Wednesday, 19 November 2014 16:29

Lookers and hookers

Dear Hillary,

See so much in your column about the women in Thailand being able to milk some poor saps dry in no time at all that it makes me worry about going over to your side. I was planning on a trip over the Yuletide, and friends who have been over say that there’s no shortage of lookers, but you’ve got to watch them as they will put pressure on you to buy them gold necklaces and suchlike. What is your advice Mrs. Hillary?



Dear George,

I don’t quite understand, my Petal. Your friends who have been over here say “there’s no shortage of lookers but you’ve got to watch them”, did they mean “lookers” or “hookers”? You have to decide which kind of woman you are looking for. If you think you can rock on over here and pick up a virgin film star who is an orphan and does not support a buffalo or a younger brother who just fell off his motorcycle, which is on time payments, and broke his leg, then you have unreal expectations, George. Like all things in life, you will get what you pay for, and short term company in Thailand is just the same. However, for the small cost of a bottle of (good) French bubbly and some Swiss or Belgian chocolates, I am willing to let you escort me to one of our better restaurants one evening. No hanky panky mind, this is just a way to show you that not all Thai women are on the make.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014 16:28

The pirates are on their way

Dear Hillary,

I’m not like your usual letter writers, as I don’t have a problem with some Thai lady running away with my fortune - I keep that locked up in a safe place, even though there’s not really enough to call it a ‘fortune’. My problem comes from friends who are all coming over at Xmas time. Most of them seem to think that my husband and I can look after them, show them a great time, and never get thanked, and the next wave comes. We did offer our spare room and driver last year, but it was all too much. How should we repel the invaders?



Dear Gina,

I love your description of getting prepared to repel the invaders. I do understand the problem, as I get friends from overseas who all think that I am here just to look after them, and that’s not the case. What I suggest is that you line up some trips to neighboring countries, with the dates to coincide with the invaders arriving. Don’t offer your house, driver, maid, laundry and the like, as they only are using you. This is always a problem as they think that because they knew you from your home country, you will welcome them with open arms, and many times you hardly knew them at all. So my suggestions are to grab your cutlass and repel the boarders before they even get out of Suvarnabhumi. Hope that helps, Petal.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014 16:25

Looking for a girlfriend

Dear Hillary,

Some of your readers will probably say this is a silly question, but I haven’t been here long, so I don’t know the ropes. I often see a rather nice looking girl in the local shopping center and I sometimes stop and say hello. She is very well dressed and seems to have good English. I have asked her what she is doing and she says she is waiting for a boyfriend, but she seems to be waiting every day. Should I ask her if she is really waiting for a boyfriend? Do you think she is a prostitute? How do I ask? What will tell me that she is? Please don’t laugh, I would really like to get to know this girl.



Dear Jeffery,

You certainly are new around these parts, aren’t you! Let me take you by the hand in this matter. No, you do not say, “Excuse me, are you a prostitute?” Firstly, there are no prostitutes because that is against the law, so there aren’t any. However, there does appear to be a few enthusiastic ‘amateurs’ or ‘side-line’ girls around the place. What you have to reason out, young Jeffery, is how can she be so well dressed without a job, because you see her every day “waiting” and that’s not delivering food, is it? So she is either a young lady of independent means, or someone who goes shopping a lot with someone else’s money. You still with me, Jeffrey my Petal? Now she has been giving you all the hints, “waiting for a boyfriend”. That wasn’t waiting for “her” boyfriend - she is waiting for “a” boyfriend. This is leaving the opening for you to become the boyfriend - but, Jeffrey, I fear this relationship is going to cost you a whole heap of money. She is obviously more experienced than you are, and you are walking around the shopping center with “I’m ready for fleecing” written on your forehead. Take my tip - change your shopping center and wait till you meet some nice girl who is working there, not “waiting” there for a boyfriend.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014 15:32

Hansum Man

Dear Hillary,

It’s the same old, same old every time. You must get tired of the moaners who have nobody to blame but themselves. No wonder the girls leave them after the money runs out. I would do just the same if I had to put up with all the belly aching. These guys start to think they are “hansum man” when they sure as hell ain’t. If they believe that “stuff” (I changed what you wrote to something that will not offend, OK?) then they will believe anything. They should stop these guys at the border, for their own good. Talk about leaving their brains at the Immigration counter! They should have stayed at home.



Dear Jack,

I think you are being a bit hard on some of the ex-pats, my Petal. Why did they come here and leave their home countries? What is the alternative for these lonely men? Stay at “home” and be even more lonely? Everyone deserves some fun in life, even if it doesn’t last forever. You worry me a little, as you are so much down on your fellow ex-pats. Have you been burned before?

Wednesday, 12 November 2014 15:31

Miss Right at the check-out counter?

Dear Hillary,

I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center, and many are quite nice. I see them resting on the seats. I know you say we older foreigners should stay away from the bars, and that is what I have been doing these days, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie about my age (I’m a pensioner) and go back to university? What should I do? I’m getting tired of being lonely. I could always get somebody from the bars to look after me.

Lonely Lester


Dear Lonely Lester,

What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one, and we certainly have been having a few heavy showers recently. Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No Lester, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). They are more dangerous than the girls from the bars. At least Hello Sexy Man bar will still be there tomorrow, and the mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as lying about your age, that’s not such a bad idea. I heard of one 70 year old chap, when seen walking down the street with a cute 17 year old, told his friends it was easy. “I lied about my age. I told her I was 95!” If you are getting really desperate, talk to the girls in the optical stores. They are all well dressed and university graduates. You must be needing glasses at your age, so you’ve got a good excuse for being there. They also do eye checks for free, and that’s a free offer without a hoop of balloons and a roasted pig outside either. Don’t despair, Lester. Just be nice to everyone you meet. Very soon someone will snap you up for who you are, and not just to get their hands on your pension.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014 15:30

Feeding homeless waifs

Dear Hillary,

I am new round this neck of the woods, and I am still finding my feet, and this can sure be a difficult place to find things. I had to get a hose for the bum washer the other day and the girl in the hardware shop just didn’t understand what I wanted and was trying to sell me the whole kit and caboodle. Yes, I did manage in the end, but I’d like to know of some nice, not over the top, restaurants where I could take some female company. The girls are so nice, I reckon they deserve a feed every so often.



Dear Robert,

You sound like a nice genuine guy, my Petal, but I don’t really see the connection between the bottom washer and some “nice, not over the top, restaurants”? However, here’s your answer to the bottom washer purchase and the restaurant. There are a couple of things you need to do. First go and learn the language. This is Thailand and the people speak a language called Thai. It is not impossible for foreigners to learn it (after all, little children learn to speak it). Secondly, if after some replacement hardware part, take the original one into the shop with you. Simple and no hassle. Now where to go to eat? I’m not the right one, Petal, you need Miss Terry and not Ms. Hillary. Miss Terry Diner reviews one restaurant every week in the Pattaya Mail, and gives average prices in the review to make it easier for you. However, if you are taking to dinner one of our nice ‘readily available’ young ladies, be warned that many do not like western and only eat Thai food.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:58

The answer for (in)fidelity

Dear Hillary,

Noting some of your writers are worried about their partners straying, I have the answer for them. If you really find the love of your life, (or lust of it), and want to insure she will NEVER stray, do the usual. Supply adequate funds for her personal use but ... to insure “till death do us part”, contact a lawyer with her present, draw up a overly generous will, leaving her so much her breasts will expand just hearing the amount - with the stipulation she must be in habitation/co habitation with you for the 10 years prior to your passing. She will, overnight shed all bad habits, manually fan your sweaty brow and perform nothing but pleasurable acts upon your person.



Dear Don,

You are a prolific correspondent, aren’t you, my Petal. And you have the answer for everything it would seem. Your proposal ‘could’ work, but I doubt that this would continue to work after the first 24 hours. We Thai ladies are not known for looking very far ahead. There is also the problem that she might tell her friends of the future windfall and they might suggest helping you come to your passing a little earlier than you planned. It’s been done before! For that reason, I cannot swing my wholehearted support behind your scheme. Sorry.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:57

In the nood for love?

Dear Hillary,

In many Thai homes and businesses, removing your footwear is required and, in my home, removal of all clothing is mandatory! I really like naked women. Even the maids enjoy the freedom of movement and admiring glances! People aren’t born with clothes so this is a semi religious ceremony. Men are excluded! C’mon over, my fridge has only champagne and chocolates in it.

Naked Norman


Dear Naked Norman,

What an offer! A fridge full of champagne and chocolates just waiting for Hillary, as long as I join the semi religious nude group that you are running. I am not sure that is such a good idea, as at least one of us is going to be disappointed. For example, you did not say where the chocolates came from, and not a mention of which vineyard or vintage of the champagne. No, that’s really too much of a risk for me to take, Norman.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:56

Trophy wives

Dear Hillary,

Seems that many of the men who write in to you for advice, don’t really want your help, all they want to do is to show off that they have young wives. Many of them say they pay their wife a salary each month, which makes me say they haven’t got a husband/wife relationship. Husbands don’t pay their wives to stay with them, surely? Or have I got it all wrong?

Harry the Husband


Dear Harry the Husband,

I’m not sure I know what you mean? Are you in the situation of being asked for money (or a salary) by your wife, or what? The examples you bring up are very common in Thailand, with these girls being called “mia chow” (or “rented” wives). This is very different from the western marriages, but is totally acceptable in Thailand (and in fact all of SE Asia). If you are being asked for money (salary) by your GF, then it is up to you what happens. Relationships are easy to get into in Thailand, but there is always a cost, one way or another.

Wednesday, 05 November 2014 16:55

He who pays the piper calls the tune

Dear Hillary,

A friend who has been to Thailand put me on to your website. I have been reading your column on dating and have enjoyed it very much. As I am going to be there in December for the first time I am writing. It seems that everyone I ask (single men like myself) talk about being at the bars as the way to meet the working women of Thailand. While I realize this is not the only way I do have a question. If one is not a big drinker will I offend if I do not drink a lot or wish to leave to go see music, movies or see the country.



Dear James,

I can assure you that the ladies from the bars have not the slightest interest in how much ‘you’ drink, only in how much ‘they’ drink, while you are paying of course! This is because they receive a percentage of the cost of the ‘lady drinks’, while they get nothing from the price of your drinks. This is how they make money, as they are ‘working’ women, getting their monthly salaries in many ways. It works like this, since you have not been here before, Petal. They generally receive a small wage (or retainer), and then their lady drinks percentage plus a percentage of the so-called ‘bar fine’ which is what the punters (like you) pay for the honor and glory of taking one of the blushing young ladies away from the bar to see music, movies or the country. Anything else is a private arrangement between the lady and the customer, as you have to realize that there is no prostitution in Thailand, because the statutes say so. And the statute books have said so since about 1966. While you are paying for things, you will not offend, James.

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