Winebibber’s Grapevine  

Dear Hillary,

My 14-year-old daughter likes a 24-year-old boy who is the brother of her friend and whom she met during a formal party at her school. Since that day she is not herself anymore. She receives phone calls from him and now she told us she wants to go out with him to a movie and later on to a discotheque. He also wants to go out for dinner with her in the future. We did some research and found out that he already had a long line of girlfriends. We have told our daughter that this boy is too old for her, but she gets very upset and tells us we’re wrong. Is this age difference OK? Should we allow our daughter to see this boy and hope it won’t turn into anything serious?

Teenage-mother

Dear Teenage-mother

Young girls involved with older boys, or even men, is a combination receiving a great deal of scrutiny these days. There is an inherent imbalance of power when one partner is older and more experienced than the other. And when we are talking about teenagers, even a four-year age difference can tip the scales and bring about disaster.

You are very right to be concerned about your 14-year-old daughter dating a 24-year-old boy. Developmentally, your daughter and this boy are at radically different stages. Will he pressure her to have sexual intercourse? Will she be able to resist or will she worry that she will lose him if she says no? According to a study by the University of California at Irvine, 70 percent of all teenage mothers get pregnant from partners who are at least 20 years old. And because these teenage girls have less success demanding that their older partners use condoms, they also run a greater risk of contracting AIDS. A 24-year-old is able to do everything already. Will you feel safe having your daughter in his car? His friends are apt to be older than your daughter’s friends. Will she feel the need to act older? The university study noted that teenage girls who date older boys have more behavioral problems and are more likely to engage in risky behaviors like smoking, drinking and !

experimenting with drugs. Simply forbid your daughter to see this boy? That strategy may not work if she is intent on seeing him. Their relationship might develop anyway. Still, there are ways you can exert some influence over your daughter.

Be honest to her about your concerns. Your questions about an older boy-younger girl relationship are valid. Tell her about research that confirms your fears. She may discount what you say initially, but she will remember your conversation when the time comes.

Reassure her of your unconditional love. Reiterate your desire that she abstain from sexual intercourse until she is older. But make it clear that you will always love her and be there for her. It is important to keep the lines of communication open. If something does happen and your daughter needs your help, she should be able to come to you without fear that you will condemn her or say, "I told you so."

Talk about relationships. Tell your daughter that in any relationship the parties should expect to be treated with fairness and respect. Her needs and point of view should count equally. Whenever she feels her wishes are not being considered, she should ask herself why she is staying.

Give her other sources. Many women’s and teen magazines talk about the older boy-younger girl relationship. Clip articles that you can give to your daughter.

Open up your home. If you rule out formal dates with this boy, offer get-togethers on home turf as an alternative. Being on the scene means you can watch over the action while getting to know this boy better.

Don’t overlook your daughter’s feelings. From your daughter’s point of view, it’s flattering and exciting to have an older boy interested in her. Don’t ever criticize the boy outright. Rather, plant seeds of doubt carefully. "I wonder why xxx isn’t interested in the girls his age?" She might begin to wonder too.

Abdicate your parental responsibilities. Your daughter is still 14 and needs you to set limits. Stick to your guns regarding curfews, calling in, parties, etc.

  Thai Idiom:

Phii-Süa

"Clothing ghost!?"

"Must be another one of those ‘Animistic’ things."

It might be. Phii means ‘ghost’ and Süa means ‘clothing’.

In ancient times, the Thai people saw the colourful insects as the spirit of a piece of clothing.

In those times, most people, including Europeans were animistic. Everything had a spirit.

A colourful butterfly was considered the ‘spirit’ of a piece of clothing. Phii-Süa is a butterfly.

The annoying slang word ‘butterfly’ for a fickle lover was coined in less lofty circles. Most Thais with any equipoise find it very vulgar. It is best not to use this word in context with well bred Thai friends.

Phii has a rising tone; Süa a falling tone.

  Family Money

Trusting Yourself

by Leslie Wright

Trusts arose in the Middle Ages when knights going off to the Crusades, unsure when or if they would ever return, charged someone they trusted to look after their land-holdings and take care of their families’ interests during their absence.

The basic concept hasn’t changed much down the centuries. Trusts vary from one regime to another, but what most people think of as a Trust - a totally discreet way of holding their assets which others cannot get their hands on - is generally called a Discretionary Trust.

How Trusts Work

The basic legal premise of a Trust works on the principle of not having direct ownership or control of the assets in question.

Thus, effectively, when you set up a Trust, you are giving away your ownership and control of those assets to the Trust. (In trust parlance, by the way, you are called the Settlor.)

At the same time, you will have given the Trustees - the people that now own and control those assets - a set of instructions on what to do with them given certain circumstances. These instructions are set out in a document called a Letter of Wishes.

This Letter of Wishes can be amended at any time during your lifetime, so you can change your mind from time to time as circumstances dictate.

While the Trustees are under no obligation to act upon these instructions, in practice they will always do so provided it would be neither illegal nor be to the detriment of the beneficiaries of the Trust to do so.

The beneficiaries are the people who will benefit from the Trust - either the people whom you wish to inherit your estate upon your death, or your spouse, children and even yourself during your lifetimes.

For example, you may put all your income-producing investments into a Trust, and request (which effectively means instruct) the Trustees to pay you an income from them for the rest of your life, and for the rest of your spouse’s lifetime.

Then, upon your death, you can request the Trustees to ensure that little Johnny is to continue in boarding school (with the fees paid by the Trust) and to receive an index-linked allowance until his 18th birthday, whereafter he is to receive control of 50% of his inheritance, and the other 50% when he gets married; but if he doesn’t stop wearing eyeshadow and lace underwear, he is to receive only his allowance for the rest of his days, whereafter the capital will pass to your sister’s myriad offspring.

This admittedly rather bizarre example demonstrates that you are able, through your Letter of Wishes, to retain a high degree of control of your assets (and indeed your family’s use of them), even though you have legally relinquished ownership of those assets and have no direct access to any of them.

The Trustees would pay Johnny’s school fees, and charge the Trust a reasonable but modest fee for so doing, as well as for following your other instructions.

Avoiding problems

While a Trustee can be a person (your brother-in-law or closest friend, for instance), in most cases it is better to establish the Trust with a company which specialises in providing this service. The reason for this is that a company doesn’t die like a person does: it goes on regardless, and can continue to administer your Trust down through generations to come, if that were your wish.

As the Trust continues regardless of your continued existence or departure from this life, your estate (that is, the assets now held in Trust) effectively will not need to go through probate upon your death, and will be distributed exactly according to your specified wishes in the form of gifts from the Trust.

This also gets around the potential problem in some regimes of forced heirship (mentioned last week), forced repatriation of assets to your home country, or disinherited relatives or their disapproved-of spouses creating problems in the courts, tying up your estate for years in expensive litigation. A Discretionary Trust eliminates these potential problems.

Effectively, the Trust couldn’t be successfully sued provided it was properly set up in the first place, and in a regime (such as Guernsey, for example) where the laws protect both the total confidentiality of the Trust itself, and are resistant to enquiry from third parties (such as the tax man), or litigation from disgruntled people such as creditors who are trying to attach your assets (which they can’t because you don’t own them any more - the Trust does.)

Similarly, should a marriage fail, your spouse could not attach your Trust’s assets in divorce proceedings. (I wish I’d known that 20 years ago when it happened to me!)

Not only for the super-rich

Trusts of course cost money to set up and administer. But the charges depend on the complexity and variety of the assets being placed into the Trust. For a simple set of assets (a portfolio of offshore investments, for example), the costs can be surprisingly modest.

In any event, the charges involved are usually considerably less than the potential cost to your heirs of the inheritance tax to which your estate might otherwise have been subject, plus the legal fees and other costs of winding up that estate.

Security concerns

Some people worry that relinquishing ownership or control of their assets to some third party may leave them or their heirs exposed to fraud or malfeasance, and perhaps lose everything.

Certainly that is a very legitimate concern if you were trusting an individual with your assets, no matter how close a friend he might be. (And what happens to your assets when he dies?)

On the other hand, while a corporate Trustee (a company which specialises in trusts) effectively owns and controls the assets held in trust by them, provided they are a legitimate and well-established firm in a regime where strict regulations prevail to govern the financial services industry (such as the Channel Islands, for example) they are not able to make a profit for themselves out of the assets, nor are those assets available to their own creditors: they must use the assets only for the benefit of the beneficiaries as set out in the Trust deed and the Settlor’s Letter of Wishes, and must keep the identity of the Settlor, his beneficiaries, and his assets totally confidential at all times.

Such firms’ business, growth, reputation and continued existence is entirely based on - you guessed it - trust.

If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, write to Leslie Wright, c/o Family Money, Pattaya Mail, or fax him directly on (038) 232522 or e-mail him at westport@loxinfo.co.th. Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website on www.westminsterthailand.com.

Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the eastern seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments.

  Health & Nutrition Facts: Feeding children is not always easy

by Laura Zubrod

Mealtime shouldn’t be a battleground between you and your child. Adults often see a child’s odd eating behaviors as a problem. Childhood food binges, food strikes, and other unusual habits are usually a part of normal development. Children often use the dinner table to show their independence and learn about the world.

Food jags, or only eating one food meal after meal, is a common occurrence during childhood. If that favorite food is wholesome, allow the child to eat whatever he or she wants. Don’t remove jag foods, but offer other foods at each meal. The child will likely try other foods after a few days. Food jags rarely last long enough to cause any real harm.

It’s not uncommon for children to refuse to eat vegetables. Some children prefer raw vegetables instead of cooked or would eat a vegetable cooked by a different method. Sometimes it takes a little creativity on the parent’s part to try another cooking method or disguise vegetables in creative ways. For instance, adding grated vegetables (carrots, pumpkin, zucchini, etc.) to spaghetti sauce, casseroles, breads, or muffins is a great way to add additional nutrients. Adding grated carrots to peanut butter can create a nutritious crunchy version. Children may be more willing to try a vegetable if they are allowed to help select it at the market or grocery store and then assist in preparation. Also, learning about the benefits of vegetables may interest children in eating them. For example, eating carrots helps your eyes to see.

Some children have a fear of new foods. It may take many exposures to a new food before a child is ready to taste it and a lot of tastes before a child likes it, often 5 to 10 times. Continue to introduce and reintroduce new foods over time. Introducing only one new food at a time will keep your child from feeling overwhelmed. Encourage children to try just one bite of a new food. However, don’t force children to try new foods if they don’t want to, it can make the atmosphere unpleasant and lead to future mealtime problems.

Maintaining a relaxed and happy atmosphere during mealtime is important. Prepare children for meals with a five-minute warning to allow them to calm down, wash their hands, and get ready to eat. Children who are excited, anxious, or tired may have trouble settling down to eat.

Many parents adopt an additional duty as a short-order cook for their children. When a child refuses to eat what is served, be supportive but set limits. Have foods the child likes available at each meal such as bread, rolls, or fruit. Don’t be afraid to let the child go hungry if he or she continually refuses to eat what is served. An occasional missed meal will not do any harm and can keep a parent from becoming a perpetual short-order cook.

Avoid focus on dessert by serving it with the meal, rather than after the main course. Choose healthy deserts such as fruits, flavored yogurt, puddings, fruit and nut breads, etc., that will provide important nutrients. Fresh fruit with chocolate sauce and a dash of chopped nuts can make a tasty and nutritious dessert. Never use dessert as a reward. Using food as a reward or for comfort can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food in adulthood.

Parents and care givers are in control of what foods come into the house. Having many healthful foods available eliminates the need for a "food dictator" and helps children understand that healthful food choices are a way of life. Children cannot be expected to eat well when their parents eat poorly. Set a good example by eating regular meals and making healthful food choices. Children are the best judges of how much or even whether they eat. Let them make their own food choices from the good choices you provide.

When feeding children, keep the big picture in mind. Offer healthful and nourishing meals on a daily basis. Over time, children will get everything they need to grow and develop normally.

Readers may write Laura care of the Pattaya Mail with questions or special topics they would like to see addressed.

Copyright 1998 Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, Chonburi 20260, Thailand 
Tel.66-38 411 240-1, 413 240-1, Fax:66-38 427 596; e-mail: ptymail@loxinfo.co.th
Created by Andy Gombaez, assisted by Chinnaporn Sangwanlek.