Every Thai woman I meet seems to be just the same - after a couple of weeks it is pleas for money for rent for the room she shares with others, or money for the upkeep of two kids being looked after by her mother while the husband has fled the scene. Best was one who was still seeing the boyfriend (the father of the two children) and who was also seeing number 1 and number 2 Mia Noi. You say to stay away from the bar girls, whose job it is to empty your (my) wallet, but your so-called “good” girls are just the same. Hand out for school fees, university fees, dental work, rent, and all the rest. The request comes a few seconds before the due date and leaves you with no time to find alternatives. I have asked the same question to other foreigners married to Thai women (or even not married, just living together) and they all say that Thai women are always on the lookout for a sucker. I have a ‘steady’ at present, but want to make sure I don’t end up taken to the cleaners. Your advice please, Hillary.
Lordy Lordy it’s Gordy,
My Petal, you are in a turmoil aren’t you. Do you want me to give you foolproof plans that will show you whether this girl will fleece you or otherwise? Gordy, those foolproof plans do not exist. You can leave money on the bedside table for years, but one day she might just need some and it will be gone. If the amount is large enough, she will be gone too. My advice is always the same. Fix on a monthly sum of money that you are happy to do without and tell her that is her allowance. How she spends it is up to her - you don’t want (or need) to know. If she wants more, or needs more, then she can save up as everyone does. Make that a fixed rule and you will never be taken to your cleaners, but be aware that she may look for someone offering a bigger monthly allowance! Up to you, Petal.
I have two children with my ex-wife. The kids (aged 12 and 10) spend their time half with me and half with their mother, but she is always trying to get them to stay over with her, when it is my turn. The kids are happy with the shared time (4 days with me and 3 days with her) but she is always trying to break the arrangement. Any advice for me?
The only advice I can give you in this sad situation, is to listen to what the children want. At their ages, they do understand what is going on, and their needs come before your ex-wife’s and your own. However, do be wary of offering “goodies” if they stay with you, instead of her, my Petal. You should also stay in touch with your “ex” as a ‘friend’. After all, you have the same interest in seeing the children grow up
Everybody must know by now if they read your column that there is a difference between the girls who work in the bar and the girls who work in regular jobs. What you say is for us to look for female company from the regular job girls. What you don’t say is that the regular jobby ones can’t speak English, are difficult to meet or get to know, while the ones who work from the bars can speak English and are easy to meet and are easy to get to know. For my money, give me the bar girl every time.
How astute of you, my Petal! Yes, there are great differences, and even more than the ones you mention, even such things as educational level. If all you are looking for is some female company, then the bar is the right place, but the problem comes when the customer (guys like you) then falls in love with their English speaking, easy to meet and know girl, and forget the fact that they are customers, not boyfriends. Thai girls do not choose to work out of a bar unless they are looking for quick money, without having any necessary qualifications to put them in high salary jobs. They are using their looks, their (presumed) sexuality and their ability to get money from their customers. You are paying for a commodity by meeting the fees demanded. When you fall in love with someone who is used to being fully paid for, the relationship is not really on the emotional plane, but in the financial one. And like all business deals, you can get burned. And many like you do. As you wrote “For my money, give me the bar girl every time.” And that’s what it is, Petal, your money and you are entitled to spend it any way you please, but don’t complain if you find it has all gone, and the girl’s “affections” with it. There is a phrase in business called ‘due diligence’. Apply it, Petal.
Last week I met a service lady in a restaurant/bar and we just clicked. The place was well above the average beer bar sort of place. I bought her a drink and she sat with me for a while, but then said she had to go back to serving at the tables. I said I would be back the next week, as I was going to do a visa run, and she was very happy that I would be coming back to see her. I know you tell all us expats to stay away from the bar ladies, and find a “good” Thai woman, but this is different (I think). When I walked in the week later, she remembered my name and sat with me again but said she wouldn’t be there after the weekend as she was going to have to work somewhere in Bangkok because she wasn’t making enough money down here in Pattaya. The salary she was getting down here was not much, even with tips, so I asked what she would get in Bangkok and it was only 5,000 baht more than she is getting here. I said I could give her 5,000 if she stayed here, so she said she would. I wasn’t sure if I was being a mug or not, but before the end of the month came, she asked me if she could get her 5,000 in advance, as she wanted to send some money to her mother, which I believe is the usual with Thai families. I did give it to her, but two weeks later she was asking for the next one in advance too. What do you think, Hillary? Am I being ripped off, but I hope I am not as I really like this lady.
Did she tell you about the two children that are being looked after by her mother? And the Thai husband who has run away without giving her anything? Or did she use the sick buffalo and brother with a broken leg from the motorcycle accident? My Petal, you are definitely being ripped off by a smart Thai lady, who knows how to manipulate newbies such as you. Sure, she will be delightful company and will soon have you wrapped around her little finger (if she hasn’t done that already), while you make frequent trips to the nearest ATM (and she will be able to tell you where it is). Forget your 5,000 baht and call it a fee towards your education. And forget her, quickly! And never go to that place again.
Is it safe to make an arrangement to meet someone through a social network? I have been chatting for a couple of weeks to a woman who lives fairly close to me, and she has been suggesting that we should meet for dinner. I am no spring chicken (64), and neither is she (42 years old and divorced she said) so we aren’t silly teenagers. I just worry a bit about what I can be letting myself in for?
It is safe enough, as long as you remember that details given out over social networks are not necessarily the truth. Hiding behind a computer screen it is easy to say you are 42 when actually the truth is 52. What if she isn’t divorced but is just looking for a bit on the side (a “gik” in Thai culture)? And the husband is a black belt in karate? Go on your blind date, my Petal, but don’t hold out great hopes. If nothing else you get a nice meal out of it. Miss Terry Diner’s column each week will give you plenty of ideas as to where to go.
I read in the papers that there has been a crackdown recently about copy goods - shirts, CDs and watches and the like. Pictures of them being burnt in the street and all. Why is this? Everyone knows that you go to Asia to buy real bargains. I always bring back a sack of watches and all the latest movies on DVD and some footy shirts for the blokes. What’s wrong with this? If I can’t get the stuff in Thailand any more, do you know where I can get them? I like Thailand, but I have to look at what I can take back to sell, to pay for the trip.
Dear Copy Cat,
This is what they call a vexed question, Petal. How would you feel if you made some type of special goods and your living came from selling them throughout the world and then found that cheap copies were being marketed at half the price you sell them for, and you don’t get anything from that sale? Mind you, I think that many of these overseas goods are highly over-priced too. The whole question of copyright is well beyond me, I’m afraid. I’m just worried about getting landed with ‘copy’ champagne. As to where you can go to get the things you want - the markets here still have them I believe, but don’t tell the powers that be. Unless the powers that be are running the market!
I’m a bit new to Thailand, so I’m probably not the first to ask this, but why do Thai women sit sideways on motorcycles? When did it start? Have they always done this? You would never see anything like this in England, so it really blows me away every time.
Dear Sideways Sam,
You seem to have your eyes open here, but you must have had them closed in the UK. Go to any horsey event and you will see the women riding side-saddle. Even the Queen of England rides side-saddle for the trooping of the colour. However, getting back to your question regarding riding side-saddle here, it is for the sake of decency, young man. How can a woman in a long skirt, or even more in a short skirt, look polite and decorous with the hem hitched up above the hips, and legs hanging down each side of motorcycle (or horse or elephant)? Thai women have had wrap skirts for years and rode buffaloes side-saddle, long before the motorcycle arrived in the villages.
Would you prefer it if we gazetted laws like those in Connecticut, with Section 14-289c saying, “Any person who rides sidesaddle on a motorcycle and any operator of a motorcycle who permits such riding or who carries a passenger on any motorcycle not designed for passengers shall have committed an infraction.” It could be worse, in Montana’s State laws, “No passenger shall be carried in a position that will interfere with the operation of the motorcycle or quadricycle or the view of the operator. And again, “No person operating a motorcycle or quadricycle shall carry any packages, bundles, or articles which would interfere with the operation of said vehicle in a safe and prudent manner.” Those two laws would bring the local motorcycle community here to a grinding halt. No small child in front of the rider, and a side-saddle passenger or two on behind and no shopping bags hanging from the rear vision mirrors. The streets would be empty, Petal!
I was told many years ago that you shouldn’t let your wife’s family come to stay with you, even just for a few days, as it always ends up for weeks or months. I thought I was lucky because it never happened to me. Relatives might stay one or two nights, but that was it. Recently things have changed a lot now with her brother and her cousin and her mother all staying in the house with us. They all stay in the one room which I think is a bit unhealthy, and they’ve been here for three months and there’s no sign of them leaving. They are quiet and do help around the house and garden, but this wasn’t what I really expected. I asked my wife about it but she just says it’s OK and they’ll be going soon after the brother and cousin have got jobs and mother is just having a holiday. Well I wish I could have three month holidays. What’s the next move, Hillary? Enough’s enough, surely. I have a close family in the UK, but they wouldn’t come and stay for ever.
Harry the House Husband
Dear Harry the House Husband,
You are now starting to see a little of what Thai society is all about, my Petal. Family reigns supreme, and it is usual for them all to sleep in the same room. It’s not unhealthy. It is Thai. When you got married, you joined a Thai family, much more than your wife joining your UK family. After all, you married a Thai lady and chose to live in Thailand. You would have to expect that Thai culture will be dominant. You can try voicing your reluctance to have them there, but be prepared for difficulties. This is your wife’s immediate family. You can always try to find them jobs - in a far away city. Lots of luck!
I wanted a haircut so I went to my usual barbers the other day, to find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the next one, and it was closed as well. Asking around with my friends, I was told that all barbers close on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking at. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day. I had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub instead. Is it a goverment (sic) rule or what? Just sign me Hairy Harry.
Dear Hairy Harry,
Aren’t you lucky, it was just the Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer! Your friends were correct, the barbers close on Wednesday (write out the correct spelling 100 times, Petal). It is not a government (write this one out 100 times as well) rule, but comes from the fact that we consider it to be bad luck to cut our hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather than spread the bad luck. It is something like the old religious edict of “no meat on Fridays” overseas, which gave the butchers a holiday as well.
I don’t think that Thai women have the vaguest clue to honesty in a relationship. It does not surprise me that Thai women have been voted as the world’s biggest cheats, and this in a country where not committing adultery is written into the five basic ideas that all Buddhists are supposed to follow. I think they have a totally different idea as to what is morally right. I think they work on the principal that if they don’t get caught, then it is OK. Listen to a bunch of Thai women talking and it is a competition to see how many have a “gik”, and then how many “giks” at one time. The “gik” idea works well for these women as they can pick them up and put them down as and when they wish. There are no regular money payments to leave the “follow the money” trail or anything like that, so they think they can get away with it. The survey showing that six out of 10 Thai women have affairs while married must mean that the Thai women have a different idea as to what is expected in a marriage, even though it is in the Buddhist precepts. Yes, Hillary, I was cheated on, but never again. She is now just an ex-wife and from now on I will rent, not buy.
I am sad to see that you are still hurting, but you have to understand that you can’t make another person see life as you see life. What is considered as being OK in Thai culture may not be the same as within the western culture. Relationships are certainly different, and to look for the four out of 10 Thai women who don’t cheat is too much of a lottery for you, my Petal. You have the correct idea to rent. You may change your mind later, but avoid deep commitment at this stage.
I wanted to take out this girl from my office. I suggested dinner at a very good restaurant and when I asked where should I pick her up, she said that she would meet me there at the restaurant. When she turned up (late) she had another girl with her and we ended up eating as a threesome, with me paying of course. They chatted to each other all the way through the meal and all but ignored me. They both ordered the most expensive dishes on the menu and couldn’t eat all their food and insisted on being given doggy bags to take home. I was going to run them home, but they said that they were going clubbing and said good night. What is the score here, Hillary? Am I being taken for a mug, or what?
Vic the Visa card
Dear Vic the Visa card,
I am afraid that the girl from the office, on whom you had designs, does not regard the association with you as deep as your hopes for a liaison with her. Look at the big picture, Petal. Even though it is common for Thai girls to bring a chaperone in the early stages of a relationship, the disregard for you and the expensive orders and going clubbing and not inviting you does not look like someone trying to impress you, does it? Put it down to experience, Vic and probably try to evaluate any relationship a little further before jumping in with invitations to expensive restaurants.