Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:47

A cross cross-dresser

Dear Hillary,

Some time ago I dressed in a women’s outfit for my girlfriend now my ex she informed my in laws of what I did and they are not pleased with me as it was a shock for me to get an email from them and now want nothing to do with me. I am going out with new girl and very happy. I have some personal details that would hurt my ex but I am in shock as she promised she would not tell anyone what I did and when I called to ask her what she had said she told me she did not tell anyone. I am in shock and do not know where to turn as I am ashamed.

Please help.

Thank you


Dear Thank you,

All this about a bit of harmless cross-dressing. Just what are you on about, my Petal? Cross dressing is everywhere. Even I have been known to wear a pair of trousers. Forget it and get on with life.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:47

Tesco losing a customer

Dear Hillary,

Thanks for the drubbing you gave me today, it cheered me up... a bit. I hope to avoid dragging myself to Tesco in the snow in the UK by spending my winters here from now on. I noticed in that Adrian Farmer cartoon you were depicted in a very unlady-like pose, Hillary!

Ken Morley-ish


Dear Ken,

I am truly glad that I managed to cheer you up, even just a bit. You sounded so depressed before. Please don’t get any lascivious (that’s a nice word) thoughts in your head over Dorian Farmer’s cartoon. That is a very strange form of voyeurism.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:32

Loving Songkran?

Dear Hillary,

I have just finished washing the car after the usual Songkran madness. I know it is supposed to be Thai New Year, but all I see is an opportunity for young Thais to plaster white paste on girl’s faces, jump up and down (it certainly ain’t dancing) and aggressively hit motorcyclists in the face with a face full of ice cold water. If that is fun, count me out. I should add that I know there are plenty of westerners in the water wars around the bar areas, but they have no idea what Songkran was meant to be. The Thai people do know, but just ignore the real significance.



Dear Tom,

While I agree with some of your letter, you forget that Thais are fun-loving people (and that’s why the westerners love us) and any excuse for a party will do, and what better than the Thai New Year? If it upsets you so much, why don’t you go to Singapore for the week, so you miss all of it.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:27


Dear Hillary,

You are always crying out for champain (sic) and choclates (sic) when youre (sic) giving advise. Don’t you know there (sic) bad for you? Why do you do it?



Dear Jason,

You didn’t do well at school, did you Jason. Failed O Levels, especially (sorry about using a big word, Petal) spelling. I can see I will have to go through this slowly for you. Champagne and chocolates (note the correct spelling, that’s a boy) are full of calories and because I am underweight, I need the calories to put it back on. I am addicted you could say, and a daily bottle of bubbly would overextend (oops, there I go again with long words, sorry) my budget, so that’s why I look for generous correspondents (people who write in, Petal) in the column. I’m sure you understand. Mark the bottle “For Hillary only” and leave it at the office.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015 16:20


Dear Hillary,

These women here are strange creatures. Hot as hell one day and damn icebergs the next and I have absolutely no idea what brings it on. Had a couple of live-ins and I’ve had to give them both the door. Is there some way of finding out what these girls are like before you get too far into the relationship? It doesn’t seem to matter how much salary you pay them, if they get in a snit, that’s it.



Dear Marty,

You are certainly all heart, aren’t you. Pay “them” a salary and you think you own the woman and how she feels. What sort of relationship is that, my Petal? Your “live-ins” are merely “rented wives” (mia chow) and they have no compulsion in leaving, generally by being non-communicative, after which you will have to “buy” them out so they will leave. Marty, you’ve met your match, and you are getting what you deserve. Maids get salaries, partners are not maids, and it is time men like you realized the difference. Any woman who is willing to be your live-in is not trying to impress you. It is a straight out financial arrangement, and the contract can be broken by either side - but if you say it’s over, then you will pay again! Get out of the financial arena and find some nice genuine Thai women who would like to share their lives with you.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:28

Missing alias?

Dear Hillary,

I have been seeing a girl from the local and she gave me her phone number. Good, I thought, we’re going to the next step in this relationship. Last weekend I had nothing to do, so I sent her an SMS and she replied, “What name you?” I thought she must be joking and wrote back “George!” The reply floored me “What George?” Do you think I have been reading too much into the relationship?



Dear Robbie,

You’ve got me confused here, just how do you think she can handle all this? You send an SMS with no name, then you send another calling yourself “George” and then you write to me, calling yourself “Robbie”. Just who are you? Robbie Burns perhaps pretending to be George Burns? Or the other way round? But I think both of them are dead. Face facts George/Robbie, she meets people with no names every day. On that day you were probably the third “George”, and she is just trying to work out, which one of you has the most money.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:27

Apple Cider Vinegar

Dear Hillary,

You got asked a couple of weeks back by Roger with a bad back what to do in the horizontal gymnastic business. Roger, try apple cider vinegar which has relieved a lot of people or exercise (plenty of good ideas on the internet) or lying on your side but... whatever you do don’t go to a surgeon, here or anywhere. Your pain won’t diminish but your bank account will simply disappear! My problem same magnified by she, 38, me 81! But ACV did it for me.



Dear Don,

Your ACV is most interesting. Do you drink it, rub it on or splash it on French fries?

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:27

Financial agreements or MOU’s

Dear Hillary,

I asked a couple of young ladies to join me in my unit for a night. The next morning the money they told me they wanted was far too much from my point of view. I said for that money I could get a maid for a week. Then they started to threaten me and said they would go to the security guard. At that I gave in, gave them the money and locked the door. I watched from the balcony and they didn’t speak to the guard. Should I have just given them the money, or offered them half?



Dear Edward,

Unless you have only been here 10 minutes, you should know you always establish the price first, before getting on a taxi motorcycle. It is the same with the Ladies of the Night who turn into Monsters in the Morning. Do the haggling beforehand while you have the aces, not afterwards when they hold the aces.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:25

“Proud Dad”

Dear Hillary,

Re the guy with his 14 year old son getting abusive remarks. “Proud Dad” on the T shirt should do the trick. I recently saw a little child, about six, wandering around my condo lobby. In the otherwise deserted lobby a middle aged Belgian was peering at the bulletin board. All I asked was, “Is that your child?” because he was small and if unchaperoned I was going to call the guard to help little “wandering Billy” find his mom. The fellow became really ticked off at me. I was suggesting nothing about him or his habits, just natural concern for the safety of a little one. It works both ways, so take it in stride, and talk to your son about it so he understands what is happening and should not feel awkward. A fourteen year old today knows as much as most of us knew at seventeen “in the day.” You cannot protect him from what he should understand to protect himself when you are not on hand. Goodness, we had our first “stay away from the strange man offering candy in the park” movie when I was in grade school in the 1960s.



Dear Robert,

You have a good heart and looking at life sensibly. Your T-shirt should do the trick, otherwise ignore the people who are abusive.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 15:23

Titanic found in Jomtien

Dear Hillary

We live in Jomtien and often go to the beach there as it seems to be very popular with the Thais, as we see them swimming there a lot. Why do the Thai people wear clothes when they go into the sea? Sometimes it looks like shipwreck survivors from the Titanic. Some Thais wear bikinis, but they are in the minority. I even see them going in wearing jeans! Why?



Dear Ian,

There a two reasons, to this hilarious puzzle. #1. No Thai ever wants to become sunburned or darker in the skin tone as they all equate light skin with beauty. They all believe the most beautiful Thai girls come from Chiang Mai as they are so light skinned! Most farangs want to become tanned and most Asians want to become white. Nobody is ever satisfied! #2. The second reason is for modesty! No proper decent Thai woman will ever display their bodies in public. It is against (current) Thai societal values. Believe me, the bar-girls and boys have to make a lot of merit to atone for their displays.

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