Let's get Physical

by The Urban Peasant

This is not about a man and a woman getting intimate from an album in an old Olivia Newton-John hit. Neither am I suggesting a fight. This is a serious issue about getting an annual physical examination, and I mean the kind that is done by your doctor only.

A lot of people tend to ignore their physical checkups, thinking they are fine and healthy. The actual truth is they don’t want to spend their money on checkups, and they are scared of doctors and needles, just as they are scared of dentists and drillers. International statistics (gathered domestically) shows that instead of going to medical physicians, millions of people just buy countertop medicine prescribed by the famous Mo Tee (Chinese boy/ counter-doctor) to cure their physical illnesses.

Instead of going to psychiatrists when they have nervous breakdowns from the agony of their husbands having ‘mia nois’, many women go to mediums and hairdressers to cure their emotional illnesses. More often than not they get worse.

Instead of going to the dentist when their teeth need plaque scraping and cavity filling, they use bleaching toothpaste, thinking white teeth means healthy teeth, the same way some people think all demimondaines who have fair complexions, clean toenails, and dress well are free from HIV.

As for the cavities that need filling, they use marshmallows.

Let me tell you that a physical checkup is not all that horrifying compared to other horrors in your life, like your children’s puberty blues attacks and your spouse’s irresistible mid-life temptations. Not to mention your own mid-life crisis, with hot flushes and cold flashes, wrinkles and sags, but we’ll talk about that some other time.

I had the horror, I mean, honor of having a physical during the past Chinese New Year holidays. Actually I get one every year but this year was different. I paid three times what I usually pay. The doctor’s fees went up, the hospital fees went up, but the only thing that went down was the baht.

I went to see the doctor with a headache complaint. I knew in my heart that it was my sinus and eyes problem. (You know, the usual self fooling old-timer who is long-sighted but refuses to wear reading glasses.)

After having questioned me about my experience with migraines and my regular neurotic behavior, the neurologist asked me to take my shoes off, he then used an instrument to scratch lightly under my foot. He looked up to me and said, "You must be thinking I’m nuts to be doing this."

You bet.

He went on. "You see if there’s something wrong with the brain, when I scrape the paw the toe would twitch up."

I nodded with confusion.

He suggested an MIB, I mean MRI (Magnetic Resonance Image) to see how much brain I have, in every angle.

"Are you kidding? An MRI exam costs a fortune."

"We can’t take any chances." (of losing naive patients like you, besides the hospital needs your fortune for its future)

He also suggested a blood test, brain wave test, heart test, lung X-ray, sinuses check, eye test and pap smear.

Why a pap smear? Let me enlighten you with my lighter. Our whole body and mind are one. They live together in a balanced harmony like Yin and Yang. (Don’t ask me who these Gizmos are) If somehow one of them should have a problem, the other would also suffer, like Romeo and Juliet. So the next time you have a headache, get a pap smear, period.

We started off with the blood test. The nurse slapped my forehand, poked a needle into it, pulled it out and inserted a tube to suck out the blood. After the first tube had been filled she inserted a second tube.

"Are you by any chance feeding Count Dracula in this hospital?" I asked. She didn’t smile, but instead gave me a look that reminded me of someone. Oh no, it couldn’t be Michelle Pfiefer when she turned into a wolf. Maybe I’m losing too much blood.

The next stop was the MRI. The radiation technician smiled radiantly thinking she had finally gotten another victim to feed into the tunnel of the doomed. She made me lie on the bed at the mouth of the tunnel and started to strap down my feet, legs, body, arms, neck, chin, forehead, and put another mask-like piece of plastic on my face. On top of that she shoved the earplugs into my ears to minimize the magnetic machine sounds.

"Don’t move while you’re in the tunnel."

"And you still think I can? Just put me in a straight-jacket, will you?"

"If you have any removable false teeth or bridges you should take them out." Her warning made me wonder if your false teeth would be pulled out by the magnet and thrown out of the tunnel if you didn’t.

"No, I only have a permanent crown." Just like the queen of England, I thought. If you divorce a prince then you only get a temporary crown, and you would have to call it a removable bridge. Picture the headlines, ‘The Princess of England attended the gala dinner wearing a stunning removable diamond bridge.’

She put a rubber presser in my hand, similar to the type people used for constipation some years ago.

"If you need something just squeeze it." Suddenly it occurred to me that I was going to be strapped and helplessly still for the next 45 minutes in the tunnel of the doomed. I started to panic. What if my nose itches. I quickly asked her to unstrap my arm for a second for the last ‘cigarette’. I rubbed my nose and eyes and scratched the side of my hips.

"O.K. I’m ready for the launch."

From the control room the technician pressed the button and the launch pad slid into the tunnel. The sounds in the tunnel were really entertaining. The first beat was like the sound of the ‘Seaview’ submarine, it went ‘PONG, ...PONG, ...PONG’ except it was a bit faster. After a few minutes another beat was added. PONGcha, PONGcha, PONGcha’. Then other beats were added in between the PONGchas, the ‘TUTUTUTUTUTUTUT, and the TISHTISHTISH,SHUGSHU SHUGSHUG, KLUGKLUGKLUGKLUG and the laser gun sounds. I pictured myself strapped to a pole above a pot of boiling chicken stock in an African drum celebration accompanied by Brazilian carnival samba music in the middle of a Star War laser shooting.

After the technician was satisfied with the hundred and one angles of what was left of my brain, she unstrapped me and sent me on my way to the next chopping board.

The next stop was the lung X-ray. The technician asked me to put small strips of tape on the vital parts of my chest. I asked her why, thinking maybe it was to protect them from the radiation. She said it was only to indicate the exact position. Yeah, but why, she didn’t say. I could only guess the worst. A relocation to an inactive post.

A brain wave test was next. I don’t know why they were so interested to know what’s in my intelligent mind as they were too primitive to comprehend it anyway.

Then it was off to the pap smear clinic. I’d rather not go into detail on this, but before I left the room I asked the doctor if getting a mammogram test was a good idea and whether it hurts. The doctor looked kind of bored and told me apart from the fact that a mammography is more thorough in detecting lumps, that it was just a machine that sucks money into the hospital. And yes, any machine that will press and squash any part of your anatomy is definitely going to hurt.

I told him I would think about it for a couple of decades.

The ENT was a piece of cake. The doc just looked into my nostrils.

"Mmmmmmmm" - Looked at the MRI X-ray.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm" - Looked into my nostrils again, checked my throat and ears and said, "It’s only a little sinusitis. This could have caused the headaches. The hollow in the nose is a bit swollen and crooked."

"Crooked? I want a second opinion."

"All right, it’s also ugly."

He prescribed some medicine and asked me to come back after a week for more suction, of money.

The eye doctor was the last in line to chop my wallet on the board.

She put some liquid into my eyes to dilate the retina. Then she asked me to look up, down, and sideways while she flashed the spotlight, or so it seemed, into my eyes. As if that didn’t hurt enough she told me that I had small holes in the retina that needed laser treatment. Nobody ever suggested laser treatment for the black hole in the sky.

She said I should do it immediately to avoid further retinal tear.

Another piece of cake, only this time the cake was stale and bitter.

She put an equipment to hold my eyelids open while she flashed away with a laser. After ten flashes I started to feel faint. Tears poured down like ocean water in the Titanic ballroom, never freezing anyone to death until they were thrown out of the ship. I told her to stop and asked how long the treatment was going to be.

"Oh, about hundred or so laser shoots."

I’m going to make it and get it over with, I thought.

When the laser was shot for the twentieth time I started to faint. The doctor seemed a little annoyed to be interrupted during her laser fun.

"Maybe you should come back later, when you’re ready." She started reaching for her bags to leave.

"No, wait, I can come back this evening," I said tearfully.

"Sorry, I won’t be here."

"How about tomorrow morning? I’m already admitted. If I do it later the insurance company won’t cover it."

"Sorry, I’m going to be away for a while. This is my summer vacation. I’d like to ask you to come back in four weeks."

"But doc, you said I needed urgent treatment."

"Sorry, it’s Chinese New Year, and I’m out of here. Besides, I have to hurry for any devalued Ang Pao I may get this year."

"But doc, this was the main reason I’m here for, not for a brain checkup. ...Doc ...wait!"

The nurse wheeled me back to my room. I was exhausted with a throbbing headache from the Star Wars eye laser. As I was lying helplessly on the hospital bed I thought, "That doc really abandoned my retina for the Ang Pao." Too bad, because her cheque is going to a Cheng Meng celebration. Tough!

I was thinking of more revenge on that doc when the nurse came in with lots of needles and tubes and a plastic bottle.

"How are you?" She beamed at the needles. "Khun doctor ordered the IV drops for you because you were so exhausted and wanted to faint. (Also we need to make more money from you)

"I didn’t want to faint; I WAS going to faint."

She started patting my forehand and aimed the needle.

"Oops! A near miss." As my blood vein kept swelling up ready to erupt, she swayed the needle around to find the actual path. I wanted to faint.

"Mmmmm, I wonder what’s blocking it?" She muttered almost innocently.

"Use TNT. It’s faster." I gave up.

When she finally pushed the needle through and left only the plastic tube inside I asked her to inject some tranquilizers and painkillers into the IV.

"And while you’re at it you could also put in other kinds of hallucinating medicine to make me forget that @#*eye doctor."

"Anything! Upper, downer, sider, circler, speed, retarder, LSD or even DDT."

She thought I was going crazy and told me she would consult with my neurologist to see if I needed another MRI test for my brain.

Sriracha enjoys Kong Khao ceremony

by Veerachai Somchart

As a cooperative effort of the city of Sriracha and the Tourism Authority of Thailand, the Kong Khao ceremony was held in Sriracha after the Songkran Festival, from April 19-21.

The ceremony was held in the Koh Loy public park and the Sriracha city office. The ceremony is to preserve, revive and encourage Thai culture for Thai young people in Thailand and in foreign countries. It is also in response to government policy to encourage tourism.

Thai sweets and food were sold at the ceremony and many performances were held. An Antrakal ceremony was also held with Mr. Sonthaya Khumpleum, the Deputy Minister of Communications presiding. Also present were Chatchai Thimkrajang, the Mayor of Sriracha and Mr. Khomsan Eakachai, the District Chief of Sriracha.

On April 21 there was a traditional Kong Khao parade with members of the community and various clubs participating, with thirty floats. The parade began in Sriracha City at 3:00 p.m. and moved along Sukhumvit Road, ending in front of the Sriracha fire station.

At 18:30, there was a Buang Suang and Kong Khao ceremony to propitiate evil sprits with no families. It also propitiates good spirits.

Sriracha is known as the ‘Land of Surasak Montri’, which was the royal title given to the founder of the city. A light and sound show was performed to honour the city’s founder. There were also shows entitled ‘The Way of Life of the People of Sriracha’, ‘Opening the Bay of Sriracha’ and Jatupark, Jatujai Thai Thua La’.

The ‘Muay Tab Jark’ drew special interest as the boxer was the famous transvestite boxer ‘Nong Toom’. He performed the famous ‘Wai Khru’ dance, which pays respects to one’s teacher. He then gave a demonstration of ‘Muay Tab Jark’ which is very popular on the Eastern Seaboard.

The ceremony is native to Chonburi and has been celebrated for eons. It is celebrated in many districts in Chonburi.

The one rule of the Kong Khao ceremony is that any food brought to the ceremony may not be taken home. It is left for hungry animals.

Thirteen reasons to give up golf

1. You acknowledge you are strongly attracted to water.

2. You think a Texas Wedge is a big burger with extra relish.

3. Sand ants leave in droves as you approach the bunker.

4. Your plastic tee ordinarily travels further than the ball.

5. Your caddy regularly takes up position behind a tree.

6. You observe that the quality of golf clubs has deteriorated of late.

7. Your memorable moment has been to hit the golf cart.

8. Small children, selling bags of golf balls, follow you for all 18 holes.

9. Your partners shout "Give" even before you reach for your putter.

10. The club manager, carrying broken glass, asks you to come to his office.

11. You believe the term "Birdie" applies only to nature lovers.

12. You rejoice in the fact you don’t have a Handicap.

13. An ambulance is usually to be found on the club car park on Wednesday afternoons.

The adventures of attending a beauty contest

by Teetha Clench
Pattaya Mail’s Fashion Editor

Oh! Oh! Oh! Life can be such a bother sometimes. Teetha is in a bit of a dither. All of you know that the very first ‘Miss Pattaya’ beauty pageant was held at the Dusit Resort on April 25, this very evening. Teetha, ever punctual, had to be on time.

After a charitable afternoon visit to the Pattaya ‘Home for Unwed Fathers’, at which Teetha stayed a bit too long, she was in a rush to get home and tart up for the pageant. But how the time had flown! Of course, our readers understand, Teetha’s charity work is all important. What was she to do, just leave all those lonely young men at ‘The Home’ without giving each her special attention?

Rushing into the house, she found her backless evening gown laying on the bed. The gown is also frontless, preventing a world of worries. One can slip it on either way without even looking; and having a zipper on each side makes it just that much easier.

Being so late, this was no time for art work. Teetha pulled a handy ‘Stencil-a-Face’ out of her drawers. These cunning inventions are ideal for the woman in a hurry. Just place the ‘Stencil-a-Face’ on and apply the make-up as you want. The ‘Stencil-a-Face’ makes sure the paint goes in only the right places.

They are handy, but not infallible. Teetha was in such a hurry! There was a bit of a mix-up with eye shadow and lipstick. But cerulean blue lips and ruby red eyes could actually start a new fashion. No time to worry. If anyone said anything really nasty, Teetha always had her two cans of Mace.

Or thought she would have them. Rushing out of the house and down the Soi, Teetha had forgotten the craven Soi dogs. The locals seem to enjoy releasing these monster beasts and allowing them to terrorize the neighbours. Teetha managed to beat two of the pack into submission with a well placed high-heel to the forehead. But one of the others took this opportunity to tear a large piece out of her dress. He succumbed to a wallop from Teetha’s very full purse. The real problem was Blitzkrieg, a nasty Doberman-Pit-Bull combination. Half a can of Mace and the demon still wouldn’t give up. Two cans of Mace in hand, Teetha gave the devil both barrels.

By this time, her dress was totally in tatters. Giving it a second thought, Teetha decided that this was all for the better. One tear would have been merely gauche, but this was a ‘fashion statement.’

Arriving at the venue fashionably late, all eyes were on Teetha as usual. Making her entrance with an ever-so-tiny flounce in her step, due to a missing heel, Teetha knew that every woman in the place would have given anything to be her. Some of the men. too.

Teetha greeted all her friends, as she didn’t want to appear conceited. A rather officious person on the stage, full of themselves at being chosen to MC the event, gave Teetha a dirty look. This person obviously has not been taught the proper manners of greeting friends at social gatherings. Thank goodness, Teetha had missed the tiresome 120 semi-semi finalist and 60 semi finalists and 20 sorta-semi finalist rounds and was there for the meat and potatoes (Schnitzel and Noodles).

Teetha heard there had been a lovely Chui-Chai dance, in which the dancer rejoices in her own beauty.

After this, the five finalists were chosen. This was nail-bitingly exciting and the males in the audience feigned decorum so admirably. It was, of course, a momentous occasion in Pattaya’s history, as it should be. The first ‘Miss Pattaya’.

Miss Photogenic’ was chosen. Number 19! Oh! Her name. Miss Mayurin Pataraphanich, nicknamed ‘Opal’. ‘The ‘Most Loved Girl in Pattaya’ award went to Number 39, Miss Andaman Dalapornphrom.

The lucky winner of the ‘Miss Pattaya’ crown was co-incidentally ‘Miss Photogenic’. Mayurin Pataraphanich.

The fortunate girl received a prize of 100,000 baht, a diamond tiara, many, many prizes.

This over, Teetha proceeded to liven up people’s evenings with anecdotes of her day.

Very tired and determined to show those dogs who was who and what was what, Teetha went out and bought a stun gun, then sallied home to write this for you, dear reader.

A full photo layout to follow next week. Of the pageant, that is.

Automania: Win on Sunday, Sell on Monday

by Iain Corness

Nobody knows how true the heading of this week’s column is more than the manufacturers themselves. While racing may improve the breed, it’s sales on the showroom floor that keep the motor industry going. Consequently, motor sport is much more than a fun day’s racing at a circuit. It is big business.

With that in mind, I took the opportunity a couple of weeks ago to chat to Eddie Koay, Managing Director of EKS Motorsports (Malaysia). Eddie runs one of the most professional outfits in S. E. Asia with three Championship firsts and two seconds in the past five years. This year is looking good, too. Charles Kwan, who won the series last year with Eddie’s team, blitzed the competition at the first round at the Bira International Circuit and so is leading this year’s championship as well. A great start!

EKS campaigns factory backed BMW’s with FINA petroleum sponsorship, in the "Super Touring" category, the largest manufacturer supported touring car (sedans) series in the world.

Now while Eddie has a full time factory sponsored driver in Charles Kwan from Hong Kong, he and his team are prepared to manage other drivers as well. Interested?

Well, since BMW haven’t heard of you, the person to foot the bills is yourself. Hopefully you’ve got large pockets because the car alone will set you back US$ 150,000. Best to snap up a spare engine as well, so that’s another $25,000. You will need some spares to take with you to the Asian circuits, so put about $80,000 aside for that. Unfortunately race tyres are built for stickiness, not for longevity, so be prepared to shell out $50,000 for the Michelin doughnuts. Of course, Eddie will need to put a team of mechanics on the job to maintain your new toy, and ship it and the mechanics around the place for the S. E. Asian Championship as well. That’s another $200,000 thank you.

Adding up that lot gives a nice round total of US$505,000 or close enough to half a million US dollars. And that is doing it cheap! That is a no-frills, no luxuries package. Eddie stresses that his is "the most cost efficient team competing today." What’s more, I believe him - there are lots of Super Touring teams in Australia, for example, spending much more than the EKS Team - without the results either!

Unfortunately, in today’s troubled times, with S. E. Asian economies doing Titanic impersonations, the number of manufacturers prepared to invest large sums is shrinking. Even drivers with a large enough bankroll to do it are thinner on the ground. There is an old joke in motor racing which goes like this - "Want to make a small fortune out of motor racing? Then start with a large one!"

That leaves people like Eddie, an ex-competitor and true enthusiast, to carry the ball until the manufacturers come back in strongly.

Despite these problems Eddie is not depressed about the future prospects for motor sport in Asia. He believes that appreciation of the sport requires a degree of sophistication that is tied in not so much with per capita income, but more with the cultural development of the countries involved. "The population has not grown up yet," he said, "so progress has not been as good as it should be."

Slow progress perhaps, but the sport is successful in Japan; China now has a Formula 1 circuit at Zouhai, with another to be built at Beijing; Malaysia boasts four circuits; Indonesia has great facilities and even India has a circuit at Madras. And our own one up the road on Highway 36, the Bira International, is not to be sneezed at either. It is also rumoured that several Formula 1 Grand Prix Teams are building factories in Asia, to be ready when the emphasis shifts from Europe to the East. To borrow a phrase from Chinese mythology(?) - the cultural revolution is coming!

However, back to today - by the time you read this, Eddie, the EKS Team, Franz and Hans (the German mechanics sent out from Europe every meeting), Charles Kwan and the Championship leading BMW will be at Subic Bay in the Philippines for Round 2. I wish them all the luck in the world. They’ve done enough ground work to deserve it!

Autotrivia Quiz

Last week’s question was related to the winner of the first Dutch Grand Prix at Zandvoort in 1948. The answer was, of course, Prince Bira of Siam (as it was then). I told you the answer was "just up the road"! The Prince and his cousin, team manager Prince Chula, were very well known Grand Prix competitors on the international circuits in those days. It’s time there was another local competitor doing well internationally. And the next Thai at the top? Put your money on young Nattaphong, currently doing the AF 2000 S. E. Asian Series. You read it first in the Pattaya Mail!

So to this week’s question. Which car company was the first to sell rotary engined models to the public? A free beer on me to the first correct answer to that one. Fax me at the Editorial Office (038) 427 596.

Wiping up Songkran

We’ve all just had Songkran (probably had it up to the back teeth!) and if you were very lucky, managed to avoid personal drenching. The car has been a different matter. I even had the situation of being held to ransom in a little village after being stopped by red flag wavers. A case of Pay Up or get totally daubed with white and red powder.

Which leads me on nicely to windscreen wipers. These little items were not generally fitted to cars till the 1920’s. Before that time you either drove without seeing where you were going in the rain, or you folded the screen flat and got drowned. Today, we take them for granted - until it rains. To get maximum efficiency (and vision) replace the rubber blades every year. Good insurance!

Copyright 1998 Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
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Created by Andy Gombaez, assisted by Chinnaporn Sangwanlek.