Background Music

Dear Editor:

I am a music lover who listens to tapes and CDs in my home. I sometimes go to discos and noisy bars by choice. But ‘Background Music’ is something else.

I am old enough to remember ‘War Time Britain’, when music ‘as you work’ was introduced by the BBC radio at all places of work. It was supplemented by gramophone records.

This was supposed to boost morale and production in the national effort.

My next recollection was ‘elevator’ music in the US and music played on the Tokyo underground with service announcements.

Since the late eighties the soothing background music can be anything from Heavy Metal to Rap played at full volume in department stores, coffee shops and hotel lobbies.

Even the humble WC doesn’t escape this invasion of privacy. Telephone conversations aren’t overlooked. While waiting to be connected to your party, you are blasted by music and not allowed time to compose your thoughts.

The list is endless; Hospitals and mini-bars in the UK. This noise is far worse in the West but Asia is quickly catching up.

Can anyone out there offer any solutions? Do multi-national companies do research? Do you put your comments in the suggestion box when available?

Smoking in public is anti-social, so we’re told.

Can anyone hear me above the music.

Ken O’Sullivan

Teetha appeals for less windsurf “coverage”

Dear Mr. Editor,

Hi! Hi! Hi! Teetha is a bit worried. Being a big fan of windsurfing, Teetha was at the competitions, in a lovely bikini made of two small fishing nets, oh so ‘fashionable’. It was truly exciting, watching these young men... oh, and women, pitting themselves against the sea and conquering it!

But to say that Teetha was disappointed with your coverage was an understatement. During the competitions, the surfers were dressed properly for the sport. Such lovely and form-fitting outfits which left nothing to the imaginatio... Anyhoo.

Then she opens the paper and what does she see? For shame! You had taken pictures of the surfers all covered up. Soooo unfashionable! Teetha would like to bring this to your attention. Not that this is of any interest to Teetha but she has had so many people, both male AND female complain that they would have much rather seen the burley and shapely windsurfers posed with their boards in the proper costumes which are very ‘tasteful’ and show the human body at its best, especially all those young men with rippling muscles and bulging biceps which make up a veritable ‘smorgasboard’ of nations, which could be culturally instructive in the discipline of physical anthropology and attract many more viewers wanting to see lovely bodies which make one dizzy with desi... never mind.

Teetha Clench

Inefficient fire patrol

Dear Sir:

Earlier today, we were treated to another display of that ‘AMAZING’ government efficiency. In the early afternoon, there arose a small grass fire near the south end of Soi Jume on the west side of the road. I had gone down there to investigate the smoke in the air. As I arrived, there was a tanker truck just leaving. I do not know what he had done before I arrived.

A few minutes after I returned home, my wife and daughter called my attention to a much greater volume of smoke further north on the same side of the street. This time, flames were also visible. I asked my wife to call the fire department, which she did. This was about one o’clock. I walked back to the corner of our Soi and Soi Jume to get a better look and estimate of what was going on. About fifteen or twenty minutes later, either the same or a similar tanker showed up... without water. Fifteen minutes after that, a ‘captain’ or something and his helper arrived (in a BMW) to take charge and this gentleman told the tanker driver where to go to get water. About thirty minutes later, a pumper with a water cannon arrived, also without water. Meanwhile, the captain’s helper hung around, laughing and joking with the neighbors, whose shop-houses were being threatened. All the time these non-activities were taking place (or not taking place), the fire was continuing to race northward, destroying nests and baby birds, whose parents were frantically flying above the fire, unable to rescue their loved ones.

I have only two questions. Why in the world did they send a truck without water? Where did they come from? Chonburi or Sattahip. Sorry. Three.

An outsider looking in

More for the list...

Dear Sir,

You know you’ve been in Thailand too long when:

1. You look four ways before crossing a one way street.
2. You’ve bought a house for a Thai bar girl, or at least a motorcycle.
3. You begin to enjoy Thai TV programs.
4. You think it’s normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m.
5. You realize that ALL your problems are caused by Thai girls or cranky ATMs.
6. You know all the bars and people mentioned in Trink’s page.
7. A Thai cop stops you for a minor infraction and you automatically reach for your wallet.
8. You think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car.
9. All your tee-shirts are emblazoned with the name of a bar.
10. You can’t remember the last time you wore a suit and tie. You think a safari jacket and jeans are formal attire.
11. Your Thai girlfriend has more gold than you.
12.Someone asks you what Thailand is famous for and you reply, ‘hookers, spicy food and corruption’.
13. Someone tells you that watching Thai politics is like watching two chameleons making love and you understand the analogy.
14. The most important event of your day is the announcement of the exchange rate.
15. You aren’t upset when the Isaan bar girl next to you eats beetles as a snack.
16. Later the same night, you actually kiss the Isaan bar girl who earlier dined on the beetles.
17. You haven’t had a solid stool for five years.
18. Your most prized possessions are your passport and credit cards.
19. You wake up in the morning and realize that you have nowhere to go and all day to get there.
20. You think white wine goes well with Som Tam.
21. You understand when your Thai wife says, ‘My friend you’ or ‘Same, same, but different.’
22. You need money quickly, so you realize that there certainly is no point in going inside a Thai bank.
23. A Thai bar girl you’ve just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill and you just laugh and walk away.
24. A newly arrived tourist asks how long it takes for a Thai girl to reach orgasm and you respond, ‘Who cares?’
25. You don’t mind when a Thai cuts in front of you in line. Instead, you just stand on his foot and pretend ignorance.
26. You aren’t surprised when your Thai girlfriend covers her mouth when picking her teeth then openly picks her nose.
27. You realize that your Thai wife’s loyalties belong to 1. Her parents. 2. Her brats from a previous marriage to a Thai scoundrel who deserted her. 3. Any remaining blood relatives. 4. The family buffalo. 5. The family’s goldfish. 6. You. (This pecking order is inviolate.)
28. The Thai Navy buys a new submarine and you’re not surprised when the first thing they do is remove the mufflers and hang a garland from the rear view mirror.
29. Your Thai girlfriend gets angry when you tell her ‘No, honey, no money, no funny.’
30. You consider you mobile phone a fashion accessory.
31. You no longer enjoy Songkran in Pattaya. Instead, you stay home with a stack of videotapes.
32. It’s two days before payday, so you only go to bars with balloons strung outside.
33. You realize that all the important words in Thai begin with the letter ‘S’. Sanuk (Fun), Saduak (convenient), Sabai (comfortable), Suay (pretty).
34. You believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of foreplay.
35. You think a calendar more useful than a watch.
36. You realize that the only way to become millionaire in Thailand is to start off as a billionaire.
37. You’re discussing Thai girls with a farang buddy and you say, ‘Yeah, I’ve got her exactly where she wants me.’
38. You go to a Thai Boxing match and a soccer game breaks out.
39. You stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus.

Scoring

0-5: You’re fresh off the boat, but there may be hope for you yet. Concentrate on living like a Thai, keeping in mind that it is not a race but a culture.

6-15: You’ve been here a while, but still a bit green. You probably have too many farang friends. Hang in there; perversion is its own reward.

Over 15: An old Thai hand. If you live to be 100, you still won’t be able to understand these people. How long since you’ve visited your poor old mom or had a meal in which you could identify all the ingredients? Seriously though, don’t tell your friends back home how good it is here, lest we get deluged with a bunch of yahoos in the 0-5 range.

Lee Gordon
Denizen of Pattaya

Copyright 1998 Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, Chonburi 20260, Thailand 
Tel.66-38 411 240-1, 413 240-1, Fax:66-38 427 596; e-mail: [email protected]
Created by Andy Gombaz, assisted by Chinnaporn Sangwanlek.