Wednesday, 25 November 2015 14:38

The Heavyweight championships

Dear Hillary,

This is Evil here, I am hoping this letter will get to you in time to save “Andy”. Andy was the man asking about a chaperone when taking a girl out to dinner. Hillary, I invited a lady to dinner a while back, she asked if she could bring her best friend (a lady), I said certainly. The three of us met at the restaurant which was fine, until three more ladies arrived to sit with us, all who were introduced as sisters of the lady I invited. These sisters all looked like heavy weight wrestlers, nothing like the attractive lady I had invited, they all drank like fish (luckily not champagne), only beer Leo. To cap it all they ordered take away meals to be added to my bill. So 3,000 baht later we parted company. Never to be seen again, my choice by the way Hillary. So please warn Andy of what the “bring a friend” can lead too. No other accidents to report Hillary.



Dear Evil,

I am so pleased to hear you haven’t stepped off awkwardly again. I think the situation you experienced is not really a common one. How long had you known the attractive lady and the heavyweight wrestler sisters? Sounds to me that you should be doing a bit of groundwork before offering carte blanche at the a la carte. You would never take your motorcycle for a trip to Cambodia without checking over it first, would you? So likewise you should have done a bit of checking first. Unfortunately, you young chaps only seem to learn by experience, so I doubt if Andy will be any different.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015 14:37

Live-in lover or paid performer?

Dear Hillary,

My GF has just moved in with me, so everything’s a bit new and I’m pretty unsure too. How much salary should I be paying her? I’ve asked at the pub where I go after work and they all said different amounts from nothing to fifty thousand. She does work in an office job and clears about fifteen thousand baht a month, and will continue to work there. I don’t want to chase her away, now she’s made the decision to bunk in with me. I know others have written to you about this but always seems to be that these are with bar girls who leave the bar and haven’t got a real job.



Dear Marty,

I take it that this has been a mutual decision, the moving in. I also take it that you have known this girl for some time and this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, with no discussion other than “Wanna move in?” “Yeah, why not.” You are quite correct when you point out that this is not the usual bar girl leaving her source of finance for a “regular” position. Honestly, my Petal, the pair of you have made the decision to move in and ‘share’ and that’s the way the financial side should be looked at. Both of you put a percentage of your salaries into a kitty which is used to spend on household expenses like food, cleaning materials. Discuss with the GF what she thinks is a reasonable sum for living expenses and then work out the split between your two salaries to make up that sum (yours will be more than hers). You both should have more to spend on yourselves because the other party is helping pay living expenses. Do not think about giving her a “salary”, she already gets a salary from her office job, and you get a salary as well, I presume. You should be living together because you want to be near each other, not adding another job to your lives.

Wednesday, 25 November 2015 14:37

Second time lucky?

Dear Hillary,

I’ve taken a girl back, even though she cheated me out of close to a million baht last time. I met her in a bar and it was an immediate attraction and she moved in right away. We carried on like any normal couple, and I did help her send money home. Then I paid for a house to be built up country and gave her a little car to run around in. About two weeks after that she sold the car and went to live with her mother – in the new house in her name. Anyway I carried on by myself, but I kept on thinking about her and contacted her after three months to make sure she was OK. Turned out she was back in Pattaya, but at a different bar, and so I went round to see her. She started to cry and said she was sorry, and so I said she could come back. My friends all think I’m loco, but she’s the only one for me. Are my friends right, or am I?



Dear Robby,

There’s no such thing as right or wrong in these situations, my Petal. You’ve gone into this again with your eyes open this time, just don’t get carried away with this second honeymoon. Remember the saying, “He who cheats me once – shame on him. He who cheats me twice – shame on me.” I hope you are going to be lucky this second time around, but lay some ground rules about spending!

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:33

Pardon my idioms!

Hi Hillary,

I do enjoy your column very much and your quotations which I have noted just a few – Rumpy Pumpy, old ladies in Blighty, having been fleeced, being a wallflower, skinny dipping, my attic, I got ripped off. That makes me think that you are no spring chicken but a mature knowledgeable well traveled person not of Thai nationality. I asked my lovely Thai lady partner who speaks good English if she could tell me what these quotes mean, but no luck. Come on Hillary, do tell us a little about yourself. I was going to send a bottle of bubbly but you are a connoisseur and I was afraid you may think I am a cheap Charlie or a skinflint if I bought the wrong one. Keep up the good work.

UK Ian


Dear UK Ian,

Are you (or were you) “Inspector Ian of Scotland Yard”? Such deduction and attention to detail, but you glossed over one important fact. Yes, I suppose I could be called a mature knowledgeable well traveled person, but why not Thai nationality? Many Thai people are educated overseas for more than a 12 month toe in the water exercise, but they always return to Thailand having learned the lingo, so to speak. Does your lovely Thai lady partner fit that history? I think not Inspector Ian, because she would have known all those common idioms (another overseas word for you, my Petal). And thank you for thinking about the champagne, even if it never eventuated. French, Australian or Californian are generally good, and anyway, too hard to fit in the envelope!

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:32

Help with mathematics

Dear Hillary,

My girlfriend tells me she is three months pregnant and wants me to pay for the doctor’s visits and the birth which she says will be in February. I am not here all the time, just every four weeks, but I am suspicious as she looks more pregnant than that to me. I’ve only known her since September. What should I do about this?



Dear Ern,

Somebody’s maths are not too good, Petal. Your GF is 3 months pregnant, but it is only three months to February. That’s a six months pregnancy. So she has either discovered a new way to carry a baby, or … Ern, start looking at your dates as to when you were here, and count backwards (use your fingers if necessary) and work out where you were in May. And after that start learning the times tables.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:31

Early Xmas?

Dear Hillary,

One of the girls at my office has been very friendly to me recently. Holds my hand when talking to me in the corridor, and always goes out of her way to talk to me and smiles a lot in my direction. Her English seems pretty good, but I don’t know if she is married or not. She did ask me what I was going to give her for Xmas and this knocked me over a bit, so I did give her some chocolates as a pre-Xmas gift. Where do I go from here?



Dear Unsure,

Where do you go from here? Well it certainly isn’t the walk of the brave, is it? For goodness me, young man (you must be young to be asking these sorts of questions), just ask her. “Are you married?” is the start. If “Yes” do not pass go, do not collect 200. However, if no, then does she have a Thai boyfriend? A “Yes” here is worse than the marriage question. Run, run, run. So there you are. Easy peasy, done and dusted.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:29

How did Dire Straits get in here?

Dear Hillary,

I read so much tripe about our bar girls. My own experience is that you can meet and fall in love with a lady from a bar. You can also be treated like a king and rest easy with the feeling that you have found a long term partner. I have been with my Thai wife now for some years and have been incredibly happy. My own experience of a former falang wife was that she gave up work once we were married and never expected to have to work again. She took more money from me in a month than my Thai partner has taken in two years and when we split up, she took everything else. I will take my chances with a bar girl any day over a falang lady. With any woman you will have to pay, one way or another. The Thai way is cheaper in the long run, believe me, and all you guys out there, start thinking and stop whining.

Very Satisfied


Dear Very Satisfied,

It is always nice for me to read a letter from someone who is not putting down our ladies of the night. Sure you have to pay for their company, that’s what they are there for. And the good ones do a fantastic job, much better than some day-time ladies, as Very Satisfied has written. Now there are good and bad everythings in life, but the way to choose is to go slowly and get to know your intended partner very well over a period of quite a few months. You will know her and she will know you. That’s the way you do it (Dire Straits).

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:18

Beam me down, Scotty

Dear Hillary,

Last week one chap was unsure whether he was a being set up by his Thai lady. If you are so happy don’t waste your time in bars at all. Bars are where you will only find “sob stories.” And yes, your mate is interested in you for financial security. Otherwise she would be with someone her own age and from her own culture. What outer ring planet did you beam down from?



Dear Robert,

I think you are being a little harsh on the chap. There are many successful unions across the cultural divide. No need to delve into the whys and wherefores. Keep your wits around you, and enjoy the company. Mind you, they say Pluto is quite nice this time of year.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:17


Dear Hillary,

Re the disappearing band at an advertised music night, one must ask “why” this would happen if a band had been advertised that was “top drawer” playing on the... Dark Side? Could someone have lied?... to the public... to the band? Were they paid? Did something take off after mooching?



Dear Rob,

Mooching? What on earth is that? I consulted my well-thumbed Merriam-Webster dictionary and was told that mooching was to ask for and get things from other people without paying for them or doing anything for them. That sounds more like the question above yours and the Thai GF and farang BF. Sorry, but I cannot throw any light on the subject, as I wasn’t there.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:16

A fishy story

Dear Hillary,

I have an ornamental fish pond with two sucker fish and another fish that looks like a trout. I clean it out every three months or so but this time I find I have three sucker fish and a trout. I can’t imagine somebody coming and adding one fish to those already in the pond. Have you got any suggestions, Hillary? This has been worrying me.



Dear Johnny,

I am presuming you have had a good talk with your father about the birds and the bees. Now it may be time to add fish in as well. How do you think the fish population grows? The angels do not come down with baskets of fish and hand them out willy nilly (well, not without some bread rolls as well). For you, I think you should just be happy that your fish are such good friends, and for the person who told you to write to me, they are just as silly as you.

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