks, just say no. She won’t fall apart, she’ll just move on to the next customer. That is the occupation that these girls have chosen. They live by their wits and the guilty consciences of the suckers they fleece. Kiss it good bye, literally and metaphorically.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015 11:51

Ain’t love grand!

Dear Hillary,

Is it possible to really get to know a Thai girl? I have been dating this girl from the local bar in Jomtien for almost three weeks now and we get along fantastically well. However, the other night she said that she was going to go to Sweden in June as her “Sweden boyfriend” was sending her a ticket and she had her visa to go. She never said anything about this bloke from Sweden before. How can you ever trust them? I am shattered, as I thought we had a good future together. Is it finished or what?



Dear Shattered,

“Is it finished or what?” How old are you, my dear young boy? A very young 20 something? It hasn’t even started! Look at it this way, Petal. If someone offered you a ticket to Brazil would you take it? Or would you say, “No, I’ve met this person in a bar two and a bit weeks ago and we get along fantastically well, so I’ll stay here and enjoy my lady drinks. Wake up! Good future? That will last until next payday.

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