Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:33

Pardon my idioms!

Hi Hillary,

I do enjoy your column very much and your quotations which I have noted just a few – Rumpy Pumpy, old ladies in Blighty, having been fleeced, being a wallflower, skinny dipping, my attic, I got ripped off. That makes me think that you are no spring chicken but a mature knowledgeable well traveled person not of Thai nationality. I asked my lovely Thai lady partner who speaks good English if she could tell me what these quotes mean, but no luck. Come on Hillary, do tell us a little about yourself. I was going to send a bottle of bubbly but you are a connoisseur and I was afraid you may think I am a cheap Charlie or a skinflint if I bought the wrong one. Keep up the good work.

UK Ian


Dear UK Ian,

Are you (or were you) “Inspector Ian of Scotland Yard”? Such deduction and attention to detail, but you glossed over one important fact. Yes, I suppose I could be called a mature knowledgeable well traveled person, but why not Thai nationality? Many Thai people are educated overseas for more than a 12 month toe in the water exercise, but they always return to Thailand having learned the lingo, so to speak. Does your lovely Thai lady partner fit that history? I think not Inspector Ian, because she would have known all those common idioms (another overseas word for you, my Petal). And thank you for thinking about the champagne, even if it never eventuated. French, Australian or Californian are generally good, and anyway, too hard to fit in the envelope!

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:32

Help with mathematics

Dear Hillary,

My girlfriend tells me she is three months pregnant and wants me to pay for the doctor’s visits and the birth which she says will be in February. I am not here all the time, just every four weeks, but I am suspicious as she looks more pregnant than that to me. I’ve only known her since September. What should I do about this?



Dear Ern,

Somebody’s maths are not too good, Petal. Your GF is 3 months pregnant, but it is only three months to February. That’s a six months pregnancy. So she has either discovered a new way to carry a baby, or … Ern, start looking at your dates as to when you were here, and count backwards (use your fingers if necessary) and work out where you were in May. And after that start learning the times tables.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:31

Early Xmas?

Dear Hillary,

One of the girls at my office has been very friendly to me recently. Holds my hand when talking to me in the corridor, and always goes out of her way to talk to me and smiles a lot in my direction. Her English seems pretty good, but I don’t know if she is married or not. She did ask me what I was going to give her for Xmas and this knocked me over a bit, so I did give her some chocolates as a pre-Xmas gift. Where do I go from here?



Dear Unsure,

Where do you go from here? Well it certainly isn’t the walk of the brave, is it? For goodness me, young man (you must be young to be asking these sorts of questions), just ask her. “Are you married?” is the start. If “Yes” do not pass go, do not collect 200. However, if no, then does she have a Thai boyfriend? A “Yes” here is worse than the marriage question. Run, run, run. So there you are. Easy peasy, done and dusted.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 13:29

How did Dire Straits get in here?

Dear Hillary,

I read so much tripe about our bar girls. My own experience is that you can meet and fall in love with a lady from a bar. You can also be treated like a king and rest easy with the feeling that you have found a long term partner. I have been with my Thai wife now for some years and have been incredibly happy. My own experience of a former falang wife was that she gave up work once we were married and never expected to have to work again. She took more money from me in a month than my Thai partner has taken in two years and when we split up, she took everything else. I will take my chances with a bar girl any day over a falang lady. With any woman you will have to pay, one way or another. The Thai way is cheaper in the long run, believe me, and all you guys out there, start thinking and stop whining.

Very Satisfied


Dear Very Satisfied,

It is always nice for me to read a letter from someone who is not putting down our ladies of the night. Sure you have to pay for their company, that’s what they are there for. And the good ones do a fantastic job, much better than some day-time ladies, as Very Satisfied has written. Now there are good and bad everythings in life, but the way to choose is to go slowly and get to know your intended partner very well over a period of quite a few months. You will know her and she will know you. That’s the way you do it (Dire Straits).

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:18

Beam me down, Scotty

Dear Hillary,

Last week one chap was unsure whether he was a being set up by his Thai lady. If you are so happy don’t waste your time in bars at all. Bars are where you will only find “sob stories.” And yes, your mate is interested in you for financial security. Otherwise she would be with someone her own age and from her own culture. What outer ring planet did you beam down from?



Dear Robert,

I think you are being a little harsh on the chap. There are many successful unions across the cultural divide. No need to delve into the whys and wherefores. Keep your wits around you, and enjoy the company. Mind you, they say Pluto is quite nice this time of year.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:17


Dear Hillary,

Re the disappearing band at an advertised music night, one must ask “why” this would happen if a band had been advertised that was “top drawer” playing on the... Dark Side? Could someone have lied?... to the public... to the band? Were they paid? Did something take off after mooching?



Dear Rob,

Mooching? What on earth is that? I consulted my well-thumbed Merriam-Webster dictionary and was told that mooching was to ask for and get things from other people without paying for them or doing anything for them. That sounds more like the question above yours and the Thai GF and farang BF. Sorry, but I cannot throw any light on the subject, as I wasn’t there.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:16

A fishy story

Dear Hillary,

I have an ornamental fish pond with two sucker fish and another fish that looks like a trout. I clean it out every three months or so but this time I find I have three sucker fish and a trout. I can’t imagine somebody coming and adding one fish to those already in the pond. Have you got any suggestions, Hillary? This has been worrying me.



Dear Johnny,

I am presuming you have had a good talk with your father about the birds and the bees. Now it may be time to add fish in as well. How do you think the fish population grows? The angels do not come down with baskets of fish and hand them out willy nilly (well, not without some bread rolls as well). For you, I think you should just be happy that your fish are such good friends, and for the person who told you to write to me, they are just as silly as you.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015 14:13

The other side of the coin

Dear Hillary

I would first like to say I love your column. I enjoy it every week. A bit of background, I married a bar girl and have been happily married for going on 14 years. And yes I know that many girls from the bar are right in some respects when they say the foreign man likes to have his cake and eat it too.

I visit Thailand at least 3-4 times a year and apart from visiting family, my wife and I visit her friends at the bar even though the girls change throughout the year as expected, but they are all basically from the same region in Thailand and know each other, and of each other. But my wife always includes me on her outings and hides nothing from me. Our marriage is very happy and she has told me that she is happy, and being together for 14 years would make me think that is correct.

I do not deny her many things and she understands when I do say no to some things. All it takes is a little co-operation between each other and that goes along way. You’d call it trusting each other.

Hillary keep up the good work. I believe you have plenty of readers both in Thailand and overseas, who turn to your page before anything else. We’ll bring you something on our next trip.

Baz and Tina


Dear Baz and Tina,

Well, aren’t you the sweetest thing? A present from China? I don’t think they make champagne over there (yes, yes, I know that “champagne” can only come from the champagne area in France), but I haven’t heard of Chinese ‘methode champenoise’ wines, but it might be fun to try? Getting real (for a change), you have hit the nail right on its head when you say, “All it takes is a little co-operation between each other and that goes along way.” That’s what Thai women are looking for, and you too admitted that “the foreign man likes to have his cake and eat it too.” If there were more foreign men like you, the world would be a happier place. Finally, Baz, are you from Australia? Your spelling was atrocious. You will see I have corrected the mistakes!

Wednesday, 04 November 2015 13:11

Menage a trois

Dear Hillary,

An old GF from the UK has contacted me to say she is coming out for a holiday for a couple of weeks in December. She is making it obvious that she expects to stay with me, for old time’s sake, I think. We last had a fling 10 years ago but we are both now pensioners, and I wonder if I can still perform as I find break dancing too strenuous, and her pacemaker must be due for new batteries by now. Should I tell her that I am now living with George and enjoying the gay life?



Dear Harold,

Pull the other leg, it plays Colonel Bogey. Honestly, my Petal, if you are being serious, you know the answer already – you get the old GF to bring a chap over for George, while you trip down memory lane with her. Simple.

Wednesday, 04 November 2015 13:10

What’s the real story?

Dear Hillary,

It has always amazed me that the men here can get up to such impossible situations that they end up having to ask you to get them out of their problems. It must be very wearing for you.



Dear Alfred,

What a dear sweet boy you are. Yes, it is difficult and wearing, and nobody during my training as an Agony Aunt told me it would be like this. However, you get stronger as you get older, and I don’t think there is any situation I haven’t met by now, after all these years since the days of hardship before biro pens and cling wrap. But you haven’t told me, Alfred, why have you sent me an email? You are not worrying about others who write to me – you are getting ready to write to me about your problems, when you are brave enough. I am waiting, Petal.

Page 1 of 100