Wednesday, 29 July 2015 13:15

A warning

Dear Hillary,

I think foreigners should read “Only 13” to get a clear understanding of what these girls’ mindsets may be. I am not saying there are not great girls out there, but this girl is scary and perhaps western men should get a clue.



Dear Peter,

Yes I know the book and have read it. As you say, she is quite ‘scary’, but what you have to remember is not all Thai girls are like her, with psychotic tendencies. Another book I recommend is Stephen Leather’s Private Dancer where the girl is perfectly sane, but out to get whatever she can. Do I get the feeling that you’ve had a bad experience recently?

Wednesday, 29 July 2015 13:11

Where do you buy a tin helmet?

Dear Hillary,

Over here we are being told that Thailand is not safe, there’s a military coup, soldiers everywhere, not allowed to have more than five people together at one time. It sounds like the Balkans. What has happened to the Land of Smiles?



Dear Roger,

I don’t know where you are getting your information from, but it is wrong, wrong, wrong. We are not walking around in flak jackets and tin hats. I haven’t seen a soldier for weeks, and you wouldn’t know there was an army appointed government if you didn’t read the newspapers. Thailand is better than it has been for quite some time. But don’t take my word for it, my Petal, just come over and see for yourself. Hotels will never be cheaper than they are right now, caused by the financial problems in the world. Nothing to do with the Thai economy, which is in good shape. Tell you what – come over and you can buy me a coffee and you will see just how cheap everything is here.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015 13:06

Try an older lady

Dear Hillary,

I do get tired of reading about all these people who complain they have been ripped off by Thai women. My first Thai wife and I had a wonderful relationship which only ended after 10 years when she died. My second Thai wife has just been so loving and caring. She was a friend of my previous wife and she knew the sad story, but was there to support me. The men who write in to you, Hillary, should start to look at older women and not these flirty young gold diggers they see in the bars.



Dear William,

It always pleases me to get emails like yours. You are correct that Thai women can be the most supportive women on earth. You are a very lucky man William, who looked beyond the beer bars.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015 13:05

Eating as a SE Asian games event

Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF no sooner finishes eating than she’s ready to go again. She’s as thin as a rake, but eats all the time. Her mates are all just the same, finish one round and they’re ready for the next. It gets me, I go out after the third course. What’s the secret, Hillary?



Dear Wondering,

Is that “wondering” or “wandering” I wonder? What do you do between courses four and five? No, Petal, eating is more than just a meal for your Thai GF, it is a very social time when friends can get together and share the food. That can occur at any time of day or night, but the food they eat, such as the favorite som tam is not high in sugar and calories, so that’s why your GF remains thin. The chilli also hurries the food through the system. As the TV program warns “Don’t try this at home!” The real som tum can be far too spicy for foreigners.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015 13:02

5,000 baht vision of loveliness

Dear Hillary,

I need your advice urgently, Hillary my Petal! I know I should have known better, after all I am not new to this country, but there I was at my usual bar and met this vision of loveliness. She spoke very little English but seems like a very genuine person and we got along just fine. She comes from Udon Thani, but that’s about all I managed to find out about her after about four hours and several “lady drinks”. The biggest problem was only that she doesn’t speak much English, but we got by OK. By the end of the night I was pretty drunk and I ended up lending her 5000 baht, which she was going to return three days later. It’s now a week later and I haven’t heard from her. What should I do? Should I go back to the bar and ask for my money? Should I keep going, or should I give up now before I get in too deep?



Dear Nelson,

You’ve got the telescope to the blind eye. Haven’t you! After four hours of lady drinks you give this “vision of loveliness” 5,000 baht. How were you communicating with your vision? It wasn’t English, according to you, so I presume it must have been in Braille. That is 5,000 baht you will never see again. But look at it this way – there is a very grateful buffalo up there in Udon Thani, thinking about you. And by the way, I am not your Petal, Petal!

Wednesday, 22 July 2015 14:05

Lady needs a ‘facial’

Dear Hillary,

Do all Thai women feel they can’t move in with you because other people might talk about them, and they would lose face? Quite happy about the idea of moving in, but can’t because “nice” Thai women don’t do that. We go to ST rooms, everything good, but no overnighters. Got me bluffed.



Dear George,

You have met up with an ordinary Thai woman, for whom ‘face’, or how they are seen by others, is important. As you have experienced, “concepts” are not a problem, it is just the here and now that she is wary of. It will take much time and persuasion for her to risk her face. Look for another my Petal. This one is too difficult for you, I’m afraid.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015 14:04

A bit more than just cuddly

Dear Hillary,

I have been with this one woman for about six years. She was a pretty little thing and I was always happy to be seen with her, but when I came back this time after six weeks in the sand box, she’s turned into a fat toad. I don’t want to be seen with her in case people start to feel sorry for me. What’s my options?



Dear Sandy,

You have many options, Petal. You can cut and run, leaving everything you collected in the past six years. You can ignore the weight gain, but hide all cameras. Or the best way – tell her how much you loved her when she was a little petite lady, and can she go on a diet to get down to her original weight again? She will either cut up your trousers (be careful if you’re wearing them at the time), or physically throw you out, or point out your beer belly. That’s about it, Sandy. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. I’m sure she didn’t put on all that weight in six weeks!

Wednesday, 22 July 2015 14:03

How much for a divorce?

Dear Hillary,

I’m lining up for a divorce after three years separation. I don’t want to spend heaps on this, but she won’t agree with divorce unless I give her large alimony payments. How to get around this?



Dear Will,

As you have found out, to your sorrow, that where there’s a will, there’s always a won’t. Your (about to be ex-) wife doesn’t have all the aces, Petal, but go and see a lawyer. Tell him or her that you only have so much money, and can they do the job for that amount? If they can’t then all you can do is tell the judge your situation. Lots of luck.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015 14:03

Don’t get your haircut at the bar beer!

Dear Hillary,

I have had a jokey type relationship with my hairdresser for about six months. Last week she made it clear (I thought) that she would be interested in a little after hours fun, and we ended up with some slap and tickle in the back of the salon, nothing too deep, just what you’d call petting. I dropped by today with the idea of floating the idea of her closing the shop for an hour or two one afternoon, but she was not even in for a bit of a cuddle, so I did not pursue the idea. What gives with these Thai women, Hillary? I’ve had this before with lots of sexy suggestions, but then backing out at the last minute. Is this the way their culture demands or what? And should I keep trying with this dame?



Dear Johnson,

My Petal, you have mistaken harmless fun with the real thing. Your hairdresser is just trying to keep you as a customer. A little snog every so often does not mean that she is ready for a roll between the covers at the local Lonely Hearts Hotel, room by the hour. Don’t get so serious with these ladies, they are just having some fun with you, but that’s all. If you are only looking for short term rumpy pumpy company then a bar beer, rather than a barber, is where you go. Understand now?

Wednesday, 22 July 2015 14:00

Will it be copy Pattaya Mails next?

Dear Hillary,

I see that there has been a crackdown recently about copy goods – shirts, CD’s and watches and the like. Pictures of them being burnt in the street and all. Why is this? Everyone knows that you go to Asia to buy real bargains. I always bring back a sack of watches and all the latest movies on DVD and some footy shirts for the blokes. What’s wrong with this? If I can’t get the stuff in Thailand any more, do you know where I can get them? I like Thailand, but I have to look at what I can take back to sell, to pay for the trip.

Copy Cat


Dear Copy Cat,

Sorry about your holiday expenses business, but most countries are now closing those loopholes. Monsieur Louis Vitton and Columbia Pictures have more clout than you have, my Petal. However, all things are possible in Thailand – go to the local markets and try there! Wear an overcoat and dark glasses.

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