Dear Hillary,

Disastrous first and last date with Go-Go dancer No.28.  I had met a 20 year old Go-Go dancer in a seedy Go-Go bar, I had known her for about a month going to the bar.  In that time I had not taken her from the bar, but we had agreed to meet at Black Canyon Central Festival.  Having not set a time as she was to call me in advance and arrange a time.  Not expecting her to call, but during the afternoon I had just had a street meal (40 baht), she calls me, and tells me she is at Black Canyon now.  I rush to Black Canyon and she is with her older cousin and her mother.  I accept this, as I am retired.  They tell me they would like ice cream so we go to a restaurant they order drinks and a meal plus ice cream (600 baht), she then tells me she wants to go to a dentist.  The dentist tells me she needs several fillings and root canal treatment then a crown (estimated 15,000 baht) but for now the dentist would do cleaning (700 baht which I paid).  At this point I anticipated the relatives would leave us, also its 7.30pm, and I was to go to my hotel get cleaned up, then we were to go to her bar and I would pay the bar fine for her (one night), I accepted her condition “No boomsing” (sex).  I see the relatives are still with us, I insisted mother and cousin could not come to my hotel, so she abruptly dumps me!

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

As you know, you also sent me a long missive called “for background info only”, so I have not published that part.  Now to your problems.  Just what did you think was going to happen when a retired male (you) makes arrangements for an assignation at Black Canyon with a 20 year old go-go dancer from a “seedy bar”?  What in common did you have, other than you having money and she wanting it.  That’s why girls work in seedy go-go bars, my Petal.  To get into your wallet, just as you wanted to get into her pants.  Both of you were unsuccessful, it would seem.

Dear Hillary,

What is the attraction of the primitive villages in the north east that these Thai girls come from?  At every opportunity they seem to go back there, for to see Mama, or another funeral, or a special event at the local wat.  Funerals?  There seems to be one every month.  These villages must be dangerous places!  My Thai GF won’t even take me to the village because she says there is no food for me to eat as theirs is too spicy and only cold showers and I like warm showers.  What is the pull that makes them go back?

George

Dear George,

Have you ever heard of “family”?  Family is very strong in Thai culture, and remember that in these small villages, everyone is a relative of some type.  When your GF says that her sister is sick, this does not mean “sister” as you know it.  It just means a female from the village.  There will probably be some shreds of common DNA, but that’s all, but that still means that your Thai girlfriend should go back and help.  You’ve heard that you marry the family - well, that’s what it means, Petal.

Dear Hillary,

Help me please.  I’ve been here on holidays now for two weeks and I find the women here in Thailand are just the best eye candy I have ever seen, but all they want is my money, and they have so many reasons that I should give it to them that it is just amazing.  Amazing Thailand as they say.  What should I do, Hillary?  Give them money or what?  I sure like having them around me, but at this rate I won’t have enough left to eat by the end of the month.  I’m 52, by the way.

Mike

Dear Mike,

You don’t say where all your begging eye candy comes from, my Petal, but let me guess.  From the bars, right?  That is how they operate.  Find a new customer, drape themselves all over him, make him feel like he is some irresistible young buck again, and they have you hooked.  Once you’re hooked, the next item is to land you, and they’ve done that when you pay for the vet’s fees for the ailing family buffalo, shortly after there will be medical bills for the brother with the broken leg after the motorcycle accident.  Remember to offer to buy him another motorcycle as well, it will only cost you another 40,000 baht.  Chicken feed.  If you have a really thick wallet, then building a new house for Mama and Papa puts you right up to the top of the tree - that is, until you return to your home wherever, and another 52 year old from Sweden takes over.  Honestly Mike, this behavior is so well documented, I find it amazing that there are still people who fall for all this.  Amazing Thailand indeed!

Dear Hillary,

Sad to say I am not sure what I married.  I met her on a bus in Pattaya in 2000 and she worked at a bank in Bangkok.  I knew her or thought I did and four years I would see her every other month till she moved to North America where we married.  We had two daughters and that is where things went off the rails.  Not sure how or why.  She felt imprisoned by the girls and me and she needed someone younger and richer who could understand her.  Neither fit me at all it seems.  So for the sake of her Thai family she left me and the girls sad as it is.  I to this day will never understand how her family in Thailand would win over our two girls and me.  But they did.  Culture is a strange thing Hillary.

John R

Dear John R,

Yes indeed, different cultures put different emphasis on certain emotions.  Not that I am trying to justify your wife’s actions, but you should take into account that Thais do not do well in foreign cultures (such as the US), especially if they have no Thai friends in the area and no outlets for Thai food ingredients.  Was there no chance that you and the girls could have resettled in Thailand?

Dear Hillary,

I had an ant walking about on the lens of my glasses, how do you get it off?

Anyway to matters nearer your heart; gullible farangs. I like bars and my liver probably thinks I spend too much time there but the company and the view are great fun.  Last week to my favorite barstool came a new dark and sultry girl who nestled up to me and hung in there.  After I time I had got used to this and we subsequently went to a movie; same nestling.  She spoke pretty good English but not all at once so we moved on to a day together which was pretty wonderful as she preferred nestling to talking.  She started to tell me she was not the same as other girls (first warning bell); she wanted company not sex (2nd WB).  The third day I took the day off to consider; contact being by messenger.  4th day she wanted to buy some cheese and I said I would get her some but no she wanted to choose her own but we still meet in Big C (3rd WB) which cost me rather more than only cheese.  She had won the first round but she messages that she is really deeply sad person and doesn’t want to live (Round 2 starts with emotional blackmail).

Next day I don’t go out even though she messaged me that she was hungry.  So onto the 6th day and suddenly she is a torrent of verbiage starting with extreme indignation that, when she had been hungry, I hadn’t rushed round and fed her.  Her ‘friend’ joins in and we spend a bit of time ratcheting up the language.  (Game Set & Match to me).

Question: Rather than writing books for farangs do you suppose the bargirls would be surprised to learn how transparent they are to us?  Oh and forget the advice about the ant maybe tell us what is the Thai for ‘please stop talking’?

All in a days work.

PS I tried initializing ‘Game Set & Match’ but it didn’t look right!

Dear All in a days work,

I will answer the ant question.  You hold the glasses under running water and the ant will not be able to don his scuba in time and will be swept away.

Now to your rather superficial description of life with a bar girl, which you were quite happy to go along with, while you thought you had the upper hand.  However, when she applied the thumbscrews you called foul and now want the referee to penalize the perpetrator.  Well, my Petal, you and your ilk certainly can see through the bar girl ploys, but it isn’t a very difficult task.  And they can see through yours just as easily.  If you want to play the beer bar games, just don’t get so serious.

Dear Hillary,

An old GF has contacted me to say that she has split from her husband, has packed in her job and is going home (up country).  The SMS message was to tell me all that, and the request for some money as she hasn’t got any.  I said I could spare her 10,000 baht, but that was all.  Do you think that is a bit mean, or not?  It wasn’t really a GF relationship, just a bit on the side for an afternoon of fun every month or so.

Jim

Dear Jim,

Why are you asking this question?  You description of the relationship means she was really a ‘gik’, not a GF.  You have no legal responsibilities, so whatever you like to give her is really up to you.  You don’t know how many other men have been sent the same SMS, do you?  Just be careful your wife doesn’t ask where the money went!

Dear Hillary,

Read with pleasure the mail from Craig about his finding a wonderful wife there in Thailand.  I also was a widower and I could have written that letter.  Our situations are identical.  I married a wonderful Thai Lady 50 years old and we are now celebrating 12 years of wedded bliss.  Everything Craig indicated in his letter was the same.  So yes, there are others who have succeeded in finding that wonderful life partner.  Love your column and faithfully read it every week.  Keep up the good work.

Jerry and Tu Miller

Dear Jerry and Tu,

Thank you for the update.  I remember when you had only been together for six years.  You wrote, “After six happy years of marriage we are not only still together, but she is the love of my life and I of hers.  Yes, there were cultural differences to overcome and yes I married the whole family.  However we share a wonderful marriage here in the US and are looking forward to my retirement in the land of smiles.  We own our own home, have money in the bank and will have a very comfortable retirement thanks to this wonderful lady.

I am sure my experience is not unique, but you just can’t find a diamond in a pig pen.  Keep up the good work Hillary, enjoy your column every week.”

Well done, both of you!  However, what you have brought out is that most people do not write to an Agony Aunt when they have no problems, such as yourselves and Craig.  All Thai-Farang marriages are not the same, ATM cleared out and wife clears out as well.  Sick buffaloes, brothers with broken legs and loan sharks about to take the family rice paddy.  I have read them all.  Thank you for showing there is a balance in this country, and not every Thai woman is on the make.  By the way, has anyone got an old, discarded ATM with still some money in it/him?  Please let me know!

Dear Hillary,

We are new here, but enjoy the finer things in life, food, wine, etc.  Where would you recommend that we start looking.  We are asking you as you are obviously a refined lady and would understand that we don’t want to go traipsing around the place, to end up being disappointed.  We anxiously await your words of wisdom.

Jack and Anne

Dear Jack and Anne,

Oh my Petals, if only life were so simple.  Chocolates, caviar and French champagne (vintage of course) delivered by a handsome young man to my office every day.  Unfortunately, on my humble stipend, eating out is a som tum at the side of the street, and a large bottle of beer (they don’t sell it in small bottles).  However, I do have the answer for you, and it is right here in your weekly Pattaya Mail.  The Dining Out page will give you unbiased opinions of the local restaurants, and some tips on wines to go with the meal, all written by a lovely lady called Miss Terry Diner (say it quickly) and her Madame.  I do know that the Dining Out team are very keen on some of the wine dinners offered by our major hotels.  You can look them up in back issues of the Pattaya Mail on the web.

Dear Hillary,

I was told many years ago that you shouldn’t let your wife’s family come to stay with you, even just for a few days, as it always ends up for weeks or months.  I thought I was lucky because it never happened to me.  Relatives might stay one or two nights, but that was it.  Recently things have changed a lot now with her brother and her cousin and her mother all staying in the house with us.  They all stay in the one room which I think is a bit unhealthy, and they’ve been here for three months and there’s no sign of them leaving.  I asked my wife about it but she just says it’s OK and they’ll be going soon after they brother and cousin have got jobs and mother is just having a holiday.  What’s the next move, Hillary?  I have a close family in the UK, but they wouldn’t come and stay for ever.  Perhaps I should charge them rent?

Harry the House Husband

Dear Harry the House Husband,

You are now starting to see a little of what Thai society is all about, my Petal.  Family reigns supreme, and it is usual for them all to sleep in the same room.  It’s not unhealthy.  It is Thai.  When you got married, you joined a Thai family, much more than your wife joining your UK family.  After all, you married a Thai lady and chose to live in Thailand.  You would have to expect that Thai culture will be dominant.  You can try voicing your reluctance to have them there, but be prepared for difficulties.  This is your wife’s immediate family.  You can always try to find them jobs - in a far away city.  Lots of luck!

Dear Hillary,

I can see from reading your column this week that you are running out of serious issues, so I have one very important question for you.  Why do the Vanish Dishwasher tabs, with illustrated red power ball, sold in local supermarkets not actually contain the red power ball?  I have bought Vanish dishwasher tabs in Europe and there is always a red power ball. Do you think they are fake?  What is happening to all the red balls?  What can you do about it?  Should I petition trading standard, move to another country or get visiting friends to bring kosher supplies?

Best regards,

Tom

PS Recently we have noticed red worm like larvae (mosquito) in the bathroom toilet bowl of our condo unit in South Pattaya.  Some have even hatched out during the night, sadly only to be swatted the next morning.  Should we be worried, as this is also the same water we drink; not from the toilet obviously?  The water is supplied by the condo from tanks on the roof.

Dear Tom,

What a quandary you are in!  No balls in the kitchen and mozzies in the loo!  You are certainly in the wrong place, and the option of moving to another country might be the answer.  You have not come to terms with living in this country, have you?  Washing your own dishes!  Educated people don’t wash their own dishes and don’t care if their balls are red or white or tartan (you’re not Scottish are you)?  I don’t wash my own dishes, so why are you?

You must also remember that the maid you are denying employment for has two children in NE Thailand that she is supporting, and by doing your own dishes you are stopping two needy children’s education.  I hope you are suitably embarrassed by all this.

Now to the mozzie problem.  I am so relieved to read that you are not using the toilet water as drinking water, but you probably are in the dishwasher (without red balls).  Is this really fair?  Mosquitoes have their place in this life, remember, and swatting is an occupation listed only for Thai people, so you are in danger from the labor department as well as getting your posterior bitten.

The more I consider your “important questions”, the more I think I should devote my time to the really deserving people, you know, the ones who have been here for three minutes and want to buy a house for the GF’s parents, rather than people who are worried about the color of their balls.  Powerful or otherwise.